by Kat Bostick
The thing about making life-altering decisions was that it wasn’t a clean cut. Mari couldn’t simply step away from her old life with no baggage. Whether or not they were good to her, she had family. She had friends. There were people she cared about that were now left in the dark about who and what she was. Aubrey didn’t even know where she was.
“What’s on your mind, sweet Mari?” Jasper glanced over his shoulder as he made the bed.
That was another issue with them sharing a space. Mari was a slob. Jasper was not. She knew it was irritating him that she didn’t pick up her dirty laundry or so much as fluff her pillow before getting up in the morning. But hey, he wanted her there. She was who she was.
Yeah, that attitude was going to help her budding relationship.
“Huh? Oh, your birthday.” She shrugged, possibly because she was picking up on Jasper’s bad lying body language. By the look on his face, he knew it. “I feel bad that I didn’t get you anything. The cake was supposed to be your gift. I don’t have a lot of cash to spare and I was hoping to save for Christmas gifts. I have a lot more people to buy for this year.”
“If you need money—”
“I know, I know.” She cut him off before they could slip into that argument again. Jasper had money. A lot of money. Jasper also didn’t use money, aside from contributing to the pack, so it was mostly just sitting there in investment accounts, growing exponentially. That didn’t mean Mari felt right using it. She could earn her own money, thank you very much. “But I’m not going to use your money to buy you a birthday gift.”
“What’s mine is supposed to be yours.” He perched on the edge of the bed, sighing.
Mari chewed her lip. “That’s going to take some getting used to.”
Not to mention, it still made her feel too vulnerable. Being completely reliant on Jasper when they’d only just decided to make their relationship official put her in a weird place. Well, Mari had only just decided. He had his mind made up on their first full moon together, when he offered her a traditional mating gift. Being the smart woman that she was, Mari accepted without having any clue what it meant and permanently bound herself to a werewolf that, at the time, couldn’t change or talk.
On the bright side, she liked the idea of permanence with him.
“Come here, honeysuckle.” Jasper said softly.
The problem with being mated to a werewolf was that it went way beyond a marriage when it came to boundaries. They were bound by magic so strong that it tied their souls together. He could experience flickers of her emotions if she didn’t keep them in check, could tell something was on her mind even when she claimed it wasn’t. That meant he probably knew when she was second-guessing herself. Mari hated that he could sense that. She didn’t want to make him feel unwanted.
But she also couldn’t help that she was struggling. In the last six months, her entire life was turned upside down and it all started with him. Not that it was Jasper’s fault. Mari could wholly accept that it was the meddling hands of the divine that brought them together. That didn’t mean she wasn’t pissed at those hands. And her ancestors, for that matter. Thanks to them, she ended up homeless with a coven of black witches after her. Thanks to them, she got stabbed.
Her tattoo was ruined, too.
Now she was getting herself worked up. That was why Mari tried not to think about Lyse or anything that happened before the hunter’s moon. This was supposed to be her fresh start and she just wanted to feel fresh, dammit!
Mari plopped onto her back next to Jasper. “How was your change?” She asked before he could say anything too serious.
“Fast.”
“That’s good.”
“Mari…” Jasper heaved out a defeated breath. Damn her. He hadn’t even started the conversation yet and he already felt defeated? This was supposed to get easier, not more complicated.
She grabbed his arm and yanked him back to lie beside her. “Stop worrying so much. You’ll make your forehead all wrinkly. You’re too pretty for wrinkles.”
He chuckled. “It’s hard not to worry now that I have so much to worry over.”
Mari jabbed her pointer finger into her chest. “You’re worried over little ol’ me? Pfft. When do I ever do anything worrisome?”
He pulled her on top of him. “Only every minute from the moment you wake up.”
“Am I really that bad?”
“Terrible.” He kissed one cheek bone then the other. “You drive me mad, little witch.”
She tracked his lips until she caught one of his kisses. “Someone has to keep you on your toes.”
“Is that what you’re doing?”
“Checking your massive werewolf ego? Yup.” She kissed him again. “But I’ll tell you what. Today you get a pass. I’ll do my very best to be the least worrisome gal you’ve ever met.”
Jasper added to their kiss count with a peck to her bottom lip. “And why would you do that?”
“It’s your birthday! You can have whatever you want on your birthday.”
“Whatever I want?” A wicked glint lit his green eyes, one that made her equal parts excited and nervous.
“Well, um, yeah.” She swallowed. “Whatever you want.”
Jasper’s fingers made a teasing journey along the bottom of her shirt, slowly slipping beneath to caress the skin on her stomach. She had a pretty clear idea about where this was going.
Apparently she was wrong. Jasper suddenly flipped them so that their heads rested on his pillow, nestled up against her chest, and closed his eyes. “Hold me while I sleep.”
“A nap? That’s what you want for your birthday?” She tried to sit up but he dragged her back down.
“Yes.”
“Clem was right. Werewolves really are lazy.”
He leaned over and bit down on the soft flesh of her bottom lip, flashing a toothy smile when she jolted. “Let me know how tired you are the next time you shift shapes and run twenty miles in one morning.”
“Touché, Red.”
That was an excuse and Mari knew it. Jasper hadn’t said anything—he never complained—but he wasn’t sleeping well. Some nights he was out with Charlie or one of the others, prowling the perimeter of the massive property that made up Charlie’s estate. Though Lyse and her coven never penetrated the boundaries of their inner territory, the wolves were obsessively securing them.
Other nights, he was restless, tossing and turning in his sleep, dreaming vividly enough to wake him. She worried that it might be her presence in his bed that was causing the disruption. The magic she inherited from her father’s side—dream magic that dipped into the minds of others and revealed parts of themselves that they didn’t always want to share—was a complete unknown. Dad refused to talk about it and Mari had little to go on. Was it possible that just as his dreams could carry over to her, her dreams could leak into his head? There was no lack of nightmares on her end.
The only way to find out was to keep doing what she was doing. At least until she had a better source for answers besides Clem’s suggested experimentation.
Mari rolled over, letting Jasper’s body cradle hers. There was no way she was going to sleep this early in the day but she could oblige him and enjoy the peace of the moment. It would probably be the only quiet time they got together all day. Or maybe in their entire lives. Pack life was hectic.
She shut her eyes and listened to the gentle sound of his breathing. Every relationship had rough patches, didn’t it? Theirs was more dramatic than most, which was to be expected considering the circumstances that led them to where they were. Most relationships didn’t start with double homicide and lead to living in a werewolf compound.
Yup, soon everything would be just peachy. Mari could only hope that soon started tonight and Jasper’s birthday party would be drama free. Suddenly she was really looking forward to the obscenely priced bottle of wine she knew Cash would open at dinner.
That would make everything peachy.
Chapter 2
&nb
sp; Jasper
Blood. There was so much blood. It was on her face, soaked into her hair, running over his tongue as he lapped frantically at the wound, desperate to close the gaping cut in her skin before every drop of her life force spilled out of it.
Please. He begged every god and goddess he knew. Please, don’t take her from me. He pleaded with any deity out there that would listen.
What horrible crimes had he committed in some past life to be punished this way twice? To have his heart ripped from his chest, his entire life ebbing away in a pool of blood that wasn’t his own. For a moment it wasn’t the golden tan of his mate’s complexion that he saw, but the pale white of his mother’s. Her blonde hair was crimson, her blue eyes frozen in terror. Not again. Not like this.
Please. Without conscious thought his paws became hands, his body twisting from wolf to man faster than should have been possible, almost as if aided by an outside force. Maybe some merciful god was answering him after all.
He lifted her into his arms. She was too limp, too cold, and the gentle stutter of her heart was too slow. Yet the skin on her arm was knitting together as he infused her body with his magic, willing her to heal. Then she let out a moaning breath, the weary sound coated in finality, and she was gone. His mate, dead in his arms.
Dead.
Jasper gasped for air as if he was surfacing from a fathomless depth, choking on the fear of nightmares. He fumbled under the dark sheets, searching for the warmth he prayed he would find there. Mari let out a breathy moan when his hands caressed her bare skin. The sound was too much like the one from his nightmare and he panicked, dragging her across the mattress and constricting around her as if it were the only way to keep her from vanishing.
After calming his breath, Jasper loosened his hold and propped up to look at her. There was nothing soaking her hair but a few stray tears he let himself shed. Her skin was scarred but mended. The golden hue of her beautiful complexion was undrained by the loss of blood. Mari lived.
He closed his eyes, recalling her laughter as she fed him birthday cake earlier tonight. The lively way she swayed her hips to music as she helped Charlie in the kitchen. There was so much life in her. There was nothing for him to be afraid of anymore.
Mari lived.
Jasper nuzzled her neck, greedily drinking in her scent. She moaned again, murmuring in her sleep. “So much blood.”
“No, sweet Mari.” He whispered. “Don’t share in this nightmare. It’s not your pain to bear.”
Mari’s eyes blinked open, glowing a shade of amber in the dark bedroom. “Jas?” She sounded afraid.
“It’s only a dream.” He was reassuring himself as much as her.
“Come here.” She took him in her arms, drawing him to her chest and cradling him as if she knew how close to shattering he was. The strong thump of her heart against his ear softened the rush of adrenaline that jolted him awake. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Everything is perfect now. Go back to sleep.”
Eventually she did, her breath a soft purr in the otherwise silent room. The too silent room. Jasper eased out from under her arms, donning a sweater and jeans as quietly as he could. In the wake of that awful recurring dream he always felt unhinged. Claustrophobic in his own skin. Each night it happened, he was finding it more difficult to hold this form. Life was easier on four legs.
And he was safer on four legs, too. A lethal, merciless beast that could protect himself and the ones most dear to him.
But he needed to be in control. Man who was also wolf could not allow himself to become unsteady. There was a certain clarity when he shared his skin with the wolf that lived beneath it, but there were far fewer colors than were necessary to see the whole picture. Black and white was not a reliable way to view the world. Far too many situations were painted in shades of grey.
Or red. So much red.
Jasper hastened his descent down the stairs, shoving sock-less feet into the first pair of men’s boots he found by the door. At the last minute he decided to leave the foyer, taking the kitchen door instead. The forest was closer there and even those few extra steps before he was under the trees seemed an unbearable distance.
Cold air blasted the last edges of his panic from him, soothing some of the feverish heat that scorched him when the change was coming on. Still, the beast wanted out. He needed to run, to turn the earth beneath his feet as they ghosted over layers of snow. He couldn’t run. Not so soon, when less than twelve hours had passed from his previous change.
To stay in one form or the other for too long was risky for a werewolf. It was too easy to lose your head. Yet, switching between forms too often had risks too. Not only did the mind suffer from the jarring change in perspective, the body did too. Each time he changed, Jasper’s body was literally broken apart by whatever magic it was that made him. Being ripped open and stitched back together was no painless process. The muscles in his thighs and back screamed at him, desperate to stay in one piece.
And they would. Gritting his teeth against the writhing under his skin, Jasper pounded through the snow. One foot after another. His steps sunk him deeper and deeper until snow hit his knees. Soon the heat of his body would melt the crystals that clung to the fabric of his jeans, soaking it and cooling him to the bone. At least the cold was grounding.
By the time he stopped his breath was coming in such rapid pants that it was difficult to see beyond the vapor. All around him was white and grey. Lifeless trees. Lifeless earth. Even the distant chatter of mice tucked happily underground or squirrels snoring in their nests was absent, like every living creature could feel his anguish and the brutality caged inside of him and feared the faintest noise would draw him to them.
There was one creature that approached him, unafraid. Jasper didn’t have to turn to know it was her shadowing him. Heavier than the bond that stretched between them, alerting him of her presence, was the weight of her gaze. The snow was alight with the half moon and he could almost see how it reflected in her eyes, making them appear that wolfish color. Under sunlight, those beautiful irises were hazel. Plates of copper exposed to the elements until they oxidized.
She became something else under the moon. The wolf in her blood coming alive, reaching out to him as a kindred soul. Somewhere deep in her marrow, Mari knew his struggle. She carried generations of wildness with her.
That wasn’t the part of her that he needed just then. It took every scrap of his remaining self-control not to turn, to run to her and lose himself to her call to break free. What Jasper wanted was for her to sing to him. He needed the piercing cadence of her voice to break the night. The magic that accompanied her song would steady him as nothing else could.
But Mari wouldn’t sing. Nearly a month had passed since he’d last seen her practice. What was it that held her back? Maybe she was battling the same demons as him, scrabbling to exercise her will over an unruly force within her. Why wouldn’t she talk to him? Tell him what brought her to the edge that was cutting into her so deeply?
He could turn those same questions on himself, couldn’t he? Only because she saw his nightmares, dipped into his mind while she slept, did she know he was battling them. Mari slunk after him in the dead of night not because he told her that he needed her comfort, but because he couldn’t hide his turmoil from her. Not entirely, anyway.
Another wave of heat brought a sheen of sweat to his skin. The frigid air rushed at the beads of moisture, trying to penetrate them and turn them to ice. If he stood out here long enough, they would succeed. How much longer could he fight this? And what was this, really? Was it only the living fear from what he could have lost? Or was this more?
Madness?
Jasper walked as the wolf for almost a year. By all accounts, he should have gone mad during those days. None could explain why he hadn’t. Not Clem, not Charlie, not even him. Perhaps it was Lyses’ magic, holding the part of his mind that was man in limbo. His instincts and actions were so deeply rooted in the wolf that there wasn
’t room for the man to lose himself.
There was another option. Perhaps it was because of Lyse that this was happening to him now. Like he was a rubber band that was stretched further and further by the spell that locked him into his body. When it finally snapped he was returned to himself, but not in the same state.
Stretched and worn. That was how he felt. The tautness of sanity eluding him.
What would he do if there was no coming back from this? Charlie would have no choice but to kill him. Jasper was already becoming dangerous, causing fights and striking out at his brothers. It was only a matter of time before he hurt someone outside of the pack. Or worse, someone inside the pack. Someone more fragile than Cash and Teal.
Mari.
Father Above, his nightmare reborn in the worst kind of way. Could he hurt her? The desperation that overcame him seemed to be connected to her. Jasper had given her his heart—more than that. A piece of his soul. If she were destroyed, so too would he be.
But did that mean she was safe from him? Safe. He needed her safe. Jasper couldn’t live with any more grief. He wasn’t strong enough.
The panic that had only just receded returned like a tidal wave, drowning him completely. Pain started in his spine. Goosebumps rose on his skin. No, not goosebumps. Fur. Any moment there would be a crack, the first breaking of bone, and he would be lost to the wolf. Again. His ally turned enemy as they fought over the right to be free.
Just as he was reaching the point of no return in his change, it stopped. That rapid plunge into agony was frozen as the ground beneath him. Mari’s breath was hot on his back. Her forehead pressed between his shoulders, where sweat made his sweater cling to his skin. Her arms were locked tightly around his waist, her hips to his hips. Jasper laid a big hand over the smaller one that rested on his belly. Her gloveless fingers were icicles.