WHAT IF ALL THESE THINGS DON’T WORK?
Sometimes enough damage has been done by gaslighters and gaslighting behaviors that it can feel like you are stuck and things aren’t going to get better. It’s important to remember that getting better takes time. Your all-or-nothing thinking may be telling you that because a treatment didn’t work right away that there are no more options. That is simply not true.
If you feel that you aren’t making any progress, ask yourself the following questions:
Have I fully committed to getting better? (Sometimes people hold on to old behaviors because they get secondary gains from them. You might be getting attention when you cause drama among your friends and family. You might be feeling a sense of power over being able to manipulate others.)
Have I gone into the treatment with a positive attitude? (Studies have found that if you go into therapy with positive expectations, you are more likely to have a good outcome.)
Keep in mind that treatments aren’t “one size fits all.” A treatment that worked for a friend of yours may not necessarily work for you. It can be frustrating, but once you find a treatment that is a good fit for you, things move along at a pretty good pace.
YOU MADE IT TO THE END
So, you’ve made it through the gaslighting maze. Congratulations! Hopefully you have gained a lot of information on how to cope with people that make your life very difficult (even if that also includes yourself).
One of the best ways to extract yourself from gaslighting is to limit or stop contact with gaslighters. However, in some situations, such as coparenting, this is not an option. In cases where you can’t get away from the gaslighter, it’s important to maintain healthy boundaries, seek out support, and consult mental health and legal professionals for additional help. If you work with or for a gaslighter, remember that there are laws that can protect you if you are harassed.
Gaslighters can wield a lot of power—not just in your family, but also on a national and international level. You learned how gaslighters can quickly turn into dictators and cult leaders, making it virtually impossible to know what is truth and fabricated truth. Having citizens that think independently is the bane of gaslighting leaders, so keep as educated about current events and gaslighting as possible. Gaslighting can be perpetuated by the media—if a news story seems biased or off, it usually is. It is your right to speak out as a concerned citizen, and also make your voice heard through voting.
Hope is eternal—there is always something you can do to make your life circumstances better, regardless of the severity of gaslighting to which you are subjected. Making positive changes—such as getting away from the gaslighter, setting boundaries, and speaking out—may not be easy at first, but the benefits of greater peace of mind, happier children, and better health are worth it.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
THANK YOU TO MY FAMILY, HUMAN AND CANINE—R. MICHAEL SITZ, William Moulton, Claude Moulton, Esq., Christine Whitney, Esq., Lucy Sarkis, Scamp Moulton, and Rocky Moulton. A very special thank you to editor Caroline Pincus, who made my writing make much more sense. Thank you to Renée Sedliar at Da Capo Press, who acquired the book and has been its champion, and to my agent, Carol Mann. Thank you to Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA, Roberto Olivardia, PhD, Jeremy S. Gaies, PsyD, Karl N. Klein, Esq., and Valerie Theng Mattherne, Esq., for consultation and support.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Stephanie Moulton Sarkis PhD is a bestselling author and therapist specializing in gaslighting. She is a Diplomate and Clinical Mental Health Specialist in Child and Adolescent Counseling with the American Mental Health Counselors Association. She is also a National Certified Counselor, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family and Circuit Mediator. Dr. Sarkis is the founder of the Sarkis Institute, and is a blogger for Psychology Today and The Huffington Post. She has a PhD, EdS, and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from the University of Florida. She is also an expert in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, chronic pain, and anxiety disorders. She is in private practice in Tampa, Florida. You can visit her website at www.stephaniesarkis.com.
ALSO BY STEPHANIE MOULTON SARKIS, PHD
Natural Relief for Adult ADHD
10 Simple Solutions to Adult ADHD
Adult ADD: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed
ADD and Your Money
Making the Grade with ADD
Executive Function Difficulty in Adults
RESOURCES
Adult Children of Alcoholics
www.adultchildren.org
Attorneys and Mental Health Professionals
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT)
www.aamft.org
American Bar Association
www.americanbar.com
American Mental Health Counselors Association
www.amhca.org
American Psychological Association
www.apa.org
National Association of Social Workers
www.socialworkers.org
Psychology Today Directory
www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
Caregiving
N. L. Mace. The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss. Boston: Grand Central Life & Style, 2012.
National Alliance for Caregiving
www.caregiving.org
Contacting US Officials and Agencies
Elected Officials
https://www.usa.gov/elected-officials
Government Agencies
https://www.usa.gov/agencies
Coparenting
J. S. Gaies and J. B. Morris. Mindful Co-parenting: A Child-Friendly Path Through Divorce. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 2014.
Our Family Wizard
www.ourfamilywizard.com
AppClose
www.appclose.com
2Houses
www.2houses.com
Cults and Recovery from Cults
Cult Education Institute
www.culteducation.com
Cult Research
www.cultresearch.org
Freedom of Mind Resource Center
www.freedomofmind.com
Domestic Violence
DomesticShelters.org
www.domesticshelters.org
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
www.thehotline.org
1-800-799-7233
Employee and Employer Rights
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)
www.eeoc.gov
EEOC: File a Charge of Employee Discrimination
https://publicportal.eeoc.gov
EEOC: Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964
https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/statutes/titlevii.cfm
Family Law Attorneys
Family Law Organization
www.familylaw.org
Help for Minors / Recovery from Childhood Abuse
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (US and Canada)
1-800-422-4453
www.childhelp.org/hotline
Child Welfare Information Gateway
State Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Numbers
https://www.childwelfare.gov/organizations
K. Roth and F. B. Friedman. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications Inc., 2004.
How Congress Voted
www.ballotpedia.org
www.congress.gov/roll-call-votes
www.govtrack.us
www.opensecrets.org
Legal Services
www.findlegalhelp.org
www.probono.net
US Department of Justice
https://www.justice.gov/eoir/list-pro-bono-legal-service-providers
Parent Adult Child Model
Thomas Harris. I’m OK—You’re OK. New York: Harper Perennial, 2004.
Personal Information Search We
bsites
www.instantcheckmate.com
www.peoplefinders.com
www.radaris.com
www.spokeo.com
www.zabasearch.com
Play Therapists
Association for Play Therapy
www.a4pt.org
Sexual Assault
National Sexual Assault Hotline
www.rainn.org
(800) 656-4673
STD Testing
Planned Parenthood
www.plannedparenthood.org
1-800-230-7526
Suicide Prevention
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
1-800-273-8255
REFERENCES
“Alexander Litvenenko: Profile of Murdered Russian Spy.” 2016. BBC News, January 21. Accessed February 20, 2018. http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-19647226.
American Psychiatric Association. 2013. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). American Psychiatric Publishing.
Bernstein, D. 2017. “Blago: His Life in Prison.” Chicago, September. http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/October-2017/Blago-His-Life-in-Prison/.
Boeckel, M. G., A. Wagner, and R. Grassi-Oliveira. 2017. “The Effects of Intimate Partner Violence Exposure on the Maternal Bond and PTSD Symptoms of Children.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 32 (7): 1127–1142.
Boyle, R. 2015. “Employing Trafficking Laws to Capture Elusive Leaders of Destructive Cults.” Oregon Review of International Law 17 (2), St. John’s Legal Studies Research Paper No. 15-0030. https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2690453.
Byers, P. 2017. “Facebook estimating 126 million people were served content from Russia-linked pages.” CNN Media, October 31.
Center for Responsive Politics. 2017. National Rifle Association. https://www.opensecrets.org/orgs/summary.php?id=d000000082.
Cialdini, R. 2009. Influence: Science and Practice. 5th ed. Boston: Allyn and Bacon.
Cloud, D. S. 2017. “Lawmakers Slam Social Media Giants for Failing to Block Russian Ads and Posts During 2016 Campaign.” Los Angeles Times, November 1. http://www.latimes.com/nation/la-na-social-media-russia-20171101-story.html.
Donatone, B. “The Coraline Effect: The Misdiagnosis of Personality Disorders in College Students Who Grew Up with a Personality Disordered Parent.” Journal of College Student Psychotherapy 30, no. 3 (2016): 187–196.
Ellison, S. 2017. “Everybody Knew: Inside the Fall of Today’s Matt Lauer.” Vanity Fair, November 29. Accessed January 21, 2018. https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2017/11/inside-the-fall-of-todays-matt-lauer.
Ellman, M. 2002. “Soviet Repression Statistics: Some comments” Europe-Asia Studies 54(7): 1151–1172.
Fisher, M. 2013. “Kim Jong Un Just Had His Own Uncle Killed. Why?” Washington Post. December 12. Accessed April 13, 2018. https://www.washington post.com/news/worldviews/wp/2013/12/12/kim-jong-un-just-had-his-own-uncle-killed-why/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.a136e244dd9c.
Goffard, C. 2017. “Dirty John.” Audio blog post, September 11–October 8. https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dirty-john/id1272970334?mt=2.
Gregory, S., R. J. Blair, A. Simmons, V. Kumari, S. Hodgins, and N. Blackwood. 2015. “Punishment and Psychopathy: A Case-Control Functional MRI Investigation of Reinforcement Learning in Violent Antisocial Personality Disordered Men.” Lancet Psychiatry 2 (2): 153–160.
Hahn, T. N. 1992. Peace Is Every Step. New York: Bantam.
Harris, K. J., E. Gringart, and D. Drake. 2017. “Leaving Ideological Groups Behind: A Model of Disengagement.” Behavioral Sciences of Terrorism and Political Aggression, 1–19.
Hayes, C. 2017. “Venezuelan President Eats Empanada on Live TV While Addressing Starving Nation.” Newsweek, November 3. Accessed February 20, 2018. http://www.newsweek.com/venezuelan-president-eats-empanada-live-tv-while-addressing-starving-nation-701050.
International Labour Organization. 2012. “New ILO Global Estimate of Forced Labour: 20.9 million victims.” June 1. http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/newsroom/news/WCMS_182109/lang-en/index.htm.
Isaac, M., and S. Shane. 2017. “Facebook to Deliver 3,000 Russia-Linked Ads to Congress on Monday.” New York Times, October 1. https://nyti.ms/2yChMiJ.
Jaffe, P., M. Campbell, K. Reif, J. Fairbairn, and R. David. 2017. “Children Killed in the Context of Domestic Violence: International Perspectives from Death Review Committees.” Pp. 317–343 in Domestic Homicides and Death Reviews. London: Palgrave Macmillan.
Jowett, G. S., and V. O’Donnell. 2018. Propaganda & Persuasion. 7th ed. New York: Sage Publications.
Kennedy, M. 2017. “NPR’s Head of News Resigns Following Harassment Allegations.” NPR, November 1. http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/11/01/561363158/nprs-head-of-news-resigns-following-harassment-allegations.
Kessler, G. 2018. “Fact-checking President Trump’s ‘Fake News Awards.’” Washington Post, January 17. Accessed January 16, 2018. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2018/01/17/fact-checking-president-trumps-fake-news-awards/?utm_term=.5481bbd6a6d5.
Knopp, K., S. Scott, L. Ritchie, G. K. Rhoades, H. J. Markman, and S. M. Stanley. 2017. “Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 46 (8): 2301–2311.
Kraus, A. 2016. “Parental Alienation: The Case for Parentification and Mental Health.” PhD diss., Colorado State University.
Kübler-Ross, E., and D. Kessler. 2014. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Kurtzleben, D. 2018. “Chart: How Have Your Members of Congress Voted on Gun Bills?” NPR. February 19, 2018. Accessed April 8, 2018. https://www.npr.org/2018/02/19/566731477/chart-how-have-your-members-of-congress-voted-on-gun-bills.
Lisi, B. 2017. “Venezuelan President Maduro Sneaks Bite of Empanada Tucked into Desk Drawer During State Broadcast.” New York Daily News, November 2. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/president-maduro-sneaks-bite-empanada-state-broadcast-article-1.3607158.
Madrigal, A. C. 2018. “‘Most’ People on Facebook May Have Had Their Accounts Scraped.” Atlantic, April 4, 2018. Accessed April 4, 2018. https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2018/04/most-people-on-facebook-may-have-had-their-accounts-scraped/557285/.
Matthews, C. H., and C. F. Salazar. 2014. “Second-Generation Adult Former Cult Group Members’ Recovery Experiences: Implications for Counseling.” International Journal for the Advancement of Counselling 36 (2): 188–203.
McDonald, S. E., E. A. Collins, A. Maternick, N. Nicotera, S. Graham-Bermann, F. R. Ascione, and J. H. Williams. 2017. “Intimate Partner Violence Survivors’ Reports of Their Children’s Exposure to Companion Animal Maltreatment: A Qualitative Study.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 0886260516689775.
Merriam-Webster. 2018. “Propaganda.” Accessed January 18, 2018. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/propaganda.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. 2017. Accessed December 27, 2017. http://www.ncadv.org.
National Sexual Violence Resource Center. 2012, 2013, 2015. “Statistics About Sexual Violence.” Accessed February 26, 2018. https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf
Oxford University Press. 2017. “Frenemy.” Oxford English Dictionary Online. http://www.oed.com.
Patrick, W. 2017. “The Dangerous First Date.” Psychology Today, December, 44–45.
Popken, B. 2017. “Russian Troll Tweets Duped Global Media and 40+ Celebrities.” NBCNews.com, November 4. https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/social-media/trump-other-politicians-celebs-shared-boosted-russian-troll-tweets-n817036.
Radcliffe, J. “Rasputin and the Fragmentation of Imperial Russia.” 2017. Young Historian’s Conference, Portland State University. Accessed April 13, 2018. Available at https://pdxscholar.library.pdx.edu.
Radtke, M. 2017. “When War Is B
ad Advice: Dictators, Ministerial Cronyism, and International Conflict.” Accessed April 13, 2018. http://www.people.fas.harvard.edu/~jkertzer/HISC2017/schedule/papers/Radtke.pdf.
RGJ Archives. “Full Text of Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick’s Obituary.” 2013. Reno Gazette-Journal, September 10. Republished June 2014.
Romm, T. and K. Wagner. 2017. “Facebook Says 126 Million People in the U.S. May Have Seen Posts Produced by Russian-Government-Backed Agents.” Recode, October 30. https://www.recode.net/2017/10/30/16571598/read-full-testimony-facebook-twitter-google-congress-russia-election-fake-news.
Ryall, J. 2017. “Did Kim Jong-un Kill His Uncle and Brother Over ‘Coup Plot Involving China’?” Telegraph. August 24. Accessed April 13, 2018. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/08/24/did-kim-jong-un-kill-uncle-brother-coup-plot-involving-china/.
Sarkis, S. 2017. “11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting.” Here, There, and Everywhere (blog). PsychologyToday.com, September 28. Accessed February 28, 2018. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting.
Setoodeh, R., and E. Wagmeister 2017. “Matt Lauer Accused of Sexual Harassment by Multiple Women.” Variety. November 29. Accessed January 21, 2018. http://variety.com/2017/biz/news/matt-lauer-accused-sexual-harassment-multiple-women-1202625959/.
Slavtcheva-Petkova, V. 2017. “Fighting Putin and the Kremlin’s Grip in Neo-authoritarian Russia: The Experience of Liberal Journalists.” Journalism, 1464884917708061.
Swanson, J. W., N. A. Sampson, M. V. Petukhova, A. M. Zaslavsky, P. S. Appelbaum, M. S. Swartz, and R. C. Kessler. 2015. “Guns, Impulsive Angry Behavior, and Mental Disorders: Results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R).” Behavioral Sciences & the Law 33, no. 2–3: 199–212.
Treisman, D. 2017. Democracy by Mistake. (No. w23944). National Bureau of Economic Research.
US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. 2017. “Sexual Harassment.” https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/sexual_harassment.cfm.
Gaslighting Page 25