Off Limits

by Glen Robins

  As Collin climbed in the driver’s seat, he felt his face flush. His jagged breathing loud and barely under control. His hand shook as he twisted the key. The engine rattled and squealed as it came to life and whined like a wounded animal as he drove away. Collin watched in his rearview mirror as Katherine Burns finally retreated into the ornate luxury of her multi-million-dollar home.

  * * *

  Monday morning dawned and Collin found himself as apprehensive as he had ever felt. His anger had dissipated, but not the shame of being called a distraction and a parasite. Not sure what to expect from Emily when he saw her, he almost wanted to avoid her. Knowing that would be too obvious and cowardly, he summoned his courage and pushed open the creaking door of his fifteen-year-old pickup truck. He pinched his eyes shut remembering the look of disgust on Katherine Burns’ face as he climbed into this same truck just forty-eight hours earlier. There was nothing he should be ashamed of and he knew it. His part-time job at the surf shop had helped him earn the money to buy this truck himself and pay for his own insurance and gas. He was earning his own way in life, at least to some extent. It was an accomplishment that he was proud of.

  Collin hooked the straps of his backpack with one hand as he opened the door with the other. Rolling out of his seat, lost in thought, he didn’t see or sense anyone nearby, until he reached the back bumper and found Emily leaning against his tailgate, her gaze fixated on her shoes.

  “I’m sorry about my mother,” she said dryly. “She can be so nasty sometimes.”

  Collin stopped cold and his stomach tightened. He hadn’t expected to see Emily until at least third period where their classrooms were next door to each other. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “But I do. She had no right to say what she said. She doesn’t know you the way I do.”

  Collin squinted in the morning sun and kicked at the ground. “She said some pretty hurtful things, like how I’m a parasite that’s holding you back.”

  “I know.”

  “How?”

  “She told me.”

  “She did?”

  “Yeah, like she was proud of it. Like she expected me to just fall in line and accept everything she said because she said it.”

  “Wow. Why does she think I’m so terrible?”

  “She doesn’t know you. She just thinks anyone who doesn’t run in her circles is a lower life form. She comes from old East Coast money and has a very warped sense of social classes. She has a very feudal mindset, I’m afraid. It’s obnoxious.”

  Collin pulled his mouth tight and decided not to say what he wanted to say. Instead, he pounded the tailgate and said, “This old thing probably didn’t help boost my standing with her, either.”

  Emily giggled. “Well, I don’t care. I think it’s cool.”

  Collin started walking toward campus. Emily followed suit. “It sounds like she’s got you in all kinds of after-school and weekend classes to make sure you succeed. I suppose it’s also to keep you away from me.” Collin stayed quiet for a few steps. “I don’t know where that leaves us. Seems like you won’t have much time to see me anymore.”

  Emily bit her lip and glanced up at Collin. “I know. Ever since my brother died, she’s been so focused on me and making sure I don’t get pulled down into the same kinds of problems as he did that I feel like I’m being smothered. She’s determined to schedule every minute of my life so that I’m not idle, as if I’m going to start dealing drugs in my spare time. I guess she doesn’t trust me.”

  Collin detected sadness in her voice and a touch of resignation. There was silence between them as they neared campus. All the while, Collin sorted out the epiphany he was having. It became obvious in those few lines that Emily feared her mother, too. “Why don’t you talk to her and explain how you feel? I mean, she’s acting out of concern for you, right? I’m sure she means well.”

  Another few steps before Emily replied. “You’re being far too generous to her. This is not about me. It’s about her and her image. With all the damage my brother has done, I’m the only hope. It’s up to me to redeem the family name and she won’t let me fail.”

  Collin stopped at the edge of the parking lot, just before the walkway that led to the classroom buildings. He reached for her hand and turned to face her. “Man, this sucks. You must be feeling so much pressure. How can I help?”

  Emily fought back tears. “You’ll never be able to change her, if that’s what you mean.”

  Collin shot an eyebrow upward. “Is that the help you need?”

  “If only . . .”

  “Maybe I can’t change who she is, but I could talk to her and try to convince her that I’m not so bad and remind her of what a wonderful person you are.”

  “You’re so sweet, but I don’t think any of that would help.” She paused as she dabbed her eyes with her shirt sleeve. “She’s stubborn as an ox. Nothing changes her mind. Except, of course, when all the other snobs in her circles decide to have a different opinion.”

  “OK,” said Collin with hardly a pause. “Which one of them should I talk to first?”

  Emily emitted a half sob, half giggle, and waved a dismissive hand. “What I really want is just to be able to spend time with you. Would it be alright if I came by after my afternoon classes?”

  Collin smiled and pulled her close. “Of course it’d be OK with me, but what about your mom? Won’t she be suspicious if you’re late?”

  “She probably won’t notice, for one thing. And I can always tell her class ran late or I stayed to ask questions or something like that. Don’t worry. I know what she wants to hear. She’ll never know.”

  Collin’s smile faded. “I don’t want you to have to live a lie, though. That would just put more pressure on you.”

  “I thought you wanted to help.”

  “I do.”

  “Then don’t worry about my mom. Just keep being my friend. I’ll figure out the other stuff.”

  “Any chance we can still sneak in a walk on the beach now and then?”

  “Of course. I love our walks. And I think Charlie does, too,” she said with another wobbly giggle.

  Chapter Nine

  Senior Year—Collin

  Edison High School

  Huntington Beach, California

  Senior year was in full swing. Everyone he knew was wrapped up in the college application frenzy. Everyone, that is, but him.

  Collin found himself feeling like an outsider looking in despite the fact that he was well-liked and respected on campus. The fame from knocking down Rick Magliano had placed Collin in the realm of legends. His friends, his grades, and Mr. Joseph had combined to keep him humble, but so had the daunting college application process and the unrelenting demand to excel academically, even though he had little desire to do so.

  It was becoming clearer to him that his friends were moving in a direction that he didn’t really want to go. His group’s interests were diverging, their paths splitting.

  On weekday evenings, when he wanted to hang out or watch a movie or play video games, his friends were busy writing essays. On the weekends, when he wanted to surf or go on a hike together with them, they were out touring some campus somewhere.

  What lay ahead for Collin was far less clear than what lay ahead for his friends.

  His love for Emily had not settled his future. It was odd to him that he wanted to be with her and hoped to marry her someday but felt nothing pushing him down a career path that would allow him to be a provider, or, with her ambitions, a contributor, at least. Her energy and brilliance hadn’t sparked him yet. She was driven and knew what she wanted to do with her life and how to put herself in a position to accomplish it.

  Lukas had a pretty good idea, too. No doubt he would be some sort of technical guru making a mint each payday. He had well-known academic institutions reaching out to him, asking him to come attend their university. Collin was so far from that he couldn’t begin to fathom it.

  Even Rob, the free-wheeling free spi
rit, had decided to attend ASU, his dad’s alma mater. He admitted that his dad had connections that may have helped him get in, but nonetheless, he had the drive to excel wherever he ended up. He planned to study the art and science of entrepreneurship—a new and growing field of study perfectly suited to an energetic, charismatic, throw-the-rule-book-out kind of guy like Rob.

  Rob’s enthusiasm was unbridled and nearly contagious.

  Not even his parents’ coaxing and coaching helped.

  Collin was the odd man out. Somewhere during his Junior year, his grades slipped and with them, his enthusiasm for school. Every effort to pull his grades back up just frustrated him. He wasn’t inclined to study that much to begin with. Add to that the fact that his studying never helped him get higher than a “B” on any test, and the desire to settle took root. He couldn’t pull his GPA up by getting B’s on mid-terms or papers or projects. It was a losing cause, so he dialed back the effort.

  He had no desire to attend SAT prep classes, either. Who would want to spend their evenings or weekends in a classroom, studying and taking practice tests when there was a whole world out there to explore and waves to surf and people to see?

  For Collin, college didn’t seem that enticing. He didn’t drink, didn’t party, and didn’t like sitting in a classroom or doing homework. Why would he sign up for something like that? Another four years stuck inside with my face in a book? And for what? A hundred thousand dollars of debt and a boring office job waiting for me at the end? No thanks, he thought. But he had not shared any of his doubts with any of his friends until a few days before Thanksgiving.

  That’s when Collin and Emily were walking across campus after school, heading toward his truck and she asked, “How are your applications coming along.”

  “Fine,” Collin lied.

  “You said that last time and I felt like you were brushing me off because you didn’t want to talk about it. Is that what’s happening here?”

  “No.”

  “Be honest with me, Collin. I can tell when you’re avoiding the truth.”

  “You want the truth, huh? Hmm.” Collin debated about what to say. He didn’t want to keep avoiding the truth, but he feared Emily’s reaction.

  “Yeah, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,” she said with a wry smile and a squeeze of the hand she was holding.

  “You might not like it, though.”

  “Try me.”

  “OK, but please don’t be mad at me.”

  “Mad? Why would I be mad?”

  “’Cause I don’t know if I want to go to a big university and pay to study. I’m not very good at it now and I can’t see myself forking out big bucks just to go sit in some more classrooms and stare at some more books. Plus, I don’t know what I want to do, what I want to be. So, how would I know what I want to study?”

  Emily was quiet for a few paces. They stepped into the parking area. Collin’s truck was at the far end of the lot. “You should explore your options. That’s what a lot of kids do.”

  “Explore my options at what, ten grand a semester? That’s nuts. I’m not as good a student as you are. I’m not even as good as either of my siblings. I won’t be getting any scholarships and Henry has made it pretty clear that he’s not footing the bill, not for me to go ‘mess around and try to figure it out.’”

  Collin could feel Emily tense up. The arm of the hand he was holding stiffened, no longer swinging freely with his. Her steps shortened and her pace slowed.

  “What?” he said. “You wanted the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. You said you wouldn’t get mad.”

  “I know. It’s just hard to hear.”

  “Why? That’s how I feel. If you haven’t noticed, my grades are not great. I’m working hard and barely getting B’s and C’s. I don’t feel like working harder in college to get mediocre grades to prepare myself for some job that I have no idea about—no idea what it will be, whether I’ll like it, whether I’ll be good at it, or whether I’ll make a decent living at it.” He used his fingers to enumerate the things he didn’t know. “It’s a lot of pressure when there’s so much money on the line.”

  “What else are you going to do with your life? What are you going to do when everyone leaves for college?”

  “I’ll keep working and saving my money.” He didn’t sound super thrilled. Even he could hear it in his voice.

  “Oh, at the surf shop? Is that your long-term plan?”

  “No, but it’s OK for now while I figure the next step in my plan.”

  “OK. While you’re wasting time at the surf shop, you could be learning new things and discovering what you might like to do with your life instead.”

  “Yeah, I could blow a whole bunch of money to pay some university to maybe ‘enlighten me.’ There’s no guarantee they’ll be able to do that. Or I could get paid to do something I like to do while I enlighten myself and figure it out on my own. Which plan makes more sense?”

  Emily sighed and stayed quiet until they reached the truck. Exasperated, she asked, “How do you plan to make a living, support a family, buy a home?”

  “I’ll figure it out,” he said, not fully convicted.

  She dropped his hand and walked around to the other side of the truck, making it obvious that she would let herself in.

  Collin climbed in the driver’s side and was once again hyper-aware of the creaks and groans his poor little truck made when the doors opened, then reached across the cab to open Emily’s. She slid in on the passenger’s side, her jaw set, and her eyes fixed on something straight ahead.

  The car ride home was silent, except for the engine’s wailing and the thrum of the knobby tires on the pavement.

  When they arrived in front of Emily’s house, her mother’s car was not in the driveway, so Emily motioned for Collin to shut off the engine.

  “I don’t understand,” she started. The usual compassion was absent from her tone. “What’s wrong, Collin? We’ve talked about this and you agreed that getting an education is vital. How will you compete in the marketplace without it? You can’t work at that surf shop the rest of your life.”

  Collin sucked in a deep breath. “I wish I knew the answer, Emily. I really do. But nothing grabs my interest. Nothing stands out and screams, ‘Oh, here I am, your chosen field. Come study me.’” Collin half-heartedly flailed his arms to add to dramatic effect, eliciting a slight smile from the otherwise annoyed face of his sweetheart.

  The exasperated grin faded as she wagged her head. “Collin, we’re going to graduate. We only have one semester of high school left. You’ve got to come up with a better plan than that. Just waiting around for your major to find you is not an answer.”

  “I just need some more time to sort it out in my head, earn some money, figure out what I really want to do for the next forty or fifty years of my life.”

  “What do your parents say?”

  “They talk to me about their education and their careers, you know. My dad has done really well in the world of finance. He’s a true soldier about his work. Good ol’ Henry just gets up every day and marches off to work, you know. He really enjoys dealing with people and their money, but it sounds super stressful to me. My mom says he’s a wizard at finance and accounting and has built quite the reputation for solving his clients’ problems. That’s great for him, but I don’t think I could do that. It just sounds so boring to me.”

  “You don’t have to do what your dad did, you know?”

  “I know. My point is, he found something he likes and became really good at it. He’s had a great career and shows no sign of slowing down. I want that, but I don’t know where to find it. I’m afraid I’ll get into something I hate and be miserable for the rest of my life.”

  Emily was obviously having trouble relating to Collin’s lostness. She’d always known, it seemed, that she wanted to be a doctor and wanted to cure cancer. She let out a sigh. “I wish I knew what to tell you, Collin. It just seems that if you don’t enroll in coll
ege, you’ll be just out there drifting aimlessly. But if you go, you’ll probably figure out what you like in the first year or two. I think the important thing is to just get in and get moving forward.”

  “Why would I spend a bunch of money trying to figure out what I might be good at?”

  Emily sighed again. “Let’s start at the beginning again. What do you think you’re really good at, Collin?”

  “Well, let’s see . . . There’s surfing, walking my dog, and Call of Duty.”

  This brought a sideways smirk to her face despite her best attempts to quash it. “Be serious, would you?”

  “OK. I like History and I like English. I get A’s without trying that hard. But, really, what do either of those do for you? Teacher, right? I don’t want to be a teacher. I’m just not cut out for it.”

  “Like I said, maybe you just need to go to college, take some classes, and explore some areas that are interesting to you.”

  “Like surfing? Think they have a class on that?”

  “Very funny, Collin.”

  The conversation was going nowhere, so Collin joked around about joining the pro surfing circuit, winning the lottery, or investing his savings in “the next big thing” and striking it rich in the stock market.

  Emily looked at her watch. “I’ve got to go. We’ll talk more about this tomorrow.” She gave him a quick peck on the lips and a forced smile as she climbed out of the truck.

  A small but meaningful shift had just occurred. He sensed a growing fissure in his relationship with Emily. Through the weeks that followed, Emily tried to cover up her disappointment, but it showed in her eyes. His lack of motivation frustrated him, as well. It was a growing problem that he didn’t know how to resolve.