Knight in Charlotte

by Edward McKeown

  “Watch it or I just might let her drain you to the last drop of whatever you use for blood.” Jeremy shot back.

  “Oh, Jeremy honey, there ain’t enough toothpaste in the whole world for that,” Debbie said. “Why don’t I just tear off his head and shit down his neck.”

  “Okay, okay,” the gnome said, “no need to get tough. I see you’re serious people. Whaddya want?”

  “I want to know what you and your little green brothers have been doing around Ballantyne.”

  “I want to know why he sounds like he’s from New York City,” Debbie said.

  Jeremy sighed. “Let’s stick to the point. You’re a gnome.”

  “Actually I’m a Martian-”

  “My ass, you’re gnome. What are you doing here?”

  “Hey, come on, Mac-the-Knife, we’re just guys, like you trying to get lucky with some local broads.”

  “What?” Jeremy said

  “We cast some glamour on some hotties so they see us as gods, some get a quickie, some we whisk off through the portals to the netherworld for a couple of months of slap and tickle. Then we shower em with gold and jewels and return them to your world only 24 hours later. No harm done.”

  “That’s disgusting,” Jeremy snapped.

  “Yeah? You wouldn’t think so if you were a three-foot-tall gnome trying to get laid.”

  Jeremy whapped the flat of the blade down on the gnome’s rock-like skull, its skin crackled and sizzled under the touch of iron.

  “Ow, ow,” it cried dropping to the ground. “What’s the problem? The babes get the big O in the netherworld for months and a wagonload of gold and gems.”

  “Faerie gold and gems turn to twigs and dust,” Jeremy growled. “Not that real gold or jewels would be compensation for months of being ravished by gnomes while deceived under a glamour.”

  “Hey, Sir Knight, some of these Georgia Peaches have been around the block a time or three. They ain’t exactly innocent.”

  “This ain’t Georgia you ignorant pile of crap,” Debbie said.

  Jeremy switched to a two-handed grip and raised the sword.

  “Ok, ok I’m sorry,” it wailed. “Lay off with the cold steel and I’ll do anything you and Boobzilla want.”

  Debbie caught at his arm. “Jeremy, we need this one. We can use him to get through the portal and get that human baby.”

  “See,” the gnome said. “That’s thinking, baby, despite what they say about blondes.”

  “First though,” Debbie said. “We need to establish some ground rules and a framework for cooperation.” She turned to the gnome, smiled and kicked him square in the nuts. Not a delicate lady-like kick, but rather a kick that any punter in the NFL would have sold his soul to make during the closing seconds of the Superbowl. The ox-like bellow of unadulterated agony was muffled when Debbie picked the gnome up and tossed him through the gates. Its ghostly witchfires glowed and shimmered, the gnome’s passing had opened the netherworld.

  “Well honey,” Debbie said, dusting off her hands, “come on. We’ve got a baby to find.”

  She and Jeremy raced to the gate and into the shimmer. Sensations exploded on Jeremy, smells, sounds, some pleasant others bitterly not. Then he was through, standing in a cave, wide, high, with a floor carpeted with rushes and pine needles and a few ice-encrusted pools to one side. The cold struck Jeremy and he was glad for the long leather duster that concealed his blood-sword. The cave wouldn’t have been unpleasant but for the shrieking gnome.

  “Oh god, my balls,” it bellowed over and over. Apparently agonized screams were not uncommon in the netherworld as no one came to investigate. Finally Debbie had threatened to hold the gnome’s head under water till he stopped. It cut the noise down to whimper and found some relief by sitting in a pool of icy water.

  Meanwhile he noticed a change in his other companion. Debbie seemed to glow from within, her eyes were red-tinged with fire and she moved with an almost explosive energy. Of course, he thought, I’ve taken a vampire closer to hell. Her powers—

  “—have increased,” she finished plucking the thought from his mind. She smiled a lazy, almost cruel smile. “I feel wonderful. Would you like to feel me, Jeremy?”

  “We have work to do,” he said carefully, not wanting to offend her and also fighting off a tremendous wave of desire. A vampire was all about dark seduction.

  He moved the sword between them and the red-jewel of its hilt glowed. It seemed to break the spell. The desire receded and Debbie shook her head as if to clear it.

  “Jeremy, honey,” she said. “Don’t stand too close to me and don’t turn your back. I ain’t quite myself here.”

  “You better run the bitch through before she sucks you dry,” the gnome said from his icy pool.

  “That’s enough,” Jeremy said. From under his coat he produced a rope of thin nylon and bound the gnome’s hands behind its back. It cursed under its breath in its own miserable tongue. Jeremy prodded it with the sword. It yelped and led them out of the cave. Debbie walked to the gnome’s other side and Jeremy was careful to keep her a little ahead.

  “How long till dawn?” Jeremy asked.

  Surprisingly it was Debbie who answered. “Never. This is a dimension of hell. It’s always twilight and full moon here. If this wasn’t a faire forest, it would die. Thanks for the thought though.”

  “You got a name?” Debbie said to the gnome, “little green piece of shit takes too long to say.”

  “Ganal,” he replied.

  “Okay, Ganal,” Jeremy said, "take us to the baby and you go free. Mislead us and it’s a steel enema for you.”

  As they trooped on through the woods, Jeremy prodded the gnome for information. “How could you imagine that the changeling wouldn’t get noticed in this day and age?”

  “Are you kidding?” Ganal said. “Have you seen what human kids are like now? It used to be harder. Changelings are loud, hungry, ungrateful, misbehave and are generally a pain in the ass. People used to kill em. Now the parents insist the kids are special and go berserk when somebody tries to make them be quiet. Used to be spare the rod and spoil the child, now, its two more Ritalin for little Timmy.”

  “He’s got that right,” Debbie said. “Humans can’t hardly raise kids any more. You got Generation X raising Generation Ain’t No Damn Good.”

  “What the hell would you want with a human baby anyway?’ Jeremy said, a little put out by the undead and unholy dissing humanity

  “Funny you should put it that way,” Ganal said. “This being the outskirts of hell, sometimes the big boys pay us a little visit. You know kinda like taxing the peasants, only they literally take the taxes out of your hide. Hell loves humans for some damn reason. Rather than fork over a dozen dryads and nymphs we find they’re happy with one lousy human.

  “The Tithe of Hell!” Jeremy said in shock.

  “Yeah, that’s the fancy name for it. Anyway, long time ago some yahoo named Tam Lin rode through a faerie forest in Scotland. He fell off his horse, was found and boffed by the Queen of the Fairies. She gave him a good time and in return all he hadda do was go to hell and be devoured. He bugged out on us with the help of some minx named Margaret. Ever since then Hell’s been taxing us heavy. So if we can ever sacrifice a male member of the Lin family, taxes will go back one lousy fairy or gnome every seven years. When one of the boys realized he’d knocked up a Lin, King Gazarg decided we’d take the youngling, raise him as one of our own and turn him over to Hell. Kid gets a free ride till then, room, board, entertainment.”

  “But isn’t the child half-gnomish?” Jeremy asked.

  “Species comes from the mother with demons,” the gnome said, “just the opposite of the old Greek gods where it came from the father. Jeez, you don’t know shit, do ya?”

  Minutes later they came upon a glen full of satyrs, dryads, goblins, nymphs and gnomes, dancing and feasting around loaded tables and divans. It was a party that Pan would be proud of. Jeremy spotted a boy of about sixteen, dressed in a
toga, with laurel leaves in his long hair. He had an indolent, spoiled look to him as he lounged on a divan, a nymph on each arm.

  “Who’s the brat?” Debbie asked.

  The gnome was laughing silently. “Time doesn’t track with the Realm of Earth here. That’s your baby boy, Tam.”

  Then before they could react, the gnome plunged to the end of his tether and yelled “Hey, Rube!”

  Jeremy jerked the rope dropping the gnome and bashed him on the head with the bloodsword. The red crystal touched the gnome and instantly he was reduced to ash.

  “Crap,” Jeremy said. He quickly rolled up the rope.

  He and Debbie walked out into the silent clearing, dozens of eyes on them. “Tam Lin,” he called. “We’ve come to rescue you. Return you to your family to your mother.”

  Tam stood on his divan. “They’re from Earth,” he screamed. “Good guys. Kill them.”

  “Don’t you understand?” Jeremy yelled. “You’re going to be the Tithe of Hell. Fed to devils when you’re thirty.”

  “Don’t you understand,” Tam shouted back. “I’m up to my balls in Dryads and Nymphs until then! Screw you, mom and Earth. I’m living for today. Get em.”

  “You get the boy,” Debbie snapped. “I’ll handle the rest.”

  “Alone?”

  But Debbie was already among the charging Fairies. Far stronger and faster than human in the realm of Earth, here she was a true demon. She was a blur, grabbing and biting fairies like potato chips.

  Tam fled. Jeremy beat fairies aside with the flat of his blade. After seeing the gnome’s fate, his kin fled the baleful red glow of the stone in his sword hilt. Tam fled into the woods. Jeremy slowed to look back at Debbie. He needn’t have worried.

  Debbie stood atop the feast table. She had her fangs in one Satyrs’ neck, had a dryad under one arm and a nymph caught between her legs. Her eyes glowed red and she practically radiated power. She threw the satyr aside and bit the dryad on the thigh, then spat her out. “Crap, I’m not a damn vegetarian.” She swatted the dryad and seized the screaming nymph. “Smorgasbord,” Debbie yelled. “No diet today, Yee-hah,” and bit the nymph.

  Jeremy raced after Tam but the boy hadn’t run far. He’d run into tent nearby and emerged with a golden trident.

  “Tam,” Jeremy yelled. “Don’t be a fool.”

  “I hate you,” the teen screamed and plunged at Jeremy. The tines of trident glowed an evil green. Jeremy batted the trident aside with his sword and checked his return swing, which would have decapitated the boy. They parried and slashed, circling each other. Jeremy backed against a tree. Tam, thinking him pinned, lunged, but Jeremy blocked left with the sword and the trident struck the tree, sticking in and causing the wood to smoke.

  Jeremy rolled forward, counter-clockwise and swept the boys legs. Tam fell. Jeremy jumped on his chest and struck once to the temple. Tam groaned and slumped. Jeremy quickly bound the boy and heaved him up on his shoulders, then headed back to the glade.

  Debbie stood in the middle of a glade carpeted with gnomes, satyrs and the like. At first he thought they were all dead, but then realized most were moaning, twitching and nursing bites.

  “You got him,” Debbie said. The vampire’s clothes were torn but she didn’t even have a bruise. Her skin glowed with health. She looked a little taller and younger as well. She caught his gaze. “Nah, I didn’t kill any. I was like a bad kid, taking a bite out of every candy bar, not finishing any.”

  “Let’s get out of here before any reinforcements show up.”

  The denizens of the netherworld had evidently had enough of Super-Vamp and the bloodsword. They were unmolested as they returned to the gate. Only a steady stream of threats, pleading and cursing by Tam marred the trip. “Don’t take me back. I’m evil. I’m beyond redemption.” Finally Debbie gagged him with a bit of torn fabric.

  Jeremy went through the gate first. To his relief exiting the hell dimension didn’t require a gnome. He covered Debbie with his long coat and took Tam by the arm and wrestled the boy through the stone gateway.

  Once again smells and colors assaulted his senses. It was still night on the other side. Jeremy yelped and grabbed as Tam almost slipped from his arms. A second before the spoiled teen had been taller than Debbie. Now he shrank till he was a baby again.

  “Well, well, honey,” Debbie said to Tam. “Looks like you get a do-over.”

  Debbie handed Jeremy his coat and took the baby. “From the sky I’d say we’ve only been gone a few minutes, plenty of night left. Trust me. I know the night sky.”

  They rode of over to Sean Lin’s house in Jeremy’s car, hoping no cops pulled them over for not having a child seat. Debbie exchanged her torn top for T-shirt, fortunately fresh, from his gym bag. Jeremy tried to keep his eyes on the road as she changed.

  The Lin house was off Rea Road on a private drive. They rang the bell at the Tudor style home. Sean Lin opened the door after only a minute, clad in a robe. He spotted the baby in Debbie’s arms. “Is that my grandson?

  “Yes,” Debbie said. “He’s all boy too. Gonna be a handful.”

  “Is this your angel friend again?” Sean asked, looking at Debbie.

  Debbie chortled.

  “Not quite,” Jeremy said, “but she’s a friend. Please invite her in.”

  “Don’t stand on manners, my dear,” Sean said. “Come in.”

  “Let’s take care of your changeling problem first,” Jeremy said. He didn’t need any guidance to the nursery he just followed the infantile howling. They opened the door and walked in together.

  The changeling looked more like a one year old than a baby and sat up in the crib. It looked at them and the real Tam Lin.

  “Crap,” the changeling said. “The jig is up.” There was a puff of foul-smelling smoke and the changeling vanished.

  “Daddy?” a voice called sleepily from behind them. “I thought I heard the baby.”

  “You did, Fiona,” Lin said.

  A red-haired girl in a robe entered the room. “Who are these people?”

  “Oh, this is Jeremy and his…wife…Debbie. Their car broke down. Debbie’s a….”

  “Pediatrician,” Jeremy added.

  “I heard the baby crying,” Debbie said

  “I asked her to take a look at Tam,” her father added

  “Oh look,” Fiona said. “He’s trying to nurse on you. Isn’t that cute?”

  “Why you little dickens,” Debbie said sweetly, pulling the baby away from her and giving him a mock smack on the butt. “Here let me give you to mommy for the next twenty-one long years.”

  “Well, good luck to you both,” Jeremy said. He glanced down at the Tam.

  The baby looked up at him with eyes that were wise beyond their years and really, really pissed off.

  The End

  There’s Something in the Woods

  “I think we need a vacation from each other.”

  ”Jeremy, how can you say that? We’ve been together five years.”

  “I know and I feel smothered. We’re always with each other, night and day.”

  They faced each other in his design studio. Jeremy, tall and lanky, stood with his arms crossed, determined not to lose this argument this time. Shadowheart, his guardian angel, floated in midair in her usual guise of a 16 year-old, snub-nosed blonde addicted to the latest fashions. He was glad of that at least; her archangel form was that of a winged, raven-haired Amazon, nearly a foot taller than his six feet.

  “Honestly,” he continued. “I care for you. I really do, but I can’t spend every waking hour with you.”

  “You get into trouble when I am not around.”

  “And I intend to. I plan to head up to the mountains for the fall color. I plan to drink, smoke questionable substances and do a variety of extremely naughty things with as many different women as I can talk into it. In short I am going to try and have fun like a normal twenty-five year old.”

  “You’re not normal; you’re a Knight Templar. Besides
aren’t Templars supposed to be chaste?”

  “Perhaps that’s why there are so few of us.”

  “I think it has more to do with legions of slavering evil,” she said, floating inverted with her legs crossed, as she sometimes did when she was trying to make him laugh.

  “Why don’t you do something as well? You must need a break too.”

  She righted herself and stared at himself. “What?”

  “Come on even angels must have some form of recreation.”

  “The life of an angel is beyond your limited understanding.”

  “Smile when you say that. Seriously what do you do when you see other angels?”

  “We get together at the local pub and complain about our feckless and unappreciative wards.”

  Despite himself Jeremy smiled. “Great. With me for a charge, you must be the star of the bar.”

  Shadowheart sighed theatrically. “Very well, you’re human and I never was. There are things about you that I don’t understand and I’m not sure that I wish to. Perhaps some time apart will be helpful. There are some things I have put off doing in the Overworld that I could attend to. Don’t expect me to answer your phone or email.”

  “It’s just for a week. We’ll be back slaying the forces of evil before you know it.”

  Shadowheart yawned and drifted down on a nearby couch. “Ok. Whatever. Hey, what’s your Netflix password?”

  A day later, Jeremy stood before the immense stone pile of the Grove Park Inn in Asheville NC, a cross between a castle and a hunting lodge. He walked into the interior wooden hall, checked in and ditched his bags. Next stop, the veranda, with its beautiful view of the mountains and valley below. The air was brisk, but an attractive waitress brought him a hot, spiced cider. He took a rocker and contemplated the setting sun as the sky flamed with banners of color and clouds of purple and blue with a blissful feeling of solitude. The gold and crystal housing that Shadowheart rode in, when not corporeal, lay on his dresser at home. The angel’s absence was almost palpable. While he’d spoken the truth about liking his supernatural companion, when it came to fun, she was the ultimate buzz kill.