Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC Book 4)

by Mia Ford

  “Of course,” Allison says warmly. “Let’s go.”

  “Bye, Dad!” Lily says cheerfully.

  “Have fun, I won’t be late,” I say.

  I leave the house quickly. The tight knot of pressure in my chest feels like it’s about to explode, and I need to get out of there now. I only just remember to grab the helmet and jacket hanging by the front door.

  I fumble with my bike. For a moment, I wonder if I should be driving in this state. Then I take a deep breath and kick the stand up, rolling the bike out of the garage and fitting my helmet on my head.

  It’s fine. It’ll all be fine.

  The drive to the bar is short, and there aren’t that many people there. I recognize Kyle’s bike, so I pull up alongside it and lock it, leaving the helmet there. When I get inside, only Kyle is sitting at the bar, and two men are sitting, hunched, at a corner table, muttering to each other.

  “Ethan!” Grant says from the bar, smiling at me. It drops when I get closer. “You look like shit, man.”

  “Allison pretty much said the same thing,” I say weakly.

  “What happened?” Kyle demands as I pull myself onto the stool beside him.

  I hesitate. And then the entire story spills from me. I tell them about Polly’s reappearance, remembering that I hadn’t told Kyle yet, and about our meeting and then our day out yesterday. I tell them about my argument with Georgia, which led to me almost arguing with Polly this morning, and Lily trying to find out what happened. And then I recount the conversation I overhead.

  By the end of it, I can’t breathe. Panic is coursing through me.

  “I’m going to lose her,” I say, gripping my short. “Polly is rich, so she has the money to support Polly, she has a husband to help her… She’s going to take Lily away!”

  “Breathe, Ethan,” I hear Grant say. His voice sounds far away. “Come on, man, just fucking breathe already.”

  I struggle to draw in a deep breath. Eventually, however, I manage it. I sit still for several moments as Kyle and Grant watch me quietly. Slowly, the panic begins to subside, leaving misery and shame in its wake.

  “Sorry,” I mutter.

  “No, man, you have every right to panic!” Kyle says instantly. “I’m more surprised that it’s taken you a week!”

  I give him a small, wobbly smile.

  “Yeah, it’s been pretty hectic since I got that letter,” I say.

  “No doubt,” Grant grunts. He frowns. “That’s all really fucked up, Ethan.”

  “Don’t I know it,” I say. I stare at the bar counter. “What do I do? She’s already investigating me. Soon, they’ll find out that I’m only paying the bills. Financially, Polly is way more secure than me. And, because of that fucking lie she told her parents, her mom is going to be used as a witness against me. How do I prove that she’s lying?”

  “It’s impossible,” Grant says reluctantly. “It happened ten years ago. In this, Polly has more sway since she apparently told her parents that you were abusing her back then. It’ll be your word against hers, and hers will probably hold more weight.”

  “Maybe I can find that psychologist she went to?” I suggested. I’m desperate for anything that will work. “She said she told her the truth.”

  “The psychologist might not be able to be a witness due to confidentiality,” Grant points out.

  “That’s fucking stupid,” Kyle says before I can. “That means Polly can just do whatever she wants?”

  “Yeah…I don’t even know how many people Polly told about me apparently abusing her, so she could have several witnesses against my character,” I say gloomily. “The only person I have left from back then is Georgia. I don’t think she’ll be enough.”

  “Well, you can prove that you’ve never raised a hand against Lily,” Kyle points out. “Lily loves you and she would tell them you never hurt her. So they can’t accuse you of child abuse, at least.”

  “I’d prefer to resolve this before Lily gets involved,” I groan. “I don’t want her to know about this. She would be devastated.” I hesitate. “And, if the worst case does happen, and she has to go with Polly…I don’t want her to resent living with her mom. I don’t want her to be angry and bitter. It wouldn’t be fair.”

  “She’ll work it out if she’s removed from you,” Kyle says quietly. “Lily isn’t stupid. Her mom comes back, and then she’s being forced to live with her? She can put two and two together.”

  “You do still have one major thing in your favor, anyway,” Grant says. “Polly’s abandonment. She’s going to claim that she was frightened, which is why it took so long to approach you, but that means she didn’t show any care for her daughter, who she thought she left with an abusive father. And the papers will show she lied about your mom taking custody of Lily; it’s easy to prove that your mom never even attempted to file for custody. That’s going to be a point against her, especially when you prove you’ve never harmed Lily.”

  “That’s one point,” I say weakly. “It’s a big one, but all Polly’s points are big. She’s going to use my finances against me, too. And…” I hesitate. “She’s going to use the Roughshod Rollers against me.”

  Kyle and Grant both go quiet. We tend to get a bad rep for being part of a motorbike club. People sneer at us being part of a gang, and the looks we get when we wear our jackets range from fear to disgust.

  “You weren’t part of the Roughshod Rollers ten years ago,” Kyle points out. “We didn’t even know you back then.”

  “No, but I was part of another group,” I say, frowning. “Not a formal group, like ours; we didn’t have a name or a symbol. We were just fucking around. We’d get on our bikes and ride around the streets. It was fun.” My shoulders slump. “Right until two dickheads, Ben and Manny, decided to break into a jewelry store one night and rob them. They went to jail for that. Then, a month later, Rob went to jail too, for murder. The rest of us broke up after that, none of us wanting to be involved, but I told Polly about it. So she knows that I used to hang around with two robbers and a murderer.”

  “Well, shit,” Kyle says.

  I groan.

  “It’s almost enough to make me wish I’d never learned to ride,” I mutter.

  For me, a motorbike was freedom. When I get on my bike and ride around on it, it feels like I’m flying. I can forget all my problems. When Lily was younger, and I was so overwhelmed that I could barely think, I would have Georgia come around and look after her so I could go for a ten-minute ride just to center myself.

  But it seems that even having a motorbike is more trouble than it’s worth. My bike is not worth Lily.

  “Why don’t we have Alex investigate?” Grant asks, grimacing. “He’s really good at dragging out information people want to leave hidden.”

  I shoot him a quick glance. Alex Howard is a private detective who joined us a few years ago. It’s thanks to him that we still have a clubhouse after a councilor attempted to take it from us when the previous owner, who had gifted it to us, passed away. He managed to strike a deal with the council so that we would be able to rent it at a diminished rate as long as we fixed it up.

  Alex, unfortunately, was also the unwitting accomplice to Jessica when she looked into Grant’s past, leading to their break-up and her three-year disappearance. I thought the two of them had made up, because it really hadn’t been Alex’s fault, but there’s a slightly bitter note in Grant’s voice.

  “Yeah,” I say. “But I don’t think even he can drag this out. We’re not just up against anyone. Warrick Sanders is a councilor. I don’t want Alex to get in trouble because he’s trying to help me.”

  “Yeah, it’s not good to go up against a guy that powerful,” Kyle frowns.

  “Which is what makes this so terrifying,” I murmur. “Polly has her husband’s backing and, from what I overheard, he knows the truth, too.”

  “So why the fuck are they even doing this?” Kyle demands.

  I wish I knew the answer to that. It’s the one thin
g that doesn’t make sense. Polly didn’t want Lily when she was born. So why has she shown up, ten years later, asking to be part of Lily’s life while she quietly tries to take custody of her in the background?

  It doesn’t make sense.

  Then again, as Georgia said, people can change a lot in ten years.

  “I don’t know,” I say. I run a hand through my hair. “Between this and arguing with Georgia, I’m really lost.”

  I see Kyle and Grant exchange knowing looks. I scowl at them.

  “Out with it,” I demand. “What are the two of you thinking right now?”

  “You really want to know that?” Grant asks, raising an eyebrow.

  Something in my stomach tightens. I look between them and nod warily.

  “You’re a fucking idiot,” Kyle says bluntly, and I gape at him.

  “Seconded,” Grant snorts. “Come on, Ethan, you said you haven’t been able to get Georgia out of your head all week. What does that tell you?”

  “More than I want it to,” I mutter.

  “So you have realized,” Kyle asks. “What’s stopping you, then?”

  “It’s not that easy,” I snap. “Give me a break, guys. I don’t even know what’s going on, and it’s Georgia, you know?” I look at them helplessly. “I can’t fall in love with her.”

  There, it’s out. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I want to touch Georgia again. I’ve spent all week thinking and dreaming about it. I want to kiss her and tell her how beautiful she is…and, fuck, I love her. But don’t I only love her as a friend? It’s all very confusing.

  But, one thing is clear… My feelings for Georgia are not as platonic as I thought they were, and having sex with her has opened a floodgate.

  If it was anyone else, I would ignore it. But it’s Georgia, who has been by my side for years. How long have I felt this way and just pretended otherwise?

  Maybe I really am an idiot.

  I groan and slump over the bar counter.

  “Everything sucks,” I mutter. “I’m just going to ignore it all tonight. I’ll deal with it tomorrow.”

  And, hopefully, I could come up with a way to fix my problem. Somehow, I need to get Polly off my back…and deal with whatever is going on with my strange feelings for Georgia.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Georgia

  My head is spinning after my conversation with Hayley. Could it be true? Does Ethan have feelings for me?

  I don’t know. I’m scared to find out. But, at the same time, I really need to know.

  Before I know it, I find myself pulling into Ethan’s driveway. I sit in the car for a long moment. My heart is beating very fast. Part of me is screaming that I’m an idiot and that I need to stop now. If I don’t, I’ll open something that I can never shut again.

  “Are you really going to leave without telling him how you feel, even if it doesn’t go the way you want?”

  I’ve never considered, even once, telling Ethan how I feel. He met Polly when I was fifteen, around the time I started to realize that I had more than sisterly feelings for him, and then he married her. After, he wasn’t in any type of way to consider another relationship, and then he had to concentrate on raising Lily.

  Maybe I’m just making excuses, but there never seemed to be a good enough time to tell him about my feelings. As time went on, I just decided, at some point, to take that secret to my grave. What was the point in telling him I loved him when I was just going to get rejected?

  But…

  Hayley’s words opened a possibility to me, of me leaving Ethan behind and going to live in the city, never having told him how I felt. The regret I would feel, I suddenly know, would be enormous. I waited patiently by his side for over ten years, and we had been as thick as thieves in the years before that, too. I’ve known Ethan for over twenty years now. He’s my best friend.

  Don’t I owe it to myself to get the words out at least once?

  So, here I am, sitting in my car and trying to work up the courage to tell Ethan what I’ve hidden from him for so long. I wonder how he’ll take it. One thing I know for sure is that, regardless of whether he responds to my feelings or not, it won’t break us. I won’t let it.

  Maybe, instead, it will finally give me the push I need to move on. I’ve wallowed too long in unsaid and unrequited feelings. Getting rejected will feel terrible, but it will also free me so that I can take this new job and live my life.

  That’s what I need.

  I inhale deeply and head to the front door. I open the door carefully; there aren’t many lights on. Lily is likely already in bed, and I don’t want to wake her up. Slowly, I creep through the house, heading to the kitchen when I hear the sound of the tap running.

  To my surprise, however, it is Allison instead of Ethan standing at the sink.

  “Georgia?” Allison asks, startled at my appearance. “What are you doing here?”

  “I could ask the same,” I say, blinking. “Where’s Ethan?”

  “He went out for a minute,” Allison says. Her brow furrows. “Do you know why he was so rattled?”

  I wince.

  “Ethan and I argued yesterday,” I say. “Sort of. I said some things, anyway. So, I figured we needed to talk about it, which is why I’m here.”

  “Oh, that explains it,” Allison says, nodding. She grimaces. “What did the two of you even argue about? You guys never argue!”

  “We both did something stupid, and Ethan made things worse when he tried to fix it,” I say vaguely.

  Allison blinks and then rolls her eyes.

  “You guys slept together, didn’t you?” she asks.

  I cough, my face feeling overly hot.

  “Is it that obvious?” I ask.

  “It’s the only reason I can think of why you’re dodging the question,” Allison says with a shrug. “So, how did that happen?”

  “Ethan was drunk,” I sigh. “I don’t know if he’s told you guys that Polly showed up out of the blue?”

  “No,” Allison says, her eyes wide. “He’s probably telling Kyle about it now since they both went down to the bar to see Grant. Seriously?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “Long story short, it’s been a real mess. On the other hand, he, Polly and Lily went out for lunch yesterday, and they apparently had a nice day.” I snort. “He’s a little paranoid that he’ll lose Lily to Polly, but I told him he’s being ridiculous.”

  “I agree,” Allison laughs. “He’ll be alright. But, anyway, back to you guys sleeping together?”

  “He’d only just heard from Polly, so he started drinking,” I say, rolling my eyes. “He was so drunk when I found him.” I sigh. “Then he kissed me and told me how beautiful I was…and I just couldn’t resist. So, we slept together. He tried to apologize for taking advantage the next day, but, if anything, I’m the one that took advantage.”

  “Wow,” Allison says. “So, are you guys together now?”

  “Of course not,” I say, snorting. “Ethan is just a friend.”

  “And I’m the Queen of England,” Allison says, deadpan. “Come on, the way you guys look at each other…there’s definitely something there.”

  First Hayley, now Allison? Why are they seeing something in Ethan’s feelings for me that I’m not? I still don’t know whether or not to believe them.

  Then again, that’s why I’m here, isn’t it? To confess to Ethan and hopefully get some sort of answer from him, for better or worse?

  Only, Ethan isn’t here.

  “Did Ethan take his motorbike when he left?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I heard him leave,” Allison says.

  At least Ethan isn’t going to come back drunk, then. I bite my lip. Do I just wait here for him to return, or do I leave and come back tomorrow?

  Will I be able to summon up the courage to do this tomorrow?

  Abruptly, I know that I won’t. The combination of Hayley’s words and my own desire not to feel that regret have pushed me here tonight. If I sleep on it, though, I know t
hat things will be very different in the morning. I’ll start making excuses not to say anything again. I’ll probably use Polly as the excuse this time, convincing myself that the timing isn’t ideal with Polly on the scene.

  No. Somehow, I have to do this tonight.

  “Are you okay?” Allison asks,

  “I’m…going to do something else stupid when Ethan gets home,” I confess. “I’m going to tell him how I feel. I just don’t know what will happen. Somehow, everything is going to change, no matter what he answers.”

  “Change isn’t a bad thing,” Allison says.

  “I hope not,” I say. I glance at her. “Why does everyone insist Ethan has feelings for me, though? I’ve never seen any sign of them.”

  “I don’t know… It’s the way he looks at you, I think,” Allison says, frowning. “I mean…think about Alex and Hayley, and the way they look at each other. The way they treat each other, you’d think they hate each other. But, sometimes…”

  “They look at each other like there’s no one else in the world,” I finish. “Yeah, I’ve seen that.”

  “You and Ethan do that, too,” Allison says. “Sometimes, I see Ethan just looking at you, and it’s like there’s this bubble around the two of you that no one else can penetrate.” She shrugs. “He tries so hard to take care of you, too, claiming that it’s because of how much you do for him. I don’t know, Allison. It just feels like he’s holding back, sometimes.”

  “Hayley thinks that he hasn’t even realized that he might have feelings for me,” I grumble.

  “Maybe,” Allison says with a grin. “But, you know, if he really was that rattled tonight because of your argument, then he definitely feels something for you.”

  I don’t want to hope. Hope is what kept breaking my heart before. I still haven’t even spoken to Ethan. Allison and Hayley might be wrong, after all. I need to prepare myself for rejection.

  But it’s hard not to feel the way my heart lifts slightly in anticipation.

  “Well, good luck, anyway,” Allison tells me. “You’ll be fine, no matter what happens.”