All I Have Left of You

by Laura Daniels

  ‘But he was your best friend,’ I said in a small, guilt-ridden voice.

  ‘He’s also your best friend, Lina.’

  Before I could respond, he vanished, and Roanna took his place in a flash.

  She eyed me with concern. ‘Are you okay?’

  I nodded and blinked a few times to regain composure. ‘Yeah,’ I fibbed. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because you were talking to yourself,’ she said, slowly swishing her arms around in the water.

  ‘Was I?’ I said with a forced laugh. ‘I must have been planning my articles out loud again.’

  ‘You were saying that someone was your best friend, but you said it as though you weren’t you, as though you were someone else talking to you,’ she said. She took a deep, apprehensive breath and asked, ‘Were you talking about Max?’

  I paused as I tried to think of a way out of this. After deciding there wasn’t one and that there was little point in lying, I sighed. ‘Yes.’

  Roanna gave me a friendly, comforting smile. ‘You had a dream about him last night didn’t you?’

  My expression must have given away my answer. I felt

  my cheeks grow rosier.

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked, moving through the water to join me at the poolside.

  I shook my head, filled with shame. ‘No,’ I told her. ‘It’s just… I’ve never dreamt about him before. Not in that way, and I haven’t dreamt about anyone in that way since Michael died.’

  ‘You can’t beat yourself up, Lina. You can’t help what you dream, and my god, Max is hot!’ she exclaimed.

  I laughed. I’d always noticed he had a good body and that he had nice, dark eyes, but I’d never fancied him. I honestly only had eyes for Michael. ‘But, I don’t know what it means.’

  ‘It means you haven’t had sex for ages and this is your body’s way of telling you you’re ready or getting ready,’ Roanna said.

  I swallowed a gulp of fear, and a sudden heat spread uncomfortably across my belly. The thought of having sex with someone else terrified me; made me hot and cold at the same time. ‘That’s not it. I don’t want to have sex with Max,’ I told her adamantly.

  ‘I don’t necessarily mean Max,’ she said. ‘But when was the last time you had feelings like that?’

  ‘When Michael was alive. I haven’t even thought about sex since he died.’ It was the truth. Well, I’d often thought of the sex Michael and I had had, but I’d never thought about it as a possibility.

  ‘There you go. You’re a woman, Lina. It’s in our nature to have feelings of lust. There’s nothing wrong with having a dream about a man who isn’t your husband. It doesn’t mean you love Michael any less. It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten about him,’ she said gently. ‘He is why we’re here, after all.’

  I nodded, offering a small smile. ‘He is.’

  ‘What happened in the dream, anyway?’ Roanna asked cheekily after a minute or so of quiet.

  ‘It was nothing, really,’ I said, laughing a little, feeling silly. ‘We weren’t even doing anything. He was just topless, and in the dream I liked it. I probably only dreamt it because he’d FaceTime’d me without a shirt on before I went to bed.’

  ‘And I decided to go out and get drunk when I could have seen Max without his bloody shirt on!’ Roanna cursed. ‘Instead, I had to watch Kit almost shag a teenager in a lift!’

  I burst out laughing. ‘Thanks, Roanna.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘For making me laugh. I needed it,’ I told her gratefully.

  Roanna smiled. ‘That’s what I’m here for.’

  If Roanna hadn’t made me laugh enough, what happened

  next definitely did the trick.

  It was early afternoon when Kit finally joined us by the pool, and we were sipping cocktails on our loungers.

  ‘Oh, god. You just had to have alcohol, did you?’ she groaned, turning her nose up at the smell of our drinks as she sat down with us. She looked like she’d crawled into a bottle of vodka last night.

  She wore a large, straw sun hat, and a pair of huge, dark sunglasses covered her eyes. Her nose was white with sun cream, and she wore a long-sleeved black-cover up. I couldn’t see much of her face, but I could tell she didn’t look well. Regret pierced through her shades.

  ‘What the fuck are you wearing?’ Roanna laughed.

  Kit whacked her hard with her beach bag. ‘Shut up! I burn easily, and the sun is too bright for my head right now. I blame you for this, Roanna.’

  Roanna guffawed. ‘You’re the one who suggested the shots, love.’

  Kit said nothing but let out a long groan. ‘Is there any chance last night didn’t happen and that it was all just a weird fucked up dream?’

  ‘I’m afraid not, sweetheart,’ I said, stroking her back.

  Kit groaned again. ‘How could I have done this? My behaviour mortifies me! I have children at home! Children!’

  ‘You’re going through a hard time. Give yourself a break,’ I told her.

  ‘Yeah, and at least the guy you shagged was older than your children!’ Roanna laughed, apparently unable to resist the joke.

  ‘He was nineteen! That’s legal!’ Kit protested. But then she gasped in absolute disgust, as though learning of her actions for the first time. ‘Oh my good god, I had sex with a nineteen-year-old. He needed a fake ID to get into the club! What’s wrong with me?’

  ‘You were drunk,’ I reminded her with an amused smile. ‘Apparently very drunk. You should be grateful you made it to the bedroom and didn’t do it in the lift like you almost did.’

  ‘Oh my goodness. The hotel will have that on camera. I’m so embarrassed.’

  Roanna scoffed. ‘This is Vegas, Kit. I’m sure crazier things have happened than two people almost doing it in a lift.’

  ‘Exactly,’ I agreed. ‘Some people have probably actually done it in the lift.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Kit said sarcastically. ‘That makes me feel so much better.’

  Roanna and I laughed.

  ‘We were thinking about going to the Stratosphere this

  evening if you can stomach it? We were thinking around sunset?’ I asked. I’m not going to lie, I would have been a bit disappointed if Kit had told me she wasn’t joining us because of a hangover, but I knew the last thing I’d want to do while feeling rough was ride one of the tallest roller coasters in the world.

  Kit nodded. ‘I’m coming,’ she said defiantly. ‘I’m not bailing because I have the worst hangover known to man.’

  I smiled. ‘Thanks. That means a lot.’

  *

  There were there thrill rides at the top of Stratosphere Tower, and each one was more terrifying and less inviting than the last. After doing some research, I’d managed to work out that the one Michael had been determined to ride was called X-Scream, and, looking at it, I understood how it had quite clearly earned its name.

  It was eight-hundred-and-eighty-six feet above the ground, which was about eight-hundred-and-eighty feet above where I wanted to be.

  The ride propels riders headfirst, twenty-seven feet over the edge of the Stratosphere Casino, Hotel and Tower. After being shot over the edge, those brave enough to take on X-Scream are then dangled weightlessly above the Las Vegas strip before being pulled back, only to be propelled over the edge once again seconds later to endure further terror.

  To get to the top of the tower, we’d had to climb what felt like countless stairs and ride in a lift with three others who had quite clearly lost the plot as much as we had. Also in the lift with us was a man whose job it was to go up and down with people in the lift all day. I don’t think I’d do that job for a million a year with health benefits. Roanna had asked him which one of the rides was his favourite. He’d laughed and asked if we were joking. Apparently, in the two years that he’d worked there, he hadn’t been on any of them. In my book, that made him smart. Very smart.

  Once we were at the very top, we emerged into a viewing area surrounded by thick
glass. There were signs warning guests of high winds, advising that now might be a good time to secure any loose articles.

  I swallowed a lump of fear, and my belly grew thick with nerves. No, not nerves. Nerves are what you get when you go for a job interview or when you take your driving test. This feeling was pure, white-hot fright.

  ‘Fuck, we’re high up.’ I couldn’t help but curse as I looked out beyond the glass. You could see all the way out to the vast Red Rock Canyon, and the tall hotels Vegas was known for were dwarfed by the dizzying heights we had reached. The sun was in the midst of setting, lights of all different colours were twinkling up at us from the gleaming buildings below, and the sky was dark, burnt orange behind the coal black of the canyon.

  Roanna giggled excitedly. ‘Oh my god, it’s awesome! Can we do the bungee jump next?’

  ‘I was just sick in my mouth a bit,’ Kit responded with a sour grimace. Her head was still sore and her stomach still swirling in the throes of alcohol-induced nausea.

  Roanna laughed. ‘Oh, you guys are such wimps! Have you ever even been on a roller coaster, Lina?’

  I shook my head. After discovering my fear of heights, I’d stayed well away from them. ‘Nope, and I’m guessing this isn’t the best one to start with.’

  Roanna guffawed, telling me that it most definitely wasn’t. ‘Oh, I do love you, Lina.’

  Too soon, we reached the glass doors that led out to the circular viewing platform.

  The wind hit us the second we were outside, tearing through my hair and ripping past my ears. I started to shake. We ventured around the platform, guarded by rails that in my opinion were too low, and the screams became audible as they travelled to us on the wind.

  I wanted to grab the railings for support, but I didn’t dare reach my hand out, so I wrapped my shaking arms around myself instead, taking nervous steps towards the ride they called X-Scream. Roanna couldn’t stop spinning around, gazing at the view, awed by it, but appreciating my surroundings was the last thing on my mind.

  All I could think about was my fear, so I numbly followed Kit and Roanna to the ride.

  Before I knew it, it was our turn to board. The ride had four rows of two, and the operator assigned us the first two rows with two of us in the front and one in the second.

  ‘Which row do you want, Lina?’ Roanna asked.

  Without hesitating, I said, ‘The front. That’s what he’d have wanted.’ It was the last thing I wanted, but this wasn’t about me.

  Roanna smiled gently, understanding my reasoning.

  ‘I’ll take the second,’ Kit said quickly and sat down in the second row. A giddy, slightly overweight American man slid in the seat next to her. He was middle-aged, and sported a t-shirt proclaiming ‘I Survived X-Scream’. It was apparently not his first time. Kit, however, looked as ghostly white as I felt.

  As sweat beaded on my forehead and clammed up my hands, I sat down in one of the front row seats. Roanna took her place next to me and took my hand in hers.

  I turned to face her, a look of terror in my eyes. I squeezed her hand tight.

  ‘Remember why you’re doing this,’ she said with a soft smile. ‘Maybe it’ll take the edge off.’

  I nodded, swallowing hard. With my free hand, I pulled down the lap bar. It screeched and locked itself into place, trapping us in. I almost let panic engulf me. I almost screamed that I wanted to get off. But I couldn’t, not now, so I bit my lip to stop myself until I drew blood.

  ‘You can do this, Lina,’ a voice said in my head. ‘You’re so much braver than you think.’

  I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath, allowing the words of Imaginary Michael to fill me. I reached up to feel my earring, running the pad of my forefinger over the stone.

  He was with me.

  My husband, my best friend, was with me.

  I could do anything.

  I opened my eyes, took a deep breath, absorbed the immense view, and smiled.

  For Michael.

  And then, a cool American male voice sounded, ‘For your safety, please keep your heads back against the headrest at all times. Smile for the camera! Enjoy the ride!’

  ‘Let’s do this,’ I whispered, and a second later, we were lifted into the air, and propelled headfirst over the highest

  point in Las Vegas.

  I hadn’t expected to love it. I hadn’t even expected to like it, or even tolerate it. I’d expected to scream in fear, to cry, to reluctantly shut my eyes until it was over. But I didn’t.

  Instead, I was in awe. Adrenaline had pulsed through my body, the wind had whistled through my hair and rushed past my skin. I couldn’t believe the magnitude of what I was seeing. The whole of Las Vegas sat beneath us, lights sparkling, the dusky orange sunset reflecting in the shiny buildings. It was beautiful. Astonishing. There was nothing like it. It was completely incomparable. I wanted to freeze the moment, to remember every little detail. The screams of excitement, the cool, refreshing wind, the lights, the colours that leaked from the sky to the lively town below. I could have stayed there forever, at the top of that tower. It was the closest I had felt to Michael since he’d been taken from me. I could see the excitement on his face, hear the laughter tumbling from between his grin, smell his hair as the wind rustled through it.

  When the ride was over, and we climbed out of the coaster, tears spilled from my eyes. Tears of happiness. Tears of sadness. Tears of joy. Tears of loss.

  Michael was gone.

  But he wasn’t, I realised.

  He would never be gone. Not fully.

  He’d be there, in my heart, whenever I needed him.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  13th May 2016

  ‘What about Las Vegas?’ Michael suggested as I returned to the living area with two cups of tea.

  ‘Mmm, I’d love to go one day, but it’s not very romantic,’ I said, scrunching up my nose a little as I passed him a cup of tea and settled myself back on the sofa, resting my head against his shoulder. His dressing gown was soft against my cheek. ‘You just want to ride that bloody death trap of a roller coaster.’

  He laughed. ‘I can’t believe I still haven’t been on it!’ He threw his head back in exaggerated frustration. ‘Would you come on it with me?’

  ‘Erm, if I had to,’ I said, but my palms started to sweat a little just at the thought of it. Michael had shown me videos of the Stratosphere roller coaster on YouTube, and one look was enough to make me feel like I was falling into an infinite black hole never to return.

  ‘You know I wouldn’t make you,’ he said, kissing the top of my head. ‘But if you did, I’d be there to hold your hand the whole way through.’

  I smiled. ‘Well, that twists my arm a bit more.’ I turned to look up at him and then giggled a little. ‘I still can’t get used to you in those glasses.’

  Michael had started wearing glasses a week ago after complaining of eye strain. ‘You don’t think I look like Clark Kent?’

  ‘I think you look better. They make you look sexy,’ I flirted, throwing my legs over his.

  Michael raised his eyebrow and pouted. ‘Oh, really?’

  I burst out laughing, almost spilling my tea over him. ‘Stop it! We need to book something! I’m dying to get away with you. It’s been months since we got married and we still haven’t had our honeymoon.’

  We couldn’t afford anything just after the wedding, and then all our money was spent on Christmas. We’d had a party at ours on Boxing Day and had spent way too much on food and alcohol. It felt like we’d been eating leftovers until Easter.

  ‘What about Venice? Dubrovnik? Paris?’ I mused, picturing Michael and me in each of those places, taking in the sights of the Eiffel Tower, enjoying a moonlit walk through the walled city of Dubrovnik, or relaxing on a romantic boat ride in Venice.

  Michael sighed. ‘How on earth are we going to pick somewhere?’

  A couple of days later I started to panic.

  My period was late.

  I�
��d been a couple of days late before, or even a couple of days early, but it had been over a week now. I hadn’t told Michael. I didn’t want to tell him until I knew for sure. Until I knew how I felt. I’d always wanted a baby with Michael, but so soon after the wedding? We hadn’t even been married a year yet, and I wanted some time just to enjoy being his wife, to go travelling maybe.

  But I couldn’t ignore the fact that I might have our child growing inside me, so on the way to brunch with Roanna and Kit, I picked up a couple of pregnancy tests from Boots and shoved them to the bottom of my bag.

  My bag felt heavier with them in there. One minute, I felt ecstatic at the thought of raising a child with Michael. The next I felt terrified, that it was too soon, that I wasn’t ready.

  ‘Where’s Kit?’ I asked Roanna as I sat down. Her bag was on the chair opposite mine, but I couldn’t see her anywhere. A glass of freshly squeezed orange juice was already sat waiting for me.

  ‘She’s in the toilets. She wasn’t feeling very well,’ Roanna replied, scrunching up her nose. ‘I bet she ate too much Mexican food again,’ she added with a laugh. ‘How are you anyway?’

  I opened my mouth to speak but stopped myself when I realised I was about to blab that I thought I might be pregnant. I tried again. ‘Good. Michael and I have narrowed our honeymoon down to two destinations. Dubrovnik or Venice.’

  ‘Oooh wow. I loved both of them when I went,’ Roanna said brightly.

  I frowned. ‘I didn’t know you’d been to Venice?’ Roanna was pretty well travelled after her gap year, but Venice was one of the cities she hadn’t visited then.

  ‘Hey, Lina,’ Kit said quietly as she appeared at the table. Her face was shiny, her tired eyes were ringed with black, and one of them looked a little bloodshot.

  ‘Oh, Jesus, are you okay?’ I asked as she slowly sat down. She looked awful.

  But she nodded with a brave smile. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just one of the symptoms…’ she trailed off, looking at us both with a raised brow. Despite how tired she was, her eyes looked happy.

  Roanna and I looked at each other with a frown. We realised what was happening at the same time and gasped.