by S J Amit
I started driving over to the pharmacy. Within a few minutes I was finding it hard to breathe and the music was driving me crazy. I turned the radio off, rolled down all the windows, and still I felt suffocated. When I parked at the shopping center the pain got stronger again and everything spun around me. I pushed my seat back and closed my eyes for a moment.
A sharp pain sliced through my chest all the way to my back. I couldn’t breathe. I held my chest and squirmed from the pain. I tried to drink water but I couldn’t swallow. I opened the car door and tried to vomit. I laid down folded on my side and tried to stop moaning in order not to scare anyone. I just about managed to get out of the car and felt like I was going to faint. I used all the strength I had left to get to the pharmacy. The walls threatened to crush me and the products on the shelves went blurry. I walked straight to the counter. There was no one else in line. I leaned on the counter and breathed heavily. “I need… pills… to calm the pain.”
“Do you have a prescription?” the man behind the counter asked worriedly.
“I finished it… this is an emergency,” I held my chest.
He said a few words that I couldn’t understand. His face went blurry.
“Sir! Sir!” I heard him close to me, “Lie down over here, I’m calling an ambulance.”
“Wait a minute,” I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the corridor, “She… she knows which pills I took,” I pointed at the woman in the photo on the board.
I lost my grip and fell down. The lighting on the wall became distorted. Everything started blacking out around me. Another pair of legs above my head. Someone said something. A man with a long wooden stick. Throwing and catching something. Throwing and catching. I tried to raise my hand, call him, but couldn’t make a sound. He came near me. Then walked away again. Near. I was losing my mind.
“Don’t fight the pain. The pain is only the messenger. It is the language with which your eternal soul speaks to the one-time person that you are. The free spirit within you doesn’t need to speak. When you wake up, find the pinecone apothecary. He’ll prepare your remedy.”
The Land of the Mosaic
A man’s bare feet passed by my face and walked towards the light. I was lying on my stomach, my head turned to the right, placed over my left hand. A woman’s bare feet passed by my face, coming from the direction of the light and walked towards an opening in front of me. She walked away with her back to me and disappeared into a dark corridor. The sound of birds chirping and water trickling could be heard in the distance. I closed my eyes. Opened them. Her feet were in front of me again. She leaned down, placed a plate of berries and a glass of water by my side, and continued on towards the light. My lips were dry, my neck hurt, slight pangs bothered me where my left wrist had gone numb. I raised my head. A small circle of saliva on a thin mattress and a little bit on my hand. Tried to pull my hand over and it came across a wall which was right against my head. Felt like a polished wooden board. I moved my hand a bit further, my elbow came up against a wall on my left.
“Good morning.”
I turned around in a panic and pressed myself against the wall behind me, “Where am I?!” I sat up and looked around. I was in a corner of a wooden hut, on a mattress. A woman was standing in front of me by the edge of the mattress, smiling at me. Large green eyes. “What is this? Where am I?!” She didn’t answer and continued smiling, nodding and pointing towards the plate of berries and the glass of water. To my left, in the corner parallel to mine, there was a doorway entrance to a dark corridor. A few feet behind the woman, between the hut’s side walls, everything was open, there was no wall. The hut’s dark brown wooden floorboards connected to a large and fully lit balcony. A man was walking towards us from that direction.
“You were in a deep sleep.”
“I don’t believe this!” I almost jumped off the mattress, it was the man with the stick and the pinecone, the one from the parking lot by the pharmacy. He was shirtless, barefoot, wearing short pants. His hair was cut short and he had a receding hairline on both sides of his forehead. His face was tanned.
“How are you feeling?” he stood next to the woman.
“Who are you? Where am I?!”
“You’re in the Valley of Abandoned Issues, in the Land of the Mosaic. I came to your call.”
“My call?” I called to him, but he’d already walked over to the opening on the left and was swallowed within the dark corridor. “Where is he going, why won’t he answer me?”
“You’re in the Valley of Abandoned Issues,” the woman sat next to me, “I’m Tipegg, and you’ve already met Kelemance.”
“The valley of what?”
“In the Land of the Mosaic, Kelemance is your Challenge Bearer.”
“My what bearer?”
She handed me the glass of water, “Drink a little.”
I drank it all in one gulp and placed the glass between us, “This is a type of sanatorium, right? And Alex told you not to tell me until she gets here?”
“No,” she laughed and offers her hand, “Pleased to meet you, I’m Tipegg.”
Her hand remained hanging in mid-air. “Julian,” I gave her a handshake. “So what is this place, Tipegg? And how did I get here?”
“Slowly, Julian,” she added her other hand, enveloping my hand with both her palms, “Everyone who comes here from faraway lands, like yourself, immediately wants to understand all the things in the Land of the Mosaic that we ourselves are busy experiencing,” she continued, almost whispering, “Always wants to know about all the things in the Land of the Mosaic that we prefer to feel.”
“What’s going on here? Tell me frankly, have I gone crazy?”
She laughed again. “Eat something, Julian,” she put the plate of berries closer to me. “Kelemance will come to get you soon, he’ll answer all of your questions. Excuse me for a moment, I want to check with him that everything’s ready before you leave.” She got up and went through the opening to my left.
Come to get you? Before you leave? What was happening to me? Have I lost my mind? Julian, you’re either dreaming or hallucinating. I closed my eyes, opened them. Nothing. Still there, in the wooden hut. I didn’t have my shoes on, but I was still wearing the clothes I had on when I left home for the job interview. They were a little bit dirty, but otherwise I couldn’t see or feel anything unusual about me. I stretched myself. Nothing was aching. I looked at the lit balcony. Through the big opening, I could see green trees on the horizon which were slowly moving with the wind. The sound of running water could be heard from outside. The sunshine spread light across the wooden floorboards almost up to the mattress, continuing along the side walls. To my left, in the corner parallel to mine, there was a passageway into the corridor where they both disappeared, and to my right, on the center of the wall, there was a little framed poster with writing which I couldn’t read from where I was sitting.
The man emerged from the corridor back into the room, “Nice to meet you, I’m Kelemance,” he said and reached out his open hands to me. I looked him up and down. “It’s alright, you have nothing to worry about,” he added.
He helped me up. “Nice to meet you, I’m Julian,” I nodded at him and fixed my pants and my buttoned shirt. “I understand that we’re leaving, where to?”
“Come and see.” We went out to the balcony. “This is the river that flows through the Valley of Abandoned Issues.” The water ran through smooth and shiny rocks which stuck out in the middle of a wide river, a flock of birds emerged from the treetops beneath the blue sky. “We’ll sail with the current. I’ll take you through the Land of the Mosaic until you reach the pinecone apothecary, and he’ll prepare your remedy.”
“Kelemance, I have no idea where I am, who you are, how I got here. And to be honest, I have a lot on my mind at the moment, I have a wife and a baby waiting for me, maybe we can do this some other time, what do you say? Take me bac
k home and we’ll re-schedule for another time?”
“I’m sorry, Julian, I can’t take you back home, you’re the only one who can do that.” He walked over to the balcony rail. “If you decide to go back now, the pain will never cease, it’ll just transform,” he pointed and looked at my chest. “It won’t receive any treatment or answers in the land from which you came, and I won’t be able to help you.”
I placed my right hand on my chest and felt it. I remembered the pain all too well. “But nothing hurts now.”
“I’ll be down there,” he said, grabbed the rail with both hands and leaped gracefully over it. Water splashed and a few drops landed near me. I got closer to the rail and looked at him. He steadied himself in the water, which reached his waist, and walked over to a little wooden boat tied to one of the long posts supporting the balcony, their bottom part in the water. He pulled out a long stick which protruded beyond the bow of the boat. Oh, there it was again, the stick. Kelemance climbed onto the riverbank, put the stick down and lifted a few black bags which were there, took them over and tied them behind the bench at the back of the boat. Then he dived under the boat, came out the other side and tightened the knots.
“You haven’t touched the berries,” Tipegg appeared behind me holding a shirt and folded pants as well as the plate of berries. “Eat a little. And here’s a change of clothes,” she stood next to me.
“Thank you. I’m just not hungry yet. I’ve been uneasy since the moment I woke up, and what? We’re going to need a change of clothes? How long is this trip going to take?”
“This is how it always is. The uncertainty which exists before setting sail is confusing. But whenever you’re somewhere which doesn’t have a beginning or an end, you’re allowed to think about the unfathomable without fearing that which is unknown.”
I didn’t quite understand what she said, but her voice carried a convincing, even calming tone. I took the clothes and stared at the water.
“Look,” she walked back in, indicated for me to follow her and pointed at the writing in the frame.
Every person has a single unique pinecone in the Land of the Mosaic, which contains that person’s eternity of existence. Among the seeds of potential within it, lies man’s inner truth of himself.
“And what does that mean?” I asked.
“Allow Kelemance to accompany you on your journey,” she ignored my question. “He is your Challenge Bearer. You called him for a reason. There’s no reason for the pain to appear in your life again. Kelemance will stay by your side for as long as it takes you to get to the pinecone apothecary.” Her eyes softened me, they seemed sincere. She placed the plate of berries by the mattress and lifted a pile of folded fabric sheets. “The pinecone apothecary helps all the people who arrive at the Land of the Mosaic from faraway places. First, you’ll have to travel down the river which flows through the Valley of Abandoned Issues.” She went back out to stand by the balcony rail and I followed her. Kelemance was still busy preparing the boat.
“So what should I do now?” I shouted to him. He squinted at me through sun soaked eyes and raised his right hand to his forehead, but didn’t answer me. He walked through the water to a ladder which was right by the furthest pillar to the right, climbed up and came near me, he was drenched. Tipegg handed him a towel and dry clothes from the pile she was holding. She gave him the rest of the pile, hugged me - I didn’t understand why - and went back inside.
“Get on the boat with me, and stay on it until we pass the wind’s meeting point with the river’s current.” He dried himself off and then placed the towel on the rail.
“Alex must be worried about me,” I mumbled, “And I won’t be coming home tonight, how will she manage alone with Tom?”
“She believes in you, and she loves you even more for having decided to go to the apothecary on your own, to return to her as a stronger person. She knows you didn’t have a choice. The main woman in your life isn’t at the center of your life, she’s the source of inspiration for it.”
“How do you know Alex?”
“I don’t,” he took my change of clothes from me.
“And where are my shoes?” I looked back at the room.
“In the boat. You don’t need anything more than what you already have, come on,” he directed me to the ladder, “After you.”
I climbed down the ladder into the water. It was cold and went straight through to my underwear. I walked carefully on the little pebbles beneath me, and after a moment I stopped and stood still, to get used to the temperature. I took off my shirt and draped it over my shoulder. I splashed water on my face and head. Kelemance walked past me, put the clothes and the pile in the boat and climbed onto it with ease. I stepped forward, threw my shirt into the boat, tried to climb and he grabbed my arm and pulled me into it. He laughed and released the rope from the pillar, rolled it up and threw it into the boat. He took the long stick which was placed on the bags and pushed it against the ground to get to the center of the river. The boat started going with the current and he straightened it into the stream.
For a good few moments Kelemance used the stick to sail his little wooden boat, and then he took the stick out of the water, turned and faced me. He stood firmly at the front of the boat, almost on the bow, held the stick with both hands and balanced himself with his back to the direction of the drift. His bare feet were supported by the boat’s sides and he occasionally turned his head back to make sure we weren’t veering off course.
“Kelemance, how did you find me?” I put my shirt on and folded my sleeves over my elbows.
“I didn’t find you, Julian, you found me.”
“I don’t really remember. But if you say so… What did you say you were?”
“Your Challenge Bearer.”
“Is that your role here?” I asked, “Do you get paid for it? Did you study it? Is it your profession?”
He smiled, “I don’t have a role, I’m here to accompany you on your way to the pinecone apothecary.” He looked back for a moment and then turned to face me again, “In the Land of the Mosaic, the only people with professions, with degrees and money, are the ones who came from faraway places.”
“From faraway places?”
“Faraway lands, like you.”
“Then why did they come here, of all places?”
“They came to the Land of the Mosaic just like you did. They heeded the pain in their land and called unto their Challenge Bearers. But they decided to get off the boat on their way, and then they got lost.”
“Kelemance, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He didn’t react. I tried to look calm, but it was only yesterday that I was at a job interview and everything had seemed somehow sane and realistic, and now I was facing this bizarre man, sailing on a boat with him through some river in the middle of nowhere. “Who got lost, and on the way to where?” I continued.
“The people who came here from faraway lands, like yourself, and didn’t continue sailing through the Valley of Abandoned Issues, didn’t reach the pinecone apothecary. After they got off the boat, they travelled around the Land of the Mosaic. They tried to find things that were said to exist, though others before them hadn’t found them. They brought along a habit that they didn’t manage to get rid of or didn’t want to release. Everyone searches for happiness, promising each other it exists, but no one finds it.”
“Wait, if they came here the same way that I did, then can they go back to where they came from whenever they’d like?”
“Yes.”
“Then why don’t they go back?”
“Because they’re afraid of the pain that exists in confronting the truth they’ve discovered about themselves. They started a community of lost people. I guess that being lost among the lost gives these people a sense of belonging.”
“How do you know all this?”
“I go by ther
e every once in a while. With time I discovered that if you show them that their noble causes on the path to happiness are important for you too, then they let you in and embrace you, and then they do everything they can to convince you to stay, to try and find a role for you within their community.”
“Show them? What do you mean, what do you show them?”
“Profession, status, degrees, money – things like that.”
“Do you know the people there?”
“Not all of them. I know some.” He looked back towards the direction of the drift for a few long moments, and then turned back to face me. “Everybody there talks to me in the same manner about the same things but none of them actually tell me anything. In the Land of the Mosaic, the search for happiness is the foundation for depression. The people there live on the most beautiful riverbank, at the foot of the tallest mountain, but all they care about are objects, gossip, voyeurism, and entertainment which helps them fall asleep.”
His words awakened my curiosity. If there were others like me here I’d like to know more about them, but I didn’t want to pester him too much. Maybe he wanted silence? I tried not to look at him and to just focus on the riverbanks and enjoy the sail. The water was clear and I could see silver fish of all sizes swimming around the boat. The sound of the stream quietened me. There were tall green trees growing there, with thick trunks and branches which hugged the nearby vegetation, red flowers popped out from between bushes, birds had nested on the treetops and some were flying up above us. Occasionally a deer would appear, stare at us with big wide eyes, and continue along its way. My nose picked up the scent of moist earth, and with that my lungs were filled with clean air.