‘Sim. Yes. The idiota government official—he go into enclosure because he see no snake. Flávia, she try to stop him. She get the bites.’
An overwhelming sense of horror swept through him. Filling every last dark corner and jagged crevice inside of him. Snuffing out all the little atoms of light she had begun to leave there.
He’d never known anyone like Flávia. The thought of losing her was almost too much to withstand. Following Raoul, they entered where Cesar had Flávia on a table.
‘Is she okay?’ His tongue felt too thick for his mouth, his lips numb.
This was why he didn’t do emotion. This was why he’d carried on the harsh lessons having parents like his had taught him, and kept himself detached.
Because he had no doubt that he had never felt worse than he did, right at this moment.
‘No.’ Cesar looked up, his face grim, his eyes flashing with a combination of fear and fury as he took the supplies from Raoul.
Disastrously, it was the fear that seemed to be winning out. Though he knew Cesar would never succumb to it.
‘Antivenom,’ Cesar demanded urgently, all but snatching the vials that Raoul presented to him. ‘I can’t stabilise her blood pressure.’
Jake advanced into the room, his eyes trained on Flávia.
‘What can I do?’
‘I need to administer an initial bolus dose of AVS, and immobilise the affected lower limb.’
‘You deal with the limb, I’ll get an intravenous catheter for the AVS.’ He quickly picked up the kit he needed.
The medical bit was something he could do eyes closed. And it made him feel as though he was acting instead of simply watching. Dreading.
Jake efficiently inserted the catheter so the AVS could be administered continually, before checking the bandages Cesar had applied. They were tight, but not so tight that they threatened too-tight arterial compression.
‘Good,’ he muttered, stepping forward to perform a fresh set of obs.
‘We have called ambulância aérea?’ Cesar asked.
‘Air ambulance?’ Jake nodded and looked towards Raoul. ‘They’re on their way?’
‘Sim.’
That was good, at least.
‘You will travel with Flávia?’ Cesar asked Jake quietly.
He wanted to say yes. He’d never wanted something so much in his life. Flávia looked so small, so fragile, that something in Jake’s chest seem to crack wide open. He could hardly bear to see her there. But he had Brady to think about.
Not just in this moment, something nagged at him. But for life.
‘No,’ he ground out. ‘You must go. You know more about the snake that bit her. I’ll get Raoul and Fabio to lead Brady and me back out.’
He barely waited for Cesar to agree before he resumed his continual monitoring of Flávia—checking her vitals, making sure she was still alive—and with each moment that ticked by, the reality of the situation rammed home inside him and words scraped against the roof of his mouth, paring away at it.
This wasn’t something he’d ever thought he could, or would, say to anyone. But he needed to say it. Here. Now.
He covered her smooth hand with his, before sliding his other hand beneath it, too. As though he could protect her from every possible storm, when the real truth was that he couldn’t protect her from anything, because Flávia Maura was that storm.
And he told her that she was a glorious, wild, terrifying monsoon. And that he...loved her for it. If this flawed, terrifying thing he felt could even be called love.
Although if it was love, his voice cracked at that point, how would he even know?
Abruptly, Cesar’s radio crackled into life and a voice alerted him to the fact that the ambulância aérea had arrived. And Jake stepped back, waiting for them to come through the doors.
* * *
It was just over twelve hours later when Flávia stirred from sleep in her hospital bed as the doctor came in to check on her. Jake’s neck was killing him from the awkward position he’d been sleeping in in the wingback chair, but he didn’t care.
Maria and Eduardo were still asleep—Maria on the couch, and Eduardo in a similar straight-backed chair. They had only dropped off around three in the morning, and he was loath to wake them, but he knew they wouldn’t miss this moment for a second.
He tried to follow as the doctor chatted with Flávia, and from Maria’s tearful laugh and vigorous nodding, and Eduardo looking slightly less pale than before, it seemed to be good news. He clenched his hands in his pockets; it had never been this hard to be patient before, but they’d been good enough letting him join them in the room. The least he could do would be to bite his tongue.
Still, it felt like an eternity before the doctor left and his heart lifted a fraction more as he watched Maria and Eduardo hug each other, then Flávia, then each other again. And then they both hugged him.
‘We’re going for breakfast,’ Maria told him, patting his arm. ‘Give Flávia a chance to tell you...the news.’
He waited for them to leave before crossing the room. Lowering his head, he stroked her hair and planted a soft kiss on her forehead.
‘I take it it’s good news, then?’
‘There’s some localised swelling and oedema, and they want to keep me in a bit longer for observation, but the preliminary assessment is that I am going to be all right.’
‘That’s good,’ he managed. It was impossible to articulate how relieved he felt. Nonetheless, his mind was whirling. ‘How is that even possible?’
‘They can’t say for certain, but there are a few theories. First off, it was a very young bushmaster. Also, it didn’t deliver the kind of bite that I know it could have. And because I’ve been bitten so many times during my career—not just by bushmasters, but by other snakes, by spiders, bullet ants, there’s quite a list—my body has built up some immunity to toxins. Enough that, when combined with the antivenom I received, and the fact that it was administered so quickly, I seem to be remarkably okay.’
‘So there won’t be any long-term effects?’
For an instant, he thought she hesitated, as though there was something more to say, but then she smiled. A tight, tired smile, but a smile nonetheless.
It had to be just his edginess which had him seeing things that weren’t really there.
‘They won’t know for certain until all the test results come back,’ Flávia told him, and this time he was sure her voice sounded odd. Strained. ‘But as I said, preliminary findings look good.’
He wasn’t sure he could take her lying to him.
‘Is there something you aren’t saying?’ he bit out.
She hesitated again.
‘Is it true that you were in that room with Cesar? That you took charge like it was one of your operations?’
‘Anyone would have,’ he managed gruffly.
‘I remember hearing certain things...’ she managed after a while. ‘At least, I think I did. It’s kind of hazy.’
It took him a moment to realise that it was a question.
‘What did you hear?’ he demanded, his voice clipped.
She flushed, and he knew what she was going to say.
‘Something about me being...a monsoon? And—’ she stopped, her cheeks flushing even darker before she dropped her voice to little more than a whisper ‘—and that you love me?’
‘I also said I don’t even know what love is,’ he rasped. ‘And it doesn’t matter either way.’
‘I think you do,’ she began before pausing. Frowning. ‘What do you mean it doesn’t matter?’
He would have given anything to wipe away the wary look that had just clouded her beautiful features.
Instead, Jake thought of Brady, and he slammed a steel cage shut around his chest. And whatever it was that might, or might not, be inside it.
&nb
sp; ‘It doesn’t matter because I can’t be with you.’
He heard her sharp intake of breath. Saw her pale. But he couldn’t cede. Not now. There was more than just him and her to think about.
‘You don’t understand...’ she began helplessly, but he cut her off.
‘I think I do,’ he said. ‘You once told me that you love your job, that it’s who you are. And you said that if a person loved you enough, they wouldn’t ask you to change that.’
‘I remember,’ she managed.
‘Well, I’m not asking you to change. I know who you are and I accept that.’
‘Jake...’
‘But I can’t be with you. I can’t put Brady through what I went through today. I won’t.’
He ignored the sharp lance of pain, just as he shut his ears to the taunting voice, needling that maybe it wasn’t just Brady he wanted to spare from the pain of today.
That maybe he himself couldn’t stand to go through it again.
But he refused to ask her to change who she was. That would be like finding a bird of paradise, only to clip its wings to prevent it from flying. And Flávia deserved to fly.
He just couldn’t stand to watch her get too close to the sun.
‘I see,’ she managed at last.
And he thought the brittleness of her voice might topple him once and for all.
‘Well, listen, Jake. Thanks for being here, but you really shouldn’t.’
‘I don’t have to go right this second,’ he told her gruffly, a tightness lodged in his throat. A huge part of him madly wanting to claw every word back.
Wishing things were different. And he’d never been the kind of man to wish for things that couldn’t be.
‘I can stay. Until you’re on your feet,’ he rasped. ‘In fact, right now there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.’
For a fraction of a second, her whole face appeared to soften and threatened to crumple. He moved in, on some insane whim, to kiss it smooth, but Flávia turned her head and seemed to steel herself, right before his eyes.
‘But there’s somewhere else I would rather you were.’
‘Sorry?’ He wasn’t sure he was following her.
Again, she hesitated, as if she was having second thoughts. Or perhaps that was just his imagination.
Everything in him was spinning. Sliding this way and that as though it didn’t know where it was meant to be.
‘This is a time I should have my family around me,’ she said firmly. Pointedly. ‘And you have your own family to care for.’
He’d hurt her. He hadn’t wanted to, but what choice was there? It was her or Brady. Still, it didn’t mean he found it that easy to turn his back on her. Not when every fibre of his being was howling at him to change his mind. To find a way to make it work.
‘Brady is with Luis,’ he managed. ‘And Julianna and Marcie.’
‘But he should be with you,’ she answered, and he felt the barb as surely as if she’d jabbed it into his skin.
‘You want me to go now,’ he realised.
He could hardly blame her after all he’d just said, so this was no time to succumb to this offensive, putrid thing sloshing around inside him.
‘Message understood.’ He stood. Stiffly. Awkwardly. ‘I should have thought. I won’t disturb you any longer.’
‘Jake...’ she whispered, looking suddenly pained. ‘It’s just...you’re right. It wouldn’t be fair on Brady, for a start. That kid has been through enough with his mother without having to deal with...this.’
She was grasping. Making excuses. He could read her as easily as he could read an X-ray.
My God, does she actually pity me?
‘Don’t concern yourself,’ he managed flatly. ‘As you so unambiguously put it, Brady is my family, my responsibility. Not yours.’
Even though he’d made his decision, his heart still cracked when he thought about trying to explain to Brady why he wouldn’t be seeing Flávia, or Maria, ever again. To say nothing of Eduardo, or the girls. But Flávia was right—it was better that than his young nephew ever seeing Flávia like this. Or worse.
Jake had managed to whisk Brady home from the forest with the quiet assistance of Fabio without panicking him about what had happened to Flávia. The official line was that she’d been called away for a government inspection and that was it. He could never bear to tell the boy that something had happened to her.
He wasn’t sure he would ever be able to bear hearing it himself. Which only seemed to confirm that it wasn’t just Brady’s heart he was trying to protect.
Not that he cared to dwell on that particular realisation right now.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
‘FOR THE LAST TIME, Livvy, will you just call the guy and tell him how you feel? Before you dust the paint off my favourite vases?’
Miles away, her sister’s voice finally penetrated Flávia’s subconscious and she looked up from her cleaning task. She lurched forward, knocked a vase, steadied it and stared at Maria loftily.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
Maria rolled her eyes.
‘Of course you do. You’ve been moping around for the last month. Ever since Jake and Brady left for England.’
So much for thinking that she’d contained her feelings well. Still, Flávia pulled back her shoulders and thrust her head a little higher into the air.
But it was exhausting, trying to pretend that her heart wasn’t smashed into a billion tiny fragments.
She should never have sent Jake away. Never. But what choice had she had? Once the doctor had told her the news.
‘Should I remind you that I got bitten? That I’ve been unwell? If I have been acting a little oddly, it’s because I’m under the weather. Not because I’m moping!’ She practically spat the word out.
Maria levelled a direct stare at her. ‘You’ve been moping.’
‘No, I—’
‘You love the guy and he loves you. So why make a drama out of it when all you have to do is call him and tell him you’re sorry?’ she added archly.
‘I don’t love him,’ Flávia protested—poorly, probably, since this was to her sister. She felt too hot. Too...tight. ‘But even if I did, Jake Cooper certainly doesn’t love me.’
‘He loves you. And if you explain why you lied, he may just understand and still love you.’
It was foolish, the spark of hope that danced inside her chest. Moreover, it was dangerous.
‘I didn’t lie, I just omitted one detail. And only because they still had no idea at that time what would happen, given the bite,’ she parroted out the excuse she’d been telling herself ever since that morning.
‘You lied,’ Maria stated flatly. ‘And you know it.’
Flávia began to deny, then thought better. She rubbed her hands over her eyes.
‘It’s more complicated than that.’
‘Only if you make it more complicated.’
‘No.’ She shook her head at her sister, her shoulders starting to slump as the fight left her. ‘You’re right. He talked to me about love, but when I got bitten he realised that he couldn’t be with me. He couldn’t put Brady through that if next time I wasn’t as lucky. If next time, the bite is fatal.’
‘Couldn’t put Brady through it, or himself?’ Maria wondered, more to herself than to Flávia.
Either way, Flávia’s pulse kicked up a notch. Had she wanted Maria to argue the point? Somehow?
‘Turns out Jake isn’t so different from Enrico.’
‘He’s completely different,’ her sister refuted instantly. ‘And I know you know that, too.’
‘How? How is it different, Maria?’ cried Flávia. ‘They both ultimately needed me to give up my snakes, my career, to be with them.’
‘Not your career, just the dangerous part. The same bit tha
t you yourself have talked about giving up ever since you found out about the baby. You need to call Jake, Livvy.’
‘Call him and say what?’ Flávia lifted her hand and dropped it against her thigh in despair. ‘That I’m pregnant, but whilst I seem to be okay, the doctors still have no idea how the bite might have affected the baby?’
‘It’s a start.’
‘Right,’ she snorted, but it was more like fear, regret and grief all merging into one harsh sound. ‘So, get Jake to drop everything and drag Brady halfway across the world for a baby that might not even survive.’
‘I think Jake would rather prefer that to being left in the dark, the way he is now,’ Maria pointed out, not unkindly.
‘I don’t think he would,’ Flávia countered defiantly, as if that could somehow quell her jangling nerves.
Frankly, she had no idea what Jake thought. She wasn’t sure she had ever really known. Though her sister didn’t need to know that.
‘I’m telling you, when it comes down to it, there are no differences between Jake and Enrico.’
‘There are lots of differences.’
‘Go on, then. Give me one of them.’
She hadn’t realised how desperately she wanted to make that distinction until she levelled the question at her sister.
‘I’ll give you two,’ Maria replied. ‘First, Enrico gave you an ultimatum a year after he’d already asked you to marry him. Mainly because you didn’t exactly rush to set a date, and deep down he knew that you weren’t as eager to marry him as he was to marry you.’
‘I loved him,’ Flávia lied.
‘No, you didn’t, and you know that. You’re just being obstinate now. You would never have gone to the lengths for him that you went to for Jake these past few months.’
‘I was looking out for Brady, his seven-year-old nephew,’ Flávia pointed out hotly as something swelled up inside her.
Something she couldn’t—or didn’t want to—yet identify.
‘You were,’ Maria agreed with a delicate lift of one shoulder. ‘But you were also doing it for Jake.’
‘And the second difference?’ Flávia demanded.
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