by D G Rose
“These?” Asked Topaz Dragon, in complete innocence.
“Yes. Those. What the fuck are those?” I asked again.
“Why, they’re rootabagas, of course.” He said.
“There’s no ‘of course’ about it. What are they for?” I didn’t want to admit, that while I’d heard the word rootabaga before, I had no idea what an actual rootabaga was, and now, standing in the presence of a mountain of actual rootabagas, I was still no closer to an understanding.
“Well.” He paused, picking a rootabaga from the pile and holding it in his hand. “They’re for my art. It’s part of what makes my art so unique. It’s all rootabaga.” And he indicated the hanging corpses with a casual wave.
A hint of understanding began to worm its way into my brain. “These… These… are made of rootabagas?” I asked, the incredulity clear in my voice.
Miranda quickly crossed to where the corpses hung and softly rapped her knuckles against one. “Yep.” She confirmed. “Rootabaga, or an incredible simulation.”
Then the room filled with Topaz Dragon’s whumping laughter. “You thought! You thought!” He pressed his hands against his chest and gasped for air. “Well, I’m flattered of course. But, you actually thought. Oh! How funny! Gruesome! But funny!” And Topaz Dragon collapsed in another fit of laughter.
Miranda was gently fingering the rootabaga corpse. “So…” She began slowly. “You’re not going to flay us alive and display our corpses on your wall?”
Topaz Dragon had regained enough composure to look shocked. “It would be uncivilized, to say the least.”
“So, what was all that: ‘Too bad you’re going to die’ crap?” She asked.
Topaz Dragon fluttered his hands. “Well, you know, it was just a philosophical comment. I mean, I, of course, am a dragon and a god. We do live a frightfully long time. And you humans have a nasty tendency to die so young. It’s really at the core of my work here.” He indicated the wall of rootabaga corpses, which now seemed almost artistic. “While I don’t, generally, like to explain my art, it’s really a commentary on the interplay between gods and humans. You know, how as gods, we derive a good portion of our power and importance from humans, all the while humans are essentially rotting flesh from the moment of their birth. It’s really quite funny when you think about it. It’s a satire, of course.”
And I laughed. It was quite funny. Or maybe it was a release of tension. And we all had a good laugh.
I won’t keep you waiting any longer. A rootabaga, as it turns out, is a kind of vegetable. A singularly unsuccessful vegetable, since nobody has ever even suggested that I should eat one and I’ve never seen one in the vegetable section of the supermarket, but Topaz Dragon insisted that they were tasty. I’ll have to take his word for it, because I will never eat a rootabaga in my life.
CHAPTER 29 – I know what a dead man is.
So, we modeled for our corpse statutes. I have to admit, though the others are unbearably horrid, mine is an oddly good likeness. I had no idea that my pancreas looked like that.
As I admired the finished product, Topaz Dragon came up behind me and whispered in my ear. “I knew a doctor once, who worked in a leper colony. Leprosy being a particularly deforming and disgusting disease. Eventually, the doctor contracted the disease and seeing himself in the mirror, he thought ‘Somehow, on me, it looks good.’”
I turned to face him. “Do you happen to know the Person from Porlock?”
Topaz Dragon gave a smile. “Hum a bit, maybe I’ll recognize it.”
Topaz Dragon let us out through a small gate that, like a VIP pass at Disney World, allowed us to skip the labyrinth. We’d let the ponies go before entering the maze, so we had to walk down the mountain. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, we had escaped death, and Amy awaited at the Two Tulips. Miranda’s endless stories about her fantastic life and adventures almost completely didn’t annoy me.
Although it was mid-afternoon when I entered our room, I found Amy curled up on the bed napping. I lay down beside her, knowing, as I did it, that it would wake her. She didn’t wake. She sleeps like a statue, so I bounced a bit. Finally, she yawned and stretched. I love to watch her stretch. I doubled over to kiss her belly as her shirt rode up.
“How was the trip?” She asked, as if we had gone to Pittsburg and not into the dragon’s lair.
“Good.” I replied, as if we had, indeed, gone to Pittsburg and not into the dragon’s lair. “What have you been up to?”
She stretched again. “I’ve had days spent in strenuous laziness.”
I laughed then, at the image of her napping and idling, things that had been very much in absence recently and things that I aspired to do with her, soon.
She asked me about the wine, and I told her what Topaz Dragon had said and I told her what I thought it meant and she smiled at me for having figured it out on my own. Or, well, almost on my own. And I told her about Miranda. I told her about the whole scene. The bars and the blood and the dreaded conversation about the past. I told her about Miranda’s apology, although I must have gotten the quote wrong, because Miranda didn’t badger me about it through the walls.
“That’s good.” She said, with elegant understatement. “I wouldn’t want to marry into a family with too many estrangements.”
It took me a second, but I caught it. “Marry?”
She laughed, but then turned serious. “I know us artists are supposed to be unconventional and all, but I always imagined I would have a husband before I would have a baby.” And she put her hand over her belly. “I’m pregnant.”
I know this wasn’t the right thing to say. I know it. But I said. “How do you know? I mean how long have we even been here.”
Amy, thank goodness, let me slide. She held up her hands. “I know! I know! Who can say how? It’s not like I’ve been keeping count of the days. But I know.” And then she turned around and put her arms around my neck. “Ok. I’m going to give you another shot at this. But, you only get two bites at this apple. I’m pregnant and I want to get married.”
I laughed then and grabbed hold of her and drew her close. “If that’s some kind of non-proposal proposal, then yes! Whoo Hoo! When should we have the ceremony? Do you think that there’s a priest in the village? They have a lot of gods, they must have a priest. Or maybe Shui, he’s always down at that shrine. Does that make him a priest?”
She laughed and kissed me. “Shui’s a child. We can wait. Maybe in Xanadu. It’s supposed to be lovely. I hear they have a pleasure dome.”
“Wherever you are is my pleasure dome.” I said and we lay back down. It may have been a cheesy thing to say, but I hope that, at least one time in your life, you’ve said something cheesy to someone you loved and meant it.
“Everybody ready?” Asked Miranda, striding into the room sans knock.
“Ready for what?” Asked Amy, pushing herself up on one arm to look at Miranda over my shoulder.
“Ready to hit the road, of course.” Said Miranda, as if it was obvious.
“To go talk to Glittering Phoenix?” Amy asked.
“What?” Asked Miranda.
“What, what?” Asked Amy.
“Why would we go talk to Glittering Phoenix?” Miranda was genuinely confused.
Amy was equally confused. “To… You know. To ask her about the missing wine. To complete the quest.”
Miranda shrugged. “The quest is completed.” Then she pretended to sweep a non-existent railroad cap off her head. “Next stop, Xanadu! Toot-Toot!” She said in imitation of the Great God Pan.
Amy looked even more confused. “Did you visit Glittering Phoenix without us? Is she back to being the Ma family god?”
The back and forth confusion continued. “Why would I visit Glittering Phoenix?” Asked Miranda.
“To complete the fucking quest!” Amy said, her frustration leaking out.
Comprehension finally dawned on Miranda’s face. “Oh. You think that the
quest was about Glittering Phoenix. I told you it wasn’t. The quest was something else. A family thing. And now it’s completed. The road to Xanadu is wide open before us. So, let’s get this little parade on the road! Toot-toot!”
Amy jumped up, her nakedness seemed immaterial to her, although I had a hard time following the rest of the conversation. “NO! We made a promise to that girl to bring back her family god.”
Miranda shook her head. “We never did. Nobody ever promised her anything. You took it on yourself because you thought it was the quest. Well, it turns out that the quest was something completely different. So, no need to worry about Glittering Phoenix.”
Amy stared at Miranda and, slowly, deliberately, mockingly, gave a shrug. I couldn’t help but smile. “It doesn’t matter. You said I could take lead on this one and as the leader, I say we’re going to talk to Glittering Phoenix.”
Miranda threw up her hands. “Ok. I can give you a day. But after that, we need to get on the road to Xanadu. Deal?”
Amy nodded. “Deal.”
I caught Miranda’s eye and silently mouthed, “Takes no shit.” And Miranda smiled.
We walked down to the riverside shrine to Glittering Phoenix in the cooling light of the late afternoon. There was no trudging this time. I can’t remember a walk as pleasant. My sister, long lost and presumed dead, was alive and by my side and my girlfriend, no, my fiancé, who took no shit from nobody, had her thumb hooked around my thumb, just like I hoped our child would one day do. I admit it, I was lost in fantasy. The mind, it seems to me, is a fantasy machine. I was lost in the fantasy of some kind of family. A family with Amy and a baby and Aunt Miranda. I knew it was a fantasy because I couldn’t see Miranda coming back with us. But, I didn’t want to focus just then on the problems, I wanted to focus on the pleasure of the moment and its promise.
We arrived at the shrine just as the crown of the sun flashed below the horizon. I looked at Amy and couldn’t help but think how beautiful she was in the twilight. “So?” I asked. “How do we go about contacting Glittering Phoenix?"
Amy drew a slip of paper from her pocket and touched it to the flame of one of the altar lamps. It caught with a quick yellow flash and was reduced to ash in seconds. “What was that?” I asked.
“Think of it like a spiritual telegram.” Amy replied. “Even now, the western union man should be rousting Glittering Phoenix out of bed with an ominously unwelcome message.”
“How long do we have to wait?” I asked.
Amy shrugged. “I hope not long.” Then she pulled a jar of wine from her pack. “Want a drink?”
I took it and drank. It was good. I passed it to Miranda, who also took a long pull and she passed it back to Amy. I almost said something about how Amy couldn’t drink because she was pregnant, then I remembered that it wasn’t really my news to share, at least not my news alone, and I also remembered how I’d read a study that said small amounts of alcohol during a pregnancy could lead to slight increases in the children’s IQ, and then I thought I would like a smart baby, so I kept my mouth shut. Amy must not have read that study, because instead of taking a drink, she turned around and offered it to Glittering Phoenix.
“Would you like some wine, Glittering Phoenix?” She asked.
I don’t know how she knew. Glittering Phoenix was magnificent. She did glitter, not in the twilight, but with some inner light of her own. She was a phoenix, of course, which is to say a large bird. She was gloriously colored in purple and green, her outstretched wings were edged in lavender and her tail flowed away into the distance, a riot of flame-like reds and oranges and yellows. She waved a wingtip in dismissal. “I never touch the stuff.” She said, in her musical voice.
“But you have touched it.” Amy replied. “You served it to Topaz Dragon, so that he would be too sick to save poor Shui. Didn’t you? Then, you pushed Shui into the river, so that you could save him and be the hero god, right?”
Glittering Phoenix yawned. It was a strange movement for a bird and small sparks flew out of her mouth in the instant before she covered it with one wing. “You bore me, human. I think I’ll just burn you to ashes and then we can end this dreary conversation.”
Amy held up a hand. “Do you know what a dead man switch is?”
Glittering Phoenix yawned again. “I know what a dead man is.”
Amy reached into her pocket and drew out another slip of paper. “This is a dead man switch.” She said, letting the paper flutter in the breeze. “It’s just like the note I wrote to you and delivered by burning. Only, it’s addressed to Yudi, the Great Jade Emperor of Heaven. I imagine that he’ll find it interesting. It tells the story of how you gave wine to Topaz Dragon, in direct contradiction to his commands.” She placed the letter back in her pocket. “Tell me.” She continued, conversationally. “Is Yudi usually understanding when little gods disobey him?” And she stressed the word little in an unmistakable insult. “But go right ahead and burn us.”
Amy seemed to have hit a nerve. Glittering Phoenix, was visibly nervous. She became less glittery and more fiery. “I could burn your friends.” Glittering Phoenix threatened. “And rend you with my claws. Your blood would serve nicely as a fire-retardant.”
Amy just smiled and shook her head. “You really don’t know how a dead man switch works, do you? I’ve left copies of this letter, well-sealed to protect your privacy, with friends. If we don’t return unharmed, my friends are instructed to burn the letters.”
“That little Ma bitch? I’ll burn that inn to the ground!” She said through clenched beak. Then realizing her error. “I’ll rip out her gizzard!”
Amy just smiled. “I said friends. Who knows how many copies of the letter are out there. Will you slaughter the whole village? Don’t you think someone might notice? The other gods?”
Glittering Phoenix laughed. “The other gods? They’re nothing. Family gods. Pah!” She spat. And as she spoke I heard a rustling from the direction of the river bank, and a bizarre group of, what I can only assume, were other family gods walked forward into the light of the lanterns.
Topaz Dragon came forward and took Glittering Phoenix by the wing. “Come with us.” He growled.
Glittering Phoenix pulled away. “Come with you? Where to Yudi? Better to kill me now!”
Topaz Dragon looked shocked. “Yudi? No. This is a Quest Valley matter. We’ll deal with it like family.”
Glittering Phoenix said, “Like family? Maybe I’d be better off with Yudi.” But she held out her wing for Topaz Dragon and they turned away.
And I felt like we really had solved the quest. Miranda came up behind me and whispered in my ear. “The whole thing has a very Scooby Doo feeling, doesn’t it?”
“Yes!” I whispered back.
But Amy called out. “Wait!”
And all the family gods stopped and turned back to look at her.
“What about the Ma family? They’ve lost their family god. What will they do?” She asked.
“I will return to care for my family, as I have done for thousands of years.” Glittering Phoenix replied, to a general agreement from the other gods.
But Amy wasn’t satisfied. “No. Maybe one day you can return, but how can the Ma family trust you? They need a reliable family god.”
Topaz Dragon stepped forward. “I have a nephew without a family. He’s young but, with our help, he can care for the Ma family until Glittering Phoenix is ready to resume her post.” Then he turned to Glittering Phoenix. “Kun?”
And Glittering Phoenix lay her beak on her chest, defeated, resigned. “Payah kun” she replied. And all the gods disappeared.
Amy linked her arm with mine on one side and with Miranda’s on the other. “Now that’s a completed quest. Next stop, Xanadu! Toot-toot!”
CHAPTER 30 – Like the thing I was looking for and never expected to find.
“So, how did the other family gods know to show up at the Glittering Phoenix shrine?” I asked Amy as we stroll
ed back to the inn.
She looked at me, her face illuminated in the moonlight like a cricket cage, that is to say – like the thing I was looking for and never expected to find. “I put them all in the letter as B.C.C.s”
“Smart.” I said.
“I am smart. Remember that.” She said, with a smile.
The next morning, we found Topaz Dragon and his nephew in the common room of the inn. The nephew, was like a centipede or a salamander or something like that, with a lot of legs and a segmented body, so something insectoid or arthropodoid or at any rate he appeared to have an exoskeleton. He is hard to describe, because 1) I’ve never seen anything like him and 2) he appeared two-dimensional, like a drawing done in colored pencil or crayon.
“Ah! Good morning. The heroes of the hour.” Said Topaz Dragon, on seeing us. “I’d introduce my nephew, but he’s having a bit of trouble manifesting. Not to worry. I’ll keep an eye on things until he’s up to snuff.”
The girl from the inn was there too, alongside Topaz Dragon and his nephew. “Thank you all so much. Now the inn will have no trouble attracting guests again. It is once again an auspicious time to visit the Two Tulips inn!”
We rented ponies from the inn with a promise to deliver them to a stable in Xanadu, who would see to their return.
“How long until we reach Xanadu, now?” I asked as my pony gently swayed beneath me.
“Not long.” Answered Miranda. She looked at the sky. “We should reach the outskirts of the city before the sun is high.”
We rode along, Amy and Miranda chatting away, me alternately listening to their conversation and drifting off into my dreams of the future. I had only one more task to complete. And then what? Would Amy and I automatically, magically, be returned to our world? Would it be like in the Wizard of Oz, an experience that might reasonably be mistaken for a dream? Or would we return with the marks of our passage still etched on our flesh?