On the Record

by Linde, K. A.

  Sometimes Liz thought it was.

  “Do you think he’ll win? Is he going to come to campus? Are you going to see him?” Victoria prodded.

  Ever since Liz had told Victoria about Brady it had been this way. Liz wasn’t sure if Victoria was more excited that Liz had done something completely out of character or because it was something that maybe even topped her crazy stories. But as much of a relief as it was to finally have told someone about what had happened, it was wearing on Liz’s nerves having to talk about Brady every day. She had been trying not to think about him for over a year. This wasn’t helping.

  “Yes, I think he’ll win. I have no idea if he will come to campus. And no,” Liz said in a sad, frustrated tone, “I won’t see him.”

  Victoria shrugged. “Can’t hurt anything if you did.”

  “Oh, yes, it could,” Liz murmured.

  “Nothing besides your vagina.”

  Liz rolled her eyes to the ceiling. “I’m not going to sleep with him.”

  “Not with that attitude.”

  “Boyfriend,” Liz reminded her.

  “Details.”

  “Pretty important details,” Liz said, standing up and running her hands back through the tresses she had expertly put curls into. She had completed her hair and makeup for the Morehead scholarship banquet thirty minutes ago, but she wasn’t ready to slip into her dress until right before they had to leave. “Especially considering that detail is about to walk through our front door.”

  “Are you going to tell him?” Victoria asked.

  “I haven’t decided,” Liz said, her stomach dipping uncomfortably. She hated hiding it from Hayden, but telling him about Brady made her even more anxious. “Just don’t say anything, okay?”

  “I’m sworn to secrecy.”

  “Good,” Liz said over her shoulder as she walked into her bedroom.

  She stripped out of her lounge clothes and tugged the boutique dress off of the hanger. She stepped into the dress and pulled the zipper into place. Strapping on silver glitter high heels, she looked herself over in the mirror once. Her hand moved to her neck and she sighed.

  She wasn’t looking forward to her decision tonight. Should she tell Hayden? Her hand reached for the jewelry box on her dresser, and she gingerly removed Brady’s necklace from within. She walked across the room and took a seat on her bed. God, too many questions, and not enough answers.

  She was still wavering with indecision when she heard a knock on the front door. “Liz!” Victoria called. “Get your ass out here.”

  Liz set the necklace on her nightstand before walking back down the hall. Liz stopped where she was standing when she saw the guy Victoria was currently attached to. Liz cleared her throat softly and Victoria broke the lip-lock.

  “Oh! Daniel, this is my roommate, Liz,” Victoria said as introduction.

  Liz raised her eyebrows at Victoria. She hadn’t mentioned that she was even still talking to Duke Fan, let alone that he was going to be coming to the banquet with them tonight.

  “So nice to finally meet you,” Daniel said, walking forward and extending his hand.

  “The illustrious Duke Fan,” Liz said, taking his hand in hers and shaking.

  Daniel chuckled and nodded. “I’ve heard that’s what you call me.”

  Liz saw the look that passed between Victoria and Daniel. It made Liz smile. Victoria was clearly very happy.

  Another knock on the door made Liz turn around and then Hayden was walking through the door. He was in a black pinstripe suit with a crisp white shirt and red tie. He pulled his hand out from behind his back and produced a bouquet of red roses. He smiled that heart-stopping smile, and Liz felt the wave of guilt wash over her all over again.

  “These are for you, gorgeous,” Hayden said in greeting. He walked up to her and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

  “Wow,” Liz breathed. “Thank you.”

  “Let me help you find a vase for those,” Victoria said immediately, ushering Liz out of the living room and leaving the guys alone without an introduction.

  Their heels clattered against the kitchen tiles as they strode into the room. Victoria plucked the roses out of Liz’s hands and went in search of a vase in a cabinet.

  “Stop whatever you’re thinking right now,” Victoria said. “These flowers are no reason to freak out.”

  “I’m not freaked out,” Liz told her.

  “Uh-huh. I think you should just take a breath and then let it out.”

  Liz did what she said as Victoria found a vase and started pouring water into it.

  “So I really think you should tell him tonight,” Victoria said.

  Liz squeaked. “Tonight!”

  “It makes sense. He’s here, and then you can break up with him and go back to the politician.”

  Her eyes bugged out. “You are insane. I’m not going to go back to him,” she hissed, glancing over her shoulder, “because he doesn’t want me. Now would you keep it down so that I don’t have to fucking explain myself before I’m ready?”

  “Oh, please,” Victoria said, slipping the roses out of their packaging and plopping them into the vase. She turned and popped her hip out. “Any guy would be an idiot not to want you.”

  “Well, you didn’t hear him. You didn’t have him look you in the eyes and say, ‘No more tears, because soon I won’t even be a memory, just like you want,’” Liz spat. “So stop bringing it up! I’m going to regret telling you.”

  “Just like you wanted . . . not like he wanted. There’s a difference,” Victoria said, primping the roses into formation. She grasped the vase in her hands. “I just think that the fact that you haven’t told Lane is telling for your relationship. So why not find out how he reacts and see if it’s everything you actually want.”

  “Just give me those,” Liz snapped, snatching the roses out of Victoria’s hand and walking out of the kitchen. She plastered on a smile as she walked back into the living room with the roses. “These look beautiful.”

  Hayden and Daniel were standing a few feet apart in silence.

  “I’m glad you like them,” Hayden said. He followed her into the living room, where she placed them on the coffee table, and then wrapped her in a hug. He planted a kiss on her forehead as he grasped the soft material between his fingers. “I’ve missed you.”

  “I missed you too,” she said softly.

  “Y’all ready?” Victoria asked, grabbing her coat out of the closet and walking toward the door.

  “Yes,” Hayden answered immediately. He leaned down and whispered in her ear, “Sooner we leave, sooner I can get you home.”

  Liz giggled at the implication in his words. This was easy, simple. No need for her to stress or put more thought into it than she needed to. If she wanted to tell Hayden then she would. If the time wasn’t right, then she wouldn’t. Right now she was just going to enjoy her evening.

  Hayden and Liz crashed back into the house several hours later, tipsy from the wine that had been flowing all night, and drunk on the energy of the evening. Victoria and Daniel had stayed at the banquet, since Victoria won the Senior Morehead scholarship award, which provided funding to the genetics project she was working on. Dr. Mires had been in attendance and had talked Liz through all of the reporting jobs that Liz had applied for over break. They were both hopeful that offers would be coming in within the next couple weeks.

  It was exciting and exhilarating being at the banquet, discussing the future, and finally realizing that this was the end. This was her last semester of college and then she would be out in the real world.

  Hayden’s hands slid down the sides of her dress as soon as the door closed. One hand grabbed her ass and the other wound around her waist, drawing her into him. His breath was hot on her neck, and she squirmed against him.

  “Bedroom,” he whispered huskily.


  “Hayden . . .”

  He released her waist and spun her around fast. She teetered in her heels, latching on to him for support just before his lips claimed her. That cut off all conversation. After he broke the kiss, Hayden took her hand and walked her back to her bedroom. She staggered forward after him.

  They made it into the bedroom and Liz kicked off her heels. She wasn’t exactly drunk, but they were dangerous even when she was sober.

  Hayden pulled her into him again and started walking them backward. His lips fell on top of hers once more. In between kisses, he murmured, “Bed.”

  Liz swallowed hard. She wanted to get into this. She wanted this to happen. She wanted Hayden to remind her why she loved him. But as her knees hit the edge of the bed another pair of eyes flashed in her mind. Brown eyes. Big brooding brown eyes. Eyes that consumed her to her very core. The very same eyes of the person she had been kissing a few months ago.

  She pulled back with a gasp. Holy shit! She couldn’t do this right now with such a heavy heart. They’d had an amazing time at the party. They had danced and drank and celebrated together. She had tried so hard to be what they had been. She had almost been able to forget what she had done. Almost.

  “Hayden, stop,” she whispered, pushing lightly against his chest.

  “I’ll close the door,” he said in response. He started walking across the room.

  “No, that’s not what I meant.” She took a seat on the bed and her head swam. She wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or the fear of what she was about to do.

  Liz had never anticipated telling anyone about what had happened with Brady. She had sworn that she wouldn’t. She didn’t want to hurt Brady. But she had hurt him anyway and now he was gone from her life forever. She just knew that she couldn’t continue with this life she was leading. She couldn’t keep feeling the guilt and self-loathing about kissing the man that she had so desperately loved for so long. She just needed to be free.

  “I want to talk to you,” she breathed.

  Hayden shut the door and walked back over to her. His hands found her face, and he cupped her cheeks in his palms. “Let’s talk later.”

  He had never been a sex-first-and-talk-later kind of guy. The alcohol must have been talking. Just as it was giving her the courage to speak up.

  “No. Talk first,” she encouraged.

  He breathed out heavily. “I think we should wait.” He eased her back on the bed and started trailing kisses down her neck.

  “Hayden . . .”

  “Shhh . . .” he whispered, running a hand up her bare thigh. “I just want to feel you next to me.”

  On any other night, she would have preferred his forthrightness. He wasn’t normally this guy. He wasn’t normally demanding. And she liked this new Hayden. She found that she actually really, really wanted it. But she couldn’t.

  “No, Hayden. No,” she said more forcefully. She pushed him off of her and rolled off of the bed. She flicked on the side table lamp so she could see his face. “We really need to talk.”

  The alcohol was sending liquid courage through her veins, and still her stomach knotted with anxiety. How would he take what she was about to say? She had told Victoria that the worst thing that could happen would be for Hayden to leave her. The uncertainty ate away at her. Was he going to blow up on her? Was he going to just be shocked? She wouldn’t know until she told him, but as she stood there in front of him, her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth.

  “What do we need to talk about?” Hayden asked, clearly frustrated. He straightened himself, crossed one leg over the other at the ankle, and leaned forward.

  She could tell that he had no idea what she was about to throw at him. There was no way she could approach this as she had with Victoria. At that time, she had just blurted out that she had kissed someone else, but with Hayden she couldn’t imagine what that would do to him. She couldn’t break him.

  “Um . . . I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a long time,” she began carefully. “I just didn’t know how to say it.”

  “Didn’t know how to say what?” Hayden asked. There wasn’t any caution in his voice at all. He had no clue. She hated herself for what she was about to do to him in that moment.

  “I know you might be mad with me, but please just let me explain.”

  That sure captured his attention. He sat up straighter and his hazel eyes narrowed. She could see that he was trying to figure out where this was going, and that he hadn’t expected that at all. There was no going back now.

  “So . . . two summers ago, I was dating someone else,” Liz began.

  “You were?” he asked clearly confused.

  “Yeah. I met this guy, and we had this secret relationship the summer before my junior year. I was still seeing him when I visited you in D.C.”

  Hayden’s eyebrows rose sharply at that comment. She hated telling him the whole story, but she knew that she needed to. He wouldn’t understand if she didn’t start from the beginning.

  “It was a strange relationship. One that’s kind of hard to explain. One that up until last week, I’d never told anyone else about. We weren’t exactly exclusive, but . . .” Liz cringed. She wished there were an easier way to explain this. “Anyway, I was with you in D.C. and then sometime shortly after school started, he and I broke it off. Well, I left him.”

  “Why are you telling me all of this?” Hayden asked, unable to keep the slight tone of anger out of his voice.

  She didn’t blame him.

  “Because I saw him again in October.”

  Hayden stopped moving. He had only been slightly fidgeting with his suit coat and tapping his foot, but when she said that he stopped everything and just stared at her.

  “When in October?”

  She could tell that he already knew the answer. Her heart pounded away in her chest. This was going to be even more difficult than she thought.

  “When we had our argument,” she whispered.

  Hayden stood at the statement. He walked to the end of the bed and rested his hand on the footboard, facing away from her. His chest was rising and falling with barely concealed anger and pain . . . betrayal.

  “I’ve been meaning to tell you this whole time, but I never found a way. There was always something else.”

  “What happened?” he asked, his voice cold.

  “He picked me up from the paper. We kissed. That’s it,” she said earnestly.

  Hayden sagged against the footboard. He brought his hand to his head and she saw his shoulders shake. There. She had broken him. And it hurt so fucking bad. She couldn’t even see his face, but she knew, she just knew that she had hurt him beyond compare. She could imagine his face crumpled and the hollowness in his eyes at her words.

  “I swear it will never happen again. We agreed to never see each other after that,” she told him. It hadn’t gone exactly that way, but it wasn’t as if it wasn’t the truth. “I felt so terrible, and I wanted to tell you, Hayden. I really did.”

  “Then why didn’t you?” he asked, his voice the same cold calculation.

  “I don’t know.”

  He turned around sharply. “I was a total prick to you that day. I was completely a hundred percent in the wrong. And I owned up to that. I told you exactly everything that I did, and you let me sit there and grovel. I might have pushed you back to him that day, but you had your opportunity to tell me what happened and you chose not to.”

  “I know,” Liz whispered, tears welling in her eyes. She could have told him what had happened. She could have been honest, but she hadn’t.

  “I felt like absolute shit for months. I tried to do everything I could to be better. Calleigh has been breathing down my fucking throat since I started working there. Why don’t I just go back to Charlotte and kiss her?”

  Liz gasped. Her hands flew to her face and tears fell from he
r eyes. “No.”

  “It wouldn’t be any different, would it?”

  “No,” she whispered, shaking her head. She didn’t know if she answered him or if she was just horrified at the thought.

  “Did he try anything else?” Hayden demanded, the fire still in his eyes.

  Liz shook her head.

  “Don’t fucking lie to me!” he yelled.

  Liz took a step back, startled by the outburst. It so wasn’t Hayden. “Yes! Okay! Does it make you feel better?” she cried. “He wanted to fuck me. But I didn’t let him. I made him take me back home. All right?”

  “Jesus Christ, Liz,” Hayden spat. “You had another guy’s hands on you, another guy’s lips on you, another guy’s body against yours . . .”

  “I didn’t say . . .”

  “Who is it?” he demanded.

  “Hayden, I can’t.”

  He walked slowly toward her until he was standing directly in front of her. She cowered slightly at the feel of him hovering over her. “Liz, who is it?” he asked, his voice low and deliberate.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It fucking matters,” he growled.

  Liz bit her lip and stared down. She couldn’t tell him. No fucking way.

  “Is he at the paper?”

  She glanced back up into his eyes and shook her head. “No.”

  “It’s not Justin?”

  Liz laughed and then quickly cleared her throat. So not appropriate.

  Hayden glared at her. “Are you actually laughing? Do you find something about this funny?”

  “No. No, it wasn’t Justin,” she squeaked.

  “Do I know the guy?”

  “Um . . .” she said, deciding on how to answer that. God, she didn’t want to be having this conversation. “You’ve, um . . . met.”

  He reached out and grabbed both of her shoulders in his hands. She stared up into those eyes and saw a wildness she had never seen before. “Look, I’m not going to confront him. I just need to know. Don’t you understand? I’m going crazy here. I love you so fucking much. You’re my whole world, Lizzie. You’re everything to me. I was the idiot who pushed you away, and I swore I was never going to make you feel like that again. If I don’t know who the guy is, you’re going to make me feel like this forever.”