by E. L. Todd
Again, she broke apart. “Arsen, leave me alone. I mean it.”
I gave her a cocky grin. “It doesn’t seem like you want me to…”
She released an angry sigh then stormed off again. She reached the lobby then burst out of the doors.
I reached her then grabbed her arm again.
This time, she kept her distance. “Let me go.” Threat was in her eyes.
I did as she asked. “Talk to me.”
“I just want to be alone right now.”
“Stop running!”
She smacked me hard across the face. “I can run all I like. How many times did you run from me? How many times did you leave me standing alone? How many times did you let me go and break my heart?” She breathed hard with a furious expression on her face. Then, wordlessly, she turned around and walked away.
I stood on the sidewalk as New Yorkers passed. I wanted to chase her but I knew she needed space. But that didn’t make watching her go any easier.
***
A week passed and I refrained from pursuing her. A lot had happened on that night, and I knew she was struggling to absorb it all. She wanted me, but she didn’t want to want me. She feared me. While I caused her immense joy, I also caused her soul-crushing pain. I’d had time to adjust to the change in my lifestyle. I witnessed the transformation slowly, working out my emotions and reflecting on my relationship with Silke with exquisite detail. Silke didn’t have that luxury. I just appeared out of nowhere, a new man who wore a stunning suit. She still saw me as the man I used to be. In her eyes, I still wore a leather jacket and would be there for one moment then gone the next. While I was eager to be with her, I had to keep in mind that she needed patience.
I’d give that to her.
I considered calling her every day. I wanted to stop by her apartment just to look at her. I thought about leaving flowers on her doorstep with a note of apology, but remembering the pained look on her face, she just wanted to be alone. I could corner her like an animal over and over but that wouldn’t make any progress.
Patience.
***
I was sitting at my desk in my office when the door burst open. No one came inside unless they knocked first, and I wasn’t expecting anyone. Even Ryan knocked first even though he had every right to barge in whenever he felt like it.
Silke walked inside, a look on her face I didn’t recognize.
I immediately rose to my feet, unsure why I did it. I was ready for whatever was going to happen. If she was going to declare her love for me, I wanted to be prepared to scoop her into my arms. I wanted to be ready for that beautiful embrace.
But judging the look on her face, that wasn’t going to happen. “You can’t just come into my life and expect us to go back to what we were.” She went from zero to sixty in a second. Her voice was loud, so audible that the rest of the building could hear every word she was saying. She clearly rehearsed this, had been consumed by these words all week. I let her say what she wanted. “You can’t just kiss me and think it’s going to make everything better. Big deal, you have a job. Big deal, you wear a suit. Big deal, you’re a terrific father. That doesn’t change what you did to me. It doesn’t change how I fought for you over and over. It doesn’t change that I always had faith in you and you never appreciated it—not once. I loved you for who you were, and you treated me like shit. You bit the hand that fed you, and then you left me. You looked me in the eye and told me you never wanted to see me again. After everything I did to keep us together, you abandoned me. You left me.” Tears emerged and fell down her cheeks.
It broke my heart.
“I broke up with Pike because I didn’t love him. I didn’t want to waste his time. But you have no idea how much I wish I did love him. He treated me right and had his shit together from the beginning. He never hurt me and he never pushed me away. I wished I loved him. I wish it more than anything else.” She breathed hard while she gave me a look of pure loathing. “I hate you, Arsen. I never want to be with you again. I hate you more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life.” Still crying, she stormed out and slammed the door behind her. It collided with the frame so hard, a picture frame hanging on the wall fell and shattered into pieces.
I leaned over my desk and covered my face, her final words echoing in my mind, indefinitely. She hated me. And I deserved to be hated. The pain spread in my veins and almost brought me to tears.
***
Two hours later, the door opened again. Silke stepped inside, walking across the shattered glass and not paying any attention to it. She shut the door behind her and looked at me.
She had more to say?
“Okay…I don’t hate you.” She took a deep breath like she was trying not to cry. “I’m sorry I said that.”
I stared at her and remained silent.
“You’ve hurt me so much and I just…don’t understand.” She shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. “When I saw you in that bar, surrounded by two bimbos, I knew it then. I knew I loved you.” Her voice trailed off.
I hung onto every word.
“After everything you put me through, I still loved you. The feeling couldn’t be shaken. And then when you went to prison and months passed…I thought I made my peace with it. I thought I was over you. I thought I’d grown and realized how stupid I was. You were my first love and I just made poor decisions. Then I met Pike and thought everything was going to be okay. I finally found the right guy. But…I never felt what I felt when I saw you in that bar. It never happened. And when he told me he loved me, all I thought about was you. And I ran away…”
Her words were heartbreaking, but they also gave me hope.
“I hate you because you won’t let me go. I hate you because no matter what I can’t get over you. You went to prison and broke my heart a million times but still…I can’t stop.” She took a deep breath and covered her face. When a minute passed, she looked at me again. “I want this feeling to go away. I don’t want to love you. I want it to stop.”
I stared at her and stopped myself from speaking. She needed me to listen. In our previous relationship, I never listened to her. All I did was act. I did what I wanted. I never gave her what she needed. But now I was ready to give her what she wanted. And I would.
She suddenly walked out, stepped over the glass, and then disappeared again.
I leaned back in my chair and tried to figure out what to do.
***
At the end of the day, the door opened again.
I knew who it was without looking.
She walked inside, looking upset but still gorgeous. “I didn’t mean to say I regretted our relationship…because I don’t.”
I stood up and put my hands in my pockets, regarding her seriously.
“Because I don’t,” she continued. “I just wish things weren’t so complicated between us. I wish our relationship had been different. I understand you were in a dark place when we were together and I take that into account, but it doesn’t change the resentment I feel…”
She was clearly stuck. She kept going back and forth, trying to sort out her feelings when they clouded her mind. She struggled, unsure what to do. Even though her message was clouded with endless words, one thing was clear; she loved me and she couldn’t stop. Our time apart hadn’t changed anything, and her seeing someone hadn’t changed that either. It was innate and true, whether she wanted it to be or not.
She fidgeted with her hands. “I’m sorry…I’m not even sure why I’m telling you this.”
I came around the desk, moving slowly.
She didn’t look at me, her eyes on her nails, clearly uncomfortable and out of place. She was letting me see her bleeding heart, and that embarrassed her. She was being weak in front of me, and she wasn’t sure if she made a mistake in doing that.
Without thinking, I gripped her and lifted her on the desk. Her legs were around my waist and I pulled her hips to me. Looking into her eyes, I pressed my forehead to hers. Then I kissed her.
This time, it was slow. I didn’t take her aggressively. I told her I loved her with just my kiss.
Silke reciprocated like I knew she would. Her legs tightened around me, and her hands rested on my biceps, clinging to me.
I gave her purposeful kisses, treasuring her lips and silently promising to love her forever. I breathed into her mouth then fisted her hair like I’d always wanted to. My hand moved to the back of her neck and I took her possessively, wanting to claim her as mine forever.
My lips moved to her neck, and I gripped her lower back as I kept her in place. Then I pressed my forehead to hers again. “Give me a chance. I won’t let you down.”
Uncertainty came into her eyes.
“One more chance, Silke. You can push me away and I’ll chase you down. You can be the weak one and I’ll be the strong one. I’ll be as patient as you need me to be. I will always be here because there’s only one woman I want. You’re the last woman I’ve had and the only one I will ever take. Please take one more risk. Please give your heart to me one last time.”
She gripped me tightly but seemed to be at a loss of words.
I patiently waited.
“I can’t…”
I closed my eyes as my heart broke.
“I can’t give that to you. It’s too much, too fast.”
“What can you give me?”
She thought for a moment. “A friendship…I don’t know you, Arsen. You’re the same but you’re different.”
“I’ll settle for anything you’re willing to give me,” I whispered.
She didn’t let me go. “But you have to promise me something.”
“I’ll promise anything,” I said without hesitation.
“Promise me you won’t kiss me…”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. It was like asking me not to drink water.
“Because I can’t resist you. I try but never succeed…it clouds my judgment.”
I nodded. “I promise.”
She breathed a sigh of relief.
It took all my strength to move away from her. I extended my hand to her. “Friends?”
She finally gave me a smile. “Friends.”
Chapter Nine
Mike
My daughter hates me.
I really fucked this up.
I was just trying to protect her, but instead, I hurt her.
What was I going to do?
I love her.
The idea of losing her from my life forever was a fate I couldn’t even contemplate. I wouldn’t walk her down the aisle. I wouldn’t be there for the birth of my grandchildren.
I would miss everything.
She hated me. She looked me in the eye and said it. There was no doubt or hesitation She said it, and with every fiber of her being, she meant it.
I was grateful Slade was trying to bring us back together. He could easily turn his back on me and I wouldn’t be able to judge him for it. He had every right to hate me.
But thankfully, he didn’t.
How would I get Trinity back? I’d tried talking to her and apologizing. I told her I love her and said I was sorry from the bottom of my heart.
But she still didn’t want me.
My life had become unbearable. I was a walking zombie. When I was home, I ignored Cassandra and stared at a wall for hours. Sometimes I thought I was at a work but then reality set in. I drank more beer than water.
I’d sit at my desk in my office then think I was home. Sean would snap me back to reality by touching me on the shoulder or trying to make me feel better with empty words.
I drank scotch at work, hoping that would dull the pain.
Days molded together and I couldn’t distinguish them. On a Saturday morning, I got up and dressed for work. Cassandra had to remind me it was the weekend. Depressed, I went to work anyway and sat in my office.
Alone.
Losing a child was the worst pain imaginable. And it was my only daughter. I didn’t have an excuse for my behavior other than the fact I was just trying to protect her. And I hated myself for that.
Trinity should hate me.
***
I’d been drinking a lot lately. Normally, I had a beer at dinner, and when I went out, I had a few more. But it was nothing compared to now. If I didn’t have a drink in my system the pain was too unbreakable. Even Cassandra, the woman who had my soul, couldn’t make me feel better.
I failed as a parent, and that was the worst failure in the world. I’d never been perfect at everything, and failure wasn’t something that bothered me. But this did. After work, like every day, I went to a bar and sat alone. Sean usually joined me even though we didn’t speak, but Scarlet had a doctor’s appointment, and since he went everywhere with her, he joined her.
It didn’t bother me. I wanted to be alone. The bartender knew my name because I came there so often. He would ask the usual questions. “Divorced? Widowed?” I shook my head in response.
I’d had my last drink when I cut myself off. My mind was a little foggy, and Trinity’s face came into view. My life was full of regret. I’d wished I treated Slade better, and I wished I hadn’t interfered in Trinity’s relationship.
I should have left it alone.
Now I was paying the price, a debt I could never pay back. I lost one of the people I love most in this world.
My own daughter.
I tossed the money on the table then walked out. My suit would smell like cheap liquor when I got home, and Cassandra would give me a look of disapproval but she wouldn’t berate me for it. She knew I was lower than I’d ever been.
The drive from the city was boring like always. I didn’t listen to music because it just made me more depressed. My mind was foggy and I found myself drifting away. I wondered what Trinity was doing. Was she thinking about me? And if she was, was it in a good way?
My hands touched the steering wheel lights since everything was amplified. I was aware of the sound of the tires as they powered down the road. I could hear the engine roar as I sped home. Everything was in my mind.
And there was a horn.
I’d driven into the opposite lane without realizing it, and a car was headed right toward me. “Shit.” I pulled the steering wheel and dodged out of the way just in time. But the wheel overcorrected and I drove off the road. I went through the fields, and I slammed on my brakes to stop, but my car was going too fast. I wasn’t sure what speed it was, but it had to be over sixty.
And then there was a pole.
“Fuck.” My car smashed into it and I felt everything break. The sound of the car smashing came into my ears. Metal shattered and the glass broke. The air bag hit me in the face but it did little to cushion the blow.
Then everything went black.
***
My body was lifted and then I was lying flat. I heard voices around me but I couldn’t open my eyes. I tried to move but my body couldn’t cooperate. All I could do was breathe and think.
“Get the IV going,” one man said.
“Norco, now,” another said. “He’s going to need it.”
“We’ll need a transfusion,” the first man said. “Let’s go.”
Was I still alive? What was happening? I tried to speak but it came out as a mumble.
“Sir, you’ve been in an accident. You’re on your way to the hospital.”
What if I didn’t make it? My family. “Tell my wife…” The words came out garbled.
“Sir.” He rested his hand on mine. “Save your energy.”
I tried to concentrate but I couldn’t. I was slipping into darkness again. This time, I feared I wouldn’t wake up. The last thought I had was my family. I wished I could tell them I loved them, once more.
***
“Are you next of kin?” A man’s voice came into my ear. I couldn’t open my eyes. They wouldn’t respond.
“No,” Sean’s voice, calm and steady, came into my ear. “But I’m his brother. His wife is fifteen minutes away. I can give you my consent.”
&nbs
p; “We need to take him to surgery immediately. He’s bleeding internally, there’s too much pressure in his skull, and he’s losing a lot of blood. We need to act quickly.”
“I’ll sign it,” Sean said. I heard him scribble.
‘There’s a chance he may be in a coma,” the doctor said. “At least a few weeks.”
“I understand,” Sean said.
“If he makes it at all,” the doctor said.
Fuck, this was bad.
“I understand,” Sean repeated. This time his voice was weak.
“Let’s go,” the doctor said.
“Wait.” The words came out weak. I hoped Sean heard me.
“He’s awake.” Sean moved to my side and touched my hand. “It’s Sean. I’m here. They’re going to take you to surgery. You’ll be okay.”
No, I had a feeling I wouldn’t be. I forced my eyes to open. “Cassandra?” My voice cracked.
“She’s not here yet.” Sean looked devastated, like he wished he could give me a different answer. “I’m sorry.”
I grabbed his hand, needing to touch my brother. “Take care of my family, Sean.”
He took a deep breath and his eyes watered. “You don’t even need to ask that, Mike.”
I could die knowing they would be okay. “Tell them I love them.”
“You can tell them yourself when you come back,” he said quietly.
“Sean.” My voice came out firm. “Tell them, please.”
“You know I will.” He tried to stop himself from crying but he couldn’t help it.
“And tell Trinity…I forgive her. Make sure you tell her that.”
“I will.” He squeezed my hand then kissed my forehead. “But you are coming back.”
“We need to go.” The doctor moved the bed forward.
Sean stood back and dropped my hand. “You’re going to be fine.”
I stared at him, my closest friend and brother. I hoped I’d see his face again. And I hoped I would see my family too. “I love you, brother.”