by E. L. Todd
The only person it could be was Pike. Perhaps he became weak with longing and wanted to see me. Maybe he just needed to talk to me. The separation might be too painful. He missed his friend and I missed him too.
I got off the couch then looked through the peephole. I expected to see Pike on the other side, but the face looking back at me wasn’t whom I had anticipated.
Arsen was there, wearing a black suit and looking like a Calvin Klein model.
What was he doing here?
My heart beat fast in my chest.
I couldn’t breathe.
Why was he here?
What did he want?
What should I say?
“Silke, please open the door,” Arsen said calmly.
He must have heard my feet when I approached. I took a deep breath as I gripped the handle. Then I opened it.
His eyes immediately moved to my face and he took in my features.
I stared back at him and noticed Abby was absent. He was usually with her so I wasn’t used to seeing them apart. His suit fit him perfectly like it was made just for him. His shoulders looked broader than before, and he rocked the outfit like he owned it. His blue eyes shined like icicles. His thoughts were unknown to me, but the emotion was evident.
“What do you want?” I snapped. I hadn’t seen him in a month so I had no idea what he wanted to talk about. There was nothing to be said. We were different people now. The only thing we had in common was my parents.
“Can I come in?”
“No.” I blocked his way even though I knew he could pick me up with a single hand and move me.
“I’ve been waiting to run into you, but you haven’t been around.”
“I’m a very busy woman.” I put my hand on my hip. “That doesn’t give you the right to come to my home like we’re friends.”
“I would like to be friends.”
“Well, I don’t want to be, Arsen. I can tolerate you during our chance encounters but that’s the most I can give you.”
He took a deep breath like my words pained him. “I came here to apologize. I never formally did it and now I would like the opportunity.”
“I’m good. I don’t need to hear it.” I shut the door.
He stopped it with his foot then opened it again. “I insist.”
“If I have to throw your ass out, I will.”
“I’d like to see you try, Silke.” He said it coldly, like he wasn’t amused.
“You think because you’re a buff ex-con that you scare me?” I asked incredulously. “Because you could gain another twenty-five pounds of muscle and I wouldn’t blink an eye over it.”
He stepped inside and shut the door behind him. “I understand you’re angry with me. Please just listen to me.”
“I’m not required to do anything. I wanted to talk to you while you were in prison but you refused to see me.”
“I was trying to protect you.”
“From the man I loved?” I asked incredulously. “Arsen, just go. I mean it.”
He put his hands in his pockets and stood his ground. “I didn’t treat you right for the duration of our relationship. My behavior was unacceptable, and every time I think about it I’m deeply ashamed.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at him.
“It was always you giving me everything and me giving nothing back. I pushed you away anytime we got too close. You believed in me when no one else did. You stood by my side even though you had every reason to walk away. And when I told about my past, somehow, you loved me more.”
I looked down, remembering that afternoon around Christmas time.
“I’m full of nothing but regret. There were so many times I watched you smile at me, and all I could think about was how much I loved you. It almost escaped my lips countless times but I could never bring myself to say it. I was scared. Actually, I was terrified. I was unable to give or accept love. But that’s different now.”
I shifted my weight and didn’t meet his gaze.
“I always loved you even if I didn’t say it aloud. But not saying it hurt you more than anything else. For that, I’m sorry. I treated you just the way my mother treated me, never telling me what I needed to hear even though I desperately needed it. My time in prison made me realize all my flaws. I took you for granted when I shouldn’t have. When I asked you not to come back, I was doing it for you. I knew I didn’t deserve you. You knew it too.”
Not until much later.
“Silke, I apologize for all of that. It haunts me every day and every night. I hurt the one person who loved me. I tarnished a beautiful and pure soul. I took something and didn’t return it in the state I originally had it. I broke your heart and I changed you irrevocably. I can see it just by looking at you.”
Arsen had changed me, and not in a good way.
“I can apologize over and over again but it won’t make a difference. I understand that. But there is something I want you to know. Ryan got me out of prison and gave me the tools to succeed. But it was the hope that I could have you again someday that fueled me forward. I wanted to make a good living so I could be in my daughter’s life, but the real motivation came at the prospect of having you.
“I worked hard and did my best. I never gave up because I wanted to be a man that you finally deserved. Now I’m that person. I’m ready to give and receive love, and I will do everything and anything to make you happy. I will fight for you every day and never give up. I’ll never push you away again. That’s what I want you to know, Silke. I know you have a boyfriend and I’m not trying to interfere with that, but you had to know the reason why I’m wearing this suit with cash in my pocket is because of you. I changed for you—nobody else. It just took me awhile longer…”
I didn’t meet his gaze. I didn’t tell him Pike and I broke up because I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. I kept my thoughts to myself.
He took a deep breath. “When I told you to move on, I meant it at the time. But when I found out you had, it broke my heart. But if this guy makes you happy, if he treats you right, then I’m glad you found him. If you don’t want me, that’s fine. I’m just glad you’re with someone that makes you smile. Please don’t interpret my words as a proposal. I’m not trying to come between you and Pike. But, you had to know how I felt. I couldn’t let you go on thinking that I hadn’t changed for you. Because I did.”
I processed his words for a long time and felt my heart race. A distant pain thudded in my stomach and I felt sick. My skin prickled, and the nerves started to get to me. His words pleased me but hurt me at the same time. “I accept your apology.”
He smiled slightly but not with his eyes. He still seemed distressed and hurt.
“But that doesn’t mean I can ever forget what happened between us. Maybe you’re ready to give me everything I need now, but I needed that then, not now.”
He averted his gaze and stared at the floor.
“I can’t erase the hurt I feel. I can’t erase the sense of betrayal. I can’t trust you.”
He took another deep breath. “I understand.”
I stepped away from him. “Maybe in time we can be friends. But right now…acquaintances.”
He nodded. “I’m grateful for anything you’re willing to give me.”
We stood together in silence for a long time, neither one of us saying anything.
Then he looked at me. “Pike is a lucky guy.”
I met his gaze but held my silence.
Then Arsen moved to the door and walked out. Without saying anything, he left.
Chapter Two
Roland
My first time with Heath was not what I expected. A sense of courage swept through me, and I dived into something I didn’t fully understand. Even though I tried to be brave, I was a little scared. My heart raced in my chest and the sweat formed on my palms. But Heath recognized my unease, and he took my hand and guided me.
What we did behind closed doors opened my eyes to a world I’d n
ever known. His touch was gentle and loving, and the way we moved together was touching. There was no aggression or need. It was just love.
The first time went smoothly, easier than I expected. So I wanted to do it again. So we did. The more comfortable I became, the more we tried. We changed positions and I felt new realms of pleasure.
Any doubt I had of being gay was gone.
Heath lay beside me one night. He faced the ceiling with his eyes closed, a look of satisfaction on his face.
I lay beside him, my mind in a distant place.
“You haven’t said much in a while,” he whispered.
“Just tired.”
“I meant in the past month.” He rested his hand behind his head.
I shrugged. “Not much has happened.”
He released a sarcastic laugh. “Not much, huh?” He turned to me, his blond hair messy and his eyes sparkling with excitement. “I think you’ve bedded me at least thirty times. So…I’d say a lot has happened.”
I smirked then faced the ceiling.
“So, what are you thinking?”
“Words are unnecessary, Heath. I think my moans and need for more adequately explains what I’m thinking.”
He chuckled then grabbed my hand. “I admit I was nervous at first.”
“Why?”
“I thought you might take off again.”
The guilt washed through me. “I said I wouldn’t.”
“I know. I’m not saying I doubt you. But I can’t hide the fact I was a little anxious.” His hand moved to mine and he grabbed it. “So, what are your thoughts?”
“I really like it.”
“It’s pretty amazing, right?”
“Who’s the hottest chick you’ve ever seen?” he asked.
“What?” That was so random.
“Just answer the question,” he pressed.
“Um…” I tried to think of something. “That brunette in those phone commercials.”
“Excellent,” he said. “So, if she walked into your apartment and asked you to fuck her, would you?”
“Uh…” It was so unlikely that I couldn’t even consider it.
“Would you want to?”
I shrugged. “Eh, not really.”
He smiled victoriously. “You see where I’m going with this?”
“No.”
“You’re gay, Ro.”
“Oh…” He had a point. When I imagined that hot brunette, it wasn’t in a sexual way. Actually, she was trying to sell me a phone. “I think you’re right.”
“I knew that would change if you gave it more time.”
“Yeah…” The weight of the truth settled on me. It pushed in on all sides. It was undeniable and strong.
He stroked my knuckles with his thumb. “I’m happy.”
“I’m happy too,” I whispered.
“It took me a long time to come out because I didn’t fully understand myself. But when I did, it was like I took my first gulp of fresh air. I thought the only man I would love would be Ander, and after he hurt me so much, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel this way again, but with you…I do.”
My heart melted at his words. “I feel the same way.”
“You loved someone and you didn’t think you’d love again?” he questioned.
“No, I just didn’t think I would love someone at all. I’d been with a lot of girls but nothing ever clicked and then…something weird happened with Jasmine.”
“What?” he asked.
“I felt bad for sleeping with her and I wanted to take her on a date instead. The idea of sleeping with her again didn’t cross my mind. For some reason, I just wanted to be…friends. It didn’t make sense at the time. I had no idea what I was doing. I guess…I guess I knew then.”
‘That something wasn’t right?”
“Yeah. I was too sensitive about the whole thing. I’d always been close with my mom, telling her my deepest and darkest fears, and I’ve always felt cowardly around my father, like I could never meet his strength and masculinity. He’s told me he’s proud of me countless times but I guess I knew…somewhere deep in there…that I would never be the man he is.”
“Just because you’re gay doesn’t make you less of a man,” Heath reasoned. “It makes you more of one.”
“My dad won’t see it that way. He’ll outcast me.”
He shook his head. “No, they won’t. I’ve seen you with them. Ro, they adore you.”
“Because they think I’m straight.”
“No, they adore you because you’re their son.”
“Your parents loved you and they turned their backs on you so quickly…”
His eyes fell in sadness. “I was one of six sons. I was basically a bad seed to them. They could afford to lose me because they had five other sons. But you’re their only son, Roland. And they’re nothing like my parents. They’ll love you no matter what.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know…”
“They will.”
I fell silent.
“Roland, this has been going on between us for about eight months. You know who you are now. You need to come out.”
God, no. “I’m not ready.”
He sighed. “Roland, I don’t want to be a secret.”
“I’m not making you a secret,” I said quietly. “I’m not hiding you from anyone.”
“We don’t go out to dinner because you don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression, and when you hang out with your friends, you never bring me along because you don’t want them to figure it out. If that’s not hiding me, I don’t know what is.”
“You don’t understand…”
“Actually, I do understand. Completely.”
“Look, I need more time,” I argued. “Don’t push me.” I couldn’t even begin to understand how that conversation would go. How could I look my father in the eye and tell him what Heath and I did when we were alone together? How could I tell him that his only son didn’t like girls? How could I tell him that I preferred men? How would he take it? What would my mom say? What would Skye think? And then I had the rest of my family to think about. “My dad is practically a celebrity. When the word gets out, everyone will know he has a gay son. Do you think that’s publicity he wants?”
“No. But he’s a father before a CEO. He’ll stand by his son.”
“I don’t want to embarrass him.”
“He won’t be embarrassed,” he said. “It’s like you don’t know your own parents.”
“I know I say they’re annoying and stuff but…I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Your parents turned their backs on you and never spoke to you again. I couldn’t…” Emotion caught in my throat. “I couldn’t go on if my parents did that to me. I love them…”
He squeezed my hand. “That’s not going to happen.”
“I don’t even want to risk it.”
“Have your parents ever expressed anti-homosexuality opinions?”
“No…they’ve never said anything about it at all.”
“If they’ve lived in New York most of their lives, I doubt they’re conservative about it.”
“I hate seeing how sad you are over the loss of your family.” I remembered that painting of the family under the tree. “I can’t lose mine too.”
He took a deep breath and sighed. “Ro, I am sad that my parents turned away from me. It hurts, even now. But I wouldn’t change what happened. I like living here and I like being myself. I like men and I like not hiding it. If my parents can disown me because of who I love, then they never loved me anyway. It’s their loss.”
I stared at the ceiling and imagined the look of disappointment on my father’s face. I watched my mom turn her back on me. Every Christmas, I would spend it alone while everyone was at the house. I would be an outcast, left in the snow. “Does it really matter if I tell them? Why can’t I just keep it a secret?”
“Forever?” he asked incredulously.
“Yeah.”
“And…don’t think they�
�re going to wonder why you haven’t brought home a woman in ten years?” he asked.
I shrugged. “They might but they’re never been super nosey when it comes to my personal life. I could just not say anything. And they would never ask.”
He sighed. “Ro, I told you from the beginning I refuse to be a secret.”
“But—”
“I won’t do it.” He wouldn’t budge.
I sighed in irritation.
“I’ll give you more time to figure it out. But that’s it. After that, I’m done.”
“You’re done?” I asked.
“Yes. Exactly.” He gave me a firm look, like nothing would change his mind.
I looked at the ceiling again and tried to figure out what to do.
***
Heath hadn’t mentioned our previous conversation, but the finality in his tone told me he was serious about it. He wouldn’t let me keep our relationship a secret. If I really loved him, I’d have to come out and be honest.
That was terrifying.
When we got off work, we stood inside the elevator together as it descended to the ground floor.
“Coming over?” Heath asked. He stepped closer to me and his fingers brushed mine.
I returned the affection discreetly because of the cameras. “Where else would I spend my time?”
“Cool. I got that new Battlefield game.”
“Awesome,” I said. “I’ve been waiting for that game all year.”
“The demo was cool. We’ll probably be zombies to it.” He chuckled at the end.
“It looks like we’re ordering pizza tonight.”
He smirked at me then turned away.
When we stepped out of the elevator, Dad called. What did he want? Did he know I was gay? Did he somehow figure it out? I cleared my throat then answered it. “Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, son. What are you up to?”
“Just got off work. You?”
“Same here,” he said. “You want to hit the gym together?”
I hadn’t spent much time with my dad. I’d been preoccupied with Heath. I felt bad if I blew him off. “Sure.”
“I’ll meet you there in twenty minutes.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I shoved my phone back into my pocket. “My dad wants to work out together. Can we play later?”