The Ideal

by L. P. Maxa

  “Are you happy?” That was all I wanted for her, to be happy. Sitting in her attic, listening to her talk about her life, it’d been depressing. I’d wanted her to live, to breath easily, to shine. I never wanted to fuck up her life, make it more complicated than it was already. Yet, every day, it seemed like that was what I was doing. “Am I making things harder on you? Making you lie to Nathan, making you sneak around and reject him.”

  She leaned into my touch, closing her eyes like she was reveling in it. “I’m happier than any time I can remember.” She turned and kissed my palm. “Please don’t take this away from me. I have seven more weeks, living next door to my best friend. I want to cherish that, but if you leave, if we stop, I’ll never make it.”

  She was happy. She needed me.

  That was all I needed to hear.

  I dipped down, taking her lips with mine. Doing exactly what I’d had in mind when I scaled the side of her house and fell through her bedroom window. I ran my tongue along the seam of her lips, asking to be let in. She didn’t hesitate. She opened for me, matching me in intensity.

  She got greedy, and grabbed my hips, pulling me closer. I gave her what she wanted, rolling on top of her. I settled between her legs like it was the hundredth time I was doing it, not the first. She felt so good, so fucking perfect, like she was made only for me. I kissed down the column of her neck, her collarbone, her shoulder. She was panting in my ear, writhing under me.

  “Savy, I—”

  “Touch me, Jeremy.”

  We were both out of breath, both desperate for more. I brushed my thumb over her nipple, then took her breast in my hand. She wasn’t wearing a bra. I grabbed the hem of her shirt, pulling it off and tossing it behind me. I paused when I felt her body stiffen against mine. “Was that okay? I thought you wanted—”

  “I do. I...uh, I... No one’s ever seen me like this and, um, I…” She let her words trail off, closing her eyes and then giggling like she was nervous.

  I loved moments like these, moments when I got be with her for these firsts. It made everything feel brand new. Like I was getting a second chance at my first time.

  “Look at me, Savannah.” I kept my voice soft. I wanted her to hear the awe in it. And yeah, I didn’t want to wake up her parents. They may be okay with Nathan sleeping in her bed, but I doubted they’d be okay with me getting her naked on her bedroom floor. I waited until her gaze met mine. “You are so fucking perfect. So gorgeous. I don’t ever want you to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed with me, okay?” She nodded, biting down on that bottom lip of hers. “If you want to stop, all you have to do is tell me.” She nodded again. I smirked. “Do you want to stop?”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Savy

  I didn’t want Jeremy to stop. Ever. I’d never felt so good. I’d never wanted anyone the way I wanted him. I’d never craved a kiss, or a touch. When I was with him, all sense seemed to leave my brain, all reason. I couldn’t find it in me to care, not anymore. I deserved these moments, these experiences, and I was done denying myself. If Jeremy was all in, so was I. “Please don’t stop.”

  He dipped his head to my chest, slowly, taking my nipple into the heat of his mouth. My hands automatically threaded through his dark hair. I held him close, making sure he stayed right where he was. My core was clenching with every tug of his skilled lips. It felt explosive. “Your skin tastes like candy.” He moved to my other breast and I had to move one palm to my mouth to keep from moaning out loud and risk waking my parents.

  We stayed like that, on the floor, fooling around like I was sure all the other kids I went to school with did. It was so...normal. We touched and kissed and teased. He never tried to take it any further than that. One step at a time was exactly what I wanted. Or exactly what I could handle. He seemed to know that. Jeremy was making sure I got what I wanted without pushing. He was everything I needed.

  All too soon he pulled back, my mouth felt swollen from his kisses. “I think I should be heading home.”

  “Well, if you leave now, you’ll have to shimmy back down the tree.” I bit my lower lip, almost nervous. “You could stay, if you want.” I reached over and grabbed my shirt, pulling it over my head to hide the nakedness that was starting to embarrass me all over again. “My parents leave really early for work. They won’t check on me now that school’s out.”

  Jeremy stood, reaching down to grab my hands and help me to my feet. “As much as I would love to stay, I think it’s best if I go.” He peered into my eyes, a smirk on his lips. “One step at a time, wild one.” He kissed me again, hooking an arm around my waist and dragging my body against his one more time before crossing the room to open my window. “Same time tomorrow night?”

  I narrowed my eyes in disbelief. “You’re going to climb back into my window tomorrow night?”

  He smirked. “Well, Nathan isn’t working tomorrow so I won’t be able to see you during the day, and I’ll be damned if I go more than twenty-four hours without kissing those sweet lips of yours.” He winked. “You wanted a fling? Well, you got it, baby.”

  I leaned out the window, watching him climb back down the tree, jog across the yard, and disappear into his backyard. I didn’t want him to go, but I understood why he didn’t stay. I appreciated that he was willing to take things slow when it came to our hook-up.

  When Nate had led me out of the party earlier, I’d been embarrassed. But more than that, I’d been scared. Scared that Jeremy would change his mind. That Nate’s behavior would remind him how delicate the balance was when it came to his brother.

  I knew Jeremy wasn’t mine to keep. I knew one day soon this would be over.

  I was so damn grateful that day wasn’t today.

  ***

  “You want to go to dinner tonight? Maybe down at the Dock?” Nate was lying on the floor in my room, tossing a baseball into the air and then catching it again. He’d brought that ball over here when he was ten, when he’d still been allowed to play team sports. He messed with it all the time. Tossing it in the air, catching it on the back side of his fingers. It was something he did when he was feeling uncomfortable or nervous.

  “The Dock? I thought you hated that place.”

  Nate and I’d had dinner together thousands of times. The only time we went to the Dock was for special occasions with our parents. It was a nice restaurant and we always had to dress up, which was something he didn’t like doing. I had the sinking feeling he wanted to eat there because this was a date. My heart started to beat faster at the thought. He was changing his routine, and it was making me nervous. After all our years together, I had come to know exactly what to expect when it came to Nate Deacon. But over the last week or so, he’d been doing and saying things that were throwing me off balance.

  “I don’t hate it.” He tossed the ball again. “I know you like it, so, I thought I’d take you.” Catch. “About last night.” Toss. “I just...that guy, Keaton. I’ve seen him around school. He’s not always a nice guy, Sav.”

  My mouth was dry, my chest aching like I had a bad case of indigestion. Nate rarely brought up his outbursts after the fact. Usually, he acted like they never happened. He swept them under the rug and moved on as if his bad behavior didn’t actually register with him, like he didn’t see the harm in most of his interactions with other people. Although, to be fair, I never called him on them either. I guess I was as much at fault as he was. No one held Nate accountable, not even me most days. Still, he was being weird. Or more like, he was being normal, which was weird for him.

  “What’s going on with you?”

  He sat and faced me, looking up from his spot on the floor. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  I tried to smile, despite how uncomfortable I felt. “I’ve told you over and over, you aren’t going to lose me. We’re family. I’m not going anywhere.” I wiped my sweaty palms on my thighs.

  “But you are. You’re going to Emerson, and you don’t want me to come
with you. You want to go to parties, and talk to strangers. Suddenly, you want to do all these things and I feel like either I do them with you, or I’ll lose you.”

  Suddenly? That wasn’t true. I’d always wanted to do all the things. I’d been craving the normal high school experience. I wasn’t granted that luxury, or rather I hadn’t asserted myself to let Nate know I wanted that for myself.

  I couldn’t pinpoint the moment I’d decided to make my life all about Nathan Deacon. Maybe it was being dragged out of that slumber party in the middle of the night to quiet his nightmares. Maybe it was the guy he’d punched for kissing me. Maybe it was the meltdown he’d had when I told him I wanted to go to a sleep away summer camp. Maybe it was everything, day after day, piled on top of each other. Slowly, without even noticing it—though, to be honest, I felt it, but didn’t acknowledge my feelings—I’d been buried under the weight of everything Nate. I hadn’t realized it happening until I looked back and I’d let having a life in high school slip right by.

  It didn’t matter now. The damage was done. I was going to have deal with the fallout.

  “It’s not that I don’t want you to come.” I stood up and started pacing my room. “It’s not a good enough school for you. You got into Yale, which is where you always talked about going. I want what’s best for you, and that’s not Emerson.” I took a deep breath, pausing to face him. “I don’t want to get dressed up and go to the Dock. I want to wear shorts and eat a burger. I don’t want to go to parties and talk to strangers. I want hang out with you.” All partial truths, all semi honest statements. I didn’t want to go to the Dock with him. It sounded too much like a date, and that was terrifying, I couldn’t date Nathan, not ever. I didn’t necessarily want to talk to strangers, though if I did want to chat at a party to someone new, I didn’t want World War Three to start if I did.

  “Okay, how about a movie at the theater?” He sounded so unsure of himself, so lost. Going out of his comfort zone was difficult for him, but he was making an effort, for me.

  I smiled again, and this time it was real. I held my hand out to help him off the floor. “A movie sounds great.”

  In theory it did. A movie with my best friend, why not? But, as he held onto my hand a little longer than he normally would have, as he pulled me closer to him, instead of letting go, my heart sank. Nate wanted more. There was no denying it. He wanted something I could never give him.

  Maybe if things had been different growing up, if I hadn’t been charged as his keeper, perhaps I would’ve fallen in love with him. If the darkest parts of him didn’t rest on my shoulders, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so weighed down by his affection. As it was, the damage was done.

  It wasn’t his fault, not really. It was his mom’s, or my parents. It was school counselors and family physicians. It was every adult who wouldn’t put their foot down and demand that Nate get more help. It was everyone that looked to a child, a little girl, to calm the storm inside her best friend. Salve his irrational anger. Something a child should never have the responsibility of doing.

  I couldn’t change the past, but I also wouldn’t let him control my future.

  As fiercely as I loved Nate, I wouldn’t allow that love to keep me prisoner anymore.

  For once in my life, I was choosing me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Jeremy

  Long after it’d gotten dark, the night was still heavy with heat. Summer was pressing down on us, making the air feel thick. Partying was the last thing I felt like doing, but sitting at home wallowing and watching the clock was too pathetic to bear. Nathan and Savy went to the movies, she’d texted me their plans that afternoon.

  I’m going to hang with Nate tonight.

  Do you WANT to hang with him, or is he forcing himself on you?

  He’s still my best friend. Spending time with him isn’t a hardship.

  Yeah? If you could choose to do anything, right at this moment, what would it be?

  Swimming at the lake. It’s hot as hell today. But going to the movies with my best friend is an easily close second.

  I’ll see you later.

  Okay.

  That was hours ago, and I’d read and re-read her texts enough that I’d memorized them. I’d gotten so utterly disgusted with myself that I decided to get off my ass and do something to distract myself. Savy was happy to be spending time with Nathan, she’d said so herself twice. I needed to back off and remember my role in her life, and remember my role in Nathan’s too. So I did what any typical guy home for summer vacation would do. I hit the nearest party. Booze and random chicks I hadn’t seen in over a year, perfect remedy for what was ailing me.

  “Hey man, what are you doing here?” Max’s threw his arms wide when he noticed me moving between cars, making my way to where he was posted up. “I figured you’d be off making a bigger mess of things with Savannah.”

  I shoved Max’s hand out of the way instead of giving him the five he was requesting. “Fuck off.”

  “Mighty testy tonight, aren’t we?” He grabbed a beer out of the cooler in the bed of his truck behind him and tossed it to me. “Not having her by your side is affecting your mood now?” He tsked, shaking his head like he was disappointed. “Shameful, bro.”

  I popped the top and drained half of the cold brew in a few swallows. I hated that Max was right, and I hated even more that Savy wasn’t here. It wasn’t that she was at the movies with Nathan, it was that she wasn’t with me. That right there was a big fucking problem. I’d never admit it out loud. I wouldn’t give Max the satisfaction.

  “Not testy at all. Who the hell uses the word testy? What are you? Eighty?”

  “She with Nathan?” Max studied a group of girls grinding on each other down by the lake shore. They were putting on a hell of a show, hopping to be noticed.

  I followed his gaze, watching for a few seconds, hoping one of them would seem like a good idea. But none of them stirred anything inside me. They didn’t hold a candle to Savy, and I was exactly as shameful as Max accused me of being. “Yeah, they’re at the movies.”

  Max grinned, his smile tight and sarcastic as fuck. “Well, he is her best friend.”

  I hung my head. There was no denying that. “That he is.” He was her best friend and my baby brother. I was the asshole sitting here wishing like hell that they weren’t enjoying their time together.

  Max added, “And your little brother.” Like he was reading my mind or some shit. Sometimes it sucked having lifelong friends who knew you better than you knew yourself.

  “Please, man. I really don’t want another lecture tonight.” I tossed back the rest of my beer, crushing it in my hand and then helping myself to another. I hadn’t talked to Savy for hours. By now, the movie should be over, and Nathan should’ve brought her home. I wanted to be climbing in her window about now, but I wasn’t. That pissed me off.

  “All I’m saying is that jealousy doesn’t look good on you.” Max hopped down off his tailgate, eyeing the girls still dancing on the shoreline.

  “I’m not jealous.” I looked past him, eyeing the attention seeking group again, silently praying for one of them to make me want the way Savy did. “I’m horny.” Lies, both of those statements. Well, not both. I was horny. Unfortunately, the only girl that could cure my ache was on a date with my little brother.

  “Sure you are man.” He glanced at me then back to the girls. “Seems if you really wanted to cure those blue balls, those chicks would be able to help you out a lot better than Savannah would, yeah?”

  I scoffed, trying to buy myself an alibi. “How old are those chicks? They don’t even look legal.”

  He grinned, like the cat that was about to eat the canary. “Old enough to know better, I guarantee you.”

  ***

  I still didn’t know if Nathan was at home or at Savy’s. That was the only reason I wasn’t currently scaling the tree on the side of her house. It was well past midnight and my little brother wasn’t answering his phone. I’d texted,
and I’d called. Nothing. I’d fought the urge to contact Savy the whole Uber ride home. But I was afraid that he’d still be with her and he’d see my name pop up on her phone. I wasn’t scared of my brother, I simply didn’t want to ruin Nathan and Savy’s friendship. At least that’s what I kept telling myself as I walked into my dark house.

  I went straight to Nathan’s room, letting out a relieved breath when I found him lying on his bed. He was still dressed, stretched out over his covers, he’d obviously gotten home not too long ago.

  When he saw me he used the remote control in his hand to turn down the documentary he was watching. “Hey.”

  I leaned against his doorframe, already sneaking out of my room and into Savy’s in my mind. “How was your day off?”

  He smirked, which was typical, I never really got a full smile out of him. “Spent it with Sav, so it was fucking fantastic.”

  I wanted to punch him in his stupid smirking face. “What did you guys do?” But instead, I tried like hell to play it cool.

  He raised an eyebrow in disbelief. I’d never cared to ask before, and he knew it. “We hung out, went to dinner then a movie.”

  I glanced down at my phone, checking the time. “You just now getting home?”

  “Yeah. Why? You my keeper now?”

  I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to go off and tell him that job had always fallen to the girl next door. The child that our family had used as a human buffer. An instrument, a shield. But I couldn’t do that since I was the asshole stealing time with the girl my brother needed to stay sane.

  I swallowed my anger, making sure my voice was even and unaffected. “No. Curious, that’s all.” I pushed away from his room, calling, “Goodnight,” over my shoulder. I closed my bedroom door and threw the lock. I opened my window slowly, trying like hell to make sure it didn’t make any noise before I jumped the few feet to the soft green grass below.

  My heart was pounding. I was so damn excited to see her, to hold her, to kiss her. I couldn’t stop smiling. I sprinted across our yards, swinging up into the tree I’d used last night. She’d left her window open halfway for me, which meant this time I wasn’t going to fall into a tuck and roll.