All I Have Left of You

by Laura Daniels

  ‘What did Michael say?’ I asked.

  ‘He told me I was just scared. Asked me if I loved Pete; if I could picture a world without him. And then he told me he’d rather live in a box with you and never leave it than see the whole world and never see you again. He said he’d seen the world because you were his world. And then I realised Pete was my world too, and that we could see the world together if we wanted to. I didn’t have to choose.’ She finished with a smile, but her eyes were shining with tears.

  ‘Do you regret marrying Pete now?’ I asked delicately, banking away Michael’s sweet words to remember later that night.

  She shook her head, still smiling, and wiped away her

  tears with the soft sleeve of her robe. ‘I wouldn’t have my gorgeous boys if I hadn’t.’

  ‘What are you going to do when you get back?’

  ‘I love Pete. I do,’ she said. More tears leaked from her eyes.

  ‘That wasn’t an answer,’ I said softly.

  ‘He’s my world, Lina,’ she said, starting to sob. ‘Just like you were Michael’s. But he slept with someone else, and so did I. How do we come back from that?’

  I dreamt of Michael that night.

  It was so vivid. So real.

  We were at home, eating risotto on the balcony in the warm glow of the setting sun. We’d just got back from a holiday in Las Vegas, and Michael had been telling me how much he’d loved X-Scream. In the dream we’d been on it together, we’d had our arms in the air, our hands tightly linked the whole time. I’d been terrified, but Michael had been there for me and had treated me to a fancy dinner afterwards to thank me for going on with him.

  ‘You were so brave, Lina,’ he said as he took a sip of his beer.

  I laughed. ‘You call it brave. I call it stupid.’

  Michael chuckled. ‘Admit it, you loved it.’

  I smiled. ‘Fine, I did. To be fair, just seeing how excited you were made it for me.’

  ‘Seeing your terrified face on the way up made it for me,’ he joked.

  I tossed a piece of French bread at him. ‘Wanker,’ I laughed.

  He dodged out of the way, and the bread flew onto our neighbour’s balcony.

  We looked at each other shocked for a second, and then we burst into fits of laughter.

  Michael threw a pillow at my head, and suddenly, my eyes opened, and I wasn’t on our balcony anymore.

  I was in a cold, air-conditioned, bright white hotel room that smelled like lemons. Roanna was looking down at me, a toothbrush hanging out of her mouth.

  I looked at the pillow that rested on my chest. ‘Did you hit me with that?’

  Roanna nodded. ‘You were laughing hysterically,’ she said in a muffled voice as she brushed her teeth.

  ‘Good dream?’ Kit asked. She stood in front of the mirror by the window, plaiting her hair.

  I sat up slowly and nodded. ‘Yeah, it was,’ I replied, and gave Roanna’s back a cold glare as she headed back into the bathroom.

  ‘We have to leave in half an hour,’ Kit said, seemingly

  defending Roanna’s decision to wake me with the offending pillow.

  ‘What? What time is it?’ I reached across to the bedside table for my phone. It was ten-forty-seven. Our boat left at eleven thirty, and it took about fifteen minutes to get there, so we actually had to leave in less than half an hour. ‘Oh, crap!’

  I had the quickest shower and then threw on a black bikini underneath a white t-shirt and a pair of denim shorts. Looking out of the window as I hurriedly packed a bag, I was happy to see that nothing surrounded the golden sun but bright blue. There appeared to be no evidence of yesterday’s angry clouds; there weren’t even any puddles, and for a moment, I had to wonder if I’d imagined the whole black storm.

  Miami looked beautiful in the sun. The beach was full already, people basking on the soft, yellow sand, playing and laughing in the crystal blue waves of the ocean. The brightly coloured buildings looked vibrant, instead of garish, and the brilliant green leaves of the palm trees swayed in a gentle, unseen breeze.

  ‘Now this is the Florida I wanted to see,’ Roanna said with a smile as we walked along the beach front to look for a taxi. It would have been nice to walk, but we’d left it a bit late for that. I hadn’t even had time for a proper breakfast and had wolfed down a cereal bar in the hotel lift.

  ‘Absolutely,’ Kit agreed, digging her hand in her beach bag to pull out her sunglasses.

  It took almost no time to get a taxi, and within about twelve minutes, we’d arrived at our destination. Beach Shark Tours.

  We paid the cheerful taxi driver and climbed out onto the dock where we were greeted by a sign depicting a happy, cartoon shark reading, ‘Welcome to Beach Shark Tours.’

  There was an admissions booth just ahead, so with a lump of fear resting in my belly, I willed myself towards it, the girls in tow. ‘Hi, my name is Elina Mills. We have a tour booked at midday.’ My voice shook. I could no longer distract myself from what we were about to do.

  The man in the booth smiled. He had tanned skin, shaggy, sun-bleached hair, and wore a light green shirt that was covered in pineapples and coconuts. ‘Excellent.’ He picked up a clipboard and scanned it. ‘Ah-ha. Three of you, right?’

  ‘Yes.’ I nodded.

  He grinned and ticked us off the list.

  ‘Now, don’t be nervous, okay?’ he said happily, obviously reading my mind. ‘This tour will be one of the most exciting things you’ll do out here. Now, I’m going to give each of you a blue wristband and then you’ll need to head over to my friend Doug by the boat, okay?’

  I took a wristband and looked to where Doug stood. He was tall and lanky with dark brown hair that he’d tied back in a ponytail. He was standing with a young couple, and the girl looked just as nervous as I felt.

  Once we had our wristbands on, we headed across to Doug and the young couple, and I could feel my legs shaking like jelly with every step.

  ‘Ah, you must be the rest of the group,’ Doug said with a Southern drawl when we reached them.

  ‘Yep,’ Roanna said excitedly. How was it that nothing scared her?

  Kit and I probably looked paler than Casper the friendly ghost, and my fear only increased when Doug handed us each a waiver to sign.

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a few seconds. I thought about how thrilled Michael would be, about how his grin would no doubt get me excited too. And so, opening my eyes, I picked up a pen with a trembling hand and I signed the damned waiver.

  Before we boarded the boat, Doug provided us with all the equipment we’d need for the excursion, and seeing it up close made me panic. I’d never even been snorkelling before.

  We were each given a wetsuit and a snorkel, and then he told us all about the cage in which we’d be enclosed. It was eight feet high and four feet wide, designed for two divers at a time, and allowed for three-hundred-and-sixty-degree views of the endless ocean. He reassured us that the cage was designed for maximum strength to ensure our complete safety and that the cage would float right next to the boat to allow for easy access in and out at our leisure.

  Knowing that I wouldn’t be in there on my own and that I could get out whenever I wanted eased my panic somewhat, and a very tiny spark of excitement pinched my insides. I would never have dreamed of doing something like this, and yet there I was, in a wetsuit with a snorkel and mask fixed tightly in my hands. Definitely something to go in my blog when I got home.

  We were on the boat for roughly an hour before we reached the waters that were home to several species of sharks. Doug had told us what sharks we could expect to see. To Roanna’s dismay, there’d be no Great Whites, but we would likely see Tiger sharks, Bull sharks, Lemon sharks, Hammerhead sharks, Black Tip sharks, and Mako sharks. I’d never even heard of some of them! He informed us of the different ways in which we could identify what we saw, for example, a Tiger shark would be heavy bodied, with stripes down its sides and fins. The Tiger shark was apparentl
y mostly cautious of the cage, but he’d said some could be bold. The Bull shark, we were told, was one of the most aggressive species of sharks and could often be found in packs.

  To guarantee a sighting, Doug used bait to attract the sharks, tossing dead fish parts into the water. I suddenly had visions of sharks hurling themselves at the cage and had to force back a shudder of terror.

  We’d spent the hour chatting with Doug and his crewmate, Dante, and getting to know the young couple. The couple were from Georgia, and they’d come to Florida on their honeymoon. They’d spent a week at Walt Disney World before heading down to Miami. I found myself wondering if I’d rather that had been on Michael’s bucket list; meeting Donald Duck didn’t seem quite as frightening as coming face to face with the razor-sharp teeth of a Bull shark.

  ‘I promised I’d do this if he agreed to wear the bride and groom Mickey and Minnie ears,’ the girl, Ali, said with a nervous laugh.

  ‘That’s a good deal, I suppose,’ I said with a laugh. Although I wasn’t sure it was. Mickey Mouse ears were far less likely to kill you.

  ‘I’ve been dying to do this since I was a kid,’ the guy, Lucas, said, grinning from ear to ear with excitement.

  ‘It’s all he’s talked about for years,’ Ali said, light-heartedly rolling her eyes.

  Doug and Dante had been doing this tour for three years and had done a stint in Mexico for five beforehand. They were both experienced scuba divers and came out here five times a week with tourists. Talking with them made the time pass quicker, and the laughter and banter aboard the boat temporarily calmed my nerves.

  But they crept back all too quickly when the boat anchored, and the cage was lowered into the water until it was floating just beneath the surface. Doug opened the box of dead fish parts. The smell was rancid, and I covered my nose with both hands as he tossed them into the water.

  Dante clapped his hands together excitedly as I paled. ‘Okay, let’s get started.’

  All I could hear was my own breath echoing through the snorkel. In and out. In and out, the quiet, deep blue wrapping coolly around my body as I stared at the vast ocean before me. I swallowed a lump of fear, and the taste of disinfectant from the snorkel was potent on my tongue and in the back of my throat. I winced.

  Roanna and I stood still in the cage in our black wetsuits

  waiting for something to appear out of the blue. Despite my fear, after a few moments, I found it strangely soothing submerged beneath the surface, and in a way, I wished that Roanna wasn’t in there with me. I wished I was alone. Just me and the open, endless sea.

  I looked all around me but saw nothing, nothing but the dead fish guts that lingered around the cage. Not a single shark had been drawn to them yet, but then again, we’d only descended into the cage mere minutes ago. It felt like longer. Hours, maybe. A part of me was relieved by the absence of sharks, while the other was bitterly disappointed. I hadn’t psyched myself up for nothing, and I didn’t want to let Michael down.

  Impatient, I glanced frantically around, and suddenly, I caught the shape of something coming closer to us. Fast. Roanna tapped my arm and pointed her index finger in the direction of the looming silhouette.

  The shape came closer, and a huge fin came into view along with the rest of the shark's large body. Like Doug had said, it approached the cage with some caution and slowed a little as it reached us. Stripes covered its sides and fins, telling me it was a Tiger shark, one of the largest predatory fish in the ocean. My breaths quickened in my head, and my pulse raced as it edged closer and closer, scrutinising us with its big, black vacuous eyes.

  Instinct told me to move back, and I very nearly did. But I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want it to become aggressive. The gaps between the bars suddenly looked huge and penetrable, despite rationality telling me they were actually very small, and that a shark would have a tough time trying to swim through them, let alone smash them into pieces quicker than I could ascend back to the boat.

  So, taking yet another deep breath, I stayed as still and as calm as I could and took everything in, preserving every memory for Michael.

  It can’t get to us, I reminded myself, as I stared at its open mouth. Large, razor-sharp teeth looked back at me. Only a metal cage stood between this predator and us.

  It was… astonishing. I’d only ever seen such a thing on David Attenborough documentaries, and seeing it in person was just… indescribable. Fear paralysed me. Yet at the same time, I was in awe, amazed, taken so abruptly by the wonder before me.

  I studied the shark, its stripes, its dark grey skin against the deep blue. I could see remnants of dead fish on its teeth, reminding me of nature’s cruel but beautiful way. I’d never seen anything like it, and I doubted I ever would again.

  I had to record everything in my mind so I would never

  forget this moment. I had to remember how it felt.

  ‘I wish you could see this, Michael,’ I thought, ‘this is amazing.’

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  1st June 2016

  ‘I can’t believe I’m going to be an aunt!’ Genevieve said excitedly. ‘And you’re going to be a mum!’

  ‘I know. It’s mad. A week ago I was planning my honeymoon, and now I can’t stop thinking about making the spare room into a nursery,’ I said, taking a sip of my fruit tea. I’d sworn off caffeine since I’d done the test a couple of weeks ago. Call me cautious, but I didn’t want anything to spoil this.

  ‘Get started! Nine months is going to go really quick!’ she said urgently.

  We were sat in the living room of our apartment. Michael was out with Max having some guy time, so I’d asked Genevieve if she wanted to come over for a cup of tea and some shortbread biscuits I’d made that morning.

  Ever since she’d moved back up north after Jez had gone to prison, she’d been doing well, and I’d started to see a lot more of her. She’d lived with her parents for a few months at first, but once she’d got a job as a bar manager, she was able to get a small apartment in the city. She had a roommate that she didn’t particularly get along with, but she worked for British Airways as a flight attendant and was hardly ever there.

  ‘Have you thought about names yet? I like Lyla for a girl!’ she said brightly.

  ‘Slow down!’ I laughed. ‘Michael likes Anna, though,’ I admitted.

  ‘Oh, it’s just too exciting!’

  We didn’t even know how far along I was yet, so we hadn’t planned on telling anybody. I’d told Kit and Roanna because they knew about the test, but we’d wanted to keep it a secret until our scan when we knew everything was okay. Genevieve had found out an hour earlier after hearing Michael and me whispering about something in the kitchen. We should have been more careful.

  ‘I know, but I just don’t want to jinx anything! It’s still so early,’ I reminded her. ‘You can’t tell your mum and dad, okay? We’re waiting for our first scan before we tell anyone else.’

  She nodded and took another gulp of tea, reaching to the coffee table for another shortbread biscuit. I think she was on her fifth. They were delicious, though. I’d made them with orange peel and dark chocolate chips and had topped them with more dark chocolate. ‘Of course,’ she said in between chews. ‘It makes me feel special to be one of the only ones to know,’ she said happily, once she’d swallowed. She had a bit of chocolate on the corner of her mouth.

  ‘Hopefully, it won’t be much longer. I’m hoping I’m already nine or ten weeks. We have an appointment at the doctor’s tomorrow so we’ll find out then,’ I told her.

  ‘Have you had morning sickness?’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah, I’ve had a bad few days actually. Today is the first day I’ve had the energy to do anything. I’ve been really dizzy too, and my boobs are killing!’

  Genevieve winced a little. ‘Ouch. Is all of that normal?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said with a shrug, but her question niggled something at the back of my mind. ‘My friend Kit has terrible morning sickness too. She’s at fou
rteen weeks already. I guess some women get it worse than others. I think it happened to Kate Middleton,’ I said, reassuring myself that it was fine.

  Genevieve nodded. ‘Oh, yeah, I think I remember. I think one of our waitresses had it bad for almost her entire pregnancy now you mention it.’ She paused for a moment. ‘So, do you want a boy or a girl?’

  I smiled again. ‘I don’t know. I’ve always wanted a little girl, but a baby boy that looks just like Michael would be wonderful. Although, as long as it’s healthy, I don’t care.’

  We sat in the waiting room quietly, holding hands.

  I watched in amazement as twin girls played on the floor with some building blocks. They looked about eighteen months. Their mum looked about seven months pregnant with a third child, and despite how tired she looked, she seemed happy. Behind the dark circles that ringed her eyes, and the messy ponytail she’d been forced to shove her hair into, she looked nothing but content. Nothing but pride and love beamed from her eyes. Already, I understood her. I felt exhausted from being up all night. I hadn’t slept properly in days thanks to the severe sickness I’d had, but I was nothing but excited, nothing but head-over-heels in love with our baby.

  The young woman passed the girls more blocks, and ‘oooh’ed and ‘ahh’ed at the construction they were building. It looked like it was going to be a castle of some kind.

  ‘Can you imagine if it’s twins?’ Michael said with a smile. I turned to face him, and his eyes were fixed on the girls too.

  ‘God, that would be amazing. Hard, but amazing,’ I said softly. His eyes flicked in my direction. ‘You’re going to be an amazing dad.’

  Michael squeezed my hand and beamed. ‘You’re going to be the best mum ever, Elina. I think the baby will have your eyes.’