by Jen Davis
Matt pulled away from Robby’s mouth to trail kisses down his neck. He could eat him alive. “Want,” he breathed against Robby’s skin, his hand sliding down the other man’s arm, only coming to a stop at his hip.
Even as tightly pressed together as their bodies were, he couldn’t get close enough. He surged forward.
And stumbled, almost taking Robby down to the laminate floor.
The frenzy came to an abrupt halt.
Robby’s chest heaved in panting breaths, and his arousal stood proud, tenting his pants. But he shook his head and stepped back, his arms in front of him creating an effective barricade. “Stop!”
Matt didn’t want to stop. Finally, he understood what he’d been missing all this time. How he should’ve felt when he had sex with Patty. How she must have felt about him.
“Matt!” Robby barked.
It took the sharp sound of his name for him to realize he was still moving toward the other man, his body seeking to recapture the feeling Robby had snatched away.
He froze. “I don’t understand.”
“You’re drunk.”
“So?” He trusted Robby. He wanted Robby.
“So?” Robby repeated, frustration leaking into his voice. “You told me you weren’t ready for this, and now when you’re three sheets to the wind, it seems like a good time to give it a go?”
Yeah.
Robby flexed his jaw.
Had he answered the question out loud?
“I would never be with someone who I’m not sure wants to be with me.”
“But I—”
“You are too wasted to know what you want right now.” Robby dropped his arms, suddenly looking very tired, his Oxford shirt uncharacteristically rumpled. “You told me yourself, you ruined your only other friendship by letting it go somewhere you knew it shouldn’t. What if you wake up in the morning and regret this? What if you can’t look me in the eye because I was too selfish to stop you?”
“I wouldn’t—”
“I will not take you without consent!” Robby roared. A vein bulged at his neck against the skin still slightly red from his kisses.
Matt had never seen Robby angry before. This went even beyond anger. It was outrage…and as effective in killing his libido as a bucket of ice water. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Please don’t be mad.”
The contorted expression on Robby’s face fell away, leaving something somber behind. “I’m not…mad. This is important, though. I won’t compromise our friendship over something you might regret. And even more importantly, I would never risk making you feel used or violated.” Robby raked back his hair as it fell into his eyes. “You matter to me. If this is something you still want tomorrow, we’ll have a different kind of conversation. If not, well, I hope you can forgive me for not stopping you sooner.”
Robby pulled his shoulders back and walked ramrod straight out of the apartment.
Matt stared at the door as it closed with a snick.
His lips still tingled from Robby’s kiss; his galloping heart gave no sign of slowing down. Lust—real, actual lust—coursed through his veins, and it occurred to him he might experience blue balls tonight for the very first time.
Though his thoughts threatened to scatter on the wind, he tried to make sense of what just happened. The need and desire screaming for satisfaction, Robby had felt it too. He was sure of it. The intensity of their kiss left no room for doubt.
It was getting harder to stay on his feet with the world spinning so hard. He leaned against the arm of the sofa, only to tip over the side, his butt in the air and his face smooshed between two cushions. The position was crazy-uncomfortable, but he couldn’t find the energy to move, beyond turning his head to face the open air of the living room.
He’d take all this apart tomorrow and examine it. For now, he just needed to sleep.
He closed his eyes just as his stomach roiled then violently rejected everything he’d eaten—or drunk—in the past twenty-four hours. The only small mercy was that most of it went on the floor.
Chapter SIXTEEN
Robby
Robby’s eyes burned as he stared at the text Xander sent him a minute ago.
Xander: Matt out sick today.
There was no chance he would cry. He wasn’t sure he even could these days. The burning in his eyes just meant he’d gone too long without blinking.
Sending back a thumbs up emoji acknowledgement, he shoved the phone back into his pocket. Anxiety latched its cold fingers into his chest, and he rubbed at his sternum as if it might help release the icy hold.
Matt had never called out sick. Not once in more than a year. He knew for a fact the man had come to work with bronchitis and even the flu once. Xander told him he’d tried to send Matt home those days, but it always came down to money. Matt insisted he needed it to take care of his kid.
But today? The day after he had slipped a tongue in the guy’s mouth? The day after he’d pressed his erection against Matt’s own? Today things were bad enough to risk losing eight hours’ pay.
He tapped his clipboard against his forehead.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!
Why had he let himself indulge in their kiss?
Matt had made it crystal clear he wanted to be friends. He needed time to figure out his feelings. Even worse, he’d crossed a line with his baby’s mama once, and it had destroyed a friendship he’d had for years. Any bond Robby had with him was in its infancy. No way it could survive the same kind of regret.
He paced the confines of the small construction trailer.
What had happened last night wasn’t nearly as catastrophic as what went down with Matt’s old BFF. After all, those two had gone fully horizontal. Still, he’d agreed to honor Matt’s boundaries, then crashed right through them.
What should he do? How could he know whether to trust the attraction he felt burning between them?
***
Matt
Robby wasn’t at the work site when Matt arrived Friday, and there was no sign of him at lunch or in the hours afterward. Even though Matt wasn’t sure what he’d say when they came face-to-face. He just knew they needed to talk.
When it got close to quitting time, he finally worked up the nerve to ask the guys where he was.
Brick wiped his forehead with the bandana he kept in his back pocket. “Some meeting with Xander at the main office, but he said he’d drop by before the end of the day.” He checked his phone. “Soon, I’d guess. You’ve got his number, right?”
“Yeah, thanks.” This wasn’t the kind of conversation you handled with a phone call.
Maybe it was a mixed blessing. He’d tried all day to figure out what he should say. How he should feel. Though some of the details from Wednesday night were hazy, the high points had branded in his brain.
Like the kiss. The way his body reacted. The way Robby had shut him down so completely.
But it wasn’t from lack of desire. He remembered the thick, insistent ridge of Robby’s arousal pressing against him. The naked lust. Every time he thought about it, his body stirred all over again.
How did he put it all into words? Expressing himself had never been his strong suit.
You said if this is something I still want, we would have a conversation. Well, I still want—
What? What did he want?
I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened between us the other night. And I want you to know I still feel—
Turned on? Hard?
The truth, yes, but Robby deserved better. No way the guy was the love ‘em and leave ‘em type. But what kind of promises could he make? He knew squat about being a boyfriend…to a man or a woman. And while he knew the idea of kissing Robby revved his engine, he couldn’t quite wrap his head around the sex part.
What if Robby wanted to—
Of course, he’d want to.
Following the thread to its logical conclusion made his stomach clench. Objectively, he knew anal sex didn’t have to be painful. I
f it wasn’t possible for it to feel good, no one would do it.
He’d tried porn of all kinds over the years, hoping he could jump start his non-existent libido. Soft core. Hard core. Girl on guy. Girl on girl. Guy on guy. Some of the stuff in the videos looked like it hurt no matter what the doctored audio sounded like. And none of it turned him on.
But Robby did, and the thought brought him back full circle.
“Matt?”
Speak of the devil. Robby stood in the doorway to the unfinished garage, hugging his clipboard to his chest. Shadow covered part of his face, thanks to the approaching dusk. His tousled brown hair spilled over his left eye, but he made no move to push it away.
“I’m glad you’re here.” Matt regretted the words as soon as he said them, not because he didn’t mean it, but because he so very much did. Clearing his throat, he tried again. “I was afraid—Brick said you were in a meeting with Xander.”
Robby stepped farther into the room and leaned against the counter. “You were afraid?”
“That’s not what I meant to say.”
“Oh.” There was a world of disappointment in the one syllable.
“I was, though. Afraid, I mean. Afraid you were avoiding me.” He reached down for the water bottle at his feet. His mouth hadn’t been this dry a minute ago. Not only did the lukewarm water wet his tongue, it gave him a welcome distraction, if only for a moment.
“Avoiding you?” Robby laughed, but it was a hollow sound. “You weren’t even here yesterday. The guy who works through walking pneumonia, and you don’t come in the day after we…”
Crap. Matt hadn’t even thought about how his absence would look. “I’m sorry. I should have realized.” A text message pinged his phone, but he ignored it. “The only time I could lift my head for hours was to throw my guts up. I’ve never been so sick in my entire life, man. Guess I found my limit with alcohol.”
“Do you remember everything that happened?”
Ugh. Why did this have to be so awkward? He stared at his feet.
“You can say what’s on your mind. No one will hear you.” Robby sighed. “The rest of the guys were leaving when I pulled up.”
“I’m not worried about the guys.” Damn if he wasn’t making a mess of this. “I remember kissing you.” The phone pinged again, and the corners around Robby’s eyes tightened. “I remember you were worried about whether I did it because I was drunk.”
“And?”
“Would I have done it sober? Probably not.”
Robby put one hand over his mouth and wrapped his opposite arm around his waist. Wounded.
“I don’t mean that the way it sounded. This is why I don’t like talking. I always screw it up.” He flexed his fingers in frustration. “What I meant was the shots gave me the courage to take what I really wanted.”
Dropping the hand from his face, Robby moved his right arm to hug himself entirely. “But you said you didn’t know what you wanted. The other night—”
“You mean, the first time we kissed…at your apartment? I didn’t know. I needed time to think, to figure things out.” He stepped closer. “And things have changed since then.” His phone pinged again. And again. And again.
“Just answer it,” Robby growled.
With so many texts, it could only be Patty. He pulled the phone out of his back pocket, and sure enough, a half dozen messages from her lit the screen. “She needs me to watch Jimmy. They called her in to work tonight.” He quickly typed back an answer. “I’ve got to go. But listen, I want to talk this through. Tonight? Please? I’ll take him to my mom’s. You can come by my place, maybe seven o’clock?”
Robby released his arms and let them hang at his sides. “Sure. I’ll be there.”
He needed to hustle if Patty was going to make the start of her shift. He got halfway to the door before he looked back over his shoulder. “Hey, Rob? Don’t give up on me yet.”
***
A smart man would have used the time before seven to figure out exactly how to put his feelings into words, but as the doorbell rang, Matt knew no one could ever accuse him of being smart. To be fair, Jimmy was cutting some new teeth, and it had made him super-cranky when he dropped him off. All of his regular methods to comfort and entertain him had come up short.
He barely had time for a shower and change of clothes before Robby arrived. At least he’d be clean when he made a hash of things tonight.
Thank God he’d scrubbed the living room down last night. He’d had to mop the floor twice and spray Lysol to get rid of the puke smell.
He opened the door to solid evidence Robby had run home to shower as well. His wavy brown hair was still damp and combed out of his face. He wore soft pale blue jeans and a lightweight long-sleeve green sweater which set off those gorgeous brown eyes to perfection. Gorgeous, but definitely anxious as well. “Come in.”
Robby shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he slipped into the room and stood next to the arm of the sofa. “You wanted to talk.”
“Can we sit?”
Wordlessly, Robby slid onto the couch and folded his arms in front of him.
“You aren’t the only guy I’ve ever kissed.”
“But you said—”
“What I told you before was true at the time.” Matt sat beside Robby, who promptly shot to his feet.
“You mean you made out with some guy after we kissed each other?” No more Subdued Robby now. The man’s eyes blazed with—anger? Jealousy?
Not fair. Matt stood to face him. “Hey, hey. Don’t look at me like that. You seemed to have some connection with Chandler.”
“I did not,” Robby sputtered.
“But you were with him Sunday.”
“Only because I couldn’t be with you!” The words hung in the air, sucking up all of the oxygen in the room. Two dull red spots darkened Robby’s cheeks, and the longer the silence held, the bigger they got. “Besides. The guy is married.”
“I didn’t know.” Matt groaned, rubbing his eyes. “Can we please sit down?” He waited until Robby returned to the sofa before he retook his seat. “I’ve never—felt attracted to women. I couldn’t even fake it. I never tried. Which made me kind of a target in high school. I didn’t ever fit with anyone until Patty became my friend. She was my lifeline; sometimes she felt like my only connection to the human race.”
He ran his damp palms over his khaki-covered thighs. “I knew I was missing something. The way other guys always talked about girls…I could look at someone and find them attractive, but I never wanted to do anything about it. I looked at dirty magazines, internet porn. Nothing. The night Patty and I—there was something. It was a little something, but I grabbed onto it with both hands. I thought maybe I could fake it ’til I made it.”
Heat rushed into his face. “Obviously, I was able to see it through, but when I thought about it, it just felt wrong. I kept trying, but it was a bust. When Patty realized we could never—I could never—she just lost it, you know?”
“You told me.”
“She swore up and down afterward I was gay. Told me I made her my beard.” He’d had to Google the term afterward. “I didn’t think I was, but man, I was so confused by then, I went to a male strip show and gave some gay porn a go. But it didn’t do it for me either.”
Robby dipped his chin. “You’re saying you’re asexual.”
It was a term he’d come across in his exhaustive internet search. “I used to think so. Until I started spending time with you.” He bit at the nail on his thumb. “At first, it was like I found the first guy friend I ever had, but somewhere along the way—maybe when I went to your place the night we first kissed—I started feeling something else.”
“So, you went out and kissed another guy.” The edge was back in Robby’s voice.
“Don’t you get it? I didn’t want it to be you.”
Robby’s head reared back. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing. You are the first person I have ever wanted to touch me. But wha
t if I messed it up? I ruin a chance to be a normal person and destroy the only real friendship I have.”
“You’re already a normal person. Cishet doesn’t mean normal.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do. You don’t think you’re normal.”
“You want to psychoanalyze me, or you want to talk about what’s going on between us?” The words came out way harsher than he intended. “Sorry. This is already hard for me. Can you please let me get through it?”
Robby nodded.
“I went to a bar. Danced with a few guys. One of them kissed me. I wanted to want it, but it felt nothing like when I kissed you. Drunk or sober, with you I want it. I think maybe I started drinking to give myself an excuse to do what I’d been fantasizing about without considering the consequences. But I wanted it. I wanted you. Both times. All the time.”
“I’ve been crazy about you since the day we met,” Robby admitted.
Holy cow. How could he have missed it? “I didn’t know.”
Robby rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, I think you were the only one who didn’t. Brick figured it out almost right away. Kane too.”
His heart sped up. “Do they know about—?”
“Our kisses? No. Would it be a problem if they did?”
Part of him wanted to keep it quiet; the other part wanted to shout it to the world. “I’d like us to figure out what this is first, if it’s okay with you. I’m not ashamed of you, if that’s what you’re worried about. I think you’re amazing, but I’m a private person. I spend a lot of time in my own head.”
“Okay.” Though there was obviously some hesitation there. “What do you want to do about us?”
Matt shrugged. “I don’t know anything about how to be in a relationship, and I don’t know how I feel about getting physical beyond kissing. It’s all kind of—intimidating to me. I would like to see where it goes, though, if you’re willing. If you don’t think it will ruin our friendship, and if you don’t mind going slowly with me.”