My parents were having a Christmas Eve party, and dep-
-ending on the success of this one, it was something they wanted to do every year. Lydia and Dave were there, as were Kit, Pete and the boys, Roanna and Max. Everyone I loved. Even Genevieve had decided to come home for Christmas.
‘Sorry, Dad! I left my wrapping a bit last minute and underestimated how long it would take,’ I told him as I shrugged out of my coat and scarf. ‘So please, please, don’t think my shoddy wrapping is a reflection of how much I love you because I had to rush a bit.’
Dad laughed. ‘Go in, grab a drink and some food. I’ll nip your case upstairs!’
I headed into the kitchen where Mum was standing with Lydia, chatting over glasses of white wine.
‘Lina, darling, let me get you a drink,’ Lydia said as I approached them and gave them each a hug.
‘Nothing alcoholic. Do you have any Shloer, Mum?’ I asked.
Mum frowned and headed to the pantry. ‘I think I might have bought a bottle for tomorrow in case your grandma doesn’t want a drink. Not fancying a drink tonight, love? It’s Christmas Eve.’
I shook my head. ‘No thanks. I’ve decided to stop drinking for a while.’
‘Smart idea,’ Lydia said. ‘What’s made you decide that?’
I smiled, and a flicker of excitement fluttered around my belly. ‘We should wait for Dad. Gather everyone in the lounge. There’s something I want to tell you all.’
Mum and Lydia shot me strange looks.
Minutes later, once everyone was gathered in the lounge and I had a glass of Shloer in my hand, I pinged a fork against my glass. Everyone turned to face me, and the lull of conversation stopped. ‘Hi,’ I said shyly. ‘I just wanted to make a quick announcement before you all become too drunk to comprehend what I’m saying.’ Laughter sprinkled across the room. ‘As you all know, it’s been two years since we said goodbye to Michael, and to be honest, I’d been worried that this time of year would only remind me of the pain of losing him. I know it’s on all our minds, and it probably will be every Christmas. But tonight I have something to tell you that might make us a bit happier.’ Everyone looked at me with kind, inquisitive eyes. ‘Before Michael died, you all know he had cancer for a short while. We were lucky that he survived and after treatment, he completely recovered. But what we never mentioned to some of you was that we froze some of Michael’s sperm in case the treatment caused him to become infertile.’ I paused for breath. I was speaking fast as usual, anxious to get the words out. Faces looked at me, some confused, others with delighted realisation. ‘You all also know that I’ve spent a lot of this year completing a bucket list that Michael never got to complete when he was alive. Lydia and I went to the Opera in London, Kit and Roanna came with me to America to ride one of the tallest roller coasters in the world, and to swim with sharks, and Dave, Max and I are going to climb Mont Blanc together in the near future. But there was something else on Michael’s list. Michael wanted to raise a child with me.’ A sob got stuck in my throat. I looked around the room. Lydia and Dave looked close to tears, as did my own parents. ‘In September, I made the arrangements to have Michael’s baby with the sperm we froze.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I’m three months pregnant. I’m having our child. Just like he always wanted.’
Chapter Thirty-Eight
July 2021
We were in the middle of a heatwave, and as I walked the pavements of Manchester, I fought the urge to rip off my dress and pour my bottle of water over my head. I could feel my makeup melting on my face, and droplets of sweat trickled down my neck and stuck to my back.
As uncomfortable as I was, however, I didn’t want it to end. I wasn’t one of those Brits that moaned whatever the weather. I hadn’t been abroad since our trip to America, and it was nice to be able to pretend I was in a different country for a few days, so I was both surprised and a little disappointed when I reached our usual restaurant to find Roanna and Kit hadn’t got us a table outside.
The air con blasted me as I pushed open the door and the little bell rang. The place swam in yellow sunlight thanks to the huge windows and peach and lemon décor. I glanced around the room and spotted my friends sitting at a table near the back. It was busy; the sun had forced everyone out of their houses in search of fresh, warm air to cleanse their lungs with.
‘Why didn’t you get a table outside?’ I asked when I reached them.
They’d ordered us all iced coffees, and I drank about half
of mine the second my bum touched the seat.
Roanna burst out laughing, and Kit shot me a look as sharp as a dagger.
‘In case you’d forgotten, I’m six months pregnant, and this heatwave is killing me!’ Kit snapped.
‘And I’m guessing you just had the same conversation with Roanna?’ I said with a knowing smile.
Roanna nodded.
‘Yes, now let’s order before this baby starts eating my insides for lack of food,’ Kit said desperately.
‘I’m sure Molly is fine eating that pastry you were devouring on the way in.’ Roanna winked at her, and Kit scowled in response.
‘You’re still having a hard time?’ I asked, putting the jokes aside.
Kit nodded, and her eyes gave way to her tiredness. ‘I don’t know how I’m going to cope with this for three more months. I think I slept for a grand total of thirty-seven minutes last night. She just won’t stop wiggling.’
‘I remember that when I was pregnant with Anna. It was awful. So annoying,’ I said in empathy. But the truth was, I’d secretly liked the sleepless nights. I’d loved feeling our daughter wriggling in my belly, a piece of Michael alive inside me. ‘I can’t believe she’s already one! Where did that go? She’s like a tiny actual person now!’
The past year had flown by, and my daughter’s first birthday was last month. She looked so much like the dad she’d never meet. She had his big brown eyes, his curly brown hair, his smile. The only thing she got from me was her nose. I’d seen women complain before, that they spend nine months carrying their baby only to have them come out looking like their dad. Every single day of my pregnancy I wished so hard that she’d look like Michael. On occasion, I’d wake up sobbing from nightmares in which she’d looked too much like me and not enough like Michael. It was silly, really, as long as she was happy and healthy, I shouldn’t have cared. But I just needed to see a part of my husband again.
I talked about him all the time to her. I’d tell her he was a hero, who’d given his life to protect his sister, I’d show her pictures of him and she’d started to recognise him as ‘dada’. It both warmed and broke my heart.
‘Oh, that reminds me!’ Roanna said, digging into her bag and pulling out a smaller gift bag. She handed it across the table to me. ‘I saw this in Berlin, and I couldn’t resist!’
‘Aww, thanks. You didn’t have to,’ I said, digging into the bag past the sheets of red tissue paper.
‘Think of it as an extra birthday present,’ replied Roanna with a grin.
I smiled and pulled out a tiny white t-shirt reading, ‘I ‘he-
-art’ Berlin’. ‘Oh, that is so cute! I can’t wait to dress her in it! Thank you, Ro. That’s really sweet.’
Roanna beamed.
‘How was your trip to Berlin?’ Kit asked. Roanna had returned from Germany last week.
Roanna beamed again, but this time it was brighter, in a way I’d seen only once before. ‘It was fabulous, actually. I…erm… I met someone.’
My brows raised. She’d been on dates with a string of men over the past few months, but none had made her blue eyes sparkle quite as they did now. ‘Wow!’
‘What’s he like? Is he sweet? Is he kind?’ Kit asked eagerly.
I laughed. ‘Let’s ask the question she cares the most about first; how big is it?’ I joked.
Roanna laughed and shook her head, but she didn’t answer, suddenly coy.
‘What’s his name? Is he German?’ Kit pushed on.
Roanna smiled
. ‘She is German, yes.’
Kit and I exchanged shocked glances.
Roanna laughed.
‘But you love… willies,’ I said, slightly taken aback. I’d never known anyone talk about male genitalia as much as Roanna and now she was with a woman!
Roanna laughed again. ‘It’s not what you’ve got; it’s wh-
-at you do with it,’ she said with a wink.
‘Wow,’ I said, ‘so how did you meet?’
‘Well, it’s actually a funny story,’ she started. Her eyes were glistening, lighting her face aglow. ‘I was at this prestigious Goth-techno club called Berghain just between the borders of Kreuzberg and Friedrichshain. I’d spent about two hours waiting to get in, and the second I walked through the door, I locked eyes with a gorgeous German Goth. He had dark eyes, long black hair, and the muscles beneath his black t-shirt made my mouth water-’
‘This guy turned out to be a woman?’ Kit exclaimed, interrupting.
Roanna laughed. ‘No. He was all man. I was dancing with him all night, and when he invited me back to his, I practically skipped away with him. But on our way out, he spotted Mila and asked me if we could take her back with us too. I was drunk, so I said yes. She was gorgeous, with icy blonde hair, icy blue eyes, and cheekbones to die for. I was mesmerised by her. And that was it. The two of us spent the rest of my trip together, and she’s coming to stay with me next weekend.’
‘Wow,’ I breathed. I was stunned. But I could see how happy Roanna was. None of the men she’d dated over the past few months had come close to making her smile like that.
‘So, you’re a lesbian now?’ Kit asked, a little confused.
Roanna shook her head and gave a sultry smile. ‘I still like men. And so does Mila. This is going to be fun.’
‘Well, we can’t wait to meet her,’ I said, very curious to meet the woman who’d given my friend those doe eyes.
‘You can meet her next weekend; she’s a model, so she has some shoots to do, but once she’s done we can all go out for drinks,’ Roanna said, excitement bouncing off her words.
‘Wow, would we have seen her in anything?’ Kit questioned.
‘Oh, maybe!’ Roanna reached into her bag and pulled out a magazine. She flipped through the pages and stopped on a perfume advert. ‘There she is!’ She handed the magazine across to us.
‘Oh, she’s gorgeous!’ I said as I looked at the picture. In the photo, she wore nothing but gold paint as she held a bottle of perfume in her hand. The paint was dripping over one side of her face and all over her body, revealing just patches of skin on her toned legs and stomach. Her blue eyes stared straight into the camera, oblivious to the paint that was about to blind her, and her lips were just slightly parted.
‘Oh, yeah. She’s stunning, Ro,’ Kit approved.
Roanna sighed, and took back the magazine, lingering on
the image for a while before putting it back in her bag.
‘I’m so happy for you, Ro,’ I said genuinely. ‘You deserve a bit of romance at last.’
‘Thanks, Lina. But what about you?’
My brows knitted together. ‘What about me?’
‘Don’t you deserve a bit of romance?’ Roanna said gently.
I smiled. ‘I’ve had my big love story. In fact, it isn’t over yet.’
Kit and Roanna looked puzzled.
‘I’m starting my climbing lessons this afternoon. Max has booked me in with one of his colleagues. I’m finally going to finish Michael’s bucket list. I’m going to climb Mont Blanc,’ I told them excitedly.
Max had started working at a climbing centre a few months ago. He didn’t live too far from me with his fiancé, Olivia, and we saw each other a few times a week. I’d wanted him to be my climbing instructor, but he’d suggested a colleague who had done the Mont Blanc climb twice before.
‘That’s brilliant. Michael would be so happy. But I think he’d also be happy if you found love,’ Roanna insisted.
‘I have Anna. For now, that’s all the love I need,’ I told them.
‘I don’t know,’ Kit said with a smile. ‘I have a feeling th-
-ings might change.’
*
I arrived at my climbing lesson with a beating heart and sweaty palms. I hadn’t even attempted to climb anything other than stairs since Year Eight. I hadn’t really known what to wear, so I’d just thrown on a pair of leggings and a Bayside Tigers t-shirt with my white converse trainers.
I looked up at the high climbing walls, and I suddenly felt dizzy. They were so high up. I didn’t know how people did it. Since starting Michael’s bucket list, I’d more or less conquered my fear of heights, but that didn’t include climbing said heights myself with only a bit of rope to stop me from falling.
‘Lina!’ Max’s voice snapped me from my daze.
‘Max,’ I breathed, noting my mouth was dry. I didn’t look at him, though. I continued to stare at the heights of the climbing walls and wondered if the crashmats below would be enough to stop me from breaking my neck if I fell. Worse, there wouldn’t be anything to stop me breaking my neck on Mont Blanc. I swallowed and finally turned to face Max. ‘Am I doing the right thing, Max? Michael wouldn’t want me to plummet to my death, would he?’
Max laughed. ‘No. He wouldn’t. He’d want you to do whatever you were comfortable with. I have the best guy to train you, though. Maybe have one lesson, see how it feels,’ he suggested comfortingly.
‘Yeah,’ I breathed. ‘See how it feels.’
I turned to look back at the walls, and somehow, I managed to trip over my own feet and fall.
I let out a pathetic yelp, but before I made contact with the floor, strong hands caught me.
I looked up at my saviour and my breath caught in my throat. Kind, blue eyes stared down at me.
‘That was close,’ the man said softly. His voice was deep, rich.
I nodded. ‘Yeah,’ I agreed. I couldn’t think of anything else to say. All I could do was stare at this man. He had long, blonde hair that was tied back in a loose ponytail, and a few days’ worth of light stubble sprinkled his strong jaw. Muscles rippled beneath his black t-shirt, and he smelled like pinewood. My first thought was that he reminded me of my favourite Avenger, Thor.
I heard Max laugh behind us. ‘Elina, meet your trainer,’ he said. ‘This is Caleb.’
Caleb grinned down at me, and my heart did something it hadn’t done for a long, long while.
It skipped a beat.
‘Hi,’ I said with a small smile, ‘I’m Elina.’
Chapter Thirty-Nine
September 2021
‘Helloooo,’ my mum’s voice followed the sound of my front door opening and closing.
‘Hi, Mum! We’re in here!’ I called out from my bedroom. Anna sat on the floor in front of me, playing with some of her building blocks while I stood before the mirror, wondering if I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. Indie dozed on the bed.
Mum appeared from behind the door. ‘Oh, Lina, you look gorgeous. I love the hair! You’ve had a fringe put back in!’
‘Thanks,’ I said, distracted.
Mum noticed my dampened mood straight away. ‘What is it, love?’
I reached down to pick up Anna. She immediately threw her chubby arms around my neck and made a happy sound. ‘Do you really need to ask?’ I said quietly, as I bounced my daughter up and down.
Mum pursed her lips. ‘Your first date after Michael was always going to be hard. I’d be more concerned if you weren’t nervous.’
‘Am I doing the right thing?’ I asked, worried, in dire need of my mum’s reassurance.
Mum smiled. ‘Do you like this man?’
I nodded. ‘I do. I like him a lot, actually.’ In fact, I’d had two climbing lessons a week since July, and when our sessions were over, my heart sank, and I yearned for the next one as soon as I’d left the building.
‘Then, how can you not be doing the right thing?’ Mum asked as she sat down on my bed.
I sat with her, bouncing Anna up and down on my knee. She giggled, so blissfully unaware of the complexity of the situation.
‘I haven’t even finished Michael’s bucket list yet. How can I start something with someone else when I’m still grieving?’ I asked. I was so confused. I wanted so badly to go on this date with Caleb, but a huge part of me felt like I was cheating on Michael still.
‘I’m afraid I can’t tell you what to do with this one, Lina. Only you know the answer. Do what feels right,’ Mum said softly.
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I smiled. I looked down at Anna. ‘What do you think, sweetheart? Do you think it’s a good idea?’
Anna laughed and giggled. ‘Mama, smile,’ she said in her cute little way. She didn’t know many words, but I was glad that she knew those.
I laughed and tickled her belly. ‘Mama smile, Anna smile.’
She giggled and shoved her fingers in her mouth.
I turned to my mum. ‘I’ll order my Uber.’
She beamed. ‘That’s my girl. Now, do you want to come to Grandma, sweetheart?’ she said to Anna. Anna nodded eagerly and held out her sloppy hands to my mum. I gently passed her over and got to my feet to give myself one last look in the mirror.
‘And you’re sure the black is okay? It’s not too drab for a first date?’ I’d chosen a little black dress with thin straps. The material came down just above my knee, and I’d teamed it with some heeled sandals with straps that snaked around my ankles.
‘It’s very classy,’ Mum commented. ‘What bag are you taking?’
I pointed to the bed. ‘It’s just behind you.’
With one hand firmly on Anna, she reached behind her and looked inside the unzipped bag. And then she pulled something out and cleared her throat.
I winced. ‘It’s for him. He’s never read it,’ I lied.
She raised her brows. ‘You’re lending your date Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets?’
‘Y-yes,’ I lied once more. I’d been reading them to Anna in an evening. I knew she wouldn’t remember it, but I skipped anything that might be too scary just in case she did. But really, it was for me. I hadn’t read them all in years.
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