Beginnings

by L. T. Smith

  I fiddled about with my top, smoothing the wrinkles to no avail … wasting time.

  Jo still sat there. Silent. Waiting. And I pratted about … nervous, swallowing rapidly.

  I could tell she was just about to say something, but I beat her to it.

  ‘I’m gay.’ Short and to the point.

  Jo’s face didn’t change at all. She just stared at me and allowed the simple sentence to be fully digested. I thought I had done the wrong thing, as images of her slapping me ran rampant through my head.

  And then she made her move, and I physically shrunk backwards as her hand stretched out towards me.

  Her eyes clouded with dismay as she realised what I thought she was going to do, and she gentled her movements before pushing a stray lock of hair behind my ear… cocking her head to the side to stare into my eyes again. Such green eyes … a little lighter than my own, but filled with … understanding.

  ‘I know.’

  Huh? How did she know? I only found out I had feelings for women a few months back.

  ‘How?’

  ‘Just call it sisterly instinct. Sometimes I know you better than you know yourself.’ Relief formed and swirled inside me, but I didn’t feel I had control over my feelings yet.

  Jo knew. Jo didn’t care. Jo still loved me.

  It all seemed too much to accept, and I had to quickly swallow the tears back down again as she took my hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘It’s not the end of the world you know?’ I looked up at her, head held in submission. She smiled at me, a soft sweet smile in the hopes to reassure me. Tentatively, she sucked in a breath, bit her lip and asked the million-dollar question.

  ‘Did you stay at Ash’s last night?’

  ‘Why would I do that?’ At least I think that is what I said.

  ‘Well … erm…’ Cough. ‘I thought you … her … erm … well … you know?’

  ‘Me and Ash! Together!’

  Jo leaned backwards, probably to escape the volume of my voice. Her face showed surprise at my shrill tone and look of total disbelief. I drew in a sharp breath and tried to mentally fiddle with the volume settings of my voice box before repeating my previous statements, but now as questions. ‘Me and Ash? Together?’

  ‘I thought … well … there has always been … oh never mind.’ She looked nervous to say the least, but not as nervous as I felt. I was sitting here, in my bedroom, telling my sister I was gay, and her response was to think I was shagging my childhood friend.

  If only.

  Yes … if only.

  Sadness welled up inside and began to squirm its way upwards and outwards. I wanted to be with Ash … God, did I? And what would Jo make of me sleeping with Sarah knowing she wasn’t the one I wanted to be sleeping with?

  ‘It’s Sarah.’

  I could tell Jo didn’t know whom I was talking about, as Sarah had never come into the house, she had always met me outside … and the closest she had been was the front door.

  ‘Sarah … who I work with …’ A spark of recognition hit home, but then she smiled the smile of someone who is completely without a clue. ‘We started seeing each other about three months ago, but …’ Could I actually say it? ‘We only … erm … slept … together … forthefirsttimelastnight.’ The last bit was a bit rushed, but at least I got it out, although my face was near incandescent by this stage.

  So was Jo’s. But there was something else underlying the red glow.

  Confusion.

  And this made me confused … even more than I already was.

  Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes felt like hours. The air in the room was becoming smothering and I could feel the heat travelling up my body in waves, achingly aware I should say something … anything.

  Expressions such as ‘What about United then?’ didn’t seem the right way to go for some reason.

  A little bit more time elapsed, until I put my blonde brain into gear and came out with a well-thought through question.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Pure genius, if I say so myself. Short. To the point. Succinct, yet oddly full of possibility. I watched her squirm on the bed, looking at Cliff on the walls as some kind of support. ‘For God’s sake, Jo, ask me … or tell me … just say something.’

  Her lips pursed, readying themselves for action and then … nothing. I stared at her; the nerves rustling around my stomach had mogged off, fed up with the wait to flutter and be all-dramatic. So, I poked her in the ribs, which did bring a much-needed smile to her face, and I felt her physically relax.

  ‘What is it, Jo? Have I disappointed you?’

  ‘Why on earth should you say that?’

  ‘By not being what you wanted me to be … you know … straight?’

  The next bit surprised even me, and I had known this girl as long as I could remember.

  She laughed … head back laughing … laughed … yep … laughed. I know … I’m repeating myself, but she …l-a-u-g-h-e-d.

  Not happy.

  Not in the slightest.

  Here I was, pouring out my innermost secret to the one person who I respected and loved, and she sat here laughing AFTER telling me she already knew.

  Not a happy camper, by any stretch of the imagination.

  Ire niggled inside me, and I wanted to stand up and stamp my foot, in the most adult way possible, obviously. But I didn’t. I just sat there and glowered, waiting for her to stop, which she eventually did when she noticed my straight thin lips and firm jaw.

  ‘Sorry … I’m sorry, Lou. It’s just … just …’

  ‘What? Just what?’ I glared, and she tried to stop the spluttering laugh escaping from her mouth. So, like the injured party, I glared some more.

  ‘You.’ Well that made me feel better, that’s for sure. ‘How on earth could you feel I could ever be disappointed in you, whatever you did.’ She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled my stiff body into her arms. ‘Maybe we don’t always agree on things, or I don’t like the things that you do …’ I made a move to interrupt. ‘No … hear me out.’ With that she shoved my head firmly underneath her arm, as if holding it in place.

  ‘As I was saying …’ I could feel the words rattling around her chest, echoey, thudding. ‘I could never be disappointed in you … ever. It is all about acceptance … accepting we are not infallible. Accepting there are times in our life where we say and do things we are not proud of, but accepting we made a mistake and move on.’

  Her grip loosened around me and I took the opportunity to look into her face. A weird angle, though, as I could see her face from the chin up, but she was still perfect in my eyes. She was staring straight ahead, totally focused on what she was saying.

  ‘So, Lou. Accept yourself … accept who and what you are … what you have done, and what you will do … faults and all. And if people love you …’ a soft kiss on my forehead, ‘whatever it is … they will eventually accept you. Disappointment is a brief emotion, something we look back and learn from, not something we build our lives upon.’

  Wow. What a speech. Now, you already know how much I love my sister, but this took the biscuit. I felt my chest swell with pride for even knowing someone like this.

  It was so true. We spend our lives in fear of disappointing others, but we fail to think that within this time we are disappointing ourselves. Something to chew over … definitely.

  We sat there, snuggled up on my bed and just listened to the sounds of each other’s breathing. I felt so calm, so at peace, so … well … serene in a way, although I knew the feeling wouldn’t last.

  Then Jo broke the serenity.

  ‘I honestly thought you were shagging Ash … you go on enough about how bloody fantastic she is.’

  I shot up, peace … tranquillity … calmness shot to pieces, and my response came out so quickly; I think I nearly gave the game away. ‘You must be joking, right? Me and Ash … as if?’ Maybe not the response, but the speed and the fake tone of incredulity made up the guilty parties.

  And then she la
ughed again. A knowing laugh. A cocky laugh that made me wriggle with teenage anger.

  ‘Right. I believe you, but thousands wouldn’t.’ And then she laughed again.

  Bugger.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  CHRISTMAS WAS JUST a week away, and college was coming to the end of term. Flyers announced a ‘Chrimbo Get Together’ at the Students’ Union, and promises of cheap drinks, music and ‘Lots Lots More’, whatever that entailed.

  It was to be hosted on the same night as Sarah’s Christmas get together at Uni, and she had asked me to go.

  But …

  Ash had asked me to go to the one at college.

  Decisions … Decisions … no decision … Ash won out.

  Sarah was gutted I wouldn’t be going with her, as she had planned something ‘special’ for afterwards. The worst part was I didn’t even feel guilty, well … I did a little … erm … okay … I did feel guilty … She looked so lost when I told her I had already made arrangements, and even offered to skip her own shindig and come to mine.

  My heart stopped in my chest. No. She couldn’t come to my do – Ash would be there, and … and … and …

  And what? It’s not as if you two are sleeping together is it? Well … I am sleeping with Sarah. But not Ash … so where’s the harm?

  What if Sarah suspects I like Ash?

  What if Ash suspects my relationship with Sarah? And is disgusted?

  No. I couldn’t let that happen. The more distance I could put between those two the better.

  Don’t get me wrong, they both knew the other existed, but they didn’t know what I thought about the other, or what I did with one that I wanted to do with the other.

  Yes … definitely confusing. Imagine how I felt?

  Friday night came and I was a bag of nerves for some reason or another. I was to meet Ash, and the rest of them, at 7.30, and my stomach actually got there before I did.

  Wizard’s ‘I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday’ greeted me as I entered the smoky bar. Students packed the place to the rafters, and all I could see were a sea of red Santa hats.

  But I couldn’t concentrate on anything but looking for Ash. Santa hats be damned.

  It took me fifteen minutes to actually find her, well … for her to find me.

  I had nearly given up hope and just gone to the bar and to grab a drink, when I felt her behind me. When I say felt her, I mean felt her … felt her presence. It was like an electric charge scooted up from the base of my spine and into my hairline … shuddering shocks. Obviously, I didn’t know it was her until she touched me.

  And it was then I nearly swooned. The charges, or sparks, intensified dramatically, and raced around me looking for appeasement. She had placed her hands on my hips and pulled me backwards towards her … nothing sexual … but God … it felt it to me. Especially when I felt her breasts in my back.

  Stranger still, I didn’t even know it was her at this stage.

  My body was reacting in a way that was beyond my control, and I tensed in her embrace. Ash felt this, and instead of releasing me to fall to my knees, she did the worst thing possible.

  She put those beautiful lips close to my ear and whispered ‘It’s okay, Lou. It’s only me.’ Her breath brushed against my skin and made every single hormone in my body sit up and beg. I don’t know what got into me. I still can’t believe the next thing I did.

  It was like I had no control at all left in me to stop myself … to stop my hands, that covered her own … to stop my head turning to face her … to stop my eyes fluttering closed … lips parting in expectation … to stop me reaching upwards to meet her divine lips … to …

  ‘There you two are!’ Stephen. Bugger. Or should I say lifesaver.

  My eyes shot open to meet the intense blue stare of Ash, who I think looked even more startled than I did. Funny thing was, I know I had leaned upwards to kiss her, but I don’t think I could have actually got that close to her … she was so close I could feel the tip of my nose touch her cheek. And although our faces were on an angle, it would have been the matter of an inch and a half before my lips would have covered hers.

  A paltry inch and a half … an inch and a half and I could have tasted heaven. An inch and a half and I could have experienced the sensation I had only dreamed about.

  An inch and a half and I would have a lot of explaining to do.

  Moving away from her seemed like it was performed in slow motion. Our heads moved backwards but the gaze stayed intact, albeit confused. I lifted my hands from hers to release her, but they still lingered on my hips for a few moments more, as if they were stunned and had to have time to recover.

  Or was that wishful thinking?

  In all this time, Stephen had stood next to us, waiting. He looked slightly self-conscious, and I think if he could have escaped, he would have … willingly.

  I rapidly swallowed, although the dryness in my throat made this task seem like one of the twelve labours of Hercules. But I was trying to kick-start my mouth into action, before the situation became even tenser than it already was.

  ‘Hi, Stephen … there you are. I was looking for you.’ No I wasn’t. But what did you expect me to say? That I was looking for your gorgeous sister? Or, why did you interrupt me trying to lay one on Ash? What about … Thank you for stopping me make a total dick head out of myself? Now that’s a good one.

  ‘We’re over here.’ And with that, he turned and nearly tripped over himself to get away.

  Both Ash and I stared after him, fully expecting to actually see Cerberus chasing him.

  ‘Come on. I’ll take you back to the table and then get the drinks in.’ Her voice wasn’t as self-assured as usual, and a seed of worry planted itself in my gut. What if she had realised what I was going to do?

  Buggeration.

  Double buggeration.

  I nearly made my excuses and left … nearly. But how could I go home and know I could have spent the evening with Ash? There was no way I could have done that … no way. I just had to be more careful with what I let show … tighten the reigns on my feelings … even more tightly than I already was holding them.

  And up to five minutes ago, I had held them pretty tightly.

  But … as you can see … I wasn’t very good at reigning these emotions in.

  But … I would have to learn. And quickly.

  The evening was fun. It was loud and garish in a Christmas party kind of way.

  You can imagine what it was like. A room full of teenagers, alcohol, and the freedom to act in the way they had not allowed themselves to act for the first few months of term.

  We were all relaxed, well to a degree. I was still reeling from the near social faux pas from earlier to allow myself the freedom of going anywhere near the object of my desire. It would have been too tempting to just make a lunge at her, but … I couldn’t do that. She was my friend, and however much I longed for her … yearned for her … craved for her touch … her mouth … her lips … However much I needed to feel her in my arms, I couldn’t, no … wouldn’t do anything that would jeopardise our friendship.

  All evening I kept on taking sly looks at her, devouring her with my eyes. She was so beautiful … so absolutely beautiful. I loved the way she really looked at people when she talked. The way her hands moved when she was chatting … the way she held a finger up to people when she wanted their attention … the way she tilted her head to the side … or threw it back in laughter.

  One of the things I found breathtaking was the way she licked her lips, soft caresses from the wet muscle around lips that had been carved from rose petals. And the way she would bite her bottom lip when she was acting coy, or thinking.

  I could sit here all night and list everything I loved about her. Could spend eternity spouting her beauty, like Shakespeare’s sonnet:

  And yet by heav’n I think my love as rare

  As any she belied with false compare

  Nothing compared to her … nothing could match the blueness of he
r eyes, the rose hue of her lips and cheek, the sound of her voice … her voice … her voice. I don’t believe I actually listened to the words … I just got lost in it … allowed it to swirl over me and consume me.

  All this from a few surreptitious looks.

  Imagine what I could say if I was allowed to fully digest her?

  It was strange, though. Many of the times I stole a look, she would already be looking in my direction. One time, her face was completely lost in thought, her eyes fixed firmly on my face. The previous times I had looked at her and she was looking at me, she had quickly turned away.

  But not this time.

  This time she just … stared. Her eyes seemed preoccupied, with what I don’t know. They seemed to be looking at my mouth, but I think it was just wishful thinking on my part. Funny how self-conscious you become when someone is looking at your mouth, it is nearly impossible not to lick your lips.

  So I did.

  And so did she.

  It was like she was mimicking the action, those perfect lips were stroked by that perfect tongue, then the bottom lip, once again, was caught between her perfect teeth.

  I felt the groan leave my mouth before I had chance to stop it.

  I don’t know if it was that that made her jump back, as if she had been slapped, the confusion evident on her face. Or maybe it was the reality of the situation.

  But I know for definite, for that split second she kept my gaze when she was focused, she must have seen everything I had tried so hard to keep hidden. There is no way she could have missed it. It was there for the taking. All the love that had been so carefully hidden had drifted to the surface for that brief moment … the brief moment she had looked straight in my face.

  I felt exposed … betrayed by my own inability to hide.

  And as well as feeling exposed, I felt ashamed.

  After a few minutes, I made my excuses and went to the Ladies … or pretended to.