Prairie Flowers

by James B. Hendryx

  CHAPTER II

  KANGAROO COURT

  Bottle in hand, the bartender eyed the cowboy quizzically. "What's thebig idee--pinchin' back the _dinero_?" he questioned.

  The Texan smiled: "Just happened to think, that this is the identicalspot, a year ago, where I imbibed the last shot of red licker that'sentered my system till I intruded this peaceful scene today."

  "What's all that got to do with you grabbin' that there money which Iwant two dollars an' a half out of it fer them two rounds of drinksthat's on you?"

  "Don't go worryin' about that. You'll get all that's comin' to you. Buta little reference to back history might fresh up your memory that I'vegot four dollars change comin' from a year ago----"

  "Wha'd ye mean--a year ago? I wasn't here a year ago! My brother runthis joint then. I only be'n here a couple of months."

  The Texan regarded the man with puckered brow: "Well now, since youmentioned it, there _is_ somethin' disparagin' about that face of yoursthat kind of interfered with me recognizin' it off hand. The Red Front,changin' hands that way, complicates the case to an extent that we'llhave to try it out all legal an' regular _pro bono publico_, kangaroocourt. I studied law once way back in Texas with a view to abusin' an'evadin' the same, an' enough of it's stuck to me so we can conduct thiscase _ex post facto_.

  "Barkeep, you're the defendant, an' for the purposes of the forthcomin'action your name's John Doe. You four other characters are the jury, an'that don't leave nothin' for me to be except plaintiff, prosecutin'attorney, judge, an' court bailiff." Jerking his gun from its holsterthe cowboy grasped it by the barrel and rapped loudly upon the bar: "Oyes! O yes! You bet! Court is now open! The first case on the docket isHoratio Benton, alias Tex, _vs._ John Doe, John Doe's brother, an' theRed Front saloon _et al._"

  "Hey, what's all this here damn nonsense about?" asked the bartender.

  For answer the Texan rapped the bar with the butt of his gun: "Silencein the court!" he roared. "An' what's more, you're fined one round ofdrinks for contempt of court." Taking a match from his pocket he laid itcarefully upon the bar, and continued: "The plaintiff will take thestand in his own behalf. Gentlemen of the jury, the facts are these: Oneyear ago today, along about 3:30 P.M., I walked up to this bar an' hadfive drinks, one of which was on the house an' four on me at two bits athrow. I was packin' a couple of black eyes, the particulars of which isextramundane to this case, an' the barkeep, defendant here's allegedbrother, asked certain pertinent an' unmitigated questions concernin'the aforesaid black eyes. In explainin' to him how they were come by, Ihad occasion to take a shot at a mouse--the bullet hole, an' doubtlesshis dried-up remains can be seen yonder against the base-board an'constitutes Exhibit A----"

  "Well, I'll be damned!" exclaimed Shorty, his china blue eyes round withexcitement, "I know'd I'd saw you before!"

  "Me, too, we was settin' there playin'----"

  Again the six-gun rapped on the bar: "You, Green Vest, you're fined around of drinks for contempt of court. An' Shorty, you're fined tworounds. Not that there's any doubt about your first statement, but thishere _profanus vulgus_ business has got to be cut out." Depositing threemore matches beside the first upon the bar, the Texan proceeded:"Shortly thereafter, an' right in the middle of my remarks the saidbarkeep disembarked in tumultuous haste, like he'd be'n sent for an' hadto go. I waited around a spell an' not favorin' this spot for apermanent abode, I laid a five dollar gold piece on the bar, an' rodeoff. Therefore, gentlemen of the jury, it's plain to see that I've gotfour dollars comin', as an offset to which the present specimen, here,has got a just an' valid claim fer two rounds of drinks to the totalvalue of two dollars an' four bits, leavin' a dollar an' four bits stillowin' to me. The case is now closed, owin' to any testimony thedefendant, here, might introduce, would be mere hearsay an' thereforeirrelevant an' immaterial, he havin' admitted he wasn't here at thetime. Now, gentlemen of the jury, what's your verdict?"

  Thus appealed to the four gathered at the end of the bar and heldwhispered conversation, Shorty glancing furtively the while at the gunin the Texan's hand.

  Presently, mouthing a corner of his moustache, Ike Stork spoke: "It'sthe ondivided opinion of the jury, except Shorty disagreein' fer fearhe'll git shot, that this here party behind the bar's name ain't JohnDoe, which it's Pete Barras same as before, an' likewise he's got twodollars an' four bits comin' from you fer the drinks. Them four dollarsof yourn is comin' from Sam Barras, which he's runnin' a saloon over toZortman."

  The Texan produced another match and laid it beside the others upon thebar: "You're fined a round of drinks for misnomer of the defendant," heannounced, gravely. "An' seein' the jury is hung--why it ain't be'n hunglong ago is surprisin' to me--you're discharged--bob-tailed discharge,as they'd say in the army which carries with it a recommendation thatyou're a bunch of inebriated idiots that's permitted to stand on yourhind legs an walk upright so's to make more room for regular folks tomove around in. The case is taken out of your hands an' adjoodicatedupon its merits which accordin' to the statutes in such cases made an'provided, judgment is rendered for the plaintiff, on account of theabove transaction bein' with the saloon, as such, an' not a personalmatter with the bartender. Plaintiff is also ordered to take over an'run said saloon to the best of his ability until such time as the saiddollar an' four bits is paid."

  "Look a-here, pardner," began the bartender, edging along opposite theTexan, "fun's fun, an' kangaroo courts is all right as fer as they goan' as long as they don't mix up no regular money in their carryin's on.Me an' my brother Sam ain't on what you might say, fambly terms, whichhe'd of skun me to a frazzle on this here deal if the claim I traded himfer the saloon had of be'n worth a damn. But in spite of me an' Sambein' what you might say, onfriendly relations, I've got to say fer himthat he never pays a debt, an' if you've got four dollars comin' fromhim you might as well set around like a buzzard till he dies, which he'sthat ornery it prob'ly won't be long, an' then file yer claim ag'in hisexecutioner."

  The Texan grinned: "I hope fer your sake that advice is sound, for I'mhandin' it back in the original package----"

  "You mean you ain't a-goin to pay fer them drinks?" The bartender'svoice held a truculent note, and his eyes narrowed. "'Cause, believe me,stranger, if you think you ain't, you're plumb misguided. Things hasbe'n quiet an' peaceable around here fer quite a spell, but you'll payfer two rounds of drinks or Timber City's a-goin' to see someexcitement."

  The Texan noted that the man's hand was reaching along the under side ofthe bar, and his own dropped unobserved to the butt of the six-gun thathe had returned to its holster. "Speakin' of excitement you're sure someprophet," he observed, drily, "an' therefore, prob'ly without honour.But as far as I'm concerned, your brother Sam's nothin' but a pleasantmemory while as we say in the law, this saloon here is a corporealhereditament----"

  "You're a damn liar!" flared the aproned one, indignantly: "They ain'tno wimin' allowed in here--" With the words the man's hand leaped frombehind the bar, there was a crashing report, a heavy six-shooter thuddedupon the wooden floor, and with a cry of pain the bartender spun halfaround clutching at his right arm.

  "Backin' up hard words with gun play is dangerous business onless you'rea top hand at it," observed the Texan, drily, as he stepped around tothe man's side. A movement in front of the bar caused the six-gun oncemore to leap from its holster and at the action four pairs of hands flewceilingward. "Just you hombres belly right close up to the rail an' allyer hands open an' above board on top of the bar, an' you, Stork, youcome on around here an' tie up this arm or there'll be some morecasualties reported. If you're all as plumb languid on the draw as yerfellow citizen here your ranks is sure due to thin out some." The Texanstooped to recover the bartender's gun from the floor and as he did soIke Stork stepped around the corner of the bar, and taking instantadvantage of his position, administered a kick that sent the cowboysprawling at the feet of the bartender. Pandemonium broke loose in thesmashing of glass and the thud of blows. Forgetti
ng his injured arm thebartender joined Stork who had followed up his advantage by leaping uponthe struggling Texan. Reaching over the bar, Green Vest sent the heavywhisky bottle crashing into the _melee_ while his two companionscontributed the array of empty glasses and then valiantly bolted for thedoor. The narrowness of the alley behind the bar undoubtedly saved thestruggling Texan from serious mishap. As it was his two assailantshindered and impeded each other and at the same time formed a bufferagainst the shower of glassware that descended from above. Freeing onehand the Texan began to shoot along the floor. With the first explosionthe bartender scrambled to his feet and leaped onto the bar at theprecise moment that Green Vest, pausing in his flight toward the door,seized a heavy brass cuspidor and hurled it with both hands. Thewhirling missile caught the bartender full in the face and without asound he crashed backward carrying Ike Stork with him to the floor. Thenext instant the Texan was upon his feet and a gun in each hand,grinned down into the face of the terrified man who lay helplesslypinned by the inert form of the bartender. "Any friends or relations youwant notified, Isaac, or any special disposal of the remains?" hequestioned, as the guns waved back and forth above the prostrate man'sface.

  "G'wan, shoot if yer goin' to. I ain't packin' no gun. I done mydamnedest when I booted you down, an' we'd of had you at that if themdamned eediots hadn't begun bouncin' bottles an' glasses an' spittoonsoffen our head. Shoot--an' for Christ's sake, make a job of it!"

  The Texan's grin broadened, and reaching down he rolled the bartenderover, "Get up Ike," he said. "You're a he-one, all right, an' it wouldbe a pity to waste you."

  The other struggled to his feet and as he faced him the Texan saw ananswering grin widen the mouth beneath the heavy moustache. "Pour us acouple of drinks out of that private stock, an' in the meantime I'lljust fog her up a bit as a warnin' to the curious not to intrude on oursolitude. An', say, watch this, so you can tell 'em out there I canshoot." Four stacks of chips remained on the table where the players ofsolo had abandoned their game, and shooting alternately with eitherhand, and so rapidly that the explosions sounded like shots from anautomatic, the Texan cleaned the table and filled the air with ablue-grey haze and a shower of broken chips. Suddenly he glanced at theclock. Its hands pointed to half-past four, and with an oath he sent twobullets crashing into its face. "Four-thirty!" he cried. "A year agothis minute--" He stopped abruptly.

  Ike nodded approval and raised his glass: "Now," he pronounced,solemnly, "I've got to own that they ain't none of us in Timber Citythat's as handy with guns as what you be--but, at that, most of us kinhit a man reasonable often--an' some of us has."

  "I'll give you a chance to do it again, then. But, first, you slip downcellar there an' h'ist me up a bunch of beer kegs. I'm goin' to build mea barricade so you birds can't rake the back bar through the window." AsIke passed up the kegs, the Texan arranged them in such a manner thatfrom neither windows nor door could anyone upon the outside cover thespace behind the bar, and when Ike came up into the room he shook hishead, gloomily: "What's the big idee," he asked, "of startin' a war overa dollar an' four bits? It ain't too late yet fer to leave yer guns inhere an' plead guilty to disturbin' the peace. That won't cost youmuch--but this way, how in hell do you expect to play a lone hand agin awhole town an' git away with it? You're either plumb crazy or drunk orthere's somethin' settin' heavy on yer mind----"

  "I want my change," insisted the Texan stubbornly, "an' I'm goin' totake it out in trade, an' also them fines--there's twenty or thirtydrinks comin', accordin' to the matches. Pour me out a couple of morean' then you've got to take our little friend here an' beat it beforethe fireworks start. I ain't drunk now, but I'm goin' to be! An' when Iam--there's a little song we used to sing way down on the Rio Grande, itruns somethin' like this." Raising his voice the cowboy roared forth thewords of his song:

  "I'm a howler from the prairie of the West. If you want to die with terror, look at me. I'm chain-lightning--if I ain't, may I be blessed. I'm the snorter of the boundless prairie.

  "He's a killer and a hater! He's the great annihilator! He's the terror of the boundless prairie!

  "I'm the snoozer from the upper trail! I'm the reveller in murder and in gore! I can bust more Pullman coaches on the rail Than anyone who's worked the job before.

  "He's a snorter and a snoozer. He's the great trunk line abuser. He's the man who put the sleeper on the rail.

  "I'm a double-jawed hyena from the East. I'm the blazing, bloody blizzard from the States. I'm the celebrated slugger; I'm the Beast. I can snatch a man bald-headed while he waits.

  "He's a double-jawed hyena! He's the villain of the scena! He can snatch a man bald-headed while he waits."

  He finished with a whoop, and picking up the glass, drained it at agulp. "Beat it, now, Ike, ol' Stork!" he cried, "an' take a bottle ofbug-juice, an' our slumberin' friend, with you. So long, ol' timer! I'ma wolf, an' it's my night to howl! Slip up to the hotel an' tell thecook to shoot me down a half-dozen buzzard's eggs fried in grizzlyjuice, a couple of rattlesnake sandwiches, a platter of live centipedes,an' a prickly-pear salad. I'm hungry, an' I'm on my prowl!"