Autumn's Light

by Aurora Rey

  Mat couldn’t argue the truth of Brooke’s assessment, but it didn’t sit well. Despite keeping her sexual activities a secret from her parents, she’d always thumbed her nose at the value judgments people placed on promiscuity. Commentary about her own behavior never bothered her before, so why should it now? But since she’d already been snippy once that evening, Mat kept her thoughts to herself. “Eh, not all that often.”

  “Not like I would judge, seeing as how you and I had one of the hookups in question.” She rolled her eyes, but smiled.

  Mat wanted nothing more in that moment than to get out of there, away from talk about relationships and sexual pasts. But since Brooke had comped her drink, it would be rude to just take off. She decided to steer the conversation as far away from herself as possible. “Tell me about you and Audrey.”

  It was the right tactic. Brooke’s face softened and she talked about the blissful state of her life until more customers walked up in search of libation. Mat finished her drink and tried to think of a graceful exit strategy. She glanced at her watch. It was barely ten. She angled away from the bar for a moment and watched the crowd.

  She made eye contact with a few people she recognized, a few she didn’t. A woman with long dark hair and deep brown eyes held her gaze. Mat nodded a casual hello. The woman returned the greeting with a slow, seductive smile. Under normal circumstances, Mat would take that as all the invitation she needed. She’d cross the room, buy a drink. Friendly conversation might lead to more.

  Tonight her feet remained planted. Whether it was her comment to Graham about seeing only her or something else, she just wasn’t feeling it. She looked away before accidentally giving the woman the wrong impression and sighed.

  “Is it really as bad as all that?” Brooke’s voice behind Mat made her chuckle.

  “Apparently.” Mat turned and found another drink waiting for her. She didn’t have the heart to tell Brooke she didn’t even want it.

  “That one over there seems interested.” Brooke angled her head just a fraction. Mat didn’t need to look over to know who she was talking about.

  “Yeah. She’s hot, too. I just, I don’t know.”

  “Sounds to me like you’ve got one of two problems.”

  Mat leaned on the bar and gave Brooke her full attention. “What’s that?”

  “Either you’re coming down with something and you’re off your game, or,” she paused for effect, “you’re in love.”

  Adamant refusal was probably just as damning as agreement, so she did neither. She took a long drink from her glass. It held more vodka than soda. “Not thrilled with either of those options.”

  “I don’t know.” Brooke shrugged playfully. “Being in love isn’t so bad.”

  Mat put her glass on the counter. “If you say so. Are you sure I can’t pay you for these?”

  “I insist.”

  Mat nodded. “Thanks. I’m going to get out of here.”

  “I hope you feel better soon, either way.”

  “Thanks.” Mat slipped on her coat, offered a parting wave, and wound her way through the crowd. She could feel the dark haired woman’s eyes on her, but she kept her gaze in front of her. The only thing she hated more than being turned down was having to do the turning down herself.

  Out on the street, the night had a definite chill. Mat paused and zipped her coat, not quite ready to head home. Brooke’s words remained stuck in her mind.

  It wasn’t like she hadn’t considered the idea she might be in love. She’d spent far too much time with Graham—quiet, intimate time as much as sex or going out and having fun—for it not to cross her mind. On some levels, it didn’t even bother her. She’d expected to be overwhelmed by it, that all-consuming manic feeling she remembered from her youth. It was different with Graham, though, more reassuring. It was being able to imagine a future with her, and liking what she saw.

  Not that it was all wine and roses. Mat had plenty of anxiety, too. She didn’t like feeling she wasn’t in full control of her destiny. Nor did she relish the idea of trying to integrate Graham into her family. Even if the anniversary party hadn’t been a complete disaster.

  “Decided I could use a little fresh air myself.” They’d never spoken, but Mat knew who was behind her. The voice was low and silky, casual but confident.

  Mat turned and, sure enough, found herself face to face with the woman from the bar. She was even more beautiful close up. “I was actually going to call it a night.”

  The woman’s eyes danced. “Is that an invitation?”

  On a thousand other nights, Mat wouldn’t have hesitated. She loved women who weren’t afraid to take charge, who knew what they wanted. Mat could imagine going home with her, or taking the woman back to her place. It would be easy and uncomplicated and everything she’d always believed she wanted. Now, it felt, not bad exactly, but flat. Underwhelming. “I’m not feeling great, I’m afraid. I think I’d make for pretty lousy company.”

  “That’s too bad.” The woman looked disappointed, but only mildly so. “I hope you find a cure for what ails you.”

  “Thanks. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” God, that sounded cheesy. She was losing her touch, or maybe she really was under the weather.

  The woman offered her a bland smile. “I’ll be just fine.”

  She went back to the bar and Mat stood on the street. She looked up at the sky. Thin clouds moved quickly, veiling the moon without blocking its light. She’d gotten herself into a fine mess all right, with no idea how to navigate it. Mat sighed and started walking, not in the direction of home yet, just walking.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  The shrinking schedule of the Dolphin Fleet meant that, even with the time she’d been spending with Mat, Graham had time on her hands. She figured Will was in the same boat, so Graham cajoled her into meeting at The Flour Pot for coffee and possibly lunch. When she arrived, the whole place smelled of coffee and freshly baked delightful things. Graham breathed it in and wondered why she didn’t make an excuse to come more often, especially now that she sort of knew the owner and the cook.

  Will was already there, putting in an order for her usual—black coffee. Graham wrinkled her nose and settled on a chai. While waiting for their drinks, they went over to claim a table by the window, waving a hello to Alex’s wife, Lia, who was working at the next table over.

  “I’m going to go say hi to the baby,” Will said.

  Graham eyed the bundle in the stroller next to Lia. “Not without me.”

  They approached the stroller together. Will leaned down and gave Lia a hug. “How’s my favorite mama?”

  “So much better now that this one is sleeping mostly through the night.”

  “Well, you look fabulous,” Will said.

  Graham, who’d been peeking to see if Maeve was awake, nodded. “Agreed.”

  “Y’all are both very sweet. Especially since I’m sure you came over to see her and not me.”

  Will’s face grew serious. “I’m sorry. You’re probably getting that a lot.”

  Lia laughed. “I am, but I don’t mind. It comes with the territory. Do you want to hold her?”

  Graham and Will both nodded. Lia scooped the baby from the stroller. She was wearing a fleece onesie covered with dinosaurs and had a swirl of dark brown hair on her tiny head. Graham thought her heart might melt at the sight of it. Will took her first and looked like an absolute natural. Even though she and Nora had no plans to have kids of their own, it was clear she had the touch when it came to babies.

  When it was Graham’s turn, she took Maeve into her arms. Brown eyes blinked up at her, looking as serious as any adult’s. Her tiny fingers curled and uncurled as she moved her arm back and forth. She’d yet to turn one, but she made noises that sounded like an attempt at real words. Graham sighed and gave in to the urge to smell the top of her head. “She’s absolutely perfect.”

  Lia beamed. “Thank you. I mean, I know I’m biased, but she really is.”

&n
bsp; Will and Graham’s drinks were called. Will nodded at Lia’s computer. “We won’t keep you.”

  Graham nodded and, with just a hint of reluctance, settled Maeve back in the stroller. “If you need a babysitter, especially between now and April, you call me.”

  Lia pointed at her playfully. “Considering I only seem to get work done while she’s sleeping, I’m going to remember that.”

  “I hope you do.”

  Will grabbed their drinks and they settled in to catch up. Graham held her chai in both hands and took a sip. She loved the first really chilly days of fall—all warm beverages and chunky sweaters. Even if it meant her work season was nearly over and she’d have to find some odd jobs to get through winter. “You’re looking extra blissful today.”

  Will shrugged and offered a bashful smile. “I’m good.”

  Graham had the feeling Will was one of those people who didn’t like to brag about how happy she was. She wondered if it had to do with jinxing herself or not wanting to come across as smug. “It’s okay. You don’t have to hold it in. One, you deserve it. Two, knowing you’re happy makes me happy.”

  Will’s smile grew. “I’m so freaking happy.”

  Graham returned the smile. It really was infectious. “Good.”

  Will set down her coffee. She folded her arms and leaned forward on the table. “What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “Are you blissful?”

  “Um.” She wasn’t unhappy, but she wouldn’t use the word bliss, either. “I don’t think I can put myself in the same category as you.”

  Will frowned. “It’s not meant to be a comparison. Or a competition.”

  “Competition, no. But I don’t think it’s wrong to look at what you and Aunt Nora have and want that for myself.” She lifted a shoulder. “At least in the long run.”

  Will’s face was full of empathy. “I hear you. I give you lots of props trying the no strings attached approach, but—”

  “But you know me better than that.” Graham sighed. “You can say I told you so. I don’t mind.”

  “You know I don’t want to say that.” Just the idea seemed to make Will uncomfortable.

  “I know. You’re unflappably nice.”

  “Stop.” Will smiled sheepishly and blushed a little.

  “Okay, fine. Will you tell me the truth, though? Like, complete honesty?”

  “The truth about what?” A shadow of worry came into Will’s eyes.

  “Mat and me. Am I pinning my hopes on something that doesn’t stand a chance?”

  The look of worry intensified. Will took a sip of her coffee, studied her cup. Eventually, she said, “I don’t know.”

  Graham could tell that it pained Will to say that, which made it even worse to hear. “I think I’m in love with her, Will. What am I going to do?”

  Will reached across the table and squeezed Graham’s hand. “I’m afraid I don’t know that either.”

  “Yeah.” She didn’t expect Will to have the answer, but it would have been nice to hear something wise and reassuring.

  As if sensing her thoughts, Will continued. “There’s something to be said for persistence, and for being patient. That’s what I had to do with Nora.”

  Graham remembered the weeks following Aunt Nora’s car accident. Nora and Will had been broken up at the time, but Will kept showing up, day after day. Not in a pushy, stalkery way. She proved to Nora that she wasn’t going to cut and run and, eventually, Nora trusted her enough to share her heart.

  As much as she wanted to see the parallels, there were some critical differences. Mainly, she never doubted that Nora was in love with Will. She was stubborn as hell, but Graham knew in her heart they loved each other. She did not have that same level of certainty when it came to Mat’s feelings.

  “—standing up for what was in my heart.”

  Graham blinked at Will. “I’m sorry. I totally zoned for a second. What did you say?”

  Will smiled and seemed not the least bit annoyed that Graham had tuned her out. “I said it wasn’t just perseverance. I got to the point where I had to own the fact that I wasn’t satisfied, that I wanted more.”

  Graham made a face. “Wait. Are you telling me to be patient or to give her an ultimatum?”

  “Neither. First, I would never tell you what to do. Second, I think the answer is most often somewhere in the middle.”

  “Yeah.” So not helpful.

  “Hey, now. I meant that in a positive way.”

  Graham didn’t doubt Will’s intentions for a second. But she wasn’t sure this chat was bringing her any closer to a decision, much less a course of action. “I know. I appreciate it.”

  Will quirked a brow. “I’m pretty sure you’re lying.”

  Graham laughed at the assertion, mostly because it was true. “I do appreciate the company, and the pep talk. Even if I sort of just want to be told what to do.”

  “If this is a pep talk, can I say that you deserve someone who adores you, without qualification?”

  “And you don’t think Mat is that person?” As much as she wanted advice, she dreaded that would be Will’s take on the situation.

  “I don’t know her well enough to know if she is or she isn’t. I’m not a fan of her being standoffish the second you seem to be getting serious.” Will paused, sighed. “But the way she looked at you that night we all had dinner felt like she was a woman in love, or close to it.”

  “So, what do I do?”

  “You decide if Mat, and what you have, is worth fighting for.”

  Graham’s shoulders slumped. “What if we don’t have it yet, but I think we could?”

  “Then you have to decide how long you’re willing to wait.” Will shrugged. “As well as how hard you’re willing to push.”

  Graham nodded. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone. And I don’t think I’m imagining that she feels the same.”

  “But you’re not sure she’s brave enough.”

  The word brave stopped Graham in her tracks. “You know, I’ve been so worried about whether she wanted it badly enough, I never thought about whether she had to be brave.”

  “Family dynamics can be hard.”

  “You’re right. I have to remember that.” That one comment made Graham feel better about her potential future with Mat than any reassurance Will could have offered. Especially given Mat’s history, it made perfect sense that she’d be hesitant to wade into those waters again.

  “Now, do you want to get some lunch? I have it on good authority the portobello mac and cheese is amazing.” Will angled her head in the direction of the kitchen.

  “Are you enjoying having a sister-in-law?”

  They walked back to the counter. “I am. It’s almost as much fun as having a nephew.”

  Graham smiled. “I always wanted nieces and nephews.”

  “Mat comes from a big family, right?”

  “Yeah.” She hadn’t met Mat’s brothers or their kids, but she’d fantasized about becoming part of such a large and close-knit clan.

  Alex had replaced Jeff at the register and she offered them both a smile. “Hey, you two. What can I get you?”

  “Hi, Alex.” Graham perused the menu, even though she’d already made up her mind. “I’ll have the mac and cheese, please.”

  Will didn’t even pretend to look at the other offerings. “Same for me.”

  “Coming right up.” Alex punched their order into the small screen.

  Will took out her wallet, but Graham waved her off. “You’re providing free therapy. The least I can do is buy your lunch.”

  “You’ve done as much for me a dozen times at least.” Will put her wallet away. “I’m agreeing, but with the understanding I get to reciprocate soon.”

  Graham rolled her eyes, but laughed. “Fine.”

  With no one else in line, Alex disappeared into the kitchen. But instead of returning with their food, Darcy emerged. Graham watched Will’s face light up and they exchanged a hug
. Graham was thinking how nice it must be, having a sister-in-law. But before she could give much thought to her own wants in that department, Darcy gave her a squeeze as well. “You have to stop buying your food before I know you’re here. How am I ever going to treat you to lunch?”

  Graham smiled. “You don’t need to treat me to lunch. I helped because I wanted to. I love Will and Aunt Nora, so I love you and Emerson by extension.”

  Darcy shook her head. “Not good enough. Will you come over for dinner? You and Mat, we could make it a double date.” She looked at Will. “Or a triple.”

  Darcy’s invitation was exactly what she’d dreamed of when she decided to make Provincetown home. It felt so close, and still just out of her reach. She sighed. Maybe not for long. “I’d love that.”

  “You have my number, right? Text me a few dates that would work for you and we’ll make it happen.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Alex returned, carrying two bowls. She handed them to Will and Graham and they returned to their table. Graham took a bite of her food. So good. She let out a sigh and smiled.

  “It’s delicious, right?”

  “It is.” Graham realized, though, it wasn’t her lunch that was making her smile.

  Will definitely picked up on the change. She studied Graham. “What are you thinking right now?”

  “I’m thinking that some things are worth the wait.”

  Will angled her head. “I don’t disagree, but I’m curious what tipped the scales for you.”

  Graham searched for the words to express the shift she’d just experienced. “I’m not sure they tipped. I’m just feeling a bit better about knowing what I want. Does that make sense?”

  Will nodded. The sympathetic look was back. “I know exactly what you mean.”

  * * *

  After her sorry attempt at a night out, Mat found herself thinking more and more about her conversation with Graham. At the time, Graham hadn’t pushed for more of a relationship than they had, but it still left Mat feeling antsy and inadequate. Her initial reaction was to blame the unease on Graham, on her wanting and needing more than Mat had to give. Yet, the more she thought about it, the weaker that argument became.