by IRENE JONES
Club time was my stress release and fun time. Some of the clientele were something to see. I think a handful of these people wandered into the wrong place and just went with the flow, besides some of the closeted people. They knew darn well what kind of atmosphere it was and to expect the unexpected. Reggie, the bartender manager, found his way to the dance floor every break he took. The boy could dance; he would be in his zone and the people on the dance floor spread out and let him go to town.
Alvin Ailey School of Dance is missing one of its dancers. I had to play some of his favorite tunes to keep him dancing. The club had got their license to stay open till 4 a.m., which meant in-house music would play until 3:30am. I enjoyed making myself learn different mixes and styles of play.
Management was really on top of keeping the bathrooms clean, and the bar had to stay stocked and clean. It’s funny, but I was the one that took it personally when it came to the dance floor area.
The standing and sitting room private area had more comfortable seating, which was behind the DJ. Management started having entertainers visit once a month, which was cool. It worked best from a marketing standpoint if clubs were a multi-entertainment establishment. Our first guest was Taylor Jones, a jazz singer with an R&B feel, who had been trending on the charts recently. The guest was on the club’s entertainment side; this way, any autograph and picture taking could be kept under control.
That side was more controlled, and an exit door led to the side where the staff parking was. It was the right decision on management’s part. Thank goodness, it was a more mature crowd that came to dance and party with no drama. I always envisioned myself doing something in the technology world or designing greeting cards, among the other things I saw that I could do. Time would tell. Now I was doing two things I enjoyed. After all the time that had passed, I never wanted to get involved in another relationship until I learned to know what real love is and learned to love myself.
When my mom saw something on the news about anything Gay related or on a show she was watching on TV, she always started in that “God made Adam and Eve, not women and women or man and man.”
I laughed it off, or sometimes said, “Love is love.” The things I’ve seen and heard in my lifetime let me know that I’m not the only one who looks at the people of this world and says, “Can people be that damn evil?” Even the people you thought were right for you. I could go on but, as always, it will not change people. One can only hope.
My work-from-home job kept me busy, and I even had some overtime now and then. There had been some cold days lately, so I was glad I didn’t have to go out of the house to get to work. During that time of year, it started to get extremely cold. Though I had to go out to the club on weekends, the real problem was dealing with the after-bar-closing idiots more than driving on the snow and ice
Last night someone had a surprise party at the club, and it brought in a different type of clientele. Management had to refuse entry to a lot of people. The private party was for one of Reggie’s friends. Some private-pass parties have caused a police presence outside the club.
That means they continually drive by or sit and wait for the club to close to harass the customers. Well, we were lucky none of that happened that night, but it had been known to happen. That incident was the first and last.
Months passed, and Spring was around the corner. We knew there would be some of the college crowd on break, so we had to change the music and remove some tables and chairs. It was a good weekend at the club, and I decided to do a pajama day on Sunday. I caught up on some shows I like and worked on a project I had put off for quite some time.
With Spring coming, that meant the trees would be blooming, too. I always took the time to take pictures of the beautiful colors. I came back in from taking photos and could hear this bass music vibrating the walls. I didn’t know someone lived in that apartment. I thought it was the model apartment. As I passed by, the door opened and an elderly lady came out with her trash, I assumed.
She said, “Hello, how are you?” and I spoke back and went up to my apartment.
The next morning, I was on my way out to go to the store and I ran into the elderly lady again. “Do you like living here, in this area?” she asked.
I said, “Yes, I do.”
“Well, it’s quiet,” she said, “and I can be loud with my music and all.”
I laughed and said, “It doesn’t bother me at all. I DJ on the weekends, so I’m used to hearing loud music.”
She said, “Wow, that’s nice. I used to play at a bar downriver for about twenty years until they changed their clientele.” She laughed and said, “I could keep up with the music; my age was not what they were interested in anymore. Come over some time and see me play a little.”
I told her sure, maybe Sunday early afternoon, and she said okay.
She was feisty and about five foot one, and she had aged well. I noticed she played her music during the time her neighbors were at work. The office was across the hall from her, so she never got complaints. We met up in her place on Sunday. She had a two-bedroom, and one of her rooms showed all kinds of equipment and plaques. I was excited about seeing all this stuff. She has been around the world and everything.
Her name was Ms. Archie, and she was originally from Columbus, Georgia. She said, “I’ve been up north,” in her southern drawl, “for about thirty years and I still miss home. It’s not the same, though. When I moved up here, I got married, had a daughter, and she got married, and I got three beautiful grandbabies. Now they live in a fancy town called Chester Hills. I see them once a month, when they are home long enough. She travels for work, and her husband works twelve-hour days, or so he says.”
We laughed and talked, had tea, and she told me about the places she traveled to; she never mentioned her husband, and I didn’t ask.
We made plans for her to come down to the club one weekend. I told her it was an alternative club. She laughed out loud and said, “Honey, if you only knew.”
Saturday was our busy night because both sides were open at the same time. Ms. Archie was very impressed with the crowd; I had her sit behind me while I played for a while. She decided to mingle and go to the other side; she seemed to fit in just fine, so I didn’t worry.
She came back with a few people and introduced them to me. I was taken by one of her friends. At first sight, it brought back a flashback of the day I met Natalia. Oh, my goodness, this is not even going to happen. Her name was Fran, short for Francesca. She looked to be close to my age, if not the same period. She stared at me for a few minutes, as though she knew me. But then, if she had been here over the past couple of years, that could be why. Ms. Archie grinned a little and said, “See, I told you that you would be surprised by what I’ve seen.”
When we left the club, we went out to eat; that was a first in a long time for me. Fran recommended the place, which was a few miles away. We sat and talked and listened to Ms. Archie stories. From the beginning, Fran was kind of quiet, but she opened up when we got on some political subjects. I’m not a fan of politics, but some of the conversations were very interesting.
The rest of the night went by, and the sun was coming up. Thank goodness this wasn’t a workday. We all said our goodbyes. Ms. Archie still wanted to talk as we all went to our cars. Fran called Ms. Archie over to speak with her and I went ahead to get the car. As we were riding back, Ms. Archie said Fran wanted my number but wasn’t sure if I was interested or not. I had to explain to Ms. A that I have chosen not to be involved with anyone these days, hell for the past ten years, believe it or not.
“Oh, my goodness, what did I say that?”
She said, “Excuse me. You haven’t been in a relationship in ten years?”
“Yes, Ms. A.”
“Baby, what the hell are you, an undercover nun checking out how us homo’s get down.”
I laughed so hard I had to pull over t
o catch my breath before I could explain. “I have been dealing with so many different things over the past decade that I just wasn’t emotionally or spiritually ready.”
“Look, I know you have had to mess around, date off and on, or something,” Ms. A said.
“Nope, I needed to get me together, to understand what a love relationship is.”
Ms. A just shook her head and said, “So, you were screwed over by someone who didn’t have their shit together, so they didn’t know what a real relationship was either.”
“Something like that, but I learned not to blame the other person because I had a choice. I lived in a home that didn’t show affection or have conversations about life. My mom worked most of her young life without getting an education. So, relationships were not something I learned to handle.”
She laughed again, and said “Girl, if you knew the shit I went through with my ex-husband and his damn family. See Q …” This is the name she called me ever since I told her my middle name. She said, “As we all get older and realize what’s better for our lives, we are more open to finding our way for the better. I was with my husband for twenty years, stayed married to his ass for thirty. He knew the real me, but we had a child, lived in the same home, paid the bills together, and all the married stuff. In the past ten years, I’ve been living my best life without looking back. Just last month, we signed the divorce papers, and that was that.”
“Besides, he met some young gal that wanted to move in with him but wouldn’t because we were still married on paper. So, ever since I moved out and invested in a condo in Arizona, I’ve been just living without regrets.”
“A condo in Arizona,” I said, “so I take it you come back here for spring and summers, and then your out west for fall and winter.”
She laughed at me as usual. “Yes, honey, you catch on fast. I invested in some property here, too,” she added.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool. I have to start investing soon. I’m in a 401k for my job, but I can’t seem to save money because I’m always trying to travel for the DJ thing to get familiar with new music.”
She said, “Well, you will always have a job at the club.”
I laughed at that. “Nothing lasts forever.”
“Well, I’m part owner, and I’ve grown to like your personality and your kindness. Oh, and by the way, I own the apartment complex too,” she laughed.
Chapter 11:
Focused
Things were going so well in my life; I was focused on what I loved to do. Hanging out with Ms. Archie has given me the motivation and wisdom to enjoy life even more. She has such an open mind about everything. She doesn’t judge or talk negatively.
We made plans to take a cruise the next year. Ms. Archie said we should see if any others wanted to go. I thought, as I always did, What others, besides the people I met at the club? Well, it didn’t matter because she would be the life of the party.
“I should probably call my child and see if she would be interested, even though she has already been on a couple of cruises.”
Weeks had passed, and the weather was getting hot. Summer days have no mercy sometimes. Ms. Archie had gone to visit with her daughter for a week and let me hold her keys to check her mail and play around with her equipment. New tenants were moving in on the other side of the building, so I had to monitor that while management was out to lunch during the move.
I had so much on my mind lately. I was thinking about where I truly wanted to be living, working, and so on. I realized that life takes effort and constant perseverance. I could keep going at what I wanted to do, either by making it happen a little bit at a time, or by making it a full-time journey.
I can remember my junior high school days and some of the silly things my friends and I did. I also can’t forget how close I was with some of them. Even back then, I would get in trouble for laughing too much or doing things that were funny to our friends and me. It caused us to get in trouble at home and school. I can remember as far back as four years old. The love from my sister made me know how it felt to be loved by a family member. She was the one that kept our family emotionally in check.
Music was something she introduced me to. I knew about the Midnight Train to Georgia and Chaka Khan at an early age. I will never forget those days. Now I was fulfilling some things, and I know she would be so proud of us if she were here. But I need to start living outside myself, instead of inside the house. Relationships are the least of my concern these days. I get to go out every weekend because I love music and I get to play it.
But what about going out to find a partner? As time keeps moving, so does reality. I can’t say I haven’t stopped thinking about someone special. I’ve always wondered, if it happened where my life would be right now. If I were free to be who I am. I call it a no-judgment world.
Chapter 12:
The Neighbor
During times when so many had a choice but didn’t even realize they did, the mind gets caught up in, That’s okay, and then, It will never happen to me thinking. Trying not to remember the past never happens, unless you get a touch of amnesia. So that’s where I come in, the feeling and desire to belong, but it can never happen.
Jealousy, envy, depression, anxiety, you name it and I have been guilty of it all and then some. I live with guilt and confusion. But my heart was full of joy when I was in this person’s presence, it was real and something I wished could last forever.
The conversations and the laughter, as I said before, kept my heart full of love. I am taking life the way I have chosen, and I feel damn good about it. Ms. Archie is back, and, in full effect, she came home cracking jokes and asking if I was married yet.
“Yeah, right, not in this lifetime,” I replied.
She laughed and said, “Let loose just a little, will you?”
“I would, if I didn’t know the drama relationships bring.”
She said, “Oh so real, but that’s what makes associations strong, coming together and compromising, respecting each other, and being oh so real. Well, I believe that, she said, but with a serious look on her face.
“But I believe I didn’t even know what real love was. It was never something I saw growing up, except for the TV, and I call that TV kind of love. Not real, fake. But I wished for it.”
“So, shy girl,” which is what she called me, “so who or what got you clammed up and keeping away from love?”
I laughed, but said, “Nothing. I don’t want what I can’t feel is real.”
She asked, “How you would know if it’s natural if you don’t try it again?”
“Right. Still, I don’t have any interest any more in a relationship. It seems the people I meet are also living with their guard up.”
“Oh, so real,” she said.
“So Ms. Archie, why didn’t you ever settle back down?”
“Well, I had thirty years of marriage on paper. It’s been ten years of separation and five years of a carefree life. A relationship? No, thank you.”
“See, I went through sinful, long-distance crap, living with a crush, baby daddy, attraction of cute and needy, sneaking crap, to ten years of complete shit, and in between, the love of my life, to sexually attracted and trying to save you, and in between the love of my life.”
Ms. Archie looked at me and said, “What kept you from the love of your life?”
“All the things in between, and the fact they were married.”
She said, “Now I see. Do you still speak with this person or see her?”
“Yes, and no,” I replied. “I’ve chosen not to push myself into their life. They were the only person over the past sixteen plus years I ever truly loved. I know that, now, they accepted me, embraced me, and made me feel loved beyond belief.”
“Whoa,” Ms. Archie said. “How could you even handle loving someone you could not have?”
“It wasn’t easy. They
helped me through a rough time. I believe that was one of the main reasons I fell for her.”
We talked and laughed some more before I left out to take my drive. But before I left, Ms. A said, “Have you told all this to this person recently? Maybe you need to talk with her again and just let it out. It may give you that new door to open for your life.”
I laughed and said, “We shall see.”
Chapter 13:
Keeping My Focus
It was a chilly, but sunny, morning to take a walk. I hadn’t done that in a while, but needed to feel physically accomplished. During my walk, I saw what nature could do to the mind: nature changes the rebirth of trees that come back to life in the spring or the clouds that form at any given time of the year, every single year.
Life can be a challenge because we all must deal with each other or even that single one on a daily basis. I invited people into my life by choice, not knowing what it would entail. But the past is just what it is. Past. Therefore, I learned not to mention things of long ago.
I’m learning to use love correctly, if there is such a thing. But when it happens outside of loving myself, it will happen. I knocked on Ms. Archie’s door on my way back in to make sure everything was okay with her. She hit back on the door and said, “You want some coffee or tea?”
I laughed, because she is too funny, no matter what time of day it is. “Would you like some coffee?”
“That would be great, your place or mine?” I was still laughing.
“Well, Ms. Archie, what’s on your schedule for the day?”
She said, “I must go out to the cemetery a little later.”
“Oh, okay. You want company?”
“Sure,” she said. You can help me find my friend’s tombstone.”
“Hmmm. Do you know the area it’s in?”
“Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t, she said. “It’s on the west side of town. I can’t think of the name, but I know how to get there.” She drove and took the surface streets, talking and laughing, and then she said, “You haven’t asked whose gravesite I’m going to see.”