The Ideal

by L. P. Maxa

  “Will there be a lot of people there?” She looked down and played with the hem of her faded t-shirt. Seemingly nervous and timid at the idea of being around a bunch of people she didn’t know. All of whom she’d had class with over the last twelve years.

  “The lake on a Sunday usually draws a big crowd.” How had she never been to a lake party? It was a rite of passage in this town. My little brother had kept Savy under lock and key for too long. She’d graduated, but she’d yet to experience high school. I couldn’t change the past, and I wouldn’t dare try to alter her future, but I could do this. I could help her live in the present. “I’ll be right next to you the whole time. Promise.”

  “Okay.”

  “Yeah?”

  She nodded her head, a glowing expression of resolve coming over her beautiful face. “Yeah.”

  Neither one of us mentioned Nathan for the rest of the evening. We kept the conversation light and superficial while we went through the rest of the boxes in the attic. I kept my hands to myself while I helped her haul the “keep” pile down to the garage, and then I took the trash to the curb.

  I was home for the summer, and I’d spend it walking a tight rope around my baby brother once again. But I could do this. I could be Savy’s friend. I’d help her, and I’d make sure Nathan didn’t get hurt in the process.

  Then, I’d head back to college where life was so much easier.

  ***

  “How’d it go with Sav?” I glanced up to find Nathan leaning against my door, his shoulder on the frame and his arms crossed. He was ripped, His muscles bulged against the sleeves of his work polo.

  I looked back down at the book I was reading, The Great Gatsby. “It went fine.” I’d never read the story in high school. I didn’t read anything unless someone made me. I wasn’t naturally brilliant like Nathan. I was more jock. Long distance running got me into college, not my brains.

  “Did you finish, or do I need to go over there tomorrow morning before work?”

  I was afraid to meet his eyes a second time. I was afraid that he’d see the guilt, see the memory of our almost kiss. “No, we finished. There weren’t all that many boxes.” I took a deep breath and tore my eyes away from the hardback Savy had lent me. “I took the ones she wanted to keep down to the garage and the ones she wanted to throw out to the trash. All done.” I smiled.

  He nodded. “Thanks for helping her. You really didn’t have to do that.”

  Meaning he really didn’t want me to do that. Possessive nut-job. I say that with mostly love in my heart. Nathan wasn’t crazy, not really. But he definitely had a personality disorder no shrink had been able to pinpoint. He was dark and moody and his emotions tended to spiral quickly. He sure as fuck didn’t like people. It was as if he’d been born into the body of a ’roided out jock mixed with a crotchety old man. My dad hadn’t wanted Nathan to be medicated, but back then, when Dad was still with us, Nathan hadn’t been that bad.

  I shrugged, like me offering to even help Savy in the first place was no big deal. “I didn’t have anything else to do.”

  “About that, what are your plans this summer? You want me to see if I can get you a job at the gym?” He shifted his stance, uncrossing his arms and shoving his hands into his pockets.

  Did he just call me lazy? I trained year round, took a full class load each semester, and worked in the trainer’s office at the field house during the off season. This summer I was taking three online courses to get ahead and shadowing a massage therapist in town. Maybe Nathan wanted to make sure I didn’t have any extra time to help Savy with household chores.

  “With training and classes, I don’t think I’d have much time for a job this summer.”

  Not to mention that neither of us actually had to work. When our dad passed away, we’d gotten an inheritance plus a settlement that came from the pharmacy that’d screwed up his cholesterol medication. That one mistake had caused his massive stroke and lead to his untimely death. I worked at the trainer’s office to help pad my resumé for after-college employment.

  I wasn’t too sure why Nathan was choosing to spend precious time away from Savy when he didn’t have to. I glanced back down at my book, hoping he’d get the hint and go away. I was actually digging this Fitzgerald guy’s writing.

  “You want to go for a run in the morning?”

  I raised an eyebrow in surprise. “For real?” I’d been a runner from the moment I’d perfected walking. Nathan had never taken an interest, and he’d never once asked to run with me. He always preferred weights to endurance, as evidenced by his ridiculously bulging muscles.

  He shrugged. “I’ve been running with Sav in the mornings. She’s really gotten into it and it’s not safe for her to go alone.”

  I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at his overprotectiveness. We lived in a freaking gated neighborhood, and Savy was eighteen years old. It was more than safe for her to run alone. Yet another example of my brother smothering her.

  “Yeah, sure. Thanks for the invite.”

  He shrugged again before walking away.

  That was the most I’d talked to my brother in the last six months. We texted every once in a while, but we never chatted on the phone. I rarely came home to visit. When I’d gotten away, gone to college, I realized how hard it was living in this house. Watching Nathan for signs of stress. Being careful what we said in front of him. I was selfish. I knew that. But I’d needed a break and being away at school had become the perfect excuse. Which was exactly what was on Savy’s mind these days. Going to school, and getting away.

  I tried to keep reading, but couldn’t seem to concentrate anymore. I clicked off the lamp on my bedside table and stared at my ceiling. The fan was on, cutting through the shadows from the streetlight. Today had taken a turn, and my summer was completely altered because of it. I was looking forward to spending time alone with Savy. I wanted to know her. The her that existed without Nathan attached to her side, and demanding every minute of her time and energy.

  My cell vibrated, lighting up on the mattress beside me.

  Thanks for helping me tonight. You’re the best.

  Savy had my number for emergencies. You know, in case Nathan lost his shit and one of us needed back-up. This was the first time she texted me. Seeing her name on the screen was making me smile like a fucking fool.

  I’m glad we got to hang out.

  I really was. I was too glad. I’d liked being alone with Savy way more than I had any right to. Damn, I’d wanted to kiss her so fucking bad. She smelled like flowers, and bubble gum lip gloss.

  It was nice of you to invite me to the lake tomorrow. I don’t want you to feel obligated to follow through with it. I was having a little mini meltdown. It isn’t really all that bad.

  Yes it was. She was a freaking prisoner in her life, and my brother was the cell she was living in. That girl needed a break. No one would be able to understand that like I did. I got away, and it wasn’t until I had that I realized how stifling life with Nathan could be. Savy needed to be young and crazy and wild. All things that would cause Nathan to lose his shit.

  Are you kidding? You’ll be doing me a favor by coming. With you by my side I won’t look like some lame college guy at a high school party.

  I was mostly kidding. A lot of my friends were already home for the summer and there wasn’t much else to do around here on a Sunday other than drink at the lake.

  Do people swim there? Should I wear a suit?

  Hell yeah. Wear the bikini you had on earlier today.

  As soon as I hit send my heart stopped beating, and time stood still. Did I just flirt with Savy on a text? Was I off my fucking rocker? I told her I’d be her friend. I should be telling her to wear sweatpants, not a sexy two piece. I closed my eyes and banged my skull against the headboard a few times, groaning at my rash stupidity.

  “You need something, man?” I opened my eyes to find my brother back in my doorway, the light from the hall making him an imposing dark shape backlit enough
for me to see his face.

  I shook my head. “Nope. All good.” He narrowed his eyes, watching me. My phone vibrated on the bed. My heart stopped again. I was going to end up having a heart attack by the end of this text conversation. I looked down, sighing in relief when I saw the damn thing was face down on the mattress.

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  I nodded. “I’m greeeeeeat.” I imitated Tony the Tiger, like the commercials from when we were kids. Why? Sheer nervousness.

  His eyes narrowed further, but his lips twitched. The lip twitch was pretty much all anyone but Savy could get by way of a smile out of him. “’Night.”

  “’Night, Nathan.”

  I waited until I heard his bedroom door shut before I picked my phone up and opened Savy’s latest text.

  You got it. See you tomorrow afternoon.

  I’d told her I’d pick her up around noon, which was when Nathan would be leaving for work. Yeah, I was a bastard. I could tell myself I wasn’t sneaking around behind my brother’s back with Savy all I wanted, but it wouldn’t make it true.

  Nathan invited me to run with you guys in the morning.

  You didn’t tell him about the party, did you?

  That poor girl. Nathan wasn’t her dad, he wasn’t her brother, and he wasn’t her boyfriend. Him knowing she wanted to go have fun without him terrified her, and was fucking sad. I felt trapped by my brother and his moods growing up, but never once did I have to curb my life to make him happy. But Savy did, every damn day of the last ten years.

  No. I didn’t say a word.

  I’d lie for her a million times over.

  They say two wrongs don’t make a right, but that was feeling like utter bullshit. Savy had been wronged by me, my brother, and our parents.

  I’d do whatever it took to start to right that.

  Chapter Four

  Savy

  Nate didn’t like to run. He never had. It’d always been Jeremy’s thing. I thought when I decided to start running in the mornings, I’d get some exercise along with a little bit of alone time. Two mornings, two glorious mornings I’d had to myself. Only me and the rising sun. But then Nate had left early for work one Saturday and caught me jogging on the darkened streets of our neighborhood alone. That was the flipping end of that. It didn’t matter how many times I told him I was fine, that I was safe. He insisted on joining me.

  When I around thirteen I started having this recurring nightmare that I woke up on an operating table and Nate would be sewn to my side. I would start to cry but he’d be full of smiles, happy to spend the rest of his life joined to me at the actual hip. It didn’t take a psychologist to figure out that one.

  “Morning, boys.” I smiled as both Deacon brothers jogged across the dew filled grass, Nate wearing a small grin and Jeremy wearing a huge beaming one. “I had no idea you were a runner, Savy.” Jeremy held his hand up for me to high five.

  “I started only a few months ago. You’ll probably smoke me.” I slapped his hand and then slung my arm playfully around Nathan’s neck. “I’m faster than this guy, though.”

  “She’s a natural, Jer.” Nate kissed my temple, laughing. My day was made. I knew I’d been complaining about Nathan a lot over the last day or so. But I did love him. He was my best friend. He didn’t laugh often, so I counted each and every one of them like tiny treasures. The kiss? I was the only person Nate showed physical affection with, other than the random hug to our moms. Sometimes I wanted to protest, but after all this time, I wasn’t sure how.

  The three of us set off at an easy pace. Nothing but the sound of our shoes on the pavement and the birds waking up in the trees. After about five minutes I lengthened my stride, Jeremy effortlessly matched me. I knew he was holding back on my account. I’d been watching that boy run since he was in junior high. He was crazy talented. The two of us could easily leave Nate in the dust. He wasn’t quick and didn’t have our endurance, but neither one of us made a move to go any faster.

  After our quick three mile run we’d headed through the side door, into my kitchen. My mom always had a fresh pot of coffee going for my dad as soon as she woke up. “You three reek.” She held her nose as we shuffled past, sweating and fanning our flushed faces.

  Jeremy leaned in and hugged her real tight, making her laugh. “Do we?”

  I hid my smile behind my steaming mug of coffee. I’d forgotten how friendly and easy-going Jeremy was, how playful and happy. I spent all my time around Nate, the dark as night brother. Sure, I could get him to laugh and smile every once in a while, but it wasn’t the norm. I felt like Jeremy was the sun and I’d been locked in a pitch black room for too long.

  My mom swatted at him with a bright floral dish towel and handed each guy an oversized banana nut muffin. “What are you kids up to today? Anything fun?”

  “I have to head into work.” Nate took one last sip of his black coffee and then brushed another kiss to my temple. “I actually need to head home for a shower.” He rubbed his hand down my back, making me blush when I realized Jeremy was watching our every interaction. I didn’t ask for the touches, but I didn’t stop him either. “See you tonight?”

  I nodded. “Have a good day.”

  “You coming, man?” Nate paused with his hand on the back door, looking to his older brother.

  My gaze shifted to Jeremy once again. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted to steal another few seconds in his light, which made guilt start to claw at my insides with razor sharp talons. “I’m going to finish my coffee first. I’ll be home in a bit.” He shrugged like it was no big deal.

  Before Nate could protest my mom spoke up, oblivious to the sudden tension in the room. “Come on, Nathan. I’ll walk you over. I made some extra muffins for your mom.” She threaded her arm through his and let him lead her out of the house.

  Jeremy and I stood in silence for a few seconds. Both looking at our cups or around the room, anywhere but at each other. Finally Jeremy broke the quiet. “You two seem like an old married couple. You know that, right?” He was leaning against the butcher block island in the middle of my kitchen chowing down happily on a fresh baked muffin and getting crumbs all over his shirt.

  “I’m well aware. Thank you.” I grabbed a muffin off the cooling rack, since my mom hadn’t bothered to hand me one. I took a large bite and then ranted around a mouthful of delicious muffin, “You know what’s really messed up?” I didn’t give him a chance to answer. “My parents are okay with it.” I pointed at him with the muffin still in my hand. “You know they’ve never even asked me if Nate and I are dating.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

  “Yeah. Nathan fell asleep in my bed one night and we didn’t wake up until my dad came to tell me to get ready for school.” I took another big bite. “You know what my dad said when he found us?” Once again, I didn’t give Jeremy time to guess. “He said, Oh uh hey guys, It’s time for school. Then he turned around and walked out.”

  “What did you expect him to say?” Jeremy popped the last bite of muffin into his mouth then wiped the crumbs on his sweaty shirt.

  “I don’t know, how’ bout What are you doing in my daughter’s room? What are you doing in her bed?” I shook my head. “But not my dad. Even he was too afraid to cross Nate, to upset the balance.”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you angry before.” Jeremy grinned a wicked little smirk. “I think I love it.”

  I threw my hands in the air. “When the hell do I have time to be angry? I spend all my time making sure Nate never gets angry. Oh no, don’t let the Hulk out.” I shook my head. “I’m like the freaking other Avenger who is always calming the Hulk?”

  “Black Widow?”

  “Yeah, her. The one with the setting sun lullaby.” I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and tried to calm my temper. A temper I never knew I possessed. A temper that only seemed to come out around Jeremy.

  It was like a dam had broken last night in my attic. There was another soul who knew my truth
and now I couldn’t stop spouting it.

  Guilt took hold of my gut, my heart beginning to ache from the terrible things I was saying out loud about Nate. “I’m sorry. That was rude. I love your bother. He’s my best friend. I’m lucky to have him. Lucky that we have each other.” There. That was more my usual speed. I nodded, please with myself for reigning my latest angry outburst.

  Jeremy suddenly pushed off the island and stepped closer, his spicy scent surrounding me and stealing all thoughts from my brain. Even his sweat was alluring. “That’s bullshit.”

  I shook my head. “No. It’s the truth. He really is my best friend.” We’d been through so much together, and it wasn’t all bad. We’d also had a lot of fun, a lot of good memories. I shouldn’t tarnish that. It wasn’t fair to either of us. I didn’t know what had come over me lately. Maybe I was the actual Hulk. Or Mr. Hyde.

  He snorted. “He’s your only friend.” He took another step toward me. “You haven’t had a day off since my father died. You’ve been babysitting Nathan for years. You said you were tired, didn’t you?”

  I swallowed, backing into the countertop, afraid to say it out loud again. Once was enough.

  “Don’t you want to break out? Don’t you want to have fun? Go crazy and live a little?” Jeremy took another step, I had nowhere else to go. He rested his chest against mine. I looked up into his dark eyes, my heart pounding out a wild rhythm. “Don’t you want to be the bad one for a change?”

  Chapter Five

  Jeremy

  Holy hell. What was I doing? Don’t you want to be the bad one for a change? I shouldn’t’ve said that to her. I should have listened to her throw her little fit and then been sympathetic. That’s what a friend would do. That’s what I’d intended to do. Up until she’d backtracked and started gushing all that I love my best friend crap. I wasn’t going to let her take it all back. I wasn’t going to let her stuff all her hurt and frustration back inside like she’d never let it out in the first place.