Always

by Amie Forgeron

  “It’s really pretty out today. Blue skies! It’s cold, but the sun is shining. Mom and I were thinking of doing that nice long run you like. Want to?” She pointed to James. “I think it might be time.” I nodded in agreement.

  I sat up and shook him awake. “J...” He groaned. “James, wake up.”

  “Tati, stop.”

  “Mamma wants to talk to you.” I smiled at her.

  Upon realizing my mamma was in the room and he was still in my bed he was suddenly wide awake. He flipped over and sat upright. “Iris! Oh god! I’m sorry, I - nothing happened! I swear!”

  My mamma softly laughed. “ I know that, James. I came in to tell you both to get dressed. Dress warmly. We are going for a very long family run in thirty minutes. Not excuses! It’s tradition!” She winked at me and I smiled. We both knew this was t he best thing for him – he could run to get out of his head for a while a just be present in the rhythm of it.

  My mamma walked around to the other side of the bed, leaned down, smoothed the hair out of his eyes, and kissed

  the top of his head. “Don’t stress yourself out over something that isn’t an issue.” She closed the door behind her as she said, “Thirty minutes!”

  James turned to me with a sheepish look on his face. “Your parents are the nicest people I have ever met.” I kissed his cheek as I jumped out of bed.

  “I know. Up and at ‘em lazy bones! We’ve got to get running! It’s a tradition!” I was out the door in a flash to get ready for the day.

  ✽✽✽

  After our family run, James was in much better spirits. His eyes were brighter, and he even smiled a few times on the way back. We all spent the rest of the day baking another batch of cookies and watching TV. My mamma made Korean food for dinner using my grandma’s recipes and we played Yahtzee afterwards.

  When we were all getting ready for bed, James came into my room and closed the door. He walked toward me and held his hands behind his back.

  “Guess which hand?” He grinned.

  I smiled at his change in demeanor. “Mmmmm left.”

  “Nope.”

  “Ok, right then!”

  He gasped as he presented a small package to me with his right hand. “I can’t believe you guessed! Take it.”

  “What is it?”

  “Christmas present.”

  “But I didn’t get you anything!”

  “Tati, you gave me the greatest gift of all.”

  “What? That cheap frame with a picture of us? I got it at the dollar store.”

  “No, Tatiana. You mean so much to me. Your friendship. Your fam- family.” He started to cry. I wiped his tears away. He took a few deep breaths. “Open it.”

  I opened the box and inside there was a delicate silver necklace with a heart-shaped charm made from a gray crystal. He was smiling brightly. “James! This is so beautiful. You didn’t have to get me anything.”

  “I wanted to. Beth helped me pick it out a couple weeks ago. That’s smoky quartz. It’s supposed to keep you grounded or something? It reminded me of your eyes. Do you like it?”

  “James, I love it! I’ll wear it tomorrow!” I placed the necklace on my dresser and wrapped my arms around him tightly. We stayed in the embrace for a while and as we were pulling away he looked me in the eyes.

  “Tati, I meant what I said. You mean so much to me.”

  I hugged him again tightly and he leaned down to kiss me sweetly on my lips. “Good night, Cheetah-girl.”

  “Good night, Bodyguard.” He left my room and closed the door. He stayed in his own room that night.

  ✽✽✽

  As the days of our winter break dwindles, my parents were back at work after the holiday. Dr. Kang recommended that we get into a regular routine to help James, so every day, we’d eat a light breakfast and then James and I would go for a run at the indoor track if it was snowing or outside when we could.

  After our run, we’d eat lunch and then go to the library, the gym, or to a yoga class at the studio where my mom taught. The rest of the afternoon we’d do chores, read, take a walk, or play board games until my parents got home when we would all eat dinner together.

  There were many times when James needed his space and a few days when his deep grief would hit hard, but with the tips from the psychologist he recovered a bit better each time that happened. He visited Dr. Kang twice that week and my mom had a few Reiki sessions with him. It seemed to help.

  It was weird having James living with us, but also really nice to have him around. We weren’t doing many boyfriend-girlfriend things like cuddling or kissing. I missed it, but I knew that he needed a friend more than anything now.

  ✽✽✽

  Ava called to invite us to a New Year’s Eve party at her house. I really wanted to go because I hadn’t seen my friends for the entire vacation. James wasn’t on board with being

  social yet, so I decided to stay home with him.

  It turned out that my parents made plans a long time ago to go to a party at their friends’ house and they were staying there for the night. James and I would be on our own. Since we were staying home, I decided to plan some surprises for James for the night, so it would still feel festive.

  “I don’t understand why we have to get all dressed up if we are just staying here, Tati. Why can’t I just be comfortable?”

  “James, it’s New Year’s Eve! You don’t have to wear a tux or anything, just get out of your pajamas! And put on your party hat!”

  James sighed as he dragged his feet into his room to change. To feel festive, I was wearing a new outfit: black velvet leggings, a silky black t-shirt, and a super soft, oversized, pale pink cardigan. I’d left my hair down and pulled it back with the barrette Kelsey gave me for Christmas. I wore the beautiful necklace James gave me, too. Atop my head I wore a festive cardboard New Year’s Eve tiara that shed turquoise and silver glitter onto every surface of the house.

  I was organizing the final touches, when James appeared in front of me wearing his same pajamas, but he added a tie. I rolled my eyes. “James! Really? That’s how you want to celebrate New Year’s Eve?”

  “I put on a tie. Fancy, see?” I knew better than to argue. “I’m not wearing the hat. It’s glittery.”

  “Fine. You don’t have to wear the hat until we do the countdown to midnight, but then you have to put it on.”

  James rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation. “Ok so how does this work tonight?”

  I smiled my brightest smile and kissed him on the cheek. “James, if you’re not feeling this, it’s not a big deal. Ok? We can stop anytime.” He nodded. “OK! WHO’S READY FOR NEW! YEAR’S! EVE!”

  James flinched at the shouting. “I’m in, but maybe dial it back a bit?”

  I giggled and whispered, “Who’s ready for New Year’s Eve?” He cracked a smile, which was progress. “So this is how it works. As you can see, I have six balloons that have times written on them. At each timepoint, you’re going to pop

  the balloon and there is a message inside with an activity. Got it?”

  “Got it.”

  “What’s this? It’s 6:00 and I see we have a 6:00 balloon. Sir, will you do the honors?” I dramatically handed him a pin and he popped the balloon. As it popped, a few pieces of confetti and his message fell to the floor. He stooped down to retrieve the message. “Now read it to see what we do first!” I bounced up and down excitedly.

  “6:00 bake cupcakes. Tati … bake cupcakes?” He gave an uneasy look.

  “Yes! We are baking cupcakes!”

  He rolled his eyes and grimaced. “Tati, this is your fun plan?”

  “Come on, it will be fun! I promise!” He followed me into the kitchen. “Do you want chocolate or funfetti?”

  “Funfetti?”

  “Mmmmm FUNfetti it is! I thought it sounded festive. I’ve never had them before. Have you?”

  “Nope.”

  So far this wasn’t going as well as I had imagined, but I pressed on with forced
enthusiasm. “Ok, so I have all the ingredients ready: the mix, eggs, oil, water, cute little cupcake thingies. Ready?” I smiled and held out a mixing spoon to him. He looked miserable. I sighed and slumped. “Do you really not want to do this, James? I can bake them myself, it’s no big deal.”

  “Not really.”

  Trying to hide my disappointment, I faked a smile. “Ok. Why don’t you go do whatever you feel like and I’ll bake.” I busied myself with preheating the oven and placing the liners in the cupcake tin. I hoped he didn’t see the disappointment on my face.

  Without another word he settled himself on the couch to watch TV. I fought back tears as I tried to tell myself it wasn’t a big deal. I knew there was a chance he wasn’t ready for this kind of thing and now I regretted planning it. I silently prepped the cupcakes and put them in the oven. I set the timer on my phone and sat down next to him to wait.

  By 7:00, the cupcakes had been cooled and frosted. I decorated each one with sprinkles and a little plastic “Happy New Year” decoration, then prepped our dinner, spaghetti and salad. I brought the next balloon to James on the couch and popped it unenthusiastically. “7:00, make and eat dinner. It’s already done and ready for you.” I gave him a weak smile as he returned his attention to the loud action movie he’d chosen that I had absolutely no interest in. I brought over our plates and we ate silently while watching the movie. When we finished, I took off the glittery tiara and left it on the coffee table as I grabbed his empty plate. I did the dishes.

  Around 8:30, I noticed that James started another movie, so I brought him a cupcake. I went to my room, closed the door, and texted Janey.

  Me

  Hey love of my life! My best friend on the planet!

  You there?

  Me

  It’s nearly next year there, so happy new year!!!

  I love you!!!

  I wiped away the tears that spilled down my face. I sat there for about a half an hour hoping that Janey would reply, but she was probably out. I messaged her again.

  Me

  video chat soon? We have to do our resolutions!

  I miss your face.

  I put my phone on the nightstand and was contemplating what to do next when my phone alerted to a new message. Thinking it was Janey, I quickly picked up the phone. It was a message from Dashiell that was a selfie video of Finn, Samuel, and him at Ava’s party. They were wearing gold glittery hats and were blowing noisemakers. Dashiell shouted into the camera, “Hey Sweets! Thinking of you! Happy almost new year!!! Hope James is ok. We love you!”

  I contemplated for a few moments what to do next. I thought about forcing the issue with James since I knew he’s like some of the other things I had planned, but that seemed like a terrible idea the more I thought about it. After all, I did tell him we didn’t have to do it if he didn’t want to, so I had no right to be mad at him. I thought to take a bubble bath and go

  to bed early, but I loved New Year’s Eve and that idea made me feel pathetic.

  I looked at Dashiell’s message again and walked out to the living room. “Hey, since my idea for us was completely ridiculous, do you mind if I go to Ava’s party for a while? You can come with me if you want. I’m only thinking I’ll stay an hour. Just to say hi to everyone for a bit.”

  James looked at me and shook his head. “I’m not up for that, but you go. It’s fine.”

  “Like ‘it’s fine’ meaning you would rather I stay here with you, or ‘it’s fine’ you want me to go?”

  James glared at me. “Tati, it’s fine! Jesus! Why do you have to overanalyze everything? Go to Ava’s if you want to go!”

  I nodded. “Yeah, ok... I’ll be back before midnight.” I pulled on Ugg boots, grabbed the car key and my wallet, and headed out the door. I cried the whole way to Ava’s house as I wished on a shooting star for James to find his happiness again.

  ✽✽✽

  Ava’s house was fairly quiet and her mom let me in when I rang the doorbell. It was obvious her mom had been drinking a lot that night and she seemed to be all by herself. She swayed as she looked at me. “Ohhhhh, hi, you’re one-one of Ava’s friends. They’re all downthestairs in the...”

  She led me to the basement party room and opened the door. Ava saw me standing at the top of the stairs and ran up to greet me tripping as she reached the top. She was dressed in a skimpy tropical print satin romper with spaghetti straps. It plunged nearly all the way down to the waistband in the front and the back and sides were completely uncovered to the waist. She tied her ensemble together with a sparkling rhinestone tiara and super tall wedge heels. “Hi Ava. You ...” I searched for kind words that would not come.

  “I know right? This romper! I loooove it! Don’t you love it?... Tonight’s the night with Mr. Grouchy Virgin Pants over there whether he wants to or not!”

  “Ava, be respec---”

  “OH! You should borrow something and dress up.” I shook my head. “Okaaay… um we ran out of food, but we have something better we’ve got my favorite guy, Darius, he’s over there on the couch staring at us...look at him he’s so...fuck I love…” Her filter was clearly off. I tensed.

  She gave a coy wave and stuck out her tongue at a clean-cut blond jock-type across the room, turned back to me, and grabbed my arm. “OH MY GOD, Tati! We played next-level ‘7-minutes in Heaven’…and, like…he made me feel soooo good. I wanted to scream. It was even hotter than the last time we- ohhhh shhhhit...” Her eyes grew wide and she stopped speaking. I was shocked to the point of speechless by what she said. My heart ached for sweet Dashiell.

  I tensely stood glaring at her for a moment. She closed her eyes, swaying, then giggled. “Wait! I forget … what was I saying? … Oh yeah! Darius brought vodka … and then we didn’t want to run out so he sneaked upstairs with me and helped me steal some! Wanna know a secret?”

  She dropped her voice to a loud whisper, “And he brought me … shhhh it’s a secret … marijuana gummy bears

  for us to eat together just me and him…I love him…”

  Her eyes closed for a moment and she swayed. I held her arm so she wouldn’t topple down the stairs. At my touch, her eyes opened widely and her focus resumed like an on-switch was flipped. “Want some vodka?” She giggled and swayed as she held up her pink plastic cup to me.

  “No. I don’t drink. I think you need to detox for the rest of the night, Ava. You weigh next to nothing and are getting dangerously drunk and high.”

  “I’m dangerously sexaaay, biiiiitch.” Ava rolled her eyes and lowered her cup. Her romper strap slipped down to her forearm and she threw her head back laughing hysterically. “That keeps happening!” She giggled looking down at her exposed breast as I adjusted the strap to cover her. “Come on Tati! Come to my party!”

  I held her arm as we walked down the stairs, afraid she might fall. When we got to the bottom of the stairs she shrieked, “Everyone, look who’s here!”

  There were about forty people crammed into the loud, dark basement that reeked of at least a dozen different

  body sprays and spilled beer. The majority were strangers to me and predominantly boys, but there were several girls who were dressed similarly to Ava. She quickly forgot me and rejoined her friends. She and another girl began dancing suggestively together in front of Darius and the other boys seated on the couch. I regretted coming.

  Dashiell saw me and ran over. He lifted me into a huge bear hug and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Tati, oh my gosh! It’s so good to see you! Happy new year!” He put me down and looked behind me. “No James?” I teared up a bit and shook my head. “Sorry, Sweets.”

  I beckoned him closer so I could talk into his ear. “You know Ava’s super drunk and high right? Like approaching danger level trashed if she doesn’t stop now. And she said things I really didn’t like hearing about some guy. Can we go somewhere and talk?”

  He looked over to Ava before he replied. “I hate when she drinks with her friends. She becomes this other person that’s … I’ll
make sure she’s safe. Sometimes I think, I don’t know, Tati …”

  He stopped talking and refocused on me. “Nope, I’m not thinking about this tonight! SWEET TATI! Happy New Year! I’m glad you’re here! I missed you. Come on.”

  He guided me with a firm hand on my back to where he and Finn were playing poker with some of Ava’s friends. Samuel was watching the game and looked bored. Finn and Samuel saw me approach and jumped up to give me long hugs. Samuel wiggled his phone at me so we could talk when Finn and Dashiell returned to the game.

  Samuel

  SO glad you’re here!!!! I hate this party!

  Samuel

  no james?

  Me

  no. he’s still not up for this

  Where’s Kels?

  Samuel

  flu

  Me

  Bummer!

  i’m not staying long. I feel bad leaving james

  Samuel

  how is he?

  Me

  not good. it’s been a really hard couple weeks. he lives with us now

  Samuel

  what?!?!

  Me

  his sisters are at college and his grandparents live 3 hours away. My mom didn’t want him in his big empty house all alone, so she invited him to stay with us for a while until things get sorted out.

  Samuel

  wow! Is it weird?

  Me

  Totally

  Samuel

  you look sad.

  Samuel: