by Cara E Holt
I laugh. “Yeah, we probably should.”
He lifts me down grinning and takes my hand in his. “Come on let’s go roller skating.”
We arrive at the roller rink and get our skates. Grayson is on the rink and waits for me to step on. I haven’t roller skated since I was a kid, so I was apprehensive. Grayson’s hands rest on my waist.
“You okay?”
I laugh. “No. I think I’m going to go arse over tit and embarrass myself.”
He laughs. “Come on, I’ll look after you.” He keeps one hand on my waist and takes my hand with the other and skates us slowly away from the wall. I wobble and laugh, and he tightens his hold on my waist.
Izzy skates up beside us. “The others are on their way.”
My heart sinks. I wanted it to be just the four of us. “Great.” I say plastering on a smile.
I manage with Grayson’s help to start skating, I’m slow and keep near the wall but I am moving and that is progress. Izzy whizzes past and grabs Grayson’s hand and drags him off for them to have a race around the rink. Dom wobbles up beside me.
“Show offs.”
I laugh. “Aren’t they just.” Grayson is skating backwards, laughing at something Izzy is saying.
“Hey, hey.” A voice behind us announces and we turn to see Owen, Jacob and Ben. The girls are behind them lacing up their skates. Owen gives me a cheeky wink.
They all pile on to the ice and Owen comes and skates alongside me, laughing at me when I panic and have a wobble. Grayson keeps his distance now that the others are here and to be honest it pisses me off a little. I take myself off the rink after half an hour of skating, deciding I need a drink. I queue up at the counter and am ordering myself a can of coke when I feel a hand on my back.
“Get me one, will you?”
I grab myself and Izzy drinks and follow her over to the seating area. I watch Grayson move around the rink with Jessica.
“You know, you could just go out there and claim your man.”
I look over at her and realise she has been watching me, watching them.
I shrug. “We both agreed that in public, this is what we were.”
Izzy sighs as she opens her can. “You’re both too stubborn to admit what you both want. He,” she says pointing at Grayson, “is too worried about the ribbing he will get from the boys for finally having a relationship, and you,” she says pointing at me, “are too proud to admit that you want him after publicly announcing you never would.”
I gawp at her and realise I don’t know how to reply, so I don’t and just take a swig of my drink and avert my eyes back to the rink.
“Ignore me all you want, but you know I am right.”
We are thankfully interrupted by Dom, who flops down on a chair between us. “That is me done. I’m sick off falling on my arse.”
Izzy laughs and squeezes his cheeks. “Aw my poor baby.”
Dom shrugs her off laughing. “I say we call it a day and head somewhere else.”
“I’ll go round the others up.” Izzy announces.
Fifteen minutes later, we are all headed to the car park.
“Shall we all head back to mine?” Grayson asks, and everyone agrees.
I look over at Dom. “I might go home if that’s okay?”
Dom looks at me and then over Grayson. “Yeah, sure I’ll drop you home first.”
I can feel Grayson’s eyes on me, but I pretend not to notice and climb in the back of the car.
I climb in the back of the car and Grayson climbs in the front forcing Izzy in the back with me.
Once we are driving and away from the others Grayson turns and looks at me. “Why are you going home?”
I shrug. “Because I want to.”
He tuts and looks away. “Suit yourself.”
“Yeah, thanks I will.” I snap back and folding my arms concentrate my gaze out of the window.
Dom pulls up at home and I open the car door. “Thanks for the lift.”
I head for the door and as I turn to close the door my eyes fall on his and he is looking at me with a deep frown on his face as they pull away. I stomp up to my room and lie back on my bed. I was running away, I knew that. Izzy’s observation before hand unsettled me. Did I want to be in proper relationship with Grayson St. Clair? Was I being too stubborn to admit that I wanted him? My phone pings, and I open a message from Grayson.
What is up with you?
I sigh and type out my reply.
Nothing.
Two seconds later it pings again.
Suit yourself.
“Yeah, thanks I will”. I say out loud to myself, throwing my phone down on the bed.
I spend the rest of my afternoon reading and getting some a-level homework done. Ollie comes to find me and asks if I’ll watch Paddington with him. Sophie makes us popcorn and three of us cosy up on the sofa under blankets and watch the movie together. Ollie cuddles up to me and Sophie grins at me and mouths ‘adores you’ to me.
Abi comes in a short while later and joins us to watch the end of the movie. Later that evening after tea I’m scrolling through Instagram when my phone shows Shaun is ringing.
“Hey.”
“Hey gorgeous girl.” He replies, I can hear the sadness in his voice.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, the upset clear in my voice.
“You had enough going on. You have just lost your mum and moved to the other end of the country. I didn’t want to burden you.”
“Shaun Carter! I am always here for you and you would never be a burden to me.”
He sighs down the phone. “I’m a burden to everyone.”
I sit up on my bed. “Shaun your worrying me. Talk to me.”
“What is there to say. I’m back here again. Look I have to go.”
“Promise me you will call tomorrow night.”
There is silence, for a few seconds. “I promise.”
I sit there for a few minutes. I have never heard Shaun sound so flat, he was always upbeat, even when he was in hospital. I bounded downstairs to find my Dad. He and Sophie are sat watching tv together, glasses of wine in hands.
“I need to go home, next weekend. My friend Shaun is back in hospital. I can get the train.”
My Dad nods. “I’ll book you tickets in the morning. Where will you stay?”
“Shaun’s mum will put me up.”
I turn to leave. “Honey, will you be okay? Going back there again? To the ward?”
I sigh and shrug. “I have to be. My friend needs me.”
Chapter Sixteen.
I don’t hear from Grayson the rest of the night. I wake early in the morning and decide to go on the treadmill for a run. When I head back up to my room, there are four missed Calls from Shaun’s house number. I collapse on my bed and return the call.
“Everly.”
“Hi, Mrs C is everything okay?”
My reply is a heart-breaking sob from her. “He’s gone Everly. He took his own life.”
The phone falls out of my hand I scream. “No, no, no.”
Sophie runs into the room and sees my distress. I point at the phone not able to speak. Sophie takes the phone and says hello. I see her face when she realises what has happened. She steps out of the room with my phone and I can hear her talking quietly. She comes back in a couple of moments later and I look at her and a sob rips from me. Sophie sweeps me into her arms.
“I’m so sorry honey.”
We stay there like that for a good half hour and I cry and cry until there is nothing left in me. I hear my dad come home with Ollie. Sophie gives me a squeeze and leaves me. A few minutes later my dad comes into my room and comes and sits down on my bed. He reaches for my hand and I throw myself onto his lap. He seems shocked at first, but he holds me tight.
“I know I haven’t been there for you Everly, but you have me now. You’re my little girl and I am here for you.”
I cry silent tears on his shoulder. My best friend was dead, and I didn’t know if I could c
ome back from this. At some point Sophie must have called Dom because I hear him come home and announce to Ollie that they were going to the cinema. Sophie and my dad take me into their room and they sit beside me on their bed and we watch an old Columbo show on television. Sophie forces me to drink tea and dad tries to get me to eat, but I refuse. I see the worry in his eyes’ but Sophie shakes her head at him. I hear my phone ringing down the landing and Sophie goes off to answer it.
She comes back with the phone in her hand.
“It’s Grayson.”
I shake my head and snuggle back into my dads embrace. She puts the phone to her ear and walks back out of the room. I don’t hear what she says.
I don’t go to school on Monday. Dom had come into my room on Sunday night and given me a hug. He told me Izzy was asking after me and wanted to see me and I just shook my head in response telling him no.
Dad took Monday off work and stayed home with me. We holed up in their room and watched old movies together. He coerced me into eating piece of toast at some point during the day. I had put my phone on silent. I could see I had ten missed calls and various unread messages, but I didn’t care. I had lost the two most important people in my life and I was empty inside. Shaun’s mum rang and spoke with Sophie later in the week. The funeral would be the following week.
I’m lying in bed Wednesday evening when there is a knock at my bedroom door.
“Ev, it’s me. Please can I come in? I need to know you are okay.”
It’s him. My heart pounds in my chest. Part of me wants to rip open the door and throw myself into his arms. The other part of me, the empty part just wants to be left alone. I don’t reply, I lay there silently until I hear his footsteps recede down the hallway.
I have a nightmare that night. I am searching for Shaun down empty hospital corridoors, shouting his name. I stumble in a room and find him in there hanging.
I scream in horror and then I am being shaken and I see Sophie sat in front of me. It was just a dream. She pulls me into her arms and I see my Dad, herding Ollie, Dom and Abi back to bed.
I feel nothing. There is this empty void where my heart once was. Shaun was my rock, I leaned on him and now he was gone. Who would I lean on now? No one understood me like he did, no one. I was lost and afraid.
Saturday morning, I convince Dad and Sophie they can leave me while they take Ollie swimming. As soon as they have left, I take the uneaten sandwiches I had been hiding under my bed and take them to the outside bin. I’m walking back in the house, as Dom is coming down the stairs. He stops where he is.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” I reply. I go to pass his on the stairs and he stops me. “Everly. I know you are hurting, real bad, but Izzy and Grayson, they really want to see you.”
My eyes meet his. “I can’t.” I tell him sadly and I rush back upstairs, back to my sanctuary.
I refused to go to counselling that week. I didn’t want to talk, what could I say, nothing I said would change what had happened. Maybe if I had still been at home up north, I would have seen this coming and I would have been able to stop it happening. I had been busy living my new life here instead, having sex with a boy and enjoying myself, while my friend had been sinking into an abyss. I had left him behind. It was my fault.
The following week Sophie and Dad drive me back home for his funeral. Shaun’s mum pulls me into her arms and sobs into my hair. Some staff from the hospital are there and so are some of the ex-patients who all knew and loved him.
We arrive home the following morning. Ollie comes running over to me when we enter the house and throws his arms around me.
“You look sad Everly. I want you to smile again.”
I hug him tightly and promise him that I am okay and plaster on a fake smile which seems to make him happy. I finally decide to look at my phone. There are a couple of messages from Lottie asking me if I am okay. Five off Izzy – all asking if she can see me and that she is sorry. There are text after text from Grayson.
Dom’s told me. God, are you okay?
Ev, I know you are hurting. Please let me see you.
I know it hurts. Talk to me.
Don’t shut me out Ev, please.
They go on like this. The last text from him causes a tear to fall.
I’m here. Whenever you are ready, I’m here.
I be brave, and I dial his number. It rings twice and then he answers. I can hear music and voices in the background.
“Hi.” I say. “Is this a bad time?”
“Fuck no, course not. Can I come see you?”
I want to say no, but I don’t. “Yeah you can come.”
“I’m on my way.”
About twenty minutes later I hear a knock at my bedroom door.
“Come in.”
He opens the door and I see him look at me and do a double take. I have lost weight. Truth is I’m not eating. I pretend, I’m good at pretending. They also don’t know that the minute they go out I pound the treadmill or the bike. It’s the control you see, controlling the hunger, it makes me feel good.
He walks over to the bed and sits in front of me.
“Hey you.”
“I’m sorry.” I mumble. “I just needed some time.”
He nods and he tentatively reaches for my hand and I let him hold it in his.
“I get it. I know Ev, if anyone knows, it’s me.”
I realise in that moment that I want him here. I pull my covers to the side and climb onto his lap. I rest my forehead against his and just close my eyes.
“Tell me what you need.”
I open my eyes and look at him. “Touch me. Make me forget.”
He kisses me tenderly. This is what I need. For the first time in days, I feel again. My heart speeds up as he lifts my top over my head. When he enters me, I smile for the first time in days. It’s like coming home.
He lies with me afterwards on the bed, once we are dressed again. I put on game of thrones from the beginning and he sits there besides me holding my hand and watches it with me. I must have fallen asleep at some point because I hear Sophie saying my name. I open my eyes and realise we have fallen asleep cuddled up with each other on my bed. I blush, embarrassed when I realise Sophie has seen us like this. She ruffles Grayson’s hair and smiles at me.
“You think I didn’t know you and Izzy swapped bedrooms in the night?”
She laughs at my startled face. “I was your age once you know.” She looks at Grayson then and he sits there biting his lip, looking unsure. “I presume you are staying tonight. In Dom’s room.”
Grayson just looks at her speechless and nods.
“Do not let your dad catch him coming out of here in the morning.” She warns me with a smile and closes the door behind her.
“Did my step-mum just tell us she knows we are having sex?”
Grayson laughs. “I think that’s what just happened. I think she also just okayed it for me to sleep in here tonight.”
Chapter Seventeen.
I return to school on the Monday. I get out of eating breakfast by pretending to be running late. Dom drives us to school and we pick Izzy up. Izzy had been to see me that weekend, we had holed up in my room and had pizza and watched Thor, drooling over Chris Hemsworth. She had painted my toe nails and it had been nice.
It felt strange being back, but I knew I couldn’t hide away in my bedroom for ever. No one at school knew what had happened, only Dom, Grayson, Izzy and Abi oh and Lottie. Everyone else thought I had been ill with a bad bout of tonsillitis. We head to the common room as we have fifteen minutes before class starts. Lottie shouts me over and I give Grayson a quick smile as I leave them and make my way over to my friends.
“Woah.” Harvey states looking at me as I take a seat beside him. “You have lost a ton of weight.”
I smile. “Having Tonsillitis kind of puts you off food.”
He looks at Lottie. “We need to fatten her up.”
Lottie laughs. “She’s not a turkey, Harvey.”
/> “So, what have I missed?”
Hannah taps her chin thinking. Her eyes light up. “Ooh you missed the big gossip!” She leans forward. “Grayson got in a fight with that Andrews fella over some girl a couple of weeks back!”
Oh shit. I keep my face neutral. “Really? That is big news?”
Hannah looks at me like I am crazy. “Rumour is she was with him, like as in, with him.”
I nod and feign disinterest. “Grayson doesn’t do girlfriends.”
“Well not until now. No one knows who the girl is. She must go to another college or something.”
“Fascinating.” I say and grin when she throws a crisp at me in exasperation at my lack of reaction to her news.
I look over her head when I see Paige walk in the room, she spies Grayson and makes a beeline for him. She reaches him and leans her hand on his chest as she leans into him talking. Grayson keeps his arms folded and I see his eyes find me watching. He takes her hand and moves it off her chest and walks away from her. He takes a seat besides Dom and Dom claps him on the back and whispers something in his ear. They both then look over at me and I raise a brow in question and then turn my attention back to my friends.
Lunch comes around and I grab a salad and water and make my way over to our table. As I’m passing the rugby table, Grayson sticks his foot out blocking my path.
“Manchester.” He says playfully.
I grin and turn to face him. “Posh.” I say in a bored tone of voice.
“It’s good to have you back in school. I’ve had no one to wind up.”
I laugh. “Aw did you miss me?”
He scoffs, leaning back lazily in his chair. “Like a hole in the head Manchester.”
Izzy rolls her eyes from her seat further down the table and I grin at her. Grayson starts to move his feet back and giving him one last cold look, I move forward. I fly forward, my tray flies in the air and both me and it land face first on the floor.
“Shit Ev.” I hear Grayson say, he leans down and goes to help me up. I’m fuming. He has just humiliated me in front of the whole school. I can hear giggling around the cafeteria and my face is blood red. Grayson holds his hands up and I can tell he is genuinely mortified. “I’m really sorry I didn’t mean for that to happen.”