by E. L. Todd
“Thank you.” He smiled at her fondly. It was clear Skye was his favorite.
I cleared my throat. “Um, hello?”
Skye turned to me. “Sorry, Ro. What’s up?” She crossed her arms over her chest and regarded me.
I pulled her into my chest and hugged her. I never hugged my sister but I wanted to now. I never said it or showed it, but I loved her.
She hugged me back. “Everything okay, Ro?”
“Yeah.” I held her for a second longer before I let go.
She eyed Cayson then turned back to me. “I think you’ve hugged me twice in my entire life. And the other time was when I graduated college…”
I shrugged, not knowing what to say.
“Just accept his kindness and don’t question it,” Heath said.
I looked her in the eye. “I love you. I know I don’t say it enough. I’m sorry.”
Her eyes widened. “Are you dying?” She was being serious.
“No.” A small laugh escaped my lips. “I’m being sincere.”
She eyed me suspiciously before she accepted it. “I love you too.”
We held each other’s gaze before it became too uncomfortable.
Cayson approached me next. “Near death experience?”
“No.”
“Someone you know passed away?”
“No,” I answered.
“Hmm…” He rubbed his chin.
“I just had a terrible dream I lost my whole family,” I lied. That wasn’t a dream. It might be a reality.
He nodded. “Gotcha.”
Heath watched me with serious eyes.
“Let’s eat!” Mom called from the kitchen.
***
Mom was so excited we were there that she couldn’t stop smiling and asking us questions. Dad watched her with a smirk on his face, happy he made her happy. She asked me about work, and she asked Heath the same questions.
Skye didn’t mention work since she worked with Dad. Since they were together all the time, I assumed the last thing the wanted to discuss was what they did for eight hours every day.
“Did you and your father have fun at the gym yesterday?” Mom asked.
“Yeah. Some chick hit on him and it was hilarious how he gave her the cold shoulder.” I laughed at the memory.
Mom rolled her eyes. “All the girls love your father.”
“But I only love one woman.” He kissed her on the cheek.
“I know, Sean.” She gave him a fond look then looked away. “And what did this girl look like?”
I spoke. “She was hot—”
“Hideous,” Dad said. “Fat, smelly, and hideous.”
Mom chuckled. “So, she was actually a supermodel?”
“Maybe an anorexic slut,” I said.
Dad laughed at my comment.
Mom rubbed Dad’s shoulder. “It’s okay, babe. I know women hit on you. I don’t care.”
“You don’t care?” Skye asked. “If someone hit on Cayson, they’d be on the floor.”
“I’d like to see that,” Cayson said with a laugh.
“What?” Skye said. “You don’t think I would do it?”
“I just think you have no reason to be jealous,” Cayson said.
“Coming from the man who hates Ward with every fiber of his being,” Skye argued.
“Totally different,” Cayson argued. “You kissed him. I don’t kiss the girls who hit on me.”
“Wait, so girls hit on you?” she asked. “When? At work?”
I felt bad for Cayson. “Skye, pass me the salad.”
She grabbed the bowl but kept her eyes on Cayson.
“Skye?” I asked. “How’s Trinity doing?”
“Yeah,” Heath added.
That took her attention away from Cayson.
Cayson breathed a sigh of relief.
“She’s okay,” Skye said. “Still upset. I tried talking her down but she needs more time.”
“They’ll work it out,” Mom said. “I know they will.”
Dad rubbed her back to console her.
We changed the subject and talked about cars. Apparently, Dad was thinking of getting a new one.
“So…can I have your old one?” I asked.
“You have a job,” he said. “Get your own.”
I shrugged. “It was worth the shot.”
The evening passed in comfortable conversation and laughter. I didn’t realize what I had until it might disappear. Would I not be invited over for dinner anymore? Would the four of them get together and pretend I didn’t exist? The idea made me feel hollow.
Heath looked at me like he knew what I was thinking. Under the table, he patted my thigh, trying to console me the only way he knew how.
Chapter Three
Conrad
Dad was a mess.
He was silent most of the time, but his face was set in a permanent grimace. It was like someone had died. He was impossible to talk to, and he brushed off the advances of most people. Sometimes, it looked like he might have been crying.
My dad was the strongest man I knew. He had the body of a wrestler and the ferocity of a beast. He didn’t back down to anyone, and it was impossible to win any type of argument with him. He was impossible to penetrate. His thoughts were always a mystery.
But now he was distressed. He never took lunch, and I caught him staring at the wall in his office. A pen would be pressed to his lips and he was deep in thought, thinking about Trinity.
I didn’t know how to fix it. Dad did something pretty bad, and I didn’t blame Trinity for being upset. But I hoped they overcame their differences and came back together. I didn’t like seeing my dad like this, and I didn’t like knowing Trinity was hurt either.
But what could I do?
“Want to get lunch?” I asked as I stepped inside his office.
It took him a moment to understand I was there. “Sorry?”
“Lunch?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I’m busy, Conrad.” There wasn’t a single paper on his desk and the phone wasn’t ringing. He was staring out the window, lost in thought. He didn’t look busy at all.
“You need to eat, Dad.”
“I’m fine, Conrad. Thank you.”
I approached his desk then crossed my arms over my chest. “She’ll come around, Dad.”
He took a deep breath at the mention of Trinity. “She’s my little girl…”
I rested my hand on his shoulder. “She’ll come around. She’s just mad right now. We all say things we don’t mean when we’re upset. That’s a common fact.”
He nodded.
“Give it more time.”
“I want to make it right but I don’t know how.”
“I know, Dad. But moping around and not eating isn’t going to do anything.”
He sighed then rubbed his temple.
I’d never seen my dad weak. He was always the strong one of the family, keeping us together and protecting us. He wasn’t afraid of anything, and even if you stabbed him with a knife he wouldn’t flinch. It was odd to see me be the more logical one. “Come on, let’s get some grub.”
“Can you talk to her for me?” It was like he hadn’t heard a word I said.
“Dad, I really think she just needs space. There’s really nothing I can do.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“Now let’s go eat and get your mind off of it.”
“She’s all I ever think about,” he whispered.
“Well, you’re going to take a break.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him up. “Come on. Let’s go.”
***
The shop was finally open, and I was busy working two jobs. It was nice because I was getting paid and I had a distraction from my break up with Beatrice. But three months had come and gone and she hadn’t even called.
I didn’t really need to be distracted from her anymore.
I was angry about it for a long time. I was bitter too. There were nights when I wanted to demolish my room and scream. Then th
ere were nights when I didn’t think of her at all.
My opinion of her had changed over time. She was so complicated and emotionally stunted that I wondered what I ever saw in her. She was a woman incapable of love. Why on earth did I think I could ever fix that?
What about me? What about love for me? It was always me putting all the effort in the relationship. All she ever did was run away. Why couldn’t she chase me? Why was I always chasing her?
I couldn’t recall one bad thing I did in the relationship. Not one. She was always the one distrusting me, always the one thinking less of me. Well, you know what?
Fuck her.
I spent the night alone in my apartment. Theo and Alex were at the studio so I was alone. I ate dinner then watched TV. Being alone wasn’t difficult anymore. I hadn’t dated anyone or even considered it. It just wasn’t on my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to a girl. After Beatrice, I was totally turned off from women. They were nothing but trouble.
A knock on my door made me sigh. It wasn’t Theo because he wouldn’t knock, and I wasn’t expecting any guests. The only person it might be was Roland. I hadn’t spent much time with him because I preferred solitude. Maybe he stopped by to check on me. I wouldn’t put it past him.
Without checking the peephole, I opened the door.
Beatrice stood there.
Was this real?
Was I hallucinating?
Was this a dream?
I stared at her, seeing the features I’d come to know so well. Her perfection was clear as a painting. She was flawless and unblemished. But underneath that pretty package was an ice-cold heart.
I refused to speak first. I had nothing to say, at least anything intelligent, and I had no idea what she wanted. Maybe she came here to yell at me. Maybe she wanted to scream at me for taking her virginity. Believe me, I wish I could give it back to her.
“Hi…” Her voice came out quiet, like she was afraid.
“Hello.” My voice was steady and strong. If anything, I sounded bored. After she ignored me for two months, I assumed I would never hear from her again. Seeing her on my doorstep three months after our break up was shocking. But I didn’t act surprised. I wouldn’t give her any satisfaction whatsoever.
She fidgeted with her hands. A necklace of pearls was around her neck, and she wore a pink cardigan with black pants. She looked thinner than I remembered but just as beautiful. “I came by to apologize.”
“For what?” I asked. “Last time I checked, I was the bad guy.” My voice didn’t come out sarcastic.
“I’m sorry I got so upset about…you talking to my father. You know how I feel about the situation and I felt betrayed.”
“You already said this.” Now I was being a dick.
“Anyway, I realized how wrong I was. You were just trying to help and I got so upset that I didn’t see that.”
This was three months too late so it didn’t mean much. “I accept your apology.” What else was I supposed to do? Hold onto the grudge forever?
She clearly didn’t expect this conversation to go this way. I was calm and accepting. I didn’t look at her with want. I looked at her like she was a girl scout selling me cookies. “Conrad, I miss you…” Her eyes watered.
“Three months later?” I asked incredulously. “And you miss me?”
“Of course I do.”
“So, two months ago you were fine? Three months is a long ass time, Beatrice.”
“You know how stubborn I am. It just took me awhile to realize what I’d done…that I messed up.”
“Well, I don’t feel the same way,” I said bluntly.
She pressed her lips together, but she still looked devastated.
“Our entire relationship was me busting my ass to keep us together. You may be beautiful, Beatrice, but you aren’t worth it. Never once were you there for me. Never once was the relationship about me. It was always about you and all your insecurities. Well, I’m tired of it. I’m sorry you had a terrible childhood. I really am. But you let it affect our relationship like a poison.”
She breathed hard and her eyes continued to water. But the tears didn’t fall. “You were always so patient with me and I wished I had trusted you more, and now I realize my stupidity. I’m sorry, Conrad.”
“And I forgive you.”
She took a deep breath and her lip quivered. “I want to be what we were. I’ll be better from now on.”
I leaned against the door and looked at the ground. “It’s been three months.”
“Time is irrelevant.”
“Why did it take you three months to figure this out? Did you realize that no other guy would want you for your personality? Because it’s pretty shitty.”
She stepped back like she’d been stung.
“Three goddamn months. Beatrice, I don’t even feel the same way anymore. I’m a different person now. You can’t come back and expect me to be in the same place. One month would be different, even two. But three? No.”
“But I know you love me.”
I took a deep breath and tried not to snap. “Where was this faith three months ago? I only spoke to your father because I care about you. I was trying to do the right thing but you said I betrayed you and you wanted nothing to do with me. If you think you’re going to find a man better than me, good luck.”
“I know I won’t,” she said.
“So, is this out of desperation? Out of loneliness?”
“Of course, not.”
“I’m not buying it. There’s no reason it should have taken you this long to figure it out. If you apologized to me sooner, we may have had a chance. But now…it’s too late.”
“Don’t say that…” The tears started to leak.
I couldn’t look at her. “I don’t say this to hurt you. But you’ve hurt me too much. I’ve bent my back in ridiculous angles just to make you happy. I arranged to have you admitted into Harvard and then I had my father pay back your loans in exchange for me working for him. And that doesn’t mean a damn thing to you.”
She gasped. “What did you do?”
I kept my silence.
“I thought that was a scholarship…”
“That you didn’t apply for?” I asked incredulously.
“That’s why you started working there.”
“You know, for a law student you aren’t that bright.”
She didn’t take offense to the jab. “I didn’t know…”
“I’m just sick of this. I’m sick of me doing everything for you. I offered to live with you and pay your rent and all your bills just to make your life easier. When have you ever gone out of your way to take care of me? No, the second something gets tough, you take off. You’ve hurt me countless times and I just can’t take it anymore. I’d never thought I’d say this, but I’m too good for you, Beatrice.”
She crossed her arms over her chest and averted her gaze. “There has to be something I can do.”
‘There’s not,” I said quietly. “I’m done with this. When I was just sleeping around, I was much happier. There was no pain or conflict. It was simple. My relationship with you…was just a damn train wreck.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I’m not saying I didn’t love you—”
“Didn’t?” she asked. “As in, you don’t?”
I paused for a moment when I realized what I said. It didn’t hit me until now. “It’s been three months…”
She closed her eyes for a moment and more tears fell.
I couldn’t look at her. It was too painful. “I wish things were different. I’d wish you’d realized this earlier, or I wish you hadn’t pushed me away for an unjustifiable reason. But that’s what happened. We have to deal with it.”
“We can start over.”
“No.” My voice sliced through the air. “Beatrice, you need to work out your problems on your own. You need to reconcile with your father and let your mother go. You need to see a therapist. Get well, and then start a new relationship. You w
on’t have any trouble finding someone who will fall under your spell.”
“I want it to be you…”
“I never had a problem with the fact you weren’t completely whole. I knew you had problems, and that never bothered me. But you let it affect our relationship. When you found out I used to sleep around, you acted like I cheated on you. You aren’t accepting of people’s mistakes or behaviors. You expect too much. Beatrice, humans make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Even you.”
“I know…I’m sorry.”
“Like I said, I forgive you.”
“Then just take me back,” she begged. “I don’t know how I’m going to live without you.”
“You’ve been doing fine for the past three months.”
“And what have you been doing?” she demanded. “A different girl every night?”
The accusation stung. “What if I have?”
She stared at me and didn’t react.
“Does that change anything?” I was just curious to her response.
She took a deep breath and deliberated the question. “No…”
I shook my head. “You’re just telling me what I want to hear. And no, I haven’t been with anyone, not even my hand. I waited a whole year to finally make love to you, and in that year I never cheated on you and I didn’t even jerk off. No guy would be able to handle that unless he was ridiculously in love with you. Beatrice, you never appreciated what you had. All you ever did was look at me disapprovingly, like I was beneath you because I was sexually experienced and I wasn’t perfect. You’re too judgmental and harsh. If I dug into your past, I know I’d find something. You’re lucky I have the class not to.”
She stepped back then wiped her eyes. She released a loud sniff. “This can’t be it.”
“What have you been doing for the past three months?” I demanded.
“Just school.”
“And you missed me that entire time?” I asked incredulously.
“Well, I was upset most of the time. Then my brother talked to me—”
Now I was pissed off. “Your brother talked to you? So the only reason you realized you missed me was because your brother pulled your head out of your ass? You didn’t want it on your own?” I shook my head. “Unbelievable…”
“It wasn’t like that—”
“Yes, it was. Your brother came here and asked me to beg you to take me back. Obviously, I refused. So, he went to you and tried to get you to want me back. He was playing cupid. So these tears and this sadness aren’t sincere. It only happened because William made you realize how unfair you were being. And then before that, it was Theo. It was never you.” I shook my head in disbelief. “I’m done with you—forever. I’m never going to change my mind about this. You may as well just go.”