All I Have Left of You

by Laura Daniels

  I brushed my teeth and sombrely removed my smudged makeup in the harsh light of the bright white wet room. A part of me wished I could be more like Roanna, excited for the next three years of adventure, but I just wanted them to pass as quickly as possible so that I could be with Michael again. I felt so silly for a second. He was twenty minutes away by train, and I knew how lucky I was to have him at all. But we’d missed each other tonight, hadn’t spoken for hours. It made the distance between us feel like the Atlantic.

  Once I’d finished in the bathroom, I changed into my cosy pyjamas and snuggled with Mikey beneath the covers. I fell asleep within seconds.

  Chapter Twelve

  22nd July 2019

  Time without Michael: 1 Year, 7 Months, 5 Days

  ‘How soon can I move in?’ I received the text from Max two days after we’d met up. I sent him a reply telling him he could start bringing his stuff over that evening and he was here within the hour.

  ‘That eager to get out of Mum and Dad’s way, huh?’ I laughed as I opened the door.

  He shook his head, smiling. ‘She’s been leaving me out a list of chores to do and putting a couple of quid under my pillow when I’ve done them.’

  I laughed. ‘The chore fairy.’

  ‘Exactly,’ he said as he carried two large suitcases into the apartment.

  ‘Well I promise I won’t leave out lists of chores, but Indie might leave something under your pillow. That’s normally her room,’ I told him.

  His eyes went wide, and I burst out laughing.

  ‘I’m kidding,’ I said, punching him lightly on the arm. ‘Indie is perfectly trained, and she normally sleeps in with me.’

  ‘Oh,’ he said, looking relieved.

  ‘Let’s get started!’

  I helped Max get unpacked. Luckily, or unluckily, depending on how you looked at it, he didn’t have much stuff. He’d sold all his furniture before he went to Thailand and Poppy was still living in the house they’d shared there. He’d decided to let her have everything. He knew he’d made a mistake marrying her and didn’t want to drag the proceedings on by fighting her in a divorce court. Poppy was supposedly furious with Max. He’d had to change his number since he’d come back as she’d been sending him abusive texts and wouldn’t stop calling despite his numerous explanations to her.

  ‘Wow, you have the complete box set of The X-Files!’ I said excitedly, as I pulled it out of one of his cases.

  ‘Yeah,’ Max scoffed as though it were something every household should have. ‘Have you seen it?’

  I shook my head. ‘No. Michael and I always wanted to start it but we never got round to it. Can we watch it tonight?’

  Max nodded with a smile. ‘Absolutely, it’s been a good few years since I last watched them all.’

  I grinned excitedly. ‘Brilliant, we’ll get a takeaway, some wine, and binge!’

  And that was how we spent the next few nights. During the day, Max would be out job hunting, and I’d work at home. We’d make tea together and sit in front of the TV with a glass of wine, watching as Mulder and Scully investigated one paranormal phenomenon after the other. It was a routine I quickly slipped into and having someone around the house again breathed new life into it.

  Sometimes I felt guilty about how happy it made me. It made me feel like I was forgetting about Michael, and I didn’t like that. He was already gone, but he felt like he was slipping away again, like sand through my fingers, and I didn’t want him to. It was odd. It was like I missed my grief. It was still there; it still invaded my dreams, and it still hit me at unexpected parts of the day; if I heard a song he liked, caught a glimpse of a book he’d read, or if someone on TV looked or sounded like him.

  But it wasn’t as prominent as it once had been.

  For the longest time, grief had been me. Grief had been my life. Each moment was about struggling to the next, about fighting for survival, about praying I’d make it through another day without him.

  Yet now it faded, ever so slightly, into the background, and there was no describing the feeling of guilt that came with that. It ate at me, gnawed at my mind like flesh-eating maggots chewing away at my sanity.

  The night before I was taking Lydia to London I didn’t sleep very well.

  In fact, it was the first night since Max had moved in that I hadn’t slept all the way through. I’d tossed and turned all night, bothered by this consuming guilt.

  When my alarm went off at six, I shot out of bed. That wasn’t like me. The snooze button was usually my best friend, and there were days when I loved my bed more than chocolate. But this wasn’t one of those times. It had felt like a prison last night.

  I took a brisk shower and got ready, putting on a bit of BB Cream, lip balm, and mascara. I’d laid my outfit out the night before and put on the jeans and lacy cream top, teaming it with a pair of white Converse trainers. My bag for the hotel was packed, and in it was a brand new navy dress I’d bought to wear for the opera tonight.

  I still hadn’t told Lydia where we were going. I’d told her I was taking her to London, but other than that she knew nothing. She knew nothing of the afternoon tea I’d booked at Harrods, and nothing of La Traviata. I was excited. Or, I would have been if not for the agonising guilt.

  ‘Morning,’ Max said when I came out of my room and into the kitchen. He looked sleepy and wore just a t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts.

  ‘What are you doing up so early?’ I asked with a smile as I headed to the cupboard to grab a cup. I took one out and then swapped it for a bigger one; I’d need a lot of caffeine

  after the shoddy night’s sleep I’d had.

  ‘I couldn’t sleep,’ he said with a yawn.

  ‘Neither could I,’ I admitted as I filled the kettle with water to boil. ‘Coffee?’

  He nodded.

  ‘Any reason why you couldn’t sleep?’ I asked, wondering if it was the same as mine.

  Max’s brows knitted together as he sat down on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. ‘I don’t know. I’ve been feeling a bit weird, I suppose.’

  My eyes widened, and my tummy did a flip. ‘Weird how?’ I asked, attempting to be nonchalant.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said with a sigh. ‘I guess it’s just weird being back, living with you, where Michael used to live.’

  I bit my lip and folded my arms across my chest, leaning against the kitchen worktop. ‘I suppose.’

  ‘Why didn’t you sleep?’ he asked.

  ‘Indie was moving around a lot,’ I lied. I suddenly didn’t want to volunteer my feelings. If I felt weird and Max felt weird, he might have wanted to move out, and that wasn’t what I wanted at all. ‘If you ever want to talk about Michael, you can, you know? If anything bothers you, I want to know.’

  Max nodded. ‘Yeah. Yeah, of course. The same goes for

  you.’

  I smiled. ‘I know. Michael would be happy you’re here. He’d be glad we’re keeping each other company,’ I told him. And he would, I realised. Michael wouldn’t want me to be lonely; I knew that, so I did my best to push down the guilt. I’d just have to get stronger. I’d have to learn how to handle it better.

  ‘I think you’re right,’ Max said with a small smile.

  ‘Good,’ I said, closing the conversation. The kettle finished boiling, and I made us both a coffee. ‘Shall we take these out to the balcony and watch the world wake up?’

  Lydia and I weren’t catching the train to London until ten, but I got to the Mills household for eight. We wanted a catch-up and a cup of tea before we set off, and Lydia was still faffing over what to take with her. I told her not to take too much, and I didn’t ask her to pack anything fancy for the night. I was planning on buying her an outfit for the opera in London.

  ‘So, how is Genevieve? Have you spoken to her recently?’ I asked as I took a sip of tea. Lydia made the best tea, and she’d accompanied it with homemade toasted muffins. I could also spy a fresh batch of her famous chocolate buns sitting on a plate un
derneath some Clingfilm on the counter. I hope she’d made them for the

  journey. I’d loved them since I was eleven.

  Lydia grimaced and shook her head. ‘The last time we spoke to her was back in May. She’s sent a postcard from New York, but that’s it.’

  Michael’s sister had been living in America since he died. She’d moved out there only a week after the funeral. At first, she’d stayed with their cousin, but after a year she’d saved up enough money to go travelling across the States. I felt terribly sorry for her. She felt responsible for her little brother’s death and was having a hard time accepting she wasn’t to blame.

  ‘Has she mentioned coming home?’

  Lydia shook her head again. ‘No. I’ve decided to stop asking her. She’ll come when she’s ready. I’ve told her to stop blaming herself, but it doesn’t seem to go in. We could play the blame game all day. Maybe it’s my fault for not keeping a closer eye on Gen when she was a teenager. Maybe it’s my fault for persuading her to move up here when...’ she trailed off and bit her bottom lip. It had started trembling.

  I reached out and took her hand. ‘There’s only one person who is at fault for Michael’s death, and he’s rotting in jail.’

  Lydia nodded, sniffling. ‘I know, I know.’ Tears clouded her eyes. ‘Oh, look at me. My mascara will be all over my

  face if I’m not careful.’

  I got up and grabbed her a sheet of kitchen roll.

  ‘Thanks, love,’ she said as she took it from me and dabbed beneath her eyes in an ever-so-ladylike manner. ‘Oh, now. This is meant to be a nice girly day out. I haven’t seen you for a while. How have you been?’

  ‘Alright,’ I said. ‘Actually, I have a new roommate.’

  ‘Oh, that’s nice,’ she said, sniffling and screwing up the bit of kitchen roll and clasping it in her first. ‘I bet it’s nice to have someone around again, isn’t it? Anyone we know?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s Max,’ I said with a smile.

  ‘Max from school?’ she asked.

  I nodded.

  Lydia beamed. ‘That’s brilliant, love. I saw his mum the other day. She said he was back from Thailand. To be honest, I’m glad he’s divorced that Poppy. I only ever met her the once but she didn’t seem right for him at all.’

  ‘I never really liked her. Michael gave her more of a chance than I did, but in the end, he still wasn’t keen. She was just so demanding of Max. She didn’t even let him speak to me when they were living in Thailand,’ I told her.

  Lydia scoffed. ‘What a piece of work. I’m sure he’ll meet someone better soon.’ She paused. ‘What about you?’

  I was puzzled. ‘What about me?’

  Lydia sighed delicately. ‘Are you thinking about meeting

  someone anytime soon?’

  My eyes went wide. ‘No. No. Not at all,’ I answered in shock.

  ‘I know it’s awful to think about, but one day you will, love,’ Lydia said softly. ‘And it won’t mean you love Michael any less. I want you to know you can come to me with things like that, Lina. You’re still my daughter-in-law, and you always will be.’

  ‘I don’t think it’ll be for a while,’ I told her truthfully. ‘I haven’t even thought about it if I’m honest. I’ve been feeling guilty enough about enjoying living with Max.’

  Lydia’s brow raised. ‘Why would you feel guilty about that? You’ve known Max for years.’

  I pursed my lips. ‘I know. It’s just that I haven’t shared that home with anyone but Michael. It’s so nice to have Max there, but I feel bad that I’m enjoying it. I feel bad that it makes me happy.’

  ‘Elina Mills, Michael would never want you to be unhappy,’ Lydia said in a kind but firm way. ‘All he cared about was your happiness. Do not feel bad. Michael was cheated of his life. He wouldn’t want you to waste yours because you feel guilty you’re still alive and able to feel a flicker of happiness. We get one of these, Lina. You’re allowed to be happy and still love and miss your husband.’

  ‘I guess he got his wisdom from you,’ I said with a light

  laugh.

  ‘He did,’ Lydia laughed, but then quickly sobered. ‘I was the same when I lost my sister at sixteen. She was my twin, my best friend, and it took me years to allow myself even a smile without scolding myself.’ Lydia’s twin sister, Julia, was killed by a drunk driver. She talked about Julia a lot. In fact, she spoke about her that much that I didn’t even know she was dead until I asked Michael where she lived when we were in school. ‘But Julia was just like Michael. She was so happy and always wanted the best for everyone. When I was twenty, my mum sat me down and told me how upset Julia would be if she knew I couldn’t even crack a smile. I didn’t want to upset Julia, so I started living my life the way she would have. Living for her. You’re allowed to grieve someone and still have moments of happiness, Lina. Life is not that simple to feel one way or the other.’

  I nodded. ‘You’re right. I know you are. Because Michael took after you, and he was always right.’

  Lydia laughed. ‘He was, wasn’t he?’ She reached out and took my hand in hers. ‘So, what do you say? Shall we live for Michael today?’

  I grinned. ‘Oh, absolutely.’

  Chapter Thirteen

  11th February 2011

  ‘You should definitely go with the vibrating cock ring,’ Roanna said, holding a somewhat frightening-looking black ring in her hand. It had the trademark Ann Summers rabbit ears sticking out of it.

  I laughed. ‘I’m not sure.’ That was a lie. I was definitely sure. I wasn’t taking that thing to Huddersfield with me. ‘I think I’d rather just buy something nice to wear for him.’ Roanna, Kit and I were shopping in Leeds city centre. I was visiting Michael that weekend for our six-year-anniversary, and I wanted to surprise him with something sexy.

  Over the past year-and-a-half or so we had adjusted to seeing each other only a couple of times a month, and over the holidays we’d made time to see each other as much as possible. Despite all my fears, things were great with Michael, and in general. I was enjoying my time at uni with my friends; we’d go out a couple of times a week and other nights we’d stay in playing Never Have I Ever or watching films. I loved my course, too. The lecturers were enthusiastic and passionate, the assignments intriguing and thought-provoking. Michael was also really enjoying his, and he’d joined a climbing society where he’d made some really good friends. In a way, I was glad we weren’t studying in the same city; it meant I could build new relationships and learn new things about myself.

  ‘I wouldn’t be seen dead in any of this,’ Kit said, her cheeks reddening. She looked mortified as her eyes raked across the shelves and rails.

  ‘Oh, come on, what about a sexy nurse’s outfit?’ Roanna pushed, abandoning the cock ring on a random shelf and dashing to the outfits that came in boxes. She grabbed one and passed it to me. There was a picture of a tanned, dark-haired woman wearing a white latex dress on the front, holding a thermometer and wearing a stethoscope around her neck. It wasn’t very me if I’m completely honest.

  ‘I don’t want to look cheap. I want to look sexy,’ I said, pursing my lips and ultimately shaking my head at the nurse’s outfit and handing it back to Roanna.

  ‘I’ve worn mine countless times, and it’s never failed to impress,’ Roanna said huskily.

  Kit laughed. ‘But have you seen the parade of guys you bring home? They’re shallow men looking for cheap thrills. Hence you’re still single.’

  ‘I’m still single because I want to be single, Kitty Cat,’ Roanna said casually. ‘Besides, I’m still having more sex than you, and you’re in a relationship. When was the last time you and Pete did anything but missionary? Men like variety, Kit. You’ve got to keep them on their toes.’

  ‘You’re off your rocker, Ro. Pete and I are perfectly happy with our sex life, but thank you very much for your advice,’ Kit said with defiance.

  Roanna shrugged and went back to browsing the rails.

  ‘Don’
t listen to her,’ I said to Kit reassuringly. ‘We’re all different.’

  ‘Oh my god, Lina, you have to try this on!’ came Roanna’s voice from behind another rail.

  ‘I know,’ Kit said to me with a smile.

  But I knew Roanna’s words had got to her. Later that day, I saw Kit sneaking back home with a trademark Ann Summers bag in hand.

  ‘My train will get in at twelve-thirty-six,’ I told Michael as I picked up my toothbrush and toothpaste and tossed them into my hold-all. ‘Be there, or else no sexy time.’

  ‘Ooh, these are some serious threats you’re making, my Lina Lamb,’ he said into the phone, and I detected a cheeky smile. ‘I’ll be there, I promise. Listen, a couple of mates from climbing want to meet you, so is it okay if we pop out for a quick drink with them first? An hour or two at the most. And then I want you all to myself. I’ve missed you.’

  Over the past few weekends, we’d each had commitments which meant we hadn’t seen each other. He’d had a couple of climbing trips with his friends, Sam and Paul, and it had been Roanna’s birthday the weekend before so the three of us had gone to Newcastle for the weekend. It had been messy, but luckily I was still in that no-hangover phase. The same couldn’t be said for Roanna. She’d stayed in bed for two days straight when we’d returned to Leeds. She’d been sick at least three times on the train home.

  ‘Haven’t I met most of your climbing friends?’ I frowned as I packed my pyjamas. I was sure the only one I hadn’t met was Sam. He was a new friend, and Michael had banged on about him non-stop since they’d met. They played video games until the early hours of the morning and went to gigs together. I hoped Max didn’t know about this; he might have worried he was being replaced.

  ‘It’s just Sam and Paul you haven’t. You’ve met Paul from my course, but this is a different one. So, is it okay if we meet them?’ he asked again.