Irregular Heartbeat

by Chris Zett

  “How about I head home and shower there? I need some clean clothes.”

  “Oh. Okay.” Diana stole a glance at Emily. Did that mean she didn’t want to spend the rest of the day together? Her stomach clenched, and she didn’t know if hunger or disappointment caused it.

  On the deck, she stacked the empty plates and cups with satisfying clunks and snatched up the cutlery before Emily could reach for it. She rushed through the glass door and nearly fell over the couch cushions on her way to the kitchen. Slow down. The plates don’t need to break because you hoped for another evening with Emily. Sorting everything into the dishwasher helped her to calm down and focus on Emily’s wishes instead of her own. “If you wait a few minutes, I can drive you home. I just need to change.”

  “Maybe… I thought…” Emily leaned against the kitchen island, turning a spoon in her hands.

  Another light blush tinted Emily’s features. Diana wasn’t sure what it indicated. Was she uncomfortable that Diana wanted to drive her?

  Emily’s color deepened. “Would you like to spend the evening together? Eat, talk, maybe watch a movie or something?” She talked faster than usual.

  Diana’s stomach unclenched, and she smiled in relief. “That sounds like the perfect plan.”

  Emily made up the couch while she waited for Diana to shower and dress. She tried not to think of Diana in the shower. Or Diana playing drums. Watching her play had triggered memories of the night at the beach years ago. The setting had been completely different, but she remembered Diana’s posture and the movement of her muscles as if it had been yesterday.

  She clutched one of the cushions and buried her head in it to stifle her groan. How embarrassing was it for a thirty-six-year-old woman to swoon like a teenager? The sweat glistening on Diana’s neck and shoulders had enhanced the bright colors of the tattoo as it had blurred the fine lines of ink. Caught between the impulses of running away and running her hands all over Diana, Emily had clung to the doorway, her heartbeat coming as fast and hard as Diana’s music. Get a grip.

  Emily placed the last cushion where it belonged and ran her hand over it to smooth a wrinkle. The texture reminded her of the “research” they’d done this morning. She’d completely lost control, and Diana had to slow her down. When she examined her feelings, she found no remorse. She’d been excited, aroused, and overwhelmed, but the spinning out of control hadn’t fazed her. What was different?

  “Is casual okay?” Diana’s question interrupted her introspection.

  Casual? Nothing of this felt casual to her. Oh, she was probably talking about her clothes and their plans for the evening.

  Emily took the excuse to study Diana. Her dark brown hair was still wet from the shower and much curlier than usual. She’d put on a pair of faded blue jeans and a green T-shirt with a V-neck. Except for the print of a light green vine clinging to her side, it was a plain shirt, but the snug fit accentuated Diana’s curves without revealing too much.

  She snapped her eyes to Diana’s face when she noticed where her thoughts and gaze had strayed.

  Laugh lines crinkled around Diana’s eyes that shone a brilliant green instead of the usual hazel and regarded her questioningly.

  What had the question been? Emily blinked and replayed the last minute. “Casual is fine with me.” Chewing her lip, she wondered if she should say anything about her thoughts. She wasn’t used to complimenting women. Or anyone. “The color looks good on you.”

  “Thank you.”

  The brilliant smile directed at Emily set free a swarm of butterflies. They definitely needed to spend the evening in public so that she was forced to keep her hands to herself.

  After Emily had showered and changed, they strolled down the street toward the same neighborhood restaurant they had visited before, holding hands. The waiter seated them at a table warmed by the late-afternoon sun. Diana started to protest.

  Shaking her head, Emily squeezed Diana’s hand and sat. They ordered drinks, and Emily perused the menu as if nothing had happened.

  Diana put down her menu. “You don’t want to sit in the shade today?”

  “I’m trying to shake old habits.” Emily shrugged.

  “I hope you’re not doing this for me.” Diana wanted to be supportive, but she wasn’t sure if she had crossed the fine line into being persuasive. The last thing she wanted to do was push Emily in a direction that wasn’t her own.

  “No, definitely for me.” Emily closed the menu and traced the embossed name of the restaurant with one finger. “You might have triggered some changes recently, but it has been coming for a long time. I’ve been stuck in the same routine, not exactly unhappy, but something was lacking. Initially, I didn’t want something different. You know, never change a winning team and all that nonsense. But my life led nowhere, and I ran myself in perpetual circles. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.”

  The waiter returned with their drinks, and Diana glanced at the menu and chose the first thing that jumped out at her. She wasn’t picky and wanted to return to their conversation.

  Emily seemed to have the same idea.

  Diana laid her hand on the table, silently inviting Emily to take it. A pleasant tingle spread from their joined hands up her arm. “Even if seeing it now makes you feel worse, it’s probably for the best. You can’t start the correct treatment if you don’t have the right diagnosis.”

  Emily shook her head. “You can’t really compare it to work. When I know a diagnosis, I have a treatment plan memorized. Or I can look it up. Here, I’m trying to find my way in the dark. At first, I thought changing up my routine would be enough. That’s why I volunteer at the Rainbow Home.”

  “Does it help?” Diana wanted to lay her arm around her in support. The knowledge that Emily wasn’t that demonstrative with her feelings kept her on her side of the table.

  “Some. But it wasn’t enough. I thought about cutting back on my responsibilities at work next. I just don’t have an idea how to tell Dr. Wallace I’d like to have a life outside of the ED too.”

  A bitter taste spread in Diana’s mouth. She tried to wash it down with a sip of water. “The burden of another resident came at the wrong time.”

  Emily grimaced. “I’m sorry. Just because I had decided to change didn’t mean anyone else should suffer.” She squeezed Diana’s hand. “And it was my fault. I didn’t communicate with Dr. Wallace that I didn’t want to do this anymore. He was always a good boss to me, more like a mentor. His opinion matters to me, and I was afraid to let him down.”

  “No wonder you’ve been so short with me.” Diana rolled her eyes and grinned to take the sting out of the words.

  “Nah, that’s just because I’m short with everyone at work.” Even though Emily tried to joke about it, Diana detected the frustration about her behavior just beneath the surface.

  Diana wished she could offer an easy solution; instead she intertwined their fingers. “You don’t have to be.”

  Emily acknowledged the return from joking to serious conversation with a smile. “I’m slowly realizing that. What surprised me is that Liz helped.”

  “I guess accepting help isn’t easy for you.” Diana could relate to that.

  “No.” Emily laughed and shook her head emphatically. “I didn’t just accept an offer when she made it; I actually asked her for it.” She rolled her eyes. “And it didn’t even hurt,” she added in an exaggerated childlike tone.

  They had to let go of each other’s hands as the waiter brought large plates with their salads and a basket of artisan bread. Diana offered the bread to Emily, then grabbed a slice. It was still warm, and the delicious aroma of herbs inspired her stomach to rumble. She had to hold herself back from devouring the rest of the loaf. The drumming had left her ravenous.

  Halfway through the salad, Emily laid her fork down and bit her lip. Twice she started to say something but took a sip of
water instead. “Why did you decide to change your life?” Her voice nearly got lost in the backdrop of laughter and chatter from the other guests.

  Diana had switched directions too often to answer this question easily. She focused on the last time. “You mean, why did I return to medicine?”

  Emily nodded. “You mentioned an incident that triggered the change.”

  Blue lights flashing in the distance filled her vision, leaving her stranded in the middle of the night with only her guilt and helplessness. She shook her head and blinked several times to clear the images from her mind. “I haven’t talked to anyone about it.”

  “You don’t have to talk about it.” Emily picked up the fork again and searched her salad until she speared a cherry tomato.

  Diana looked around. Nobody seemed to be listening. “Only a handful of people know the story. Mel, Katie, and our managers. And they just know parts of it. I’d like to tell you, but I can’t do it here, in public.”

  Emily reached for Diana’s hand. “It can wait.”

  Warmth spread from their joined hands, and the affection in Emily’s tone helped her focus on the positive consequences that had come from that night. “The short version is, there was…a medical emergency, and I was the only one who could help. Having all this knowledge and training, but no equipment, made me feel so useless. I think that feeling triggered the change. I kept asking myself if I had more experience or anything else to work with other than my hands, would it have led to a different outcome?”

  Emily squeezed her hand, seemingly not caring about the sweat covering Diana’s palm. “So you quit the band to help others?”

  “No, not really. I left the band to do what I’ve always wanted to do. I just had been too stupid to admit the truth to myself years ago that I had been too afraid to want it.” Diana paused, mentally replaying what she had just said. Why was it so difficult to say what she really meant? “Does that make sense?”

  Emily tilted her head to the side, her brows wrinkled in concentration. “A little. You want to say you’d been afraid during your first residency.”

  “Exactly. The idea of responsibility freaked me out.” Diana hesitated. Should she tell her the rest? Honesty was important to her, and she wasn’t the person anymore who avoided serious discussions. “I wasn’t a great student, and the holes in my knowledge started to show. Instead of focusing on my residency and studying to catch up, I quit. I took the easy way out, without thinking if it was what I wanted to do with my life.”

  Emily only shrugged and didn’t show signs of contempt as Diana had feared. “I think most of us were at that point once, wanting to quit and start over with something else. Only most of us didn’t have a really good alternative, so we stayed and worked through it. At least I know I did.”

  Wow. Diana had never considered that her running away could have been a normal reaction. A weight she hadn’t been aware of carrying until now lifted from her shoulders. Smiling with relief, she squeezed Emily’s hand before letting it go to pick up her glass. The cold water helped her retrieve her voice. “Thank you for admitting this.”

  They continued eating, and Diana appreciated the silence as she was able to disentangle her jumbled thoughts and emotions. The new perspective that she hadn’t been unique in her struggle to grow into the role of a doctor alleviated some of her guilty conscience. She had tried telling herself for years that she had left the residency because of the great opportunity of a professional record deal. But deep inside, she had always feared she wouldn’t have been a good doctor, even if she had finished her residency. She would never know now how she would have evolved if she’d stayed. She only knew she wouldn’t waste her second chance.

  Diana swallowed the last piece of chicken and looked at Emily. While she had been busy with her introspection, Emily had finished her salad and seemed content to wait her out. She leaned back in her chair, her eyes closed and her face angled slightly to the side to catch the last rays of the setting sun that broke through a space between the buildings. She was looking more relaxed than Diana had seen her so far. Her freckles had multiplied in the last few days and coated her nose and cheekbones like cinnamon dust. Diana wanted to kiss every single one of them, but here wasn’t the right place. “How about we watch that movie now?”

  Emily opened her eyes and smiled. “We can go to my place. Jen gave me a DVD a few weeks ago that she thought I’d like.”

  They paid, both reaching for the bill at the same time. Diana relented after Emily pointed out that she had invited her. Not that it mattered who paid, but it was a nice feeling that she wasn’t with someone who wanted her for the supposed fame or money people expected to come with a record deal.

  Emily poured boiling water in two large cups with tea bags, choosing the ginger-orange-honey mix because Diana had picked it last time. While she waited for the tea to steep, she put away the clean plates stacked next to the sink and wiped the already-clean counter. She was nervous, but not like the first time Diana had visited. So much had changed in the last month. Anticipation had replaced anxiety. She no longer resented the intrusion into her private sanctuary but enjoyed sharing her space with Diana.

  Diana had already made herself comfortable on the couch that looked much smaller than usual. The butterflies that seemed to have taken up permanent residence inside her fluttered at the thought of sitting close together. The only light came from the small lamp on the windowsill and the TV, setting the atmosphere for a romantic evening.

  She left the tea to cool on the side table and sat next to Diana. Their legs were barely touching, but the heat seemed to sear through their clothing. Emily reached for the remote and started the movie.

  “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,” Emily read as the title was revealed on subway signs. “Did you read the back cover? I forgot what it’s about.” In the first scenes, the setting in a depressive concrete urban desert was filmed in haunting beauty and underlined the loneliness of the main character trying to date online. Had Jen wanted her to watch it to remind Emily to go out and date?

  “I just skimmed it. I think it is about changing your life.” Diana put her hand on Emily’s thigh and squeezed. “Do you think this is too much for today?”

  Emily put her own hand on Diana’s and intertwined their fingers. “No, I guess I should accept that the universe is putting up neon signs for me instead of giving subtle hints.”

  Diana softly bumped her shoulder against Emily’s and relaxed into the backrest. Now their bodies were touching from shoulder to toe, and her butterflies swarmed again. She forced her gaze to the TV to avoid burying her face into Diana’s shoulder.

  The movie was a good distraction, and Emily concentrated on the journey of the protagonist, whose search for the lost negative of an important photograph led him to several exotic places and freed his suppressed creativity and hidden talents. In the end, he became more himself than he had ever been and won the love of the colleague he had admired for a long time. Jen’s message for her was obvious.

  As the credits rolled, Emily reached for her cold tea to soothe her dry throat. She’d nearly cried during the film, which was completely unusual for her, and she was afraid her voice would show it now. “Jen’s right. This was a good film for me.”

  Diana half turned in her seat toward Emily, pulling one leg underneath her. “Not only for you. Change has been on my mind a lot too. Even though I have reached my goal of working as a doctor again, I’m not at the end of my journey. Personal development is a process.”

  Diana hadn’t let go of her hand, and Emily clung to it like a lifeline. She needed the warm touch to ground herself. “I want to change so much, but I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know where to begin. My work? My love life? My personality? I have conflicted feelings about my mother. On the one hand, I think she barely touched my life because she was so absent emotionally; on the other hand, I ingrained a lot of things that were important t
o her to…I don’t know…to please her or to be seen by her. And I need to go back now to find out which of my beliefs and convictions and habits are me and which are her and what I want to keep.” Emily was babbling and knew it. What was Diana thinking? Her face was shrouded in darkness now that the DVD had stopped.

  “I think you’re doing a great job so far. You don’t have to do it all at once.” Diana’s voice warmed and soothed her more than the ginger-orange-honey tea could. “I didn’t change my life overnight. I made plans and communicated them with everyone important. The second time I didn’t want to just quit and run away; I wanted to be sure of my motives. Talking to a therapist helped me gain some perspective.”

  Fear sliced through her. Only the broken and weak need therapists, her mother’s voice hissed. But that wasn’t true. This was just another prejudice she had picked up from her. “Do you think therapy helped? Was it necessary?”

  “Not necessary, but definitely helpful. I think I could have done it without, but why should I? If I broke my leg, I’d use crutches as long as I wore my cast.”

  Emily giggled; she couldn’t help it. That argument was so simple, it sneaked through all her barriers, erected by years of listening to her mother’s judgmental monologues. “Thanks. I needed to hear that.”

  “Anytime.” Diana’s smile was evident in her tone. “I’m not tired yet, are you? Do you want to watch another movie?”

  Good, the serious conversation hadn’t driven Diana away. Emily leaned back against the couch. “I’m not tired either. Let’s watch another one, but I have to warn you. I don’t have Netflix and my DVD collection isn’t that big either. Usually Jen lends me new stuff.”

  Diana squeezed Emily’s hand, then stood and went to the entertainment unit and removed the disc from the DVD player. “Are they in here?” By the movement of the dark silhouette, Emily guessed Diana pointed to the drawers.

  “Yes.” Emily switched on the lamp on the side table. The light was bright, and she had to close her eyes for a second. “Why don’t you pick one, and I’ll make us another tea? Or do you want anything else? Water? Wine?”