It started to snow. The flakes softly floated down sticking to my hair and eyelashes. I quickened my pace to a jog to hurry home. As my loop around the block was completing, I saw James getting out of his car. I bit my bottom lip for courage. “James.”
He stopped walking toward the house and turned to face me; his expression was cold. My mind raced as I approached him. Now that I had his attention, I didn’t know how to begin. I stood in front of him silently and shivered.
“Hi.”
“Hey.”
I crossed my arms to keep warm as we looked at each other awkwardly. The snowfall became more dense and shivering tremors gently shook my body.
James looked toward his house. “I’ve got to get inside.” He turned away and started to walk toward his front door.
“James. Stop. Can we talk?” He turned around and we made eye contact. “Please.” He walked back toward me and stopped about a foot away. “Why are you avoiding me?” Tears flooded my eyes blurring my vision. He didn’t reply but looked at me with a cold stare. I blinked, and my tears flowed freely as I stood in front of him shivering with my teeth chattering. “James?”
“Jesus, Tati. It’s fucking snowing.” He moved again toward his house.
Frustration fueled me, and I shouted, “I don’t care that it’s fucking snowing!” I took a calming breath. “Tell me why you are avoiding me.” Strong shivers rolled through my body, my tears mixing with snow on my face. Dense snowflakes collected in my hair and I felt the chill dampening my scalp.
“Really, Tatiana? You don’t know?” His eyes shot daggers.
“No, James. I don’t know because you won’t talk to me. I don’t get it! One second, we’re sitting together at lunch and I’m looking into your eyes thinking we were about to kiss and then the next second you’re running off saying ‘I can’t do this’. You just left me there and you haven’t talked to me since. I deserve an explanation.” I was met with silence and a lack of eye contact.
“You’re my best friend, James, more than that even. I miss you and have been reaching out to you, but you don’t even seem to care!” My crying turned to sobs and my shivering intensified.
“You think I don’t care? Jesus, Tati! If anything, I care too fucking much! You say you’re into me, but the second that
Dashiell guy moves here, it’s like I don’t fucking exist.”
“Bullshit! That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“Really? You’re telling me it’s bullshit? No! I have eyes, Tatiana! That guy has his hands all over you - on your hips, your ass, around your waist, rubbing your back, kissing you, and you didn’t even try to move away, and I was right there, Tati, I was right fucking there watching him touch you and you just stood there and let him!
“And you know what? You’re right I totally was about to kiss you in the cafeteria! I wanted to kiss you so fucking bad, but then I catch your boyfriend, Dashiell, looking at you with this fucking smirk on his face and I couldn’t stand it! That’s why I left.
“And then once lunch was over, like not even ten fucking minutes after I left, I see him with his fucking arm around you in the hall and he’s stroking your hair and kissing you when you leave to go to class? I saw you! And you’re standing there with him in the middle of the fucking hallway WITH HIS FUCKING HANDS ALL OVER YOU LIKE HE’S CLAIMING HIS TERRITORY IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
AND YOU’RE LOVING EVERY MINUTE WITH THAT ASSHOLE! TELL ME HOW THAT’S BULLSHIT!”
His eyes flashed in anger as he continued, “And then yesterday I see him hugging and kissing you at lunch and YOU’RE LOOKING RIGHT FUCKING AT ME AS HE DID IT LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL! I CAN’T DEAL WITH THAT!”
Sobs and deep shivers wracked my body. My emotions and body were completely out of control. “Oh my god! James! I want you! I want to kiss you! I have been trying to be with YOU for two days now!
“You know why Dashiell was smiling at us as we were about to kiss? Because he was happy for me. He could tell we were really into each other. He told me so! You know why his arm was around me and he was kissing me in the hall? He was giving me a pep talk because I was telling him how I got bullied by Brittany and about how much I like you and want to be your girlfriend, but you bolted out of lunch and it made me sad and confused! We were talking about how much I want to be with you!
“And yesterday? I was crying in the cafeteria because you wouldn’t talk to me or sit with me and wouldn’t tell even tell me why and he was comforting me because he’s my friend!
“And, yes, I know he’s touchy feely, but he’s like that with everyone and if you gave it half a chance to get to know him you’d know that it means nothing! And he has a girlfriend that he is deeply in love with! GOD! WHY DON’T YOU GET IT? YOU’RE JEALOUS AND TREATING ME LIKE SHIT FOR NO REASON!”
I paused and my chest heaved, my exhalations turning to translucent white puffs in the frigid air. My tears began to freeze on my eyelashes and the shivering was violent. I couldn’t look at James anymore – his gaze stayed cold. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.
Looking down at my feet, I spoke softly, “I really thought you and I had something special, James, and I though we wanted the same thing, but I guess I was wrong. Whatever it was we had is obviously over. All of it. We’re done.” I looked up and caught James’ eyes. “I deserve better than this.”
I turned and ran to my house without looking back.
10
My parents heard the argument and met me on the porch. They comforted me when I got back inside. They immediately wrapped me in blankets and had me sip on hot ginger tea. They held me as I shivered and cried. When I finally stopped shivering, my mamma drew me a warm bubble bath and let me soak until my fingertips wrinkled.
Once I was dressed in flannel pajamas, a sweatshirt, and fuzzy socks, they wrapped me back in a blanket on the couch, one on each side of me, and they listened as I told them about my fight with James. They put me to bed and sat with me until I fell asleep. I awakened often and replayed the past few days in my head. As much as I hated to admit it, my friendship with James had come to an end.
✽✽✽
Early the next morning, I video chatted with Janey. It had been a while since we’d been able to talk, and I wanted her perspective on things.
Janey: Hey Tati-bear! How are you? Oh my god what’s wrong?
Me: Do you have time to talk?
Janey: I have time. What happened? Are you ok?
Me: I’m so confused. I thought things were going great with James, but we got in this huge fight last night. Like screaming at each other. I jus-
Janey: You don’t scream at people. Ever. What the hell happened?
Me: I don’t even know anymore. Like, I totally thought we were going to kiss and start something a few days ago, and I wanted to so badly! But Dash just moved here and -
Janey: Wait, Dash moved there? Oh my god! I love that for you! That’s amazing!
Me: Yeah, he just moved. I’m excited, but so not the point right now!
Janey: Sorry, I just really miss him. I love Dash! Go on.
Me: Anyway, Dash shows up at school - surprise! - and is like full-on Dash, you know?
Janey: Adorable, overly friendly, and hands all over you?
Me: Yes! You get it. Like he’s super handsy right? But he’s like that with everyone.
Janey: Totally.
Me: So I wasn’t even thinking about it, like it’s just Dash. I don’t feel anything for him when he touches me besides thinking he’s like … I don’t know, like my favorite pair of sweats, like cozy and comfy and familiar, but that’s it.
Janey: Yes! That’s such a great way to describe him! For me Dash is like warm fuzzy socks! Totally! It’s like the best feeling to have your feet all snoodled, but like, you’re not leaving the house with them on and it’s not some #metoo moment or a turn-on or anything to wear socks.
Me: Right? Exactly! Sorry besides the point, but kinda the point - he’s so much hotter now - he’s been working out a ton!
Janey: No shit?
Me: You should video chat with him.
Janey: I will. Back to your story, boo.
Me: Anyway, James didn’t talk to me for like two days because he’s jealous of Dash even though as soon as Dash first sat down with us, my attention was fully on James and wanting to kiss him. And then last night James is screaming at me about how Dash’s hands were all over me. Janey, literally screaming at me out front of his house in a snowstorm! And I was screaming back because he wasn’t getting it! I want to be with James so bad, Janey! I told him I want to be his girlfriend. I told him Dash has a girlfriend that he’s in love with. I put it all out there and he just screamed at me and looked at me like I was trash. My heart hurts and now it’s over. I can’t even … his face… it was so angry. I’ve never been yelled at like that!
I began to sob hard fast tears and Janey waited a moment before responding.
Janey: Tati-bear, it’s ok. I wish I could hug you ... What are you going to do?
Me: I don’t even know if I can do anything! He won’t listen. He hates me. He’s my best friend here and the guy I want to be with and he hates me ... It’s over.
Janey: Tati, try to stop crying. You’re making my heart hurt because I can’t hold you … take a breath … that’s good. One more … Breathe, Tati ... Do you want a pep talk or tough love?
Me: Both?
Janey: Ok, first the tough love… maybe he’s not the guy for you. He stirs up too much drama in your life and makes you feel like crap.
Me: No! That’s why I’m devastated! Normally, it’s so easy with him. Like it usually feels so positive. And I know if Dash hadn’t shown up we’d be together right now. It doesn’t feel wrong to be with him. It’s this jealousy over Dash that is so wrong and the fact he wouldn’t listen when I was trying to explain - that’s what ruined it.
Janey: Ok, I see your point, and maybe he’s into you and is just completely out of his mind jealous, but, Tati, here’s the thing, he still treated you like shit! Stop making excuses. If you are telling him and showing him that you want him and not anyone else and he still doesn’t get it? You’re too good for him! You deserve a partner who’s actually going to trust you
and believe in you and not be some jealous shit. Like what if it’s Dash this time, but, like, another friend next time, or your study partner or whatever? What if you go through this every time a guy is within 5 feet of you? If he’s this jealous before you are even officially his girlfriend that scares me! … Tati, don’t cry ... I’m sorry, but the truth hurts sometimes, and you need to hear this right now. I can’t stand to see what this fight did to you! I have never seen you this sad before over a fucking boy! I have never seen you this sad before ever! You let him have all this power over you, and I hate him for it! You deserve to be treated so much better and with so much more respect! … I’m sorry, Tati-bear, I am. I love you so much. Please don’t cry.
Me: I love you, too. I can’t help it though. I get what you’re saying. I really do and I know you’re right, but –
Janey: No but. I’m right.
Me: You are, but your perspective is skewed because you don’t know James. You’ve never seen how we usually are around each other. I really think it’s just about Dash, not other guys bec- Don’t look at me like that, Janey! Look, I’m not
excusing his behavior. I’ve been thinking all night about this. Just listen!
Janey: Fine. I’m listening.
Me: James and I were so close to being together, like seconds from kissing for the first time, and Dash comes on strong – he is a lot to process if you’ve never met him, you know that – and I can understand why James was upset by all the touching and the timing of it. I really can see his perspective, too. I mean I’m jealous of his ex, too, so I get it. God, I am so confused! … I love being around him. There’s normally such a connection and spark between us that feels so … like I feel like I was meant to know him and be with him ... I just didn’t see this coming. I didn’t think he’d treat me like that and I won’t have that drama in my life. I know I deserve better and I told him as much.
Janey: Princess. You are such a sweet, trusting romantic. I love that about you! You truly believe in the good in people … I’m really sorry I made you cry. And I am proud of you for standing up for yourself to him and for telling him you deserve more. That was brave and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to
walk away from someone you have feelings for… Look, I know you have it bad for him and I can tell you still want to be with him, but before you try to fix things, please just think with your head not your heart from here on out. Ok? Really think about if he’s good for you or is this shit’s going to keep happening? Promise me you’ll think about it. And promise me you’ll stay strong and fight for what you deserve.
Me: I will. I promise.
Janey: Ok, I owe you a pep talk to make it up to you … Princess Tati, love of my life, my best friend, my soul sister, you are the most amazing person I know. You are so kind, empathetic, strong, intelligent, selfless, and the nest friend anyone could ever be blessed to have. You are so stunningly beautiful on the outside, but your soul and your heart … Tatiana, your inner beauty is perfection. You deserve so much happiness in your life and I want that for you. You are so special, and I wish you could see what I see. You deserve someone who will treat you like the goddess you are.
Me: I love you, Janey. Thank you for being my best friend ... I miss you so much. Thanks for the talk.
Janey: You know I am here for you. Always. Bye, Princess Tati.
Me: Bye, Janey-bear.
After the emotional talk with Janey, I craved fresh air. I looked outside at the collected snow and dressed in my warmest running gear, including a beanie and gloves. I went into the kitchen and kissed both my parents.
“I’m going for a quick run, ok? I just need to get out of the house for a bit. It’s super cold, so I’m only doing three miles.”
My mom was the first to reply, “Tati, I’m worried about you getting sick after last night. You were hypothermic and your emotional body has been stressed the past few days. Maybe you should stay home today?”
“Let her go, Zoya. She needs this. It’s part of her emotional healing process and you, of all people, should get that. She can soak in a hot bath when she gets back, and she’ll still have plenty of time to relax or have you do a Reiki session with her before company comes.” My mamma gave me a nod and pointed to the door. “Go, Tati, but if you are not
back within 30 minutes you’re in trouble. Got it?”
“I promise. I’ll be quick.” I smiled at her, hugged my mom, and set out. I walked to warm up and then ran at a slow pace, my body releasing the ache from the long run and deep convulsive shivering from the night before. As my feet crunched through the snow and my muscles stretched, I felt better physically and emotionally. I hit the turnaround point and headed back to the house, as promised. I looked forward to the day ahead, to spending time with some of my favorite people on the planet. It was Thanksgiving and I was thankful for my parents.
✽✽✽
One of the benefits of being a military family is the genuine support structure from our peers. They all understand the need to quickly form strong bonds with the people around you, so it was no surprise that my family was hosting a houseful of people tonight.
My parents decided to have a potluck and anyone who wanted to could come to dinner if they brought something to
share. Finn and his parents arrived first. As we introduced everyone and the conversation flowed, Finn pulled me off to the side. We sat together in a big chair and he rested his head on my shoulder.
“Talk to me. What are you doing, T?”
“Finn, I can’t even tell you. James is jealous of Dash and we had this huge screaming match. I think we are done.”
Finn sighed. “This may be an unpopular opinion, but I can see why he’s jealous. Dashiell is smoking hot and he looks at you in a way that – you can tell you have a
history, like he knows you better than any of us and he was touching and kissing you a lot.
“Seriously, T, James looked like someone ran over his puppy when I saw him in the bathroom after 2nd period the other day. That’s why I left lunch. I saw the hurt in James’ face when he was watching you and Dash together. I couldn’t sit there and not say something about it.”
“I know. I figured as much once I thought through things last night. I get it. But the part James won’t even try to understand is that Dash and I have zero chemistry other than
being friends. There is no chance of us ever getting together. Dash is like that with everyone not just me.”
Finn laughed. “Oh, I know. He and Samuel came over to watch a movie last night. Dash sat in the middle and he snuggled with his arms around us the whole time and then he and Samuel fell asleep spooning and I got a bit jealous. It was both heavenly and torture for me ... I am crushing hard, T. Why can’t he be gay?” We both laughed. “But seriously, Tati? You and James seem like you’re a couple already, it’s obvious that’s where it was headed, and if I were him, I would have reacted the same way.”
“I understand the why, Finn. I just hated the how. His avoidance really hurt me. I just wish he’d talk to me about it. And now it’s over.”
“Yeah, but I think it’s worth trying to work things out if you can. Maybe you can get past this. He’s a really good guy, T, and he cares for you so much.”
I sighed deeply and we sat there for a few minutes in silence when the doorbell rang. It was Dashiell and his parents. Finn bounded over to give him a hug and I
quickly followed.
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