by Cat Kane
"Nobody? Hmm. So who is your favorite?"
"Pantherina," Craig said.
"Ah, good choice," Jase said approvingly. "She’s really cool. I think she’s my favorite too." Then, "Are you sure you don’t like Swamp-Rage?"
Craig actually giggled. "No!" After a moment he spoke more shyly, but still more openly than Riley had heard him in a long time. "I like her because I like cats."
"Cats are cool too," Jase agreed. "They’re really smart. Do you guys have a pet cat?" Craig must have shaken his head. Or, Riley bit back the chuckle so as not to give himself away, most likely Bree had sent Jase a ‘don’t encourage them!’ look. "That’s too bad. Maybe Santa will bring you guys a kitty, huh?"
"Santa doesn’t transport live animals," Bree said sharply, confirming Riley’s suspicion. "It’s against Elf code."
Before the kids could demand to know more about the legal intricacies of Elf code, Riley decided to take pity on Jase and intervene.
"Sorry," he said, poking his head around the door, "but the elves need me and Jase elsewhere right now."
"Hey." Jase looked up at him, gaze soft. He was wearing the scarf, Riley noted with a pleased flush. "They do, huh?"
"Yeah," Riley murmured, "and you know we can’t keep them waiting on Christmas Eve."
"That’d definitely be against Elf code," Jase agreed, closing the distance between them, and reaching out. Riley was so far gone in his eyes that he wouldn’t have cared if Jase had kissed him, or touched his cheek, right here in the living room with the whole house as an audience, but all Jase did was adjust Riley’s shirt collar. "It was kinda crooked," he explained. "And you look great, so…"
"Thanks." Riley’s own hand rose instinctively to his collar, almost as if he could still feel the residual warmth from Jase’s touch on the fabric.
"It’d be a shame," Jase went on, "if something messed it up."
Under her breath, Bree muttered, "Get a room," only for Carly to pipe up – loud and confused – "But Mama, we’re in a room. The living room!"
Jase chuckled as Riley blushed.
"Okay, well!" he said, too loudly. "We’re gonna go now."
"Be back in time for my hair appointment!" Bree called as they left.
They were safely out of earshot of the kids when Riley eventually said, "Thank you."
"For what?"
"Being nice to the kids. That was really sweet of you."
"Ah, it’s no big deal."
"No, it really is," Riley insisted. "I live with them, those shows on cartoon channels all through the holidays – twenty-four seven it feels like, some days –and I still have no idea who’s who."
"The boss at my last job, her kid used to be obsessed with that stuff. She’d be buying action figures or trading cards or something every other day. I think I just absorbed it that way." Jase shrugged. "I’m not great with kids."
"Even so, it was a really nice thing to do. Sometimes people act like they don’t exist, let alone show an interest in the stuff they care about." He counted his footfalls through the frost-edged leaves, trying to find careful words for what he wanted to say. "I don’t think they’re attached to me, exactly. They haven’t turned me into some replacement for their dad or anything. But I feel like… I owe them stability, you know? And if I brought someone into their lives that treated them badly, then…"
And if that wasn’t overwhelming pressure for the second date with a guy he’d known a few days, Riley had no idea what was.
They were close enough to their destination that Riley could hear the band playing carols, smell the rich, sweet spices from the food vendors’ stalls when Jase eventually spoke.
"They’re good kids," he said quietly. "I’m not… I don’t know how to deal with kids, usually. They’re so damn perceptive," he chuckled softly, "any front you put up for other people, they can see right through it."
Riley sent him a sidelong look. "Do you put up a front for all other people? ‘Cause you don’t have to with me." He looked away. "Not if you don’t want to."
He felt Jase bump his shoulder with his own, a pleasant warmth spreading out from the brief, gentle contact.
"I definitely don’t want to." His knuckles grazed the back of Riley’s hand, fingers brushing. "Not with you."
Riley let their fingers tangle for a second, squeezing briefly. "Good."
They walked in comfortable silence, even though all the streets around them were busy with the Christmas Eve last-minute rush. It was Jase’s turn to pester him about where they were going, and Riley’s turn to feign smugness and say, "You’ll see."
Much like the flyer that drew him here, the street fair was decked out in old-fashioned Victorian Christmas decorations. Red velvet ribbons held arrangements of pine and holly onto lampposts, and mock candle lanterns dangled between them across the street. A band in vintage costumes played classics from the north end of the neighbourhood, while the rest of the street was lined with ornately decorated stalls. Scents of nutmeg and cinnamon, fresh sweetbreads and hot cocoa drifted through the chilly air. A few of the vendors that weren’t selling food were selling traditional ornaments and trimmings, elaborate nutcrackers, gossamer-fragile glass baubles and intricately carved wooden candle stands.
Nothing about any of this screamed that it was anywhere close to their budget, and he could tell the moment Jase realized that when he faltered, and said, "Riley—"
"I hope you’re ready to get to work," Riley interrupted before Jase could get too worried. "I’ve kinda signed us up as volunteers to help with the fair."
"Volunteers," Jase echoed, though Riley hoped the edge of wariness was gone from his voice.
"Yeah. Nothing major, just gofering for the vendors, maybe carrying things for the organizers. Whatever they need us for, really." He risked a peek at Jase’s reaction. "Is that okay?"
Jase was smiling, so he took that as a good sign. He didn’t want to come across as pitying, and he didn’t want to dent Jase’s pride. He just wanted Jase to know he understood how it felt to think your circumstances meant you didn’t belong in places other people took for granted. And maybe they couldn’t be here as regular consumers, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t be here at all.
"Sounds like fun," Jase said, and Riley could start breathing again.
"Hi guys," a woman approached them, wearing a Santa hat and flashing Christmas tree earrings that sparkled against her dark skin. "Are you here for the volunteering?"
"Yeah," Riley nodded. "I called last night. I spoke to Shauna, I think?"
"That’s me. And you’re Riley and… Jase?" She checked their names off on the tablet she carried. "Thank you both so much for offering to help out. We can always do with more hands on deck."
"No problem," Jase said before Riley could say anything. "That’s what this time of year’s all about, right?
"Riley, I’ve got you down for helping the food stalls down at the corner of Twelfth. Jase, you’re with me. We’ve got the band, and anything the security team needs help with."
"Security?" Jase said, and before Riley could decipher the edge to his voice, Shauna laughed.
"Don’t look so worried, it’s mostly just keeping an eye on any rowdy kids." She gestured behind her at the pretty line of booths and stalls extending down the street. "We don’t exactly draw a shady crowd here."
Jase still didn’t look convinced, but before Riley could tell him they could just go, that they didn’t have to do this if it made him uncomfortable, Shauna was already herding them in different directions.
"I’ll see you later, ok?" he called over his shoulder before Jase disappeared into the crowds at the opposite end of the street.
"Yeah," Jase said, with all the conviction of someone who’d probably make a bid for freedom as soon as Riley’s back was turned. "Later."
* * *
Security. It was only a small local street fair, but surely they should have done some more serious vetting than just handing a guy like him a role like that. Fine, so maybe he
didn’t have ‘Hi, I’m Jase, I’m at least fifty-percent likely to steal your car just because I’m cold!’ tattooed on his forehead, but he’d always suspected people could just tell.
"If you see the vendors go into the bookstore," Shauna was saying as she showed him the ropes, "then they’re dropping off some of their takings. It shouldn’t be an issue, but keep an eye on them anyway in case they’re being followed or watched."
Clearly, people really couldn’t tell.
He never wanted to hurt anyone. Anything he took, he treated with the same respect as he’d treat his own things – even that beat-up old Ford. He never took everything, and never anything that was obviously of sentimental value, just a couple of things he could sell on quickly for rent or food when he needed to. Sometimes he tried to tell himself he could be doing so much worse, but all the attempts at justification in the world wouldn’t change the fact that he was doing something really shitty.
He’d done something really shitty to Riley. He was still doing it, by letting Riley believe he was some kind of knight in shining armor, returning lost gifts, charming cute children, volunteering for the greater good.
That wasn’t him. He was a liar, a thief, a waste of space.
Except…
He couldn’t name the warmth unfurling in his chest at the awareness Riley had arranged all of this without once drawing attention to why they couldn’t just be here as carefree browsers. He hadn’t asked, he hadn’t questioned. He’d just understood. Jase couldn’t remember the last time anyone had shown him that much unconditional thoughtfulness.
He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had thought about him at all.
It had been a very long time since he’d wished for anything for Christmas, but if he had to, right now he’d wish for Riley. Beautiful, kind, thoughtful Riley, who obviously had issues of his own to deal with but still found it within himself to care about his aunt and those kids.
And Jase, who didn’t deserve it at all.
As the afternoon ticked by and the sky darkened, the street fair came to bright, shining life. Strings of twinkling lights framed every stall, a glowing garland winding its way into the distance. Every now and then he’d catch sight of Riley, ferrying boxes of sweetbreads or pitchers of mulled wine, and every time something in Jase’s chest did a little flip.
"Your boyfriend’s cute," Shauna said, dragging him away from his latest Riley-sighting.
"He’s not my boyfriend," Jase replied, but clearly not as neutrally as he’d intended, because she hummed a knowing little sound.
"Yet?"
He shook his head. "Ever. He’s a sweet guy, and he’s way too good for me."
"Oh god, do people actually say things like that in the real world?" Shauna teased. "C’mon, you don’t strike me as being that awful a person, or you wouldn’t be spending your Christmas Eve doing this. And the way he’s been looking at you all afternoon, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think so either."
"He’s been looking at me?" Well, there went any attempt at pretending he didn’t care.
"Only every chance he gets," Shauna said. "I’m surprised you haven’t noticed, as much as you’ve been looking at him."
Jase ducked his head. "Sorry."
"Aww, I’m only messing with you," Shauna laughed. "I think it’s adorable. And what’s Christmas Eve for if not a little romance."
"What about giving not receiving, and goodwill to all men and all that stuff?"
"What’s more about the spirit of giving than starting a new relationship?" Shauna mulled. "Isn’t that what you do when you meet someone you connect with? You give yourself. You give your truth, because you have faith they’re going to accept you for who you are."
Whatever that warm thing was, fluttering in his chest at the sight of Riley, it shrivelled up at the prospect of giving anyone his truth. His truth was a shitshow.
"Yeah, well, sometimes who you are is too fucked up for anyone to accept."
Shauna looked at him sternly. "That’s very, very rarely true. Trust me, unless you’ve done a handful of the truly unforgivable things, everyone deserves to have someone in their corner. All the other stuff, well… it might take some work, but if someone’s sincere about fixing their mistakes then I believe they can do it."
"Shauna…"
"Hey, Shauna!" One of the craft stall vendors barged in on the moment, brandishing what was clearly a decent wad of cash wrapped in a cloth money bag. "Can you drop this off at the bookstore for me? I can’t leave the stall."
"Jase’ll do it," Shauna said.
"Me?" A shot of panic lanced through him. "But… wait—"
But Shauna had already taken the cash, and the vendor was disappearing back towards her stall. Jase watched his hands reach out shakily to take the bag Shauna handed him. She placed one of her hands over his in a comforting pat before letting go, in a gesture he hadn’t felt in many, many years.
"I trust you," she said solemnly. "I don’t think you’re that fucked up. And neither does that cute boy of yours over there."
"Shauna—"
"If you don’t think you’re good enough for him, then start with making yourself better, right now." She gave him a little nudge. "The bookstore. Tell them those go with Kim’s takings. And then get your ass back here, ‘cause I’ve got a surprise for you."
He was halfway to the bookstore before he even realized what he was doing. The bag in his hand was a heavy, alien thing. He had no idea how much might be in there, but it’d sure as hell pay for a decent Christmas. No scrounging around for quarters with all that. Nobody here actually knew much about him; he could make a break for it and be halfway across town before the realized.
And Riley would be left standing under these Christmas lights, wondering where he’d gone. Shauna would have to tell him what Jase had done, and Riley would probably blame himself for bringing Jase here in the first place. Because of course he’d believe it, something in the back of his head was probably already telling him Jase was trouble, he just wouldn’t understand just how until the cops came to talk to him. Hell, they’d probably tell him what really happened to his shopping cart too, and Riley would know just how much Jase had lied to him.
An image of Riley standing outside that store doorway slammed into his mind, heartbroken and forlorn in the cold.
Jase had done that to him then. He was never going to do it again. If he had his way, Riley would never have that look on his face again either. He’d been given a second chance that might’ve made him believe there was something special about the season if he was so inclined. He wasn’t going to screw it up.
When he got to the bookstore, he walked up to the counter, handed over the bag, hearing himself say, "These are Kim’s, they need to go with her takings."
"Sure thing," the woman behind the counter said with a smile, taking the bag and making a note on a complicated looking spreadsheet. "Thanks, hon."
He felt lighter on the walk back to Shauna, but it wasn’t because of the lack of cargo. He even looked to see whether he could spot Riley, just needing to reaffirm his choice, but he couldn’t catch sight of that brilliant auburn hair anywhere under the lights.
Shauna was waiting for him, with what he swore was a proud expression on her face.
"One last errand," Shauna said, looking suspiciously gleeful, "and then you’re free to enjoy the rest of your Christmas Eve."
"Okay," Jase agreed. "What do you need me to do?"
Shauna handed him a small crate laden with sweetbreads and cookies, some candied fruits, and a bottle of mulled wine and a couple of glasses.
"That’s a delivery for a table at the back of the pop-up café," she said. "You won’t be able to miss it. Just drop off the order and you’ll be done."
Jase arched a brow as he took the crate. "I won’t, huh?"
"Nope. Thanks for all your help this afternoon, Jase." Shauna waved him off with a smile. "And I hope you guys have a great holiday."
SEVEN
Riley had been c
arrying a box of Santa-shaped candles over to the craft tables when Shauna jogged over to him. For a moment, he worried he’d been caught mooning at Jase instead of working, but her smile didn’t seem especially critical.
"I’ve only got a sec," she began, "but I need you to run an errand for me."
"Of course." Riley gestured to the box. "I have to drop these off, but sure, whatever you need."
"There’s an order for pick-up at the café," Shauna said. "Table at the back. If it’s not there yet, can you wait? After that you’ve got the rest of your afternoon free."
"Really?" Riley frowned. "But we’ve only been helping out a couple of hours."
"And you guys’ve been more help than you know. Oh, I gotta go." Shauna patted his arm warmly. "Enjoy the rest of your day, okay? And I hope you have a great Christmas."
Baffled, Riley watched her hurry back the way she came.
"Yeah, you too."
It was only after the Santa candles were safely on the craft table did he realize she’d never told him what order pick-up he was waiting for. Was it a food delivery or more stock for the vendors, or…?
Or Jase, with a crateful of food, standing beside a tiny white linen topped café table, resplendent with a holly centrepiece and two mugs of steaming hot chocolate.
"Wow." Riley stared, evidently too surprised to say anything remotely sensible at the sight. "I guess Bree was right after all."
"Huh?"
"Nothing." He chuckled. "So did Shauna trick you too?"
"That lady’s something all right." A fond expression crossed Jase’s face, and part of Riley would’ve given anything to have seen whatever Shauna had said or done to garner such admiration. Most of him though was just happy she had; Jase’s usual bristly edges seemed to have been softened slightly. He was even looking at the centrepiece – complete, Riley could see now, with Santa candle in the middle – with amusement rather than cynicism.
The small table barely held all the goodies Shauna had assembled for them. By the time Jase poured the rich, spicy-scented mulled wine out into two plastic cups, there was no room to set it down. Undeterred, Jase held his cup out in a toast.