by IRENE JONES
She understood, and we both were tired so we went back to our separate hotels. As I was settling in, alone in my hotel room, my cell phone rang. It was an ole friend. She asked how I was and if I was enjoying my vacation and all.
I said it was alright, “It’s very relaxing here, and I don’t have to hear the constant traffic like I do back home.”
She said she came to the club because an old family friend came out of the closet, and spotted me. “So, don’t think I was there with my girlfriend or partner.” She was laughing the whole time she spoke.
“I honestly was amazed by all the people I know, to see you in what I call an alternative night club because all walks of life come through here,” I said.
“I missed you, our laughter, our hugs, and all of that,” I added.
“Same here,” she replied. “Nothing has changed over the years, and my life has had its moments, but look at how it brought us back here.” I knew she was right, but the timing was so off for me right then.
“The things I wanted to accomplish are coming to pass. I just can’t let myself step back in time and fall back in time,” I explained. “I would love to have my friend back in my life, and what happens years from now doesn’t matter. I miss you.” We talked for hours about past silly stuff we did, how we always emailed each other, and texted back and forth even after we just left each other at work. Together we had so much fun and so many unforgettable moments. We fell asleep talking to each other. I was snoring. I heard her laughing and said, “I’ll talk to you later?”
“Of course, for sure,” she replied.
Since I was on vacation, I didn’t have any plans for the next except walking and ocean watching. The temperature was not as hot as I thought it would be, but then it was only eight in the morning. I can’t believe I finally have been honest with the things of my past. The funny thing is I’m not affected by talking about it. Now, something I say and do concerning my life choices doesn’t bring a certain feeling of guilt. I was sitting there, staring out at a formation of water created for moments such as this.
Chapter 8:
Butterflies Make the
Soul Happy
I was still having feelings about running into the person from my past. I hadn’t seen or talked with them since that night, more than five years ago. Things didn’t turn out the way I wished, or I would be with the love of my life. So, I decided years ago to stay free from drama and other people’s business. Peace of mind is priceless
My tech job had promoted me to full-time work from home. That was a blessing I didn’t see coming. They laid off a lot of the full-time staff last year. They provided the laptop and phone service. I had just enough room in my one-bedroom apartment to set it all up. The club gig was still thriving, and I had taken a trip to pick up some new music and lighting information. I took a trip out to where I use to live back in the day, one of the many drives I took at least twice a month. I decided to go out to Sam’s Club, because I had renewed my membership and just wanted to pick up things I hadn’t purchased in a while.
The lot was quite full and I had to park further back, which was cool. I went in with the intent to pick up a few things, but ended up picking up much more. As I started toward the checkout, I saw the face of my past. Yep, she saw me too. We started talking and laughing about old times like we did when I saw them at the club last. She asked what I was doing out here and I told her that I take drives to old familiar places, and this was one of them.
I do not dare tell her one of the reasons I took a chance to come out here, but I know she knew exactly why. We paid for our things, then went out together and started talking again. She invited me to come over as she used to, and I said we need to make plans for a visit some day for sure. We hugged and smiled at each other, knowing I would have loved to kiss her like we were in love with one another. A fantasy, as someone once called it, is not in the cards.
Before I could get home, she called me. She said “I so wanted to kiss you right in that parking lot.” She started laughing, and then I started laughing, as I told her that in my mind I did, too.
“Why didn’t you?” she asked.
“Because I still have so much respect for her and know some things can’t always be the way we wish.”
It was silent for a few seconds, then she said, “I want to see you soon. I will call you later next week, okay?”
“Sure, no problem,” I replied.
“I love you,” she said before she hung up, and I said the same.
That call is not what I needed at this time. I was hoping that I wouldn’t ever have to let myself go back to where I used to be, to where I struggled so much. What do I do? How do I even attempt to let myself try this again?
Chapter 9:
Working from Home Pays
the Bills
A week passed, and I was not looking forward to getting that call. I started my workday in my PJs. Work from home was so much easier than the hustle and bustle of driving downtown. The calls I get are mostly from corporations. I deal with their arrogance with a smile on my face. I will not complain. It pays the bills. But the economy around the world is looking up. Though poverty still exists, this new generation is making a lot of changes. When I finished work, I checked my mail and ran into a neighbor.
She introduced herself. We talked for about twenty minutes or so, then I decided to take a drive since it was still light out and I needed that relief. As soon as I got in the car, my phone rang. It was my past calling.
She said, “I was thinking about you and realized I was supposed to call you this week to set up a date. I mean a visit.”
I asked her what she was doing right now, and she said she had finally sat down from running errands and cleaning. She was tired , but she had to call as she promised. “Why, you are going to come over and lie down with me?” she asked, and giggled.
“Sure, can I?” I shot back.
She got quiet and said, “Okay, come on.”
This is what I didn’t want to happen. It was the same as the last time we worked together. We teased and flirted, but never crossed the line.
I think I drove for more than an hour, just driving around to places where I used to work. I passed some places that I hadn’t been to in years and years. After the phone conversation, I didn’t know what to do. I was willing to do anything to keep me from stepping backward in my life. Although I still hung around and worked with the LGBTQ community, I had chosen not to let myself get involved with anyone due to my past. My giggly neighbor and I went to play pool a few times and went to a Jazz session not far from our apartment. She talked about her upbringing, and the hard time it was to get a work visa for the U.S. She was an only child, but she had an uncle and cousins that lived here not far from her.
That was a good thing, since she is from Australia. I talked about how I got my tech job and where my part-time job was located. She said she had been to that spot a few times with her cousins. and I agreed it was a popular place. It has been a couple of weeks since I heard from Natalia. Yep, that’s the name I’ve been putting off saying since I saw her in the club. I’m known for being too into, as you would call, not in the life of females.
In the past seven years or so, I hadn’t been in a relationship. I needed to know who I was and what I wanted. I was still questioning my desires and what real love is. My infatuations never last long, as I’m always challenging myself. I think it was the attraction, but I never wanted to be 100 percent open. I still had those thoughts in the back of my mind, It’s not what God would like, Am I good enough, cute enough, and so on.
Then Natalia came along. The first time I saw her, I knew she would be someone special to me. Time went on, and we got close. During some rough times in my life, she kept me sane and loved. We were thick as thieves, Bonnie and Clyde or Thelma and Louise. Then the feelings kicked in, and I had to let go of what could never be. Things changed in her li
fe as well.
We had finally lost touch since she wasn’t in my life like before. My decision wasn’t easy, but if things got too much for my new way of living I decided, I would have to make that change, as Michael Jackson would say. I made investments in the club, equipment like speakers that packed the dance floor. I decided to go on Sunday afternoon during the entertainment rehearsals to do some audio checks and rearrange some things. I ran into Carol, who was in a very up mood.
Carol was talking about expanding the club and giving it a different look. She never once mentioned her relationship or Loreen. I had to say Loreen, because I had been working her nights for two weekends now. I asked if there was word on when she would be coming back in town. Carol said it wasn’t up to her, that the manager and the owners would make that call.
“Okay,” I replied. “Well, let me know so I can start making plans to take a vacation.”
She giggled and said, “I hear you. We all need a break.”
Finally, I had the following weekend off. I guess Carol spoke with management and got Loreen back in town. I decided to go to dinner and a movie. I drove out to one of the malls where it would not be as crowed. I did the first showing of the matinee, then went to a restaurant where I used to work for an early dinner. It was full, and the wait time was about twenty minutes.
As I was waiting, I got a phone call from the club asking if I could come in tonight. “What happened?” I asked Reggie, who was over the bartender staff.
He said, “Girl, it was a mess down here earlier, and Loreen grabbed her shit and left.”
I replied, “Oh, lord. Where is Carol? She usually calls me.”
“Honey, she left out behind Loreen,” he said. “Let me say, the shit hit the fan.”
I was laughing at Reggie, but pissed at the same time. I told him, “Let me call Carol and see what the hell is going on.”
Carol called me before I could get her. She was up and talking so fast that I had to tell her to calm down for a few. She told me that Loreen gave her an ultimatum, Carol had to be with her or Loreen was moving out west to start fresh.
“Things got that deep with you guys?” I asked. “She was asking for a full commitment?”
Carol explained that it had been a private thing for over a year and that she was tired of keeping it quiet. Let me say, this is one of the reasons I just stopped trying to live an alternative type of life.
I have done things and seen things in my life that have caused me just to put things on hold until I truly know what and who, if anyone, to let into my life. I also learned that true love only comes around once, at least in my life. I can’t speak for others. Love is abused and taken advantage of until I can’t tell if it’s true or not.
There’s infatuation, lust, stability, meal ticket, looking for love in all the wrong faces and, in some cases, places. I have been down those roads too many times. I thought about when I found out I had an attraction to females. I could go back as far as junior high school and I had a crush on my female gym teacher. I can remember what she looked like and her full name. My male attraction was there, but it never was as strong as being attracted to females. I’ve dated and dealt with men, but never could get emotionally attached for long, a crush here or there, and that was all.
Other friends and family experiences kept my guard up, and for some reason I just got the attention more from the female species. Some I didn’t even know were interested or weren’t even LGBT people. Carol had put herself in a crazy but familiar position, which only her honesty with herself could pull her out of. I had to be honest with her and say, when you feel your relationship is fading and the feeling of true love has faded, you must be open in that relationship and tell your partner.
She knew things needed to end, but didn’t know how to even talk to her about it. She knew her friend had a feeling things were fading, but she never said anything either.
“Wow,” I said, “I can’t speak for you, but I understand. Been there, done that.” We talked for about two hours before she said she had to go, as Destiny had just come in. I genuinely hope things work out for them. Loreen put herself in a situation with someone who is already involved, and she should know not to let the lust define what you think is love. Nothing would make me more at ease than just living an open life without the drama of relationships. But it’s life, and nothing is a surprise nowadays.
I would love to take a vacation every year and enjoy God’s creative world. But bills have to be paid and life has its ups and downs. For the past two weeks, I have been keeping my distance and avoiding Natalia’s calls and texts. She wants to talk to me, and I just can’t. I feel that if I do, things will go left for my life again, and I’m not trying to do that, or so I keep telling myself. Fall was about to show itself this week. The temps dropped below average for this time of year. I like the fall of the year, if it’s the typical fall and not the in-between, spring and winter all at once.
Weather on the east coast can be very unpredictable. The good part about it, though, is that I work from home and don’t try to pick up on doing different things lately. I want to try finally learning to swim, but it’s hard finding classes with my schedule. Full-time work takes away from the pastime fun. There happens to be a place downtown at one of the new buildings on the river. The age bracket I fit into was not a busy class. So, early on Sunday afternoon, I am going to learn and swim. Yay, me.
Lately, after work, I try to go out at least once a week and treat myself to dinner. I’ve gotten calls from some friends to come to hang out now and then, but I’m such a homebody. I tried to go to a private party for a co-worker. It was out in a very exclusive neighborhood. Now I know my co-worker didn’t live out here, but his friends or family did.
The street was rather dark, with not much lighting. If I had blinked, I would have missed the damn street sign. When I pulled up to park, there were some fancy cars in the circle drive, so I found a spot in front of the house next door. I people watched for a few minutes, and damn, there were some fine men and women walking up to the house.
The crowd wasn’t dressed fancy, like the cars they were driving, but they were cute nonetheless. People watching is my way of always looking but never touching, because it causes a lot of drama. As I got out of the car, I saw the cutest guy, who was there with his partner or a friend. He honestly looked familiar, but it couldn’t be who I was thinking of, because that face was in a freaking magazine. Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised, not with this house and the cars.
After really enjoying myself, it was time to get back home. It was a good thing the traffic wasn’t bad, and I was not drunk. I got back to my place and got the last parking spot near my entrance. My phone rang, and I answered without looking to see who it was.
It was Natalia, who was pissed and upset. She said, “I could have been sick or something worse. Why haven’t you returned my calls or texts?”
I told her the truth. “I didn’t want to let myself get close to you again and start up something that could never be.”
“What makes you think that will happen?”
“Are you comfortable going down that road?”
“You can’t be scared,” she was saying the whole time, and I was about two seconds from hanging up. I got into my apartment and just told her like it was.
“Let me say this once and for all. I’m living a lie. I try my hardest to keep away from temptation. That means not to put me out there emotionally and physically to get hurt.”
Natalia tried to interrupt me, but I said, “Wait, it has been ten years or more that I have kept a special place in my heart for you. Even though I was trying to pretend we’re okay, oone of those relationships was the biggest mistakes I could have ever made. You were there. Even when I was emotionally stressed, you were there.” By this time, I was crying, but I was still telling the truth, finally. “I knew back then I could never be with you that way, but just bein
g a part of your world and family made my life alright.”
Then she said, “I felt the same way, and you know that.”
“Yes, I know, but it still didn’t change my heart.”
“When I was given attention from you, I had just found my Whitney Houston.”
She laughed and said, “Minus the drugs.”
“Right, but I saw the most okay guy or prettiest girl I knew I could never have, and that was you. The best part of what we had … “
“Had?” she said. “We still have each other, more than you know.”
“Listen, Natalia, you accepted me.”
“We laughed together, cried together, hugged every time we saw each other,” I reminded her. “That time I got to take you home, and we talked about us and how we felt. I was like, ‘I’m dreaming.’ For every guy or girl who wanted to be with, they weren’t as fortunate as I was. I feel it was just a part of our time in life. Then time went on, and so much happened in your life. I thought I would never see you again.”
“But we did stay in touch,” she said.
“Yes, we did., and every time I had feelings for the same sex, I thought God would punish me for any pain that I endured because of the desires I had for women. So, it took me out of the equation of that part of my life.”
She said, “It’s funny. I thought about that too. I honestly didn’t know how to handle it. Just too friendly.”
I laughed out loud. “Yes, you are,” I said to her.
Chapter 10:
Time away Didn’t
Change You
We talked for about three hours about the past and things we had done. It was like old times. I missed her dearly, but life must happen, and she was a huge part of my life. We met every Friday and went out to lunch, or I went to her house to visit with her family. I missed seeing them, as well. We decided to love each other with a unique bond.