No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes

by Phoenix, Nora

  Miles could pretend he didn’t know who Charlie was talking about, but there was little sense. “Yeah, I do. He’s a puzzle to me, one I can’t seem to figure out.”

  Charlie sighed. “He’s not easy, but he’s worth getting to know. If you want to, that is.”

  “I’d love to get to know him better, if he would let me.”

  Another puff from Charlie. “Brad’s defensive mechanism is highly developed,” he said.

  “I’ll say. I’ve encountered porcupines that were less prickly than him. But I also saw how sweet he can be, with you just now, for instance.” Miles let the implicit question linger.

  “He’s different with me,” Charlie affirmed. “He always has been, but I think it was because I was so young when we met. I didn’t start out as his equal, so to speak.”

  Miles frowned, trying to make sense of what Charlie was saying. What was going on with Brad? Did it have something to do with whatever secret Brad had that he was trying to guard, something both Charlie and his cop-boyfriend had known?

  Noises were drifting into the room that Miles didn’t recognize.

  Charlie cocked his head, seemed to listen as well. “It’s, erm, Connor and Josh,” he said, looking sheepishly. “They’re quite expressive.”

  Seconds later, more sounds joined in, and Charlie sighed. “And that would be Noah and Indy. Sorry, it can get crazy like that here.”

  They both listened for a bit, as the sounds intensified. Charlie sighed, then walked over to the door and closed it.

  “Let’s watch some TV until they’re done,” he said.

  “You wanna hang out here with me?” Miles asked, surprised at the level of trust Charlie displayed here.

  “Sure,” Charlie said easily. “Brad likes you, and that’s enough for me. He’s never wrong about people. Plus, the fact that you’re staying here says enough. From what I understand, these are not trusting folks by nature, yet they took you in and set you up with Brad. That must mean you’re a good man.”

  “Wow. Thank you. That’s unexpected, but thank you.”

  They installed themselves, each on a side of the king size bed. Miles sat up against the headboard, pillows propped in his back for comfort, while Charlie lay on his stomach on the bed. He found a morning show for them to watch, and Miles relaxed. Max walked around in a few circles, before deciding to plot his butt down on the carpet, and seconds later, the dog was napping.

  It sure was a nice set up Indy and Noah had in their bedroom, and Miles did feel a tad guilty for making them sleep in the guest room. Well, he didn’t make them. Hell, he hadn’t even asked them. They’d willingly offered. And judging by the sounds, it wasn’t like it was hindering their sex life. Holy hell, Indy had not been kidding when he said they were open about sex. It took some getting used to, that was for sure.

  “You’re hard,” Charlie said suddenly, pointing at Miles’ tenting pajama bottoms under the sheets.

  He hadn’t even noticed, caught up in his thoughts and used as he’d become to his body’s reactions.

  “Yes.”

  Should he explain? But if Brad told Charlie everything, he’d already know, correct?

  “Do you need some privacy?”

  Miles blinked. Fuck, the kid was considerate. “Erm, no, but thank you. This will go down by itself, since Brad…Yeah, anyway.”

  “Okay.” Charlie turned his attention back to the TV, and when he didn’t say anything else Miles slowly relaxed again. Miles covered his groin with a pillow to at least spare Charlie the sight of his hard on. For almost an hour, they watched the morning shows companionably, commenting on some crazy segments, and laughing at the antics.

  Someone knocked on the door. “Guys?” Indy.

  “Come on in,” Miles called out. He muted the TV.

  “Good morning. We were wondering where you’d gone, Charlie.”

  The unspoken question was clear. Indy wanted to know what the fuck Miles was doing here with Charlie. It warmed him, this care.

  “The morning sex was getting a little loud for our comfort, so we retreated in here,” Charlie said before Miles could say anything. Miles swallowed. Apparently, Charlie didn’t have much of a filter when it came to sex, either. He’d never considered himself to be a prude, but compared to these people, he damn well was.

  “Oh. Right. We’re done fucking, for now, so do you guys wanna come into the kitchen for breakfast? Josh is making pancakes from scratch.”

  * * *

  The scene was almost surreal to Charlie. Here he was, sitting in this picture-perfect kitchen on a Friday morning, surrounded by gay men, eating the best damn pancakes he’d ever had. All that was missing was Brad, who was at work. It was like a scene from a cheesy commercial or something, except for Miles who was obviously in pain.

  Miles hadn’t asked Charlie anything personal when they’d hung out. Charlie had figured the man had to be wondering why Charlie was staying there, but maybe Brad had at least shared bare facts of the assault with him? Charlie had felt self-conscious, but only for a little, and then Miles had gotten a boner, and he’d stopped feeling sorry for himself. Now there was a guy with a problem. Holy hell, he would not want to trade with him.

  Next to him, Miles struggled to cut a piece of his pancake, his movements stiff. It must still hurt for him to put pressure on his hand.

  “Here,” Charlie said softly, “I’ll do it.” He cut off a piece for Miles, held it out on the fork.

  “Thank you,” Miles said before taking the bite.

  Charlie took another piece himself. Man, these pancakes were so good. Josh should be a fucking chef. He caught Max’s pleading look and sneakily snuck him a piece of pancake, too.

  He reached for Miles’ plate, cut the pancake into little pieces. “Can you get them, or do you want me to help you?”

  “This will work. Thank you.”

  Miles was nice. Truly, honestly nice. Charlie could easily spot the reasons for Brad’s attraction to Miles, even if his friend swore up and down it was just sex. He always said that, but it was never just sex with Brad, only he fucking refused to acknowledge that. His self-preservation instinct was so damn strong he’d do anything to prevent getting hurt. Charlie had given up on trying to confront him. It would work itself out. Or not.

  Either way, Miles was hot, a classic California surfer boy. More importantly, he was kind. Smart, too. He was seeing way more of Brad than his best friend realized, and seemed pretty determined to figure him out. Should Charlie be concerned or jealous? He mulled it over. Interestingly enough, he was neither. He was curious, and maybe actually rooting for Miles to get through to Brad? Somebody had to, because he seemed hell-bent on getting hurt.

  “What’s the plan for today, guys?” Noah asked.

  “I have jiujitsu in an hour,” Indy said, “and Blake asked me to stick around for the women’s class he teaches. He’s looking for another teacher and thought I might be interested.”

  Noah’s look of surprise told Charlie that was news for him.

  “You think you’d like that?” Noah asked.

  Indy nodded, beamed. “Yeah. Now that I don’t need to hide anymore, I’d love to see if that’s something I could do.”

  “You’re certainly good enough,” Miles said, carefully bringing another bite of pancake to his mouth. “He kicked my ass back in Kansas.”

  Indy grinned. “You were a little overconfident, dude.”

  Miles looked sheepish. “Word. To be fair, Indy totally downplayed his jiujitsu skills. I thought he was a novice. He humiliated me, then proceeded to beat another agent as well.” He stilled, and the smile on Indy’s face disappeared. “Fisher was a total homophobe and a major asshole, but he was a good agent.”

  From his words, Charlie deducted this Fisher guy had died. Brad had said something about Indy being attacked while in FBI custody.

  “That’s how you met, right?” he asked Miles.

  “Yeah. I was one of the agents on Indy’s protective detail. We erm, kinda bonded
, I guess.”

  Indy snorted. “We didn’t bond. You wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone, and then when you attended to my injuries after my bout with Fisher, you got a massive boner.”

  Charlie’s eyes grew big. How would Miles take this? He still wasn’t entirely sure what the deal was with him and his…condition. It seemed so far-fetched when Brad had explained it to him.

  “It wasn’t a massive boner. I got a little excited, that’s all.”

  “Dude, I walked in on you jacking yourself off. There was nothing little about it.”

  There were snorts and laughs all around the table.

  “And thanks, Indy, for making me relive that moment. It’s a few more hours till Brad gets home, okay, so have mercy on me?”

  Charlie look sideways to Miles and let his eyes travel down, to where the man’s erection was clearly visible. Miles met his eyes when he finally could tear his eyes away, and his gaze was so vulnerable it hit Charlie deep.

  “You really are hard all the time,” Charlie said in wonder. Brad had told him, but it had been an abstract concept to him. To be fair, he’d suspected Miles had blown up the whole thing. Sure, some men had more sex drive than others, but who the fuck needed at least four orgasms a day? He was starting to see the deep truth behind it, though. Despite all the joking and teasing, this was a real problem for Miles.

  The group grew quiet. “Yes,” Miles said. “I swear to God, it’s not personal, Charlie. But if it bothers you even the slightest, I’ll stay out of your way, okay? I usually wear two tight boxers so it doesn’t show as much, but I didn’t think of it since everyone here’s been so relaxed about it. I can do that, if you want, or I’ll find another place to stay.”

  He was nervous, Charlie realized. The super cool FBI agent was babbling. “It’s okay,” Charlie said slowly. “I’m more…curious.”

  Miles swallowed. “Ask.”

  “Ask?”

  “Anything. I’ve never talked about this before, but everyone here knows, and they haven’t run me off with pitch forks so far.”

  “We’re waiting till you get better,” Noah joked. “It’s no fun bringing in pitchforks when you’re injured.”

  Charlie let his gaze wonder down again, where Miles’ pajama was still tenting. “How do you cope with the embarrassment?” he asked.

  Miles’ eyes grew soft, almost moist, it seemed. “It’s not easy,” he admitted. “People take it personally, you know? They think I’m some kind of perv, because I get hard in inappropriate circumstances, or they fear that I’m after their boyfriend. They don’t understand it’s a purely physical response to stimuli, and that there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  “You must have a ton of strategies to protect yourself,” Noah remarked.

  Miles nodded. “Yeah. As I said, double underwear, extra tight. Luckily, we usually wear suits, so they’re a little roomier than jeans, but on the farm in Kansas that wasn’t an option. I barely watch TV or movies, because they tend to get me excited easily. I keep my distance, avoid touching people. That’s what got me into trouble with Indy, the fact that I needed to touch him to check his injuries. Even the slightest touch can…you get the idea.”

  “I can’t even imagine what that must be like,” Josh said. “We’re all so touchy-feely here, and to miss out on that…”

  “By nature, I am, too, but I’ve discovered people don’t take it well when a casual touch makes me aroused. Imagine I’d hug you, Josh, and you’d feel me grow hard. You’d be uncomfortable at best, offended at worst, and that’s not to say what would happen if Connor saw. No offense, man.”

  Connor looked pensive, scratched his chin. “None taken. Solid point, though.”

  Miles looked down at himself with a dramatic gesture. “Solid, for certain,” he joked.

  He must want to lighten the mood after sharing something so personal. Charlie’s heart went out to him. How did the man survive like this? He had to be incredibly lonely. “How long has it been like this?” he asked.

  “This condition? Started when I was a teen, but all guys are horny at that age. Went to the doctor when I was in college, ‘cause I got worried. They ran a whole battery of tests and came back with this. I’m thirty-two, so it’s been a while.”

  “And nobody touches you?” Charlie asked.

  “Right now, Brad. Before that, no one. I had a boyfriend, but…” Miles’ sigh was deep and sad, and Charlie’s heart contracted in response. “Casey couldn’t deal with it. Well, that was one of the reasons he dumped me, but yeah. I tried one-night stands, but that was too embarrassing to deal with.”

  The kitchen was quiet as Miles’ pain hummed around for everyone to feel. Brad should have been there, Charlie thought, should have heard and seen this. If Brad had seen Miles’ vulnerability and how loving these men had reacted, maybe it could have helped him to realize no one was gonna reject him for his issues.

  Then again, being Brad, he’d need more than that. What, Charlie didn’t know. Fuck knew he’d tried over the years to give Brad what he needed, to be who he needed, but it had not been enough. Or it hadn’t been the right thing. Brad needed something, beyond mere understanding for his issues, but damned if Charlie knew what it was. He could only hope he’d either discover what it was and help Brad, or that Brad would find what he was looking for before his reckless sexual behavior would hurt him. Charlie loved him, more than Brad would ever know, but one of these days he’d encounter the wrong guy and get hurt. Much like himself, come to think of it.

  Miles let out a huge yawn. “Sorry, guys. I’m off to bed again. Thanks for the delicious breakfast, Josh.”

  “Make sure to take your pain killers, Miles,” Noah said. “There’s no need to be in pain. Your body needs to rest and heal.”

  Miles nodded as he carefully got up from the table.

  “I’ll help you to bed,” Charlie offered without thinking.

  Miles turned his head to look at him, surprise painting his face. “You sure? You don’t have to, I can—“

  Charlie put his hands on his hips, shot him a deadly glare. “If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have offered. Don’t treat me like china, just because I was stupid enough to let my boyfriend beat the crap out of me. I’m a lot stronger than I look.”

  Hello, anger. It was still there, clearly.

  Miles’ face went from relaxed surfer boy to authoritative in one sec, and Charlie watched, fascinated. “Don’t ever call yourself stupid. You’re not to blame. He is. This not on you, no matter what you said or did. He’s the motherfucking asshole, not you.”

  Charlie nodded, impressed with Miles’ tone as much as his words. Wow, that had been seriously cool. Hot, even.

  Mile’s eyes softened. “And I’m sorry for making you feel like you were delicate. It wasn’t my intention.”

  Charlie swallowed. “I know. I’m…it’s touchy for me. Because of my size and shit, people always assume I’m some fragile flower that needs protecting. I can take care of myself.”

  “I won’t make that mistake again,” Miles said, a hint of a smile on his lips. “I’d appreciate your help.”

  Charlie grinned, desperate to break the sudden tension. “I’ll even tell you a fucking bedtime story.”

  Miles slowly walked toward his bedroom. “What kind of story?”

  Charlie walked next to him, ready to extend a hand if the man needed one. “Well, Brad always entertains me with his fuck stories, but I guess with your condition that would be kinda rude, no?”

  Miles held out his hand, a gesture that packed a deep meaning. Charlie grabbed it, smiling, as they walked together. Max followed them, maybe hoping for more treats from Charlie.

  “I could always retreat into the bathroom, rub one out,” Miles said.

  Charlie grinned. “True. In that case, I’ll tell you about the time Brad thought he met the perfect man, this big, furry bear—only to discover the guy had…Well, that’s what you’re about to find out.”

  In the kitchen, the others exploded i
n laughter, apparently still listening in to him and Miles. It felt good, joking around, even if his insides were still burning with anger, Charlie thought.

  6

  “Keep your arm strong, don’t let me push it down,” Blake told Aaron. “Let’s try it again.”

  Aaron did better this time, holding his arm tight while Blake tried to break through his defense. He still could if he wanted to, obviously, but that was not the point. Aaron was getting better at jiujitsu. He wasn’t a natural talent like Indy, and he missed that fighter’s mentality, but he made up for it with a deep willingness and desire to please Blake. The kid would walk through fire if that was what Blake told him to do. It was an honor and a responsibility Blake took seriously.

  “That’s it for today,” Blake announced. “Let’s do some cooling down.”

  Aaron immediately took off his white belt, decorated with three small black strips to indicate he was well on his way to earning a grey belt, then got rid of his gi jacket. Blake laughed when he took off his gi pants as well, leaving him in nothing else but a pair of cute, pink boxers. It was a good thing they were alone in the studio, with the front door still locked. God, he loved Sundays. He got to spend the whole day with his puppy.

  “I didn’t mean a literal cooling down,” Blake said.

  Aaron giggled. “I know, but I’m sweating my ass off.”

  Blake slapped his ass playfully. “Such a cute ass it is.”

  He’d gained some weight, Aaron had. His muscles were more defined after training with Blake, and it looked good on him. Blake loved the feel of that lean, tight body against his. He had ample opportunity to enjoy that particular sensation, because Aaron loved nothing more than touching Blake.

  He didn’t even realize it half the time, but he intuitively always sought Blake’s body. Sometimes he’d simply put his hand on Blake’s leg, or foot, or arm, but more often he wanted to feel Blake against him. His favorite spot was still at Blake’s feet, no matter if it was on the floor, on the couch, or in bed. He could sit there for hours and be absolutely, perfectly happy.