Villa of Sun and Secrets

by Jennifer Bohnet

  She came to with a start as Bruno’s hand covered hers on the table and he asked anxiously. ‘Carla? Are you well? You’ve gone very pale.’

  Carla managed a reassuring smile. ‘Not sure why because I’m fine. This looks delicious,’ she said, looking at her starter of scallops in a rich creamy sauce and picking up her cutlery.

  Bruno studied her for a few seconds before saying, ‘Bon appétit,’ and doing the same. For a few moments they both ate their food in silence before Bruno said, ‘Now you know how I found you, can I assure you it wasn’t just because of the connection between your aunt and my uncle that I wanted to see you again. I’d like us to be friends.’

  Carla smiled at him. ‘I think we are already are, aren’t we?’ She kept the thought, even if we do inhabit vastly different worlds, to herself. Bruno was excellent company and she was enjoying her glimpse into his privileged world.

  By the end of the evening, she’d managed to put all thoughts of Josette and the impending conversation about family dynamics out of her mind.

  After the meal, Bruno suggested a walk along the beach. When he reached for her hand as they strolled along, Carla happily left her hand entwined with his. It was nearing midnight before he drove her home and parked in the driveway under the main outside light that Joel had thoughtfully left switched on.

  ‘Thank you for a lovely evening,’ she said.

  ‘My pleasure. We will do it again soon,’ Bruno said. ‘Next week?’

  Carla smiled as she shook her head. ‘I’m a bit busy next week. I’m planning a small party soon – maybe you’d like to come? I’ll phone you nearer the date, shall I?’

  He leant across and kissed her cheek. ‘I look forward to it.’

  As she went indoors Carla heard Joel’s bedroom door closing. He was normally in bed by ten because of early starts. Had he been waiting up for her to be safely home? If so, why hadn’t he called out goodnight?

  30

  Carla wandered through the market a day later, trying to get her thoughts and the questions she needed to ask Josette into some sort of order. And trying to convince herself that today was a good day to go and talk to her.

  Not yet eight o’clock, the market was quiet with some stallholders still setting up. Carla bought a couple of pains au chocolat and croissants from the boulangerie for breakfast as Josette would hopefully offer her coffee. Near the boulangerie, the florist was busy unloading her van of flowers bought earlier from the large Nice flower market along the coast. Carla stood watching for a moment as lots of different coloured roses, lilies, daisies, freesias and sunflowers were grouped together on the trestle table. Sunflowers. One of Josette’s favourite flowers.

  Five minutes later, Carla was standing in front of Josette’s front door, clutching a bunch of sunflowers and waiting with trepidation for her knock to be answered. As the door opened, Carla thrust the flowers towards Josette. ‘These are for you. May we talk? I’ve brought breakfast.’

  Josette nodded. ‘That would be good. Thank you for the flowers.’

  ‘I’ll put the croissants on a plate shall I, while you make coffee?’ Carla said. Fetching the plates, she cast a surreptitious look at her aunt, trying to gauge the kind of mood she was in. Impossible to tell, but she could see that Josette looked tired, with bags under her eyes.

  ‘How are you?’ Carla asked quietly.

  Josette shrugged her shoulders. ‘Ça va. Been better. Lots on my mind.’

  ‘Same here. I’ve not been sleeping well either,’ Carla said.

  In the deepening silence between the two of them, Josette poured the coffee and pushed a cup towards Carla. For several moments both women sat and sipped their coffee, deep in their own thoughts, neither willing to be the one to start the difficult conversation they both knew had to be faced. In the end it was Carla who took a deep breath and spoke.

  ‘I had dinner with Bruno the other evening. He told me the letter I delivered to you last week was from his Uncle Mario, an old friend of yours apparently, hoping to catch up with you now you’re back in Antibes. He was saying you hadn’t replied yet?’

  Startled, Josette shook her head. ‘No. I will reply when… when things are sorted.’

  ‘Would those “things” you say you want sorted include my illegitimacy?’ Carla said. ‘I’ve been in turmoil ever since your birthday. Dazed, shocked, angry, with so many questions I need answered. The obvious first question being – why break your silence of fifty years and tell me you are my mother now?’

  Josette regarded her steadily. ‘Because you are living here and for the first time ever our lives are becoming entwined. And because Amelia is no longer alive to be hurt by learning the whole truth. I want our relationship to be based on honesty. I want people to know our true connection is as mother and daughter. Even if you decide, now I’ve told you the truth, you cannot forgive me and no longer want me in your life, I want to be able to say to people, yes, I have a daughter.’

  ‘A daughter you got by betraying your own sister,’ Carla said.

  ‘I didn’t think of it as betraying anyone. I thought I was helping my beloved sister’s husband to recover after a tragedy.’

  Carla caught her breath. ‘So if Dad is my real father you must have had an affair with him?’’

  Josette nodded. ‘Yes, he was your father but it only happened the once, so it wasn’t an affair as such. I didn’t set out to sleep with Robert. I would never ever have done that to my sister. Jamais. Besides, I was so happy with Mario. We were getting married. What I did robbed me of everything I loved. It was something that… that happened, and you were the unexpected result,’ Josette sighed. Her hand shook as she picked up the coffee pot and topped up both their cups.

  Carla stared at her. ‘So, tell me how this unexpected affair, liaison or whatever you want to call it, happened.’

  ‘It’s a long story and one I wish I didn’t have to tell you,’ Josette said, taking a deep breath. ‘After Bobby died, Amelia had a breakdown. Thinking it would help her to recover, Amelia came home alone for several months. Robert came over as often as he could get time off work, which wasn’t often, maybe three times in six months. The pair of them were in a terrible place emotionally. Amelia could barely look at Robert when he visited, let alone share a bed with him,’ Josette said. ‘Eventually, our parents decided that it was time for Amelia to go back to Robert and England and try to get on with her life. Amelia protested she wasn’t well enough yet, but our parents insisted. Robert was duly summoned to come and collect her.’

  Josette was silent for a moment, remembering the weekend that Robert had arrived to take his wife home. She’d driven Amelia in the late evening to meet him off the last UK flight for the day at Nice airport. She remembered how shocked she’d been at his appearance that night. Several weeks since his last visit, the haggard lines of sorrow on his face were etched even deeper, his hair, unkempt and streaked with grey, hung over his collar, while huge bags made his dull eyes appear sunken into his face.

  ‘Your poor husband looks terrible. I think Mama and Papa are right – he needs you at home,’ Josette had said, turning to Amelia.

  Her twin had stared at her. ‘It’s not me he needs, it’s Bobby. And I can’t help him when that is what I need too.’

  Amelia had been unable to stop herself flinching away when Robert had leaned in for a hello kiss and he’d closed his eyes in anguish before stepping back with a sorrowful shake of his head.

  Once in the car, both Amelia and Robert had stared unseeingly out of opposite windows as Josette drove along the bord de mer. Things were no better when they arrived back at the villa. Amelia told Robert the bed in her room was all his – she was sleeping in the spare room. For the next twenty-four hours, Amelia and Robert were overly polite to each other when in the parents’ company, otherwise they ignored each other.

  Josette glanced across at Carla. ‘It was a terrible weekend. I had a date with Mario that Saturday evening and was glad to get away from them both. It was quite
late when I got home. We’d been to a party in Cannes. Walking along the upstairs landing, I saw the door to Robert’s room was ajar, a feeble light coming from his bedside table. When I glanced in, Robert was standing with his back towards me looking out over the dark garden, his body wracked with shakes as he sobbed.’ Agitatedly, Josette pushed her untouched croissant around the plate while Carla looked at her and waited.

  It was a minute or two before Josette spoke again.

  ‘I walked in, leant against his back and put my arms around him to hug him tightly and told him how sorry I was.’ Josette closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears that were welling. ‘I didn’t expect him to grab me, thinking I was Amelia finally coming to comfort him.’

  ‘He mistook you for Amelia? And you didn’t tell him?’

  Wearily, Josette nodded. ‘I could have stopped him, pushed him away, but I took a conscious decision not to, he was a man on the edge of grief. He needed comforting.’

  ‘You decided to comfort – to sleep with – your sister’s husband because he was grieving, just like that?’ Carla struggled to keep her voice neutral, to stop the incredulity she was feeling from sounding in her voice.

  ‘I felt so sorry for him. Amelia seemed to be reaping all the sympathy over the loss of Bobby. It was like she and other people had forgotten, even ignored, the fact that Robert too, had lost his son. He was expected to keep that British stiff upper lip in place at all times. If I’d realised the consequences my action would cause, the harm it would unleash,’ Josette choked back the tears. ‘I thought just the once wouldn’t hurt and it would help him.’ She glanced at Carla. ‘I do know how naive I was before you say anything.’ Josette brushed the tears away with her hand before standing up and pushing her chair back. ‘Help yourself to more coffee if you want. I’ll be back in a moment.’

  Carla, realising how upset her aunt was, nodded as Josette disappeared indoors. Sitting there trying to analyse the things she’d just learnt, Carla felt close to tears herself. True, some of her questions had been answered, but the answers had only served to raise even more questions. The answers to the new questions were likely to be as devastating as the previous ones. Learning and dissecting fifty year old family history and knowing that it was unalterable didn’t make it any more acceptable or easier to bear. Carla sighed. She was floundering in a sea of emotions that threatened to drown her if she gave in to them.

  Josette, when she returned ten minutes later, seemed more composed. ‘Shall I make some more coffee? Tea?’

  Carla shook her head. ‘No thanks, I’m awash with the stuff.’ She gave Josette a concerned look. ‘Are you okay to continue? Or shall I come back another time? There are still things I need and want to know.’

  When Josette nodded wearily and said. ‘Let’s get it over with,’ Carla took a deep breath.

  ‘When did Dad realise you weren’t Amelia?’

  Josette hesitated before saying quietly, ‘I think he probably knew within the first thirty seconds, but when I made no attempt to stop him…’ she shrugged her shoulders. ‘But afterwards it was awkward.’

  Carla looked at her and waited.

  ‘Robert cried as he held my hand and asked me to forgive him, saying it would never happen again, and imploring me never to speak of what had happened to anyone. “Nobody, especially Amelia, must ever know, it has to be our secret,” he said. I promised him that not only would it never happen again, I’d never tell anyone. Of course, five weeks later when I realised I was pregnant that turned out to be a promise I couldn’t keep.’

  ‘But you did,’ Carla said. ‘For fifty years, you kept the secret from me. Pregnancy, though, was something you couldn’t hide.’

  ‘When I told my parents I was pregnant, they took charge. There was no way they were going to allow the fact that they had another unmarried pregnant daughter to become common knowledge and bring disgrace to the family name.’ Josette fiddled with her coffee cup for a second or two before continuing.

  ‘My parents gave me three choices. If I kept the baby, I would no longer be their daughter and I would have to find somewhere else to live. I could have an abortion,’ Josette paused. ‘Or I could leave immediately for England, have the child in due course and give it to Amelia and Robert to bring up as theirs.’

  ‘They actually instigated you giving me to Mu— Amelia? Didn’t you protest? Try to keep me?’

  Josette shook her head. ‘Back then you still did what your parents told you – particularly if you were still living in their house with their rules. Besides, how could I keep you? I had no money, nowhere to live and no prospects. Going to live with the father was a fourth suggestion at one point but…’ Josette gave Carla a weary smile. ‘Abortion was never a real option,’ she added quietly. ‘They also believed giving the baby to Amelia would help her get over Bobby’s death and help her to heal. For me it became the obvious decision.’

  Josette was silent for several seconds. ‘I was dispatched immediately to England, to live with Amelia and Robert, told to stay there until you were born and then I could come home if I really wanted to – but I was never to mention having had a baby to them. As far as they were concerned, you were always treated as truly Amelia’s and Robert’s child.’

  ‘Did you tell them who the father was?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What about Dad? He knew he was my father, didn’t he?’

  Josette nodded. ‘Yes, and we decided together it was best never to tell anyone else. Amelia would have felt betrayed by both of us if she’d known. Initially she did promise I could tell you I was your mother “when the time was right”. Sadly that time never came. She also tried on several occasions to make me tell her the father’s name, but that was never going to happen,’ Josette said.

  ‘How did Amelia feel about all this in the beginning? Did she really want me? Or was it another case of the grandparents forcing her to agree?’

  ‘I think at first Amelia did feel a bit resentful and that I was using her. But the look on her face the moment she met and held you was one of wonderment and love. She and Robert did love you – you helped them heal and become a family unit again.’

  ‘In that case why don’t I have any younger brothers and sisters?’

  ‘Amelia couldn’t have any more. Something had gone wrong at Bobby’s birth. That in itself was a huge part of their problem,’ Josette said. She stood up and walked over to the honeysuckle and began fiddling with a long tendril that was flapping around. ‘Once you were born and handed over, I left Amelia and Robert. I did visit a few times every year and was always made welcome. They were difficult visits for me though. Made me realise what I’d given up. Every time I visited I hugged you tight, dreaming of a day in the future when I would be allowed to tell you I was your true mother. Then I’d leave on another freelance assignment – the further away from England and France, the better, for a few months. Gave me time to get myself together before the next visit. But then the year your grandmother died, it all fell apart.’

  Agitatedly, Josette snapped the last few centimetres of the honeysuckle off as she glanced at Carla.

  ‘When grandma died,’ Carla said. ‘I do remember Mu— Amelia being in a terrible mood with Dad when he insisted I should come to France with them. She thought I was too young and it wasn’t necessary for me to attend.’

  Josette nodded. ‘The day of your grandmother’s funeral was the day Amelia told me she wanted nothing more to do with me and banned me from contacting her or you. She broke my heart that weekend. It was the last time I saw you until we met in Paris years later. I have no idea to this day why Amelia turned on me so suddenly. Robert tried to find out, but Amelia refused to tell even him.’ Josette glanced at Carla uncertainly. ‘From then on, Robert kept me up to date with your life despite Amelia trying to cut all contact. Even though it was second-hand information, I heard about all the big moments in your life, birthdays, exams, wedding, the twins being born. Everything in fact a mother longs to be involved in, I was there
for in spirit. I just wasn’t allowed to participate – even as your aunt.’

  ‘I wish Dad had told me he was still in touch with you – I could have written to you in secret too. I always longed to get to know you better.’

  ‘Well, now you know the whole sorry story about how my one stupid, impulsive act changed the lives of everyone involved,’ Josette said. ‘How do you feel about things now? Do you still want me in your life having learnt the truth?’

  ‘Like you said earlier, our lives are becoming more entwined,’ Carla said thoughtfully. ‘What you’ve told me today is going to take time to sink in, but at least we now have things on an honest footing. I have no idea how long it will take me to stop thinking of you as Josette, my idiosyncratic renegade aunt, and accept you as my mother instead. It’s going to take months to get to know each other properly.’ She gave Josette a serious look. ‘The one consistent in my life story is the fact that Dad is still Dad. I just wish he was still alive and I could talk to him about everything.’

  Josette reached out for her hand. ‘I’m glad you finally know the truth.’

  Carla squeezed the hand holding hers hard before leaning in and gently kissing Josette on the cheek. ‘I’m glad too. I love living here in Antibes and having you in my life, but we do have a lot of bridges to build.’

  31

  Carla wandered through town in a daze after leaving Josette, trying to absorb and accept the things she’d just learned. She had no doubt that Josette regretted the way her actions of that long-ago night had changed the course of her life, but she wasn’t bitter about things. She’d got on and lived her life as best she could, keeping silent about the truth of Carla’s conception, the knowledge of which could only cause her twin more heartbreak.