Bad Habits (Nashville Outlaws #1)

by Cheryl Douglas

  I saw cell phones lighting up the dark. Images and video capturing us. I had to play it cool. Keep it professional.

  Knox opened the song strumming a few chords on his guitar while the crowd’s excitement receded to quiet anticipation. His gravelly voice delivered the first line and it felt like a shot of whiskey, burning as it slid over me, helping me ease into the moment.

  I closed my eyes and got wrapped up in his voice as he belted out the first chorus. Sweet words about making love one more time. Recapturing what was lost. Hiding out in bed, pretending the lies and secrets never happened.

  Is that what I was doing… pretending? Believing that Knox was suddenly going to transform from a carefree player to boyfriend of the year? Ugh. I had to get out of my own head to do this song justice.

  I turned to face the man getting me all tied up and sang like my life depended on it. Words about getting locked in memories. Tears shed. Hearts broken. Yesterday, tomorrow. Lost love and wasted chances.

  He countered with lyrics about missing me, losing out, so much pain and regret. He was begging now, pleading. Just one more chance.

  My heart was breaking as I imagined what would happen if this really was our story. Is this how it all would end? Years of loving and relying on each other, squandered, because we weren’t satisfied with all we had?

  I closed my eyes instead of getting lost in his as I brought the song to its heartbreaking end. It’s too late. Time ran out. We have to learn to live without each other. Face the nights alone. It’s over.

  The lights went down on us and we lowered our mics, our faces mere inches apart as he whispered in my ear, “Perfection. That’s what you are, Ce.”

  He clasped my hand in his while we took a bow for the crowd and he announced a short break.

  He ushered me backstage, his arm around my shoulders, while the rest of the band followed behind us. A stagehand tossed towels and water at him and another did the same for me.

  He found a dark corner and led me to it, while I tried to slow my racing heart. I was nervous and I was letting my fear get the best of me. My mind was spinning with worst case scenarios and I didn’t know how to calm it.

  Knox smiled as he wrapped the towel around my neck and gently blotted my cheeks before swiping another towel over his forehead and pushing damp hair off his face. “You were amazing, baby.”

  “Thanks.” Knox didn’t blow smoke. He was always honest about a musician’s performance, whether it was me or a special guest and long-time friend. “You, uh, kind of surprised me with that one. It wasn’t in the line-up for tonight.”

  “I know.” He grasped my hand, bringing it to his lips. “I know, sorry about that. It just felt right.”

  “Really?” I uncapped my bottle and took a sip of water. “Uh, why’s that?” It was a song about a painful break-up. Why would that feel right to him tonight?

  “I kept meeting your eyes onstage and I could tell you were getting inside your head.” He tapped his index finger against my temple. “Had to do something to bring you back to the present.” He raised a shoulder. “That seemed like the best way.”

  I gave him a rueful smile, both impressed and annoyed that he was able to read me so well. “Well, it worked. Sort of.”

  “I want to kiss you right now.” He looked over his shoulder, where the band was taking a breather and stagehands were making sure everyone had what they needed before they went back out there. “I know I can’t. But damn it, I want you to feel it… to know that what we have is real.” He sounded frustrated, like he was fighting an internal battle. “I mean it. This is as real as it gets for me. I wouldn’t have asked for a chance with you unless I was sure. So whatever you’re thinking, just stop, please.”

  By nature, I was a risk-taker. I’d moved to Nashville the year I turned nineteen, with my jalopy packed full of everything I owned. I’d played the bar scene for four years before I met Knox and we became friends. Another year before he decided he needed me to take his music to the next level. So much history. So many risks. And I didn’t regret a single one, not where he was concerned.

  “I’ll try.” I owed him that. To take a risk and give this thing between us a real chance. He’d never hurt me before. I had no reason to believe he would now. And if that’s the way it ended… with pain and heartbreak? At least I could say I’d taken a chance instead of living in fear, in my comfort zone. “I will.” I grabbed his hand. “I mean it. You deserve that. We deserve that.”

  He grinned before brushing a kiss across my cheek. “I’m glad to hear you say that, sweetheart. I won’t make you regret it. I promise.”

  After the show we met up with James and his friends backstage and Knox was territorial, to say the least. Which was amusing, since my ex had a beer belly, receding hairline, and some really bad ink. Hardly a threat to the demi-god who’d just commanded the stage for two hours.

  “Well girl,” James said to me, while his friends met the band. “I guess you really made it, huh?” He chuckled. “Crazy to think we shared the same dream, but you were the only one with the guts to pursue it.”

  Guts. That’s what it took to get me where I was and that would no doubt see me through whatever the future had in store with Knox. I had to start channelling my nineteen year-old self whenever I got scared, and remember how courageous she’d been when pursuing her dreams.

  “Young and dumb,” I said, smiling at the first boy who ever told me he loved me. “That can be a lethal combination, but in my case, I guess it worked out.”

  Knox squeezed my neck and brushed his lips across my temple. “Sure as hell worked out for me. Can’t imagine you not being in my life.”

  James looked from Knox to me and back again before he said, “I didn’t know you guys were a thing.”

  I should have known we wouldn’t be able to keep this under wraps with James. Knox was trying to make a point and it was obvious. Mine. Back-off. I tried to be mad, but I knew I’d feel the same way if he were making nice with the girl who took his virginity.

  “We’re…” I looked up at Knox, and shook my head, as a smile teased my lips. How could I explain my relationship with this larger-than-life beast of a man who oozed talent, sex appeal, and… love for me? “Tight. Have been for a long time.”

  Knox’s smile was strained when he said, “That’s one way of puttin’ it.”

  “Nice.” James asked me, “You still write songs?”

  “I do, when I have the time.” I tucked a lock of hair behind my hair. “In fact, Knox and I have written a few together.”

  “You don’t say.” He inclined his head, respect in his eyes. “That’s amazing. Remember how we used to write together?” He laughed. “Up in my bedroom, when my parents were out, between… sessions.”

  Sessions. He clearly wasn’t talking about jam sessions with his shitty garage band. And Knox wasn’t stupid. He scowled, like he couldn’t believe my ex was stupid enough to allude to sex in front of him. I couldn’t either. I didn’t mind taking a trip down memory lane, but I wasn’t interested in an X-rated version with a man who’d barely been a blip on the radar screen of my life, compared to Knox.

  “Listen,” Knox said, offering his hand to James. “It was nice to meet you, but it’s been a long night and Cece and I need to chill for bit so we’re gonna head back to my bus now.”

  “Oh sure, that’s cool.” He pumped Knox’s hand. “Uh, great show, man. Seriously. It was worth the drive.”

  “Glad to hear it.”

  I gave James a quick hug, promising to keep in touch, through social media, before allowing Knox to lead me towards his bus.

  “Asshole,” he muttered, when we were out of earshot.

  I stifled a laugh as I backhanded him in the stomach. “He is not. James is a nice guy. He just—”

  “Doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut?” He opened the exit door and waited for me to pass through before he took a quick look around before closing it.

  He grabbed my arm, jerking me back against
his chest as I let out a little yelp.

  “Hey, what—”

  He cut me off with a kiss, thrusting his hand into my hair and angling his mouth over mine as he curled his other arm around my waist. Everything else receded. The only thing I could think about was his hard chest pressed against mine, his hands and mouth owning me as he reminded me why no other man mattered.

  His smile was slow as his forehead touched mine. “That’s better. I’ve been dyin’ to do that all night. Couldn’t wait another second.”

  I rested my hand over his heart. It was beating hard and fast, reminding me that he was only human and we shared the same fears. “I’m glad you didn’t.” I rolled up on my toes and wrapped my arms around his neck, needing to hold him and remind myself this was real. “I’m sorry James made that dumb comment about—”

  “I don’t care about that.” He picked me up so we were eye level. “I don’t care about your first, Cece. You were just a kid then. I’d much rather be your last.”

  My last? Damn. Forever had never sounded so good.

  Chapter 15

  Knox

  After a long hot shower, together, we were curled up on the couch in my bus watching some murder mystery on the tube and pigging out on junk food. It was the kind of normal I’d never had with another girl and I was getting hooked.

  She smiled as she reached into the bag of buttery popcorn we shared. “I have to say, I’m surprised you didn’t try anything in the shower. Getting tired of me already?”

  I kissed her again, this time soft and slow, letting her know we had all night. “You know, we don’t have to spend all of our time in bed.” I grinned. “As much as I enjoy that, I love hanging out with you just as much.” In spite of our crazy-hot chemistry, Cece was still one of my best friends, and I didn’t want to lose that connection.

  “Good to know.” She curled into me with a contented little sigh and pulled the blanket covering us higher. “This feels right, doesn’t it?”

  That was one way to describe it. Right. Perfect. Meant to be. It all worked for me. “Yeah, it does.” I shifted so she was leaning back against my chest and I could curl my arms around her. “I love you, Ce.” I still couldn’t believe how easily those words slipped past my lips, with a completely different meaning than they’d had before.

  “Love you too.” She smiled, making her dimples pop as she wrinkled her nose. “Makes me wonder how I ever said that to anyone else. What I have with you is so different, so much better.”

  I’d never told another woman I loved her, not even back in high school, when it seemed all my buddies were dropping the L-bomb. I just never felt it. And the words didn’t come easily for me. My family wasn’t demonstrative. My old man was a Marine and he raised me and my brother to be tough. Real men don’t cry and all that BS. They don’t talk about their feelings either. But my old man was long gone. And Cece was right here, wrapped up in my arms, and even if my dear old dad was calling me a pussy from the great beyond I didn’t give a shit. I was still gonna tell her I loved her until she got tired of hearing it.

  “What are you thinking about?” she asked, reaching for her water bottle.

  “My dad.”

  He’d died in a car accident a year after we met. It hit me hard, but Cece was right there to help me through it, holding my hand, promising me that time would ease the pain of losing him. She was right, it had. And she had too. She’d always sensed when I needed a laugh and was happy to help drag me out of my own head.

  “You still think about him a lot, I bet,” she said, softly. “He was a good man.”

  He was a good man. Intimidating as hell, to most. But he’d loved Cece. He said I was crazy not to lock that girl down before someone smarter than me did. Turns out my dad was right.

  I linked my left hand with hers, wondering what her slim finger would look like with a huge diamond. Marriage wasn’t even on my radar before Cece dropped her little bombshell, but now that she’d made it clear she wanted that, no way was I going to let her start looking elsewhere.

  I kissed her neck, thinking about the places my mind had taken me when we’d made love that afternoon. Babies. Jesus. It was still surreal to me that I’d not only considered it, but was getting turned on now, just thinking about it.

  She wiggled against me, giggling. “Guess I don’t have to ask what you’re thinking about now, huh?”

  “I was thinkin’ about this afternoon.” I still wanted us to be able to talk about anything and everything, and this was too important to bury it. “What you said about marriage and babies.”

  “Oh.” She folded the bag over and set it on a nearby end table. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I just wanted you to know that maybe I could see myself settling down someday.”

  “I could too.” I kissed her when she turned to face me, licking the salt off my lips and smacking them. “Yummy.”

  “You could see me settling down?” she asked, sounding wary. “Being a mom and wife?”

  “Sure.” I stole another kiss, thinking this could easily replace one of my bad habits. “I think you’d be a great mom.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “You’re a caretaker.” She was always looking out for everyone else and she had a sweet, nurturing side that drove her kid sister crazy sometimes. “Besides, I’ve seen you with the crew’s kids. You’re awesome.”

  “I don’t know, I just didn’t think that was for me.” She turned to fully face me, her elbow propped on the back of the couch and her hand holding her unruly hair out of her face. “Given our lifestyle, but—”

  “Babe, lots of artists are married and have families. They make it work.” If that was a deal breaker for Cece, we’d find a way, because there was no way I could deny this woman anything.

  “But what do you want?” she asked, taking my hand. “This isn’t all about what I want. I know we’ve only been seeing each other—”

  “Would you stop sayin’ that?”

  I didn’t want to get pissed, but she was making it sound like we barely knew each other. I’d been the guy holding her, drying her tears, and making her laugh for the past five years. No one knew her better than I did. And if anyone could go from first to home in a minute, we could.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to make it seem like I’m rushing things. The last thing I want to do is put pressure on you.”

  She was too damn cute, and insufferable sometimes. Every woman I’d ever dated tried to push too fast, too hard, turning me off before they turned me on, but Cece wasn’t like the rest. There was nothing she could say or do that would scare me off.

  “Listen to me…” I rested my hand against her cheek, getting lost in her eyes. They were sparkling tonight. Must be true what they said about falling in love, ‘cause it was lighting my girl up. “You’re not pressuring me. If you want to talk about marriage and babies, we’ll talk about it. I’ll be honest with you about how I’m feelin’. Always. And if I didn’t think I could get there eventually, you know I wouldn’t lead you on.”

  She nodded. “I know. I’m just being silly. I’m not even sure I want to do the whole marriage and family thing. I’m just putting it out there, in case.”

  I pulled her close, resting her head on my shoulder as I kissed her forehead. She wasn’t sure she would want it, but what if I did? Now that I’d started thinking along those lines it wasn’t hard to imagine this gorgeous woman walking down the aisle, agreeing to be my wife.

  I brushed my lips against her cheek as my fantasy continued to unfold. Cece excitedly producing that little plastic stick. Watching her belly swell with my baby. Holding her hand in the hospital while we welcomed—

  “Hey.” She lifted her head, looking into my eyes. “Why so quiet?”

  “Just thinkin’, babe.” I kissed her, knowing we’d have dozens of conversations about this before we decided to take the leap. And we had time on our side. “I love that we get all this time together on the road.” Back home in Nashville her apartmen
t was a twenty minute drive from my house on the outskirts of the city and we only saw each other a couple of times a week. But being on the road meant I could get my Cece fix whenever I needed it.

  “Me too.”

  I eased her back on the couch, tying my hand up in her hair as my mouth found hers.

  She’d claimed one of my t-shirts when we got out of the shower and as much as I loved seeing her in my clothes I was ready to get her naked. I pushed the shirt up, cupping her breast as I deepened the kiss.

  Cece moaned into my mouth, threading her hands through my hair as she arched into me.

  Her cell phone rang and I swore softly, dipping my head. “Ignore it.”

  “That’s my sister’s ring tone.” She pushed against my shoulders. “She wouldn’t call this late unless it was important, Knox.”

  I sighed, but shifted so she could snag the phone out of her purse. “Hey, Charli. What’s up?”

  I moved over to give her some room as I reached for my water. Normally I’d cap the night off and celebrate a great show with a few drinks, but tonight all I needed to get that high was Cece in my arms.

  “Oh my God, is he okay?” her eyes were frantic as they darted to me. “Yeah, of course, I’ll be there. I just have to talk to Knox. How’s Mama holding up?” She drew a deep breath, dropping her head as I moved closer, stroking her back.

  Shit. This couldn’t be good.

  “Ok, tell her to hang in there and try to stay calm. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ll text you when I have my flight details. Love you too, sis. Bye.” She disconnected the call and let the phone fall back in her open bag.

  My gut clenched as my hand moved up and down her back, trying to comfort her. “Is it Chee?” Her father was larger than life. I couldn’t imagine anything taking that beast of a man out. Or that’s what I wanted to believe. Many said the same after my father passed, but even he was no match for a drunk in a Chevy.