All of You

by Jasmine Stevens

  ‘I told him if he drove here, I’d come with him and tell you all his embarrassing stories like the time when in high school he accidentally text his soccer coach instead of his girlfriend telling her he wanted to make out behind the sports shed with her at lunchtime.’

  Emma threw her head back, laughing. ‘Oh, that’s gold. Tell me more.’

  ‘I have heaps more where that came from. Another time, though. If I take too long, he’ll get suspicious. But I’ll say one thing, my brother is besotted. I can’t remember him having a steady girlfriend since high school, so to see him in love with someone makes me so happy for him and for you, too, of course.’

  In love? Had she heard Lucy correctly? Did he feel that strongly about her? She didn’t know what to do with this new juicy piece of information. She handed the cheese over to Lucy, speechless.

  ‘Don’t tell me he hasn’t told you he loves you?’ Lucy placed her hands on her hips.

  Emma shrugged and screwed up her face awkwardly.

  ‘Typical. He’s so hopeless. I’ll be having a word to him.’

  Emma barreled around the counter with her hand up. ‘No, Lucy, please don’t. I want him to tell me in his own time, okay.?

  Lucy shrugged. ‘Suit yourself. A kick up the bum wouldn’t hurt him, either.’

  ‘Please don’t do that, either.’ Emma smiled.

  ‘Okay, how much do I owe you for the cheese?’

  Emma waved her hand in the air. ‘My treat for the irritable patient.’

  ‘Alrighty, I’ll tell his majesty, you’ll be out a bit later. That should appease him for a while.’

  ‘See you later, Lucy.’ She opened the door for her, closing it, and then turned pressing her back against it. She exhaled a slow, drawn-out breath counting to four. Everyone might think Ben was in love with her, but did Ben realise it himself? She guessed time would tell.

  Later, when Emma knocked on the front door of the Beckett family home, she was more than a little nervous. She knew she shouldn’t be, but her stomach was a riot of knots. Jackie answered the door. ‘Well, hello there, you two.’ She looked at Zoe as she barreled through the front door, making herself at home. Jackie and Emma followed her down the hallway, Jackie turning to speak to Emma over her shoulder. ‘I know someone who’s going to be pleased to see both of you.’

  Emma smiled. ‘I hope he’s in a better mood than he was earlier. Lucy said he’s been like a bear with a sore head.’

  Jackie nodded. ‘And that’s being kind.’ She nodded toward the lounge room where Zoe had already entered. ‘He’s in the lounge room watching Indiana Jones for the hundredth time.’

  As they came through the doorway, Emma caught sight of Zoe clambering up onto the lounge next to Ben. Both of them wore the biggest grins imaginable. If it were possible, Ben’s face lit up more when he set eyes on her, and it made her tummy do a little backflip. He made her feel worthy, loved, and important in his life. Even if he hadn’t voiced it, it was there, in the way he looked at her like she was the only woman in a room, in the way he spoke to her like she was the best thing in his life, and in the way he touched her—he worshipped her. What more could a woman ask for?

  ‘Hi.’ She felt shy, which was totally unlike her. They saw each other every day, but something had changed today. Knowing now he loved her even if he hadn’t acknowledged it yet, made her feel a bit coy. She didn’t want to stuff up this thing they had going on.

  ‘Hey.’ His eyes were on her lips as he spoke, and she swallowed the lump that formed in her throat.

  Jackie moved forward and took Zoe off the lounge. ‘How about you and I go and make a cake for dessert and give your mummy and Ben some alone time.’ She winked over her shoulder as she placed Zoe on her hip and walked out of the room. She stuck her head back around the corner at Emma. ‘Oh, and by the way, you’re staying for tea. I’ll be offended if you refuse.’

  ‘Okay, then we’re staying for tea,’ Emma said back to Jackie over her shoulder.

  ‘Good, that’s settled. I’ll holler when dinner’s ready.’ Then she and Zoe were gone, and Ben and she were alone.

  ‘How are you feeling today?’ She placed the box she carried on the coffee table.

  ‘Better now you’re here.’ He reached out for her hand, and she took it. He dragged her towards the lounge where he was laying against pillows. He looked sexy as hell in track pants, t-shirt, and Ugg boots, of all things. The man could pull off any outfit.

  ‘I brought you some goodies to keep you occupied over the next few days while you’re recovering. Would you like me to show them to you?’

  ‘No. Why are you making small talk with me?’

  She shrugged. He moved ever so slightly away from her on the lounge and then tugged on her hand, dragging her down to sit on the lounge beside him. He tapped a finger to his lips and grinned. ‘You need to put your lips right here.’

  ‘Do I?’

  ‘Yes, you do.’

  She met him halfway, their lips joined and danced the sweetest of love songs—slow, sensual, and now with a flare of love. The sound of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom played from the television, she could hear Zoe giggling far off in the kitchen, and then she heard a clearing of a throat. They reluctantly broke apart and looked behind them to find Lucy standing in the doorway wearing a cheeky grin. ‘You two are so cute together.’

  Ben rolled his eyes and sat up with a grimace. ‘We’re not in high school, Lucy.’

  Lucy shrugged. ‘I’m just stating the obvious. Would it sound more mature if I said, you two look good together?’

  Ben mumbled under his breath, ‘No.’

  Lucy pushed off the doorway. ‘Well, I came to tell you the moon outside is gorgeous. It’s huge tonight. Very romantic.’ She winked at them, turned on her heel, and left the room.

  Emma turned around to face Ben. ‘Feel up to taking a walk and checking it out?’

  ‘Why not. Anything to get some alone time with you.’ He took her hand, and they stood. She noticed him wince.

  ‘Still in a bit of pain?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s getting better each day. The doc said once the stitches are out, I’d be less uncomfortable. That’s tomorrow, so fingers crossed.’ They donned their jackets and opened the door to a blast of cold air. Winter was well and truly here. The night was lit up by the full moon, which was indeed huge as Lucy had said. ‘It’s gorgeous.’

  ‘It is, but it’s bloody cold.’ He tucked his arm around her shoulder, and she leaned into him. ‘Want to check on the horses?’

  Emma nodded, and they walked the short distance to the fence of the horse paddock. Tilly and Monte trotted over to them. Rubbing Tilly, Emma apologized. ‘Sorry, girl, no apple today.’ Tilly snorted in response, clearly not happy. ‘I miss riding her.’

  ‘You can ride her whenever you want. You don’t need to wait for me. I think it’s going to be a few more weeks before I can get back on a horse.’

  ‘You trust me to ride on my own?’ She looked over at him as he patted Monte down her nose.

  ‘Of course, babe.’

  Every time he called her that, it sent a quiver through her. She leaned into him and kissed him. He brought his hand up and removed her hair from its tie and sank his hands through the depths of her locks. The kiss deepened, and she heard the moan of pleasure escape from his lips. She ran her hands up his chest, and all of a sudden, he jumped back, hissing through gritted teeth. ‘Ow, son of a bitch.’

  Emma felt terrible. ‘I’m so sorry, I forgot for a moment and got carried away. Is it okay?’ She went to undo his jacket and take a look, but he stilled her hands. ‘I forgot then for a moment, too. It’s fine, the pain’s easing off now.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  He placed a finger over her lips. ‘Shh, stop apologising. Now, where were we?’ He took her in his arms and kissed her again, this time slow and sensual, and it made her head spin with need.

  She broke away from the kiss. ‘You seriously need to find out tomorrow from the d
octor when we can, you know…’ She made a gesture with her head.

  ‘When can we what?’ Ben asked, and Emma could tell by the amusement in his eyes he knew exactly what she meant.

  ‘You know.’ She smirked.

  ‘No, I don’t. You’ll have to tell me.’

  ‘Make love.’

  ‘He tugged on her hand and drew her to him, his mouth hovering above hers. ‘I miss it, too. I miss you.’

  ‘I miss you, too. Your side of the bed is cold when I roll over, and you’re not there.’

  ‘Not long now, hopefully after tomorrow, and I’ll be able to drive and do all sorts of things.’ He nuzzled her neck. ‘Mmm, you taste good.’

  They broke apart at the sound of Lucy yelling out from the front door, ‘Tea’s ready, lovers.’

  Emma could smell tea wafting out from the door, and it smelt amazing, and Emma’s tummy rumbled on cue. Ben laughed. ‘Let’s get you fed, and then we can pick up where we left off.’

  ‘You’re on,’ Emma said as they walked hand in hand up to the house.

  Later, with a belly full of stew with dumplings and butterscotch pudding and custard for dessert, Emma leaned back on her chair, thinking she wasn’t going to be able to move. She heard her mobile ringing in the lounge room and excused herself to answer it. By the time she reached into her handbag, her phone had stopped ringing. Removing the mobile from her bag, she looked down on the screen and was surprised to see the missed call was from Ryan.

  Suddenly, her phone starting ringing again, and she swiped the screen to answer. ‘Hello.’

  ‘Hi, Emma.’ His voice sounded exactly the way she remembered him, soft, yet self-assured.

  ‘Ryan, what can I do for you?’ she asked. Why on earth was he ringing her after all this time?

  ‘I’m here.’

  ‘Where?’ Emma asked as she peeked out the curtains. There was no sign of his car.

  ‘In Holbrook.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Well, I was hoping for a bit more of a welcome than that.’ There was no mistaking the air of annoyance to his voice.

  ‘Sorry. I guess I’m a little bit shocked you’re here,’ she said.

  ‘Can I see you? There’s something we need to discuss.’

  ‘I’m not home, right now. Give me twenty minutes, and I can be.’ Emma rattled off her address and hung up. Ben was standing in the doorway when she looked up.

  ‘Everything okay?’ he asked.

  ‘Yeah, but I need to head off. Sorry.’ She walked over and kissed his cheek. ‘Call me tomorrow as soon as you’re finished at the doctor. Promise?’

  ‘I promise.’ He looked into her eyes, with concern. ‘What’s going on?’

  She wasn’t sure how much she should tell him, but then quickly figured he’d find out soon enough with Holbrook being so small. ‘Ryan has just shown up.’

  ‘You’re ex, Ryan?’

  Emma clicked her tongue. ‘Yep. The one and only.’

  ‘What does he want?’ She could hear the alarm in his voice.

  Emma shrugged. ‘Your guess is as good as mine. But I’m about to find out.’

  ‘I’ll come with you.’

  Emma placed a hand on his arm. ‘I don’t think that would be such a good idea.’ It wasn’t like he was dangerous or anything.

  ‘If you’re sure?’

  ‘I’m sure.’ She saw the worry on his face, and she kissed him gently on the lips. ‘Stop worrying. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.’

  Ben nodded. ‘Okay.’

  Okay. She had just told him she loved him, and all she got in return was a nod and an ‘okay.’ When was the man going to come to his senses and tell her he loved her? How much longer did she have to wait? Hurt, Emma left the room to find Zoe and say her goodbyes to the rest of the Beckett family.

  Emma sat on the single armchair across from Ryan, who sat with an ankle across his knee on the two-seater lounge. She sipped her chamomile tea, which she hoped would calm her nerves, but her hand shook slightly as she placed the teacup on the saucer. Ryan took a sip of his coffee, and she could feel his gaze penetrating her. It made her uncomfortable. At one time, his eyes on her sent a shiver of anticipation down her spine, now it sent something altogether wrong, which was disconcerting.

  He placed his mug on the coffee table, and Emma immediately saw Zoe noticing something she wasn’t allowed to have and making a beeline for it. Emma quickly stood up, blocking Zoe’s path to the hot coffee. ‘How about we sit at the dining table? Zoe is likely to scold herself if she knocks your coffee over.’

  Ryan shrugged. ‘No problem.’ He picked up his mug and followed her to the dining table where he took a seat next to her. He was as gorgeous as she remembered him—a woman could drown in with those beautiful brown eyes of his. But would she now? He had grown his beard fuller and had lost a little weight in his face and around his arms. A little too much to look healthy. She wondered if he still jogged, was he overdoing it? He’d always had that compulsive, addictive nature. Once he had decided to do a 50k walk, and he had nearly wasted away by eating barely anything except for poached chicken and protein shakes. He trained twice a day, becoming obsessed.

  ‘Why are you here, Ryan?’

  He took her hand in his, and she let him, curious to see if those tiny sparks that once fired between them still existed. They didn’t, and she withdrew her hand to take a sip of her tea. She saw the sweep of uncertainty cross his face, and he cleared the frog in his throat.

  ‘Okay, here goes.’ He blew out a breath as if to get his thoughts in check. ‘Um… I miss you. I want you back. I want us to try again.’ Zoe toddled over with a plate and handed it up to him. He jumped in surprise, and Zoe looked up at him curiously as he took the plate and placed it on the table. ‘Um… thanks.’

  Emma’s heart sank for Zoe. He ignored the plate and Zoe, who was still waiting for Ryan to pretend to eat whatever she had made for him. Emma gestured towards the plate. ‘You have to pretend to eat what she made you.’

  Ryan looked down at the empty, blue plastic plate and then looked down at Zoe. ‘Huh?’

  Emma reached over and lifted the plate to his mouth. ‘Eat.’ Emma looked down at Zoe. ‘What did you cook for Ryan, Zo?’

  ‘Ak.’

  Emma pretended to scoop something off the plate and rolled her eyes heavenward, licking her lips. ‘Oh, Zoe, yum. This is the best cake you’ve ever made, and sponge cake is my favourite.’ Zoe clapped her hands, and Emma lifted the plate again to Ryan, lifting her eyebrows, silently saying in her head, Eat the damn cake, Ryan.

  Ryan grimaced and placed a finger on the plate and lifted it to his mouth. He pretended to eat and then looked at Zoe, saying, ‘Delicious, thank you.’

  Was Ryan always this so stuck up? She didn’t remember him being so stiff and poised, but I guess love had blinded her. He turned his attention back to her. ‘As I was saying. I want to give the whole family thing a go. I now realise you’re pretty serious about fostering Zoe, and I guess I have to accept that’s what you want to do. I want you and Zoe to move back in with me.’ He made a point of looking around her house. ‘I can’t believe you’ve been living here, like this. I really expected you to have come home by now.’

  Emma sat dumbfounded. It had been nearly a year since he had abandoned her. She harboured no ill feelings towards him for that, but now she felt anger burning a path through her. He had made his decision, and now she had moved on. She loved Ben, and she had finally found herself. In the process of moving, being a single mum, making friends, and falling in love, she had found what it was like to be her. Emma. Not the policewoman who risked her life every day to save strangers, not Ryan’s girlfriend, not the woman he thought couldn’t make a life for herself. He had underestimated her, she was sure of it. He had expected her to come running back to him with her tail between her legs when it had all become too hard. It had become hard. She had been through the toughest time of her life, but she had done it. She had gotten through without him and
without crawling back to him as a failure.

  ‘What do you mean when you say, living like this?’ Emma asked, curious to know exactly how he felt. She thought she had a clear indication, but she needed to hear the words come from his mouth.

  ‘Well, geez, Emma, this place is so old. Our unit is modern and clean.’ He pointed to the carpet. ‘I can’t believe you let Zoe crawl around on that carpet. Did you even think to get it cleaned when you moved in?’

  ‘Yes, I did, in fact, and Zoe doesn’t crawl, she walks.’ Emma’s tone was bristly, and she could see it had the desired effect on Ryan as he placed a hand up defensively.

  ‘Look, ‘I’m not here to judge, I’m here to bring you back home where you belong. Surely, you must want to come back to Melbourne. There’s nothing for you here.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Come on, you’re a city girl through and through. This place must be boring you to tears. I mean, I drove down the main street which took all of thirty seconds. There’s nothing for you here, but there’s everything for you back in Melbourne. I can give you and Zoe everything you need.’

  Emma nodded. ‘Yeah you can, you can give us everything but love.’

  ‘I love you, Em. How can you even question that for one second?’

  Emma huffed. ‘You can’t be serious?’

  ‘I never stopped loving you.’

  ‘You love the idea of us. You love the stability of me, and that stability was rocked when I was shot. So, what did you do? You up and left me because you couldn’t handle the chaos and stress of it all.’ Emma looked over to Zoe, who was oblivious to the tension in the room, happily playing with her little kitchen. Emma lowered her voice, so she couldn’t hear her next words. She leaned in close to Ryan. ‘My life is chaos. It’s full of bottles, dirty nappies, temper tantrums, sleepless nights, teething, doctor appointments, physiotherapy, a messy house, unwashed dishes, clothes piling up in the clothes basket, and a hell of a lot more. But I wouldn’t change any of it for the world because chaos is now my stability. Zoe is my stability. We have a bond you could never understand, and moving back to Melbourne isn’t going to change all that chaos. All those things are still going to be there in Melbourne just as they are here, except here I have a job I love. That makes me happy. I have friends who I adore, and I’m bringing Zoe up in a small community where she can do things like ride a horse. I have made a life here, and I have met someone very special to Zoe and me, a man I love and who loves Zoe.’