Only Human

by Meredith Katz

  "I can see how," Saul said. "Why murder mysteries?"

  "Well," Theo said, and glanced aside, finally watching the people watching them. "I see a lot of corpses. I mean, in Dr. Richardson's line of work…"

  Saul heard himself let out a shocked laugh. "Am I a more lively patient than most of them?"

  "I'm just saying," Theo said ruefully, "that there are an awful lot of murder victims and their families involved in necromancy."

  After they'd finished their coffees, they lingered on the sidewalk outside. It was still early, so Saul suggested a movie. Theo seemed surprised by the offer, almost hesitant, but agreed.

  They decided on Shoot 'Em Down, a fairly generic-seeming action film that was playing. There weren't any surprises in it—the hero got the girl and explosions happened every five to ten minutes—but it was fun, and that was enough.

  They sat in the back of the theater so Theo wouldn't block anyone's view. There was a nice sort of privacy to it which was sort of exciting. When Saul reached for popcorn and brushed Theo's knuckles instead during a dramatic scene, he didn't feel self-conscious. It was comfortable. Saul generally thought that comfortable was a pretty lame compliment to give someone, but after how stressed he'd been lately, it was hard to imagine better.

  He wondered when his life had gotten weird enough for that to be an issue.

  "Shall I walk you home?" Theo offered, when the movie was over. It was getting dark, and since Saul lived something like thirteen blocks away, he wasn't going to bother getting a ride. He doubted anything would happen, but he'd had enough trouble lately that he didn't feel like inviting more.

  "Sure," he said.

  They talked about the movie on the way back—how bad it was, mostly, but they picked out the few good parts, lingered on those, and discarded the rest. Theo talked, animatedly, about the dialogue, about scene cuts and delivery. Time seemed to go too quickly, like there was so much more Saul would like to hear, but they were already at the door.

  "Well," Theo said, "goodnight."

  "Goodnight," Saul said, and looked at him, trying to decide what he wanted to do.

  Theo licked his lips almost self-consciously and started to lean in. But he didn't finish, just sort of bowed over Saul for a moment, an uncomfortable parody of politeness. "Goodnight," he said again.

  He left Saul gazing after him, torn between relief that he hadn't been pushed into making his decision that fast and disappointment that Theo hadn't pushed him at all. His mouth tingled, like it was sensing what could have been, and he chewed on his lower lip to try to make it stop.

  *~*~*

  They messaged back and forth later that night:

  Saul: Get home safely?

  Theo: No problems. How's dinner?

  Saul: It's from a can, honestly, so I can't call it great, but it's what I want.

  Theo: Hey, eat healthy, okay? Your body's probably not your only possible body, but it's the one you've got now.

  Saul laughed, and kept replying off and on throughout the evening. Not a lot, not sitting down and actively chatting, but every half hour or forty minutes just tossing a few words back.

  I'd like to see you again, he wrote, a few hours in.

  It was weird, Saul thought as he stared at the client, at the ellipses telling him that Theo was writing. Normally he felt nervous after sending something like that to anyone, guy or girl, that he'd gone on a date with. But not this time. Even if Theo said no to more dates, Saul was pretty sure he'd be down for hanging out.

  A 'no' wouldn't ruin whatever had started between them.

  The answer was a long time coming:

  Look, Theo wrote. You seem nice. I enjoyed today. I wasn't sure I would. It's been a long time since I've gone out with anyone and had a good time, and you gave me that.

  Great, Saul thought, and put his fingers down to reply, but the ellipses popped back up. The next comment came quickly.

  Theo: The thing is, I know why you're doing this. And that's not a fun thing to know. You've decided to 'fuck a corpse' so you're hitting on the first one you met.

  Saul drew a sharp breath, guilt washing over him. The message was followed by another and another, as though once Theo had started typing he was unable to stop firing off replies.

  Theo: I don't think you're a bad guy, or I wouldn't have come out tonight. I decided to take a chance that it'd be a good time anyway, and it was. But I don't know how I feel about this, Saul. I know you're not fetishizing me—

  At least he knew that.

  Theo: —because I saw the way you looked at me when you first saw me. You're not a zombie-chaser, or you wouldn't have been revolted. And if you were one, you'd have a hell of a lot more other options than picking up the gross-looking guy from your doctor's office. And you adjusted fast, you were caught up in your own stuff but you weren't unkind toward me. I was worried that I was hoping for too much just because you were nice despite your knee-jerk reaction. I'm not worried about that anymore. I think we could at least be friends. And I do want to see you. It was a fun date. I can't remember the last one I've had one of those. But I don't know how to stop feeling used.

  "Holy shit," Saul said aloud, weakly. His head was spinning with more than just his illness. He stared at the screen, trying to figure out what he could possibly say to that.

  Because Theo had pretty much hit the nail on the head, or put the nail in the coffin, whatever the right metaphor was under the circumstances. He'd found himself cursed, and Theo had been sympathetic and encouraging, and Saul had known that Theo wouldn't put any pressure on him about it. He'd have never considered taking a zombie on a date before this, let alone thinking about sleeping with one.

  Another message popped up. Sorry. I went on and on. I just don't know if I should agree to another date like this.

  Theo was anxious, Saul realized, waiting for his reply. He put his fingers on the keyboard, tapped the space bar a bunch so it'd at least look like he was writing while he was thinking through his response, then deleted his massive wall of blank space and began to type properly:

  You're right, he said. I'm sorry. There was a gross taste in his mouth, guilt and humiliation and regret that he'd been thinking they could still be friends, still hang out. I wasn't thinking of it that way, but yeah, you're right.

  Yeah, Theo wrote.

  You don't have to hang out with me again, Saul added. I get it.

  Another lag. This time, the ellipses felt like he was being stabbed. Et tu, Theo.

  No, Theo wrote back. I mean, like I said, I think we can be friends. I didn't think you were thinking it through. I just thought you might have latched on.

  I probably did, Saul wrote.

  Theo: Just, I also saw how you were watching people in the coffee shop. I know you were pretty self-conscious to be seen with me.

  This time, indignation rose. I was worried that they were upsetting you! he wrote, and then felt worse because he was pretty sure he didn't deserve to be righteously angry. I know it probably seemed to you like that was about me, but this is shitty for you. The way people treat you is shitty, the way you said your family treats you is shitty, the fact that people consider sleeping with someone like you a curse is shitty. And I don't want to be shitty to you too.

  Another long pause. Saul contemplated letting the curse kill him, except it seemed like that'd take a long time.

  Thanks, Theo wrote. For a long moment, that was the only thing he sent, and then: That means a lot to me. I'd like to keep trying. I don't know yet. But I want to see you again.

  Saul stared at the screen. There was a lump in his throat and his eyes were stinging. He wasn't sure he deserved that much leeway. Okay.

  Can we just talk for a bit? Theo asked. I enjoyed our time together. I think I could enjoy more of it. I wanted to say yes to another date. Is it okay to start small? To get to know each other?

  He wanted to quit. He wanted to turn the computer off and go to bed and sleep for a year until this all was over. Theo still wanted to
try, and Theo wanted to spend time together, and that was great. Relieving. It felt like he could, maybe later, be excited about it. But with the guilt still fresh in his system, overwhelmingly heavy, it was hard to think of that way. He wanted to withdraw, wanted to hide. Even if it was only himself he would have been hiding from.

  But that wasn't fair to Theo. Theo'd taken a risk with him, had put himself out there, even while thinking that Saul was using him. Quitting now was just taking care of himself again, just putting himself first.

  If you want to, Saul said. I'd like to get to know you better.

  *~*~*

  Saul went back to work and class the next week, was careful to cover as much of his skin as he could, and tried to keep his body language loose and casual. He made easy conversation with others when they spoke to him first. Nothing weird here, he did his best to project.

  And he met their simple concern over how sick he still looked—hey, how's that flu—with a shrug and a smile. "Feeling better," he said, as if his skin didn't ache under his clothes. At least it hadn't moved to his hands or face yet. That'd be hard to explain away. And while it wasn't really anyone's business, even so much as admitting he'd been cursed would raise more questions about the circumstances than he was willing to entertain. In an ideal world it wouldn't have been anyone's problem, either.

  He updated Jill on the situation as well. Without getting too far into the nature of the curse, he confirmed it was necromantic in nature and that the doctor was, in his own words, pissed that someone was misusing magic that way. She told him that she'd asked around as best she could by talking to mutual friends, but that Jack had been keeping to himself lately.

  He's asking after me too, they say. Hard to say if it's suspicious or if he's just a creeper anyway lol, she'd texted, and Saul left it at that.

  It was less that he was actually feeling better and more that he felt like he had to get his shit back under control. What Theo had said made him hyper-aware of how me, me, me he'd started to get over the last little while. There was a lot to pity himself for, maybe, but his life was rolling forward and him along with it. The least he could do was keep up and not hurt anyone else along the way.

  Theo had been as good as his word. He seemed like he was still trying, so Saul wanted to try, too. They hadn't seen each other face-to-face since the first date, but losing contact felt like it'd be giving up.

  So on Monday evening, after Saul started to go back to classes, he messaged Theo to tell him how they went. I missed so much, man. I was totally lost. I got the prof to send over some of the material I missed, but his slides are always minimal.

  Theo: Borrow a classmate's notes?

  Saul: Did. Doing my best to wade through them. I might need to go into lab and just poke around in databases myself to get this, though.

  It was a boring conversation, Saul thought helplessly as he stared at the screen. He didn't know what else to talk about, but his interest in Theo aside, he felt he owed it to Theo to keep in touch. To not drop him as soon as Theo had expressed any doubt.

  Theo: Try typing them up. It helps to repeat information yourself. And then, So I re-watched last week's episode of Deep Dark Sky. I actually think Johanna was acting really suspicious during it. And you know, two eps ago she'd handled the alien pod to put it into storage. Which I note we haven't seen since, *because* it's in storage, but I think something might be up there.

  Saul took the change of subject gratefully. She's always been a bit jumpy, though. It doesn't need to be because of a space vampire egg lol. Theo thoroughly disagreed, and they debated plot details late into the night.

  On Tuesday night, Theo sent over a snippet of the mystery he was writing, and while it was true that he didn't write like a professional, it was kind of fun to see a work in progress. Saul found that he honestly wanted to see more, and told Theo as much. Maybe Theo took it literally or maybe he just decided to up the ante, but the next night he sent Saul an invite to a video chat, along with a quick, I'm stuck on this part, want to talk it out with me?

  Saul stared at the little window, finger-combing his curls and trying not to read too much into it. Getting to see Theo again—even at a distance—felt weirdly monumental. Like just by keeping on talking at him he'd managed to smooth things over a little. Before he could psyche himself out, he clicked the button to accept.

  The screen popped up with Theo's face, his own looking embarrassingly uncomfortable in the corner window. He met Theo's gaze and was struck momentarily dumb.

  "Hey," he said, trying to sound less breathless than he was. "Nice to see you."

  "You too," Theo said.

  The graininess of the webcam had a strange effect on him. His skin, already patchy, was further broken up by pixelation and the slight lag made his motions seem jerky and unnatural. For a moment, he seemed way more like one of those old movie zombies than the real thing. It was an annoying thought. Theo wasn't like that. Theo was more—alive. Lively, animated. The patches on his skin were just patches, not flesh sloughing off him like it did in creepy horror films.

  He wondered, staring at him, when he'd reached the point that Theo had started to look normal to him, when it had stopped mattering that he wasn't, technically, human.

  Both Theo and he started to talk at once: "So—"

  Theo laughed, gestured to him in that jerky lag, and Saul ducked his head, saw the image of himself stutter as well in the window. "So," Saul said. "The bit you sent over. You're stuck after it?"

  "Yeah," Theo said, nodding. "I just can't justify having her go outside at night, but I need to get her out there to discover the body."

  "Mm, yeah, she's not stupid enough to go out because she heard a noise or something," Saul agreed. The change of subject was one hell of a relief. He thought back to what he'd read. "What if she was on a date or had to work late or something?"

  "I thought about it but that gives her too much of an alibi. She needs to be at home."

  "That's a tough one…"

  They settled on giving her a cat that she had to let inside for the day, and who had been frightened by the sounds of murder and wasn't waiting right on the doorstep. It seemed to go more easily for Theo after that, based on his snippets of pleased commentary. He stayed on the line, and Saul found himself glancing over more and more often, watching Theo type away with a distracted expression in his glittering eyes.

  After the call ended, Saul found himself going to bed with a sense of accomplishment he hadn't felt for a while. He replayed the events of the evening until he drifted off to sleep, hardly minding how his skin ached.

  *~*~*

  It was Theo once more who broke the unspoken rules by inviting Saul to coffee again. It was a bit late in the day for caffeine, but Saul stared at the email with his heart slamming at his rib cage like it was ready to make a break for it. He read the email over and over: Hey, I'm grabbing a coffee over at Beans and Bees and doing some writing there. Want to join me? I'll be here another hour easy.

  Saul was there in twenty minutes. The shop sold its own coffees and a stock of honey from local beekeepers; they used honey as sweetener rather than sugar, which Saul thought was a little weird. His own idea of fancy coffee was going to Starbucks instead of Tims. Still, he found himself charmed at the thought of Theo liking this type of place.

  Theo stood out in the crowd in the shop, huddled over his small laptop in a corner table, and lifted a hand to Saul as he came in. Saul lifted one back, then ordered a plain drip and poured honey into it to soothe his throat. He took it back to Theo's table cradled between his hands for warmth.

  "Hey," Theo said, and smiled at him.

  Saul's mouth was suddenly too dry. "Hey," he said. "What's up?"

  "Not much." Theo barely even had to crane his head to look up at Saul. He was speaking carefully, though, like he wasn't sure how things were between them. "I'm stuck again, mostly people-watching."

  More like watching people watching him. "Yeah?" He sat down across from Theo, his back to
the room, so he could at least not contribute to the stolen glances as he had the last time they'd been out together. "I'm glad. I mean—I'm not glad you're stuck, but if you are, I'm glad you dropped me a line."

  "Sitting here by myself all the time gets kind of… something," Theo said with a self-conscious laugh. "Usually when I go to coffee shops to write it helps me focus, but I kept thinking about sitting around and talking with you."

  Saul felt his cheeks redden. "Yeah?" he said breathlessly, and then wished his voice hadn't sounded like that. He'd managed to put aside how attractive Theo was when they were just talking online. Face-to-face, he was struck again by Theo's size, his strong jaw, his soft smile. The gray patchwork skin had stopped being a deterrent sometime during their first date. But he didn't want to let Theo see how distracted he was, not if it made him feel used again. "I mean, great. I mean, why don't you show me that scene and let's see if we can do more with it?"

  "Sure," Theo said. He scooted his chair over until it bumped up against Saul's, looming over him, letting their arms brush as he flicked the touchpad with his thumb. Saul, trying not to gaze up at him too obviously, found himself staring instead at their arms, side by side. His own had noticeably more hair; the sleeves rolled up to Theo's elbow exposed a gray arm that was smooth and firm—and about double the size of Saul's.

  Help, Saul thought. Theo definitely fell right in his strike zone when it came to guys—at least, living ones—and the fact that that seemed inconsequential all of a sudden probably should have been more alarming than it actually was. Mayday.

  He forced himself to focus on the screen as Theo began talking again. "—So the killer thinks she saw something, and wants to take her out before she can talk, but I need a reason for him to delay on killing her so she realizes she's being watched."

  "Okay, well," Saul said, mouth dry. "What's his motivation? Was the original murder calculated, or a crime of passion? If it was about that guy specifically, he might be less willing to kill someone he's not totally sure is related, and watch her for suspicious behavior."