by Kelli Walker
My mother wasn’t giving up. “Lunch? Come on, Harley. I know this boy was the big one - every girl has that one boy who stomped their heart into the dust, but sweetie, it’s been years. Lunch isn’t exactly a proposal. Are you even sure he meant it as a date?”
I rolled my eyes and turned my head lazily toward Elle for help. She wasn’t having it.
“Don’t look at me, little miss love potion. I’m on her side.”
My mom looked smug as can be. “Thank you, Eleanor. Well, Harley?”
I wearily mumbled into my arms, making the most basic motions running to my own defense while still maintaining my survival-mode state of apathy.
“Yes, I’m about ninety percent sure lunch had a connotation of romantic intent, at least to get to know each other again and… I don’t know… see if we’re still compatible or something. Number one, he asked if he could pick me up. Nobody does that unless they are more interested in something other than eating. Number two, he said, ‘take me’ to lunch, not, ‘meet me.’ And third, the entire conversation before that was him telling me how beautiful I was. I haven’t seen him since we broke up, but apparently, he saw me at Sam and Amy Walter’s wedding half a decade ago. He rattled off exactly what I was wearing that day, and he wasn’t even at the ceremony - he was just driving by - and, just in case you forgot, Ryan has the fashion sense of a football jersey with a pocket protector.”
Before either of them could rebuttal, I jumped on Elle’s case. “And you, Eleanor. You were the one who said I had to move forward with my love life. Or are you just mad that you can’t complete the set of all three brothers?”
My mother’s eyes bulged as she turned to Elle, shocked, but Eleanor was quick to bite back.
“Okay, first of all, that was a joke. Second of all, when I told you to make some changes in your love life… I didn’t mean to go backward. And, by the way, if I was going to make a move on Ryan - which I am not going to do, Mrs. Andrews, I do have some self-respect - I at least would have the decency to wait until he’s finished picking out his mother’s tombstone!”
I shook my head dismissively but then reconsidered. I raised my brow from the table and tossed up my hands in a shrug of accusation. “Wait, neither of you are making any sense. You did hear me when I said that I told him no, right? He approached me! So, I have no plans to meet with him again. For all I know, he’s already on his way back to New York.”
“He isn’t going back to New York.”
I put my head back down, seeing Eleanor’s statement as evidence of my not knowing and therefore proving my point. Something about the way she phrased the sentence, though, rings in my ears.
“Wait, what do you mean? Are you just saying that he hasn’t left town yet? Or…”
The other option was too ridiculous for me to even say out loud. To my surprise, Elle suggested that however absurd, it was actually true. “All Andy said was that he wasn’t heading back East, that Ryan was going to stay for a while. I’d love to share more, but I’ve barely spoken to Andy, seeing as I wanted to give him a little space… considering he is still processing the passing of his dear, departed mother.”
I ignored her jab, instead, trying to unravel the unclear implications behind the news. Unable to reach a conclusion, Elle had enough time to take another swing at me. “For someone who claims they aren’t interested, you sure do seem intrigued by Ryan’s whereabouts… Not to mention the fact that you already admitted to kissing him.”
“For the last time, IT WAS ON THE CHEEK. Christ Eleanor, you’re acting like I dragged him into the church storage room and forced him into a quickie. Sorry, Mom.”
“Harley Marie!”
“Oh please, can we not pretend, today of all days, that abstinence is some kind of virtue? You grew up in the sixties and seventies, Mom. Spare me your pedestal of piety.”
Before my mother could even attempt a comeback, Elle managed to put me on the spot with a more thoughtful question.
“You didn’t answer the question, Harley. Are you really going to pretend that you aren’t interested in getting back together with Ryan?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words emerged.
“Hmmm. Take your time, Harley. We’ll wait.”
I did take my time before answering, but not because I was instructed to do so. I waited before answering because I needed the time to determine the safest position to defend myself from.
“I can’t answer that. It would be naive either way. I don’t know Ryan anymore. It’s been years. I’m certainly a different person than I was back then. It would be immature for me to arbitrarily decide anything without more information.”
Both women responded at the same time, overlapping each other in equally shrill backlashes and thereby preventing me from understanding either one of them. “I’m sorry, what?”
Eleanor deferred, and my mother repeated herself first. “You haven’t changed in any way, Harley. You are the exact same person that you were back then.”
Elle took the reins, adding insult to injury. “So… you want to get to know each other better before you’d be able to decide? Kind of like a… date? Say… over lunch?”
The table fell silent, and all hostility dissolved as it became clear to all of us that I was soundly defeated, even if I hadn’t done anything wrong. I buried my red face in my hands, wanting nothing more than to start drinking, roll over and die, or, preferably, both. I quickly realized my insensitivity and, instead, switched my point of view to one idolizing a simpler life, surrendering to a convent for reeducation.
“As I told Ryan: it isn’t a good idea.”
It took a few moments, but, finally, a voice responded to my claim. All three of our heads turned to the doorway as my father’s words entered into the conversation.
“How do you know? How do you know it isn’t the best idea? You said it yourself; you don’t know.”
My mother was aghast at first, but, to my surprise, she actually joined his side.
“Roger? How on earth can you say that after what he did to her?”
“Because, Melissa, he already broke her heart once. Harley, I know that you’re scared. You have every right to be. But this is a simple choice. Even if the worst-case scenario happens and the exact same thing happens to you again… would it really be that much worse than how it’s been for you the past few years? You're my daughter. I love you, and I only want what’s best for you. That starts with you being happy, and, honey, you haven’t been happy since he left you. If you still love him and your choice is between accepting the pain you feel now or taking a risk to make things right… I think that’s worth lunch, whether it’s a date or not. Don’t you?”
I looked up at my dad, tears blurring my eyes and running down my cheeks. He smiled sweetly but frowned with confusion as I shook my head. I tried to speak, but my words croaked with emotion in my throat.
“No, Dad. It isn’t worth it. Nothing is worth having to do this all over again.”
Eleanor sighed and took up his cause. “Your dad’s right, Harley. Just go to lunch with him. Even if nothing comes out of it, maybe it’ll give you the closure that you need.”
My mother agreed, and I realized that I was indeed outnumbered, but still, I wouldn’t budge. “You already admitted to still being in love with him, honey. If you still love him after what he did… seven years later… won’t you still love him if you refuse to give him another chance?”
“Mom, he doesn’t deserve another chance.”
My dad jumped in again, trying to show me the truth. “He might not deserve another chance, Harley, but you do.”
Ryan
“I can’t believe you two are still drinking this weak piss-water. Remind me to run into town and get us a decent case of beer.”
“Ooh, you hear that, Hollis? He has changed! Everybody kept saying it, but I refused to believe the rumors. Hell, Dad practically got it signed into law. ‘Don’t trust your brother, Ryan. He isn’t one of us anymore.’ Now I know they we
re right, all along.”
Andy laughed as Hollis took up the torch. “Alas! Our big brother’s gone soft and thinks he’s too sophisticated for our simple ways. Quick! Somebody come powder his ass and fetch him a proper beverage. Alert the concierge, or whatever. Hurry, before he leaves us a bad review!”
My brothers laughed loudly and mercilessly at my expense, rolling back against their hay bales in joyful torment.
“Oh, knock it off. You know what I mean. You’d have to drink thirty of these and stop to take a leak five times before even getting a buzz on. Why not sneak a bottle of the old man’s whiskey out here like the good ole days?”
“It’s ten in the morning, Ryan. Jesus, we’ll be waisted and pass out before the sun even starts to go down. You gotta remember how to pace yourself. Andy, I think we might have to re-indoctrinate our eldest brother on how to survive out here in the boonies.”
“You see, Ryan, yes, it takes a while to get that first bit of inebriation under your belt, but once you’re there, you can keep on drinking at the same pace, and that buzz’ll stick around all day.”
“We ain’t kids anymore, Ryan. At our age, if you’re waking up just to pass out again, you aren’t having fun; you have a problem. But, our way, you can function just fine all day long, but just make the experience a little more bearable. Then, at the end of the night, you can pile on as much booze as you want, be it bourbon, vodka, tequila, gin… Hell, you can even keep your fancy pants martinis with the little umbrella.”
I gulped another can empty, despite my complaint. Fetching another cold one from a cooler on the barn floor between us, I wagged a finger at my younger siblings and reversed their initial insult.
“Ohhhh, and here I thought you were telling me that I’ve changed and that I’ve grown soft. You boys just admitted to not being able to hold your liquor! Hollis, you’re what, twenty-four? Andy - let’s see - I was six when you were born, so you’re… twenty?! Wait… We let you drink with us when you were fourteen?”
I looked at Hollis, who simply shrugged. I turned back to Andy, who maintained an alarming aura of pride. “You forget, Ryan, I was fourteen when you were in college. I started drinking with you two fools when you were still in high school. But yeah, go ahead, big brother. Keep on encouraging me to shoot high-proof spirits. I’ll remember to pass along that little wisdom to your young ones when they turn ten years old.”
I spat a swallow of beer and wiped the dribbled foam from my chin in a rush. “Ten? Oh, no.”
“That’s right, Ryan. You remember what you two gave me as a gift for reaching double digits? Mhmmm, you remember now, don’t you? See, you’re lucky we like you, Ryan. If we didn’t, we could’ve called a press conference when you ran off to fix the world. I’m sure everyone would still lovvvve your perfect little company once we told them how you gave me a bottle of malt liquor before I could even ride a bike.”
Ashamed but incapable of reversing past foolishness, I cackled with laughter as I reminisced with them. “And… When Mom found you puking your guts out in her garden the next morning… We had to convince her you wanted to try sushi for your birthday and that you got food poisoning from the raw fish!”
Hollis chimed in. “Remember? She went berserk. Mom called the health department… She cussed out the restaurant owner… Wait. Was that… Was that why that place shut down?”
We howled with laughter as none of us could deny the possibility.
As our whoops of hilarity drew out into more controlled chuckles and sighs of forgotten memories, a sobering thought crossed my mind.
“You two were always here for her. I wasn’t. And now there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“What, did you cure cancer while you were off creating a billion-dollar company from nothing? If that’s the case, then yeah, you’re an asshole, Ryan. If not, shut the hell up.”
“Yeah, Jesus, Ryan. Why didn’t you perform a medical miracle? You let our mother die for fun? That’s fucked up, man.”
I remained silent, not buying their banter as genuine representations of how they felt. Hollis realized that the jokes weren’t fixing my assessment, so he offered a different kind of consolation.
“She was proud of you, Ryan. Do you think it’s any different for the mothers of guys who become pro-athletes? Or rock gods? You were her superstar, brother. Dad’s proud of you, too; he just has to wake up every day and sit on a tractor while you’re driving around in supercars and rubbing elbows with the people he only sees on TV.”
Andy added in his own piece. “Think of it this way: Do you think Mary was like, ‘Jesus, you ungrateful son-of-a-virgin, how dare you not visit me?’ No, I’m pretty sure she’d be like, ‘Hey, my son saved the world. That’s dope. He gets a pass to skip Easter dinner.’”
I held my hands up, aghast. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. That’s really morbid, incredibly sacrilegious, and in no way even close to the same thing.”
“Okay, fine. Forget what Andy said. Could you have done what you’ve done with your company without Mom?”
“No, of course not. I wouldn’t exist without her.”
“Exactly. More than that, everything that makes you great at what you do stems somewhere from how she raised you. So, in a way, she’s more responsible for your success than you are. Andy and I might still be living out here in the middle of nowheresville, but we aren’t idiots. We know how important your company is. You’re changing the world - for the better, from what it looks like. If you’re wishing you hadn’t gone to New York and done everything you did just so we could all end up right here in the same position after Mom died, then you’re just being selfish.”
“How the hell is that selfish, Hollis?”
“Because you aren’t just giving up something for yourself, you’re giving it up for other people, too. If you stayed here, you’d be wasting all that time and effort Mom put in raising you to be who you are. Not only is it pointless since you can’t go back, it’s actually a little insulting to her memory.”
I sat silently with my brow furrowed, thinking his words over. “I still could’ve done more. I could’ve called. I could’ve visited.”
“Well, in case you didn’t hear, Mom and Dad used all of their savings paying off her medical bills from the last go around with the cancer. When she got sick again, we had no idea how we were going to take care of anything. Low and behold, some mysterious benefactor dropped checks everywhere from the car company to the hospital and the gravedigger. Dad didn’t have to pay a cent. I wonder who could’ve been behind that.”
They stared at me, not wondering at all. “What was I supposed to do? Nothing? I knew it would be a big thing if I tried to give it to Dad, so I just… you know. But that doesn’t change anything. Money isn’t the same as time.”
Andy crumpled his empty can and threw it into the barn loft window above, having enough of Ryan’s self-pity. “Christ, Ryan, you’re not hearing him. She was glad you were gone. Mom wasn’t sitting around, staring at the phone, waiting for you to show up for dinner. Nobody wants the rockstar to come home and start teaching piano to blind kids. It’s a disservice. Not to say that blind kids don’t deserve a decent piano teacher, but it doesn’t have to be at the expense of something that’s going to make the world better. She’s gone. It sucks. It isn’t your fault, and you did nothing wrong. If you want to talk about someone who stared at the phone waiting for you to call, let’s talk about Harley. At least with that conversation, there’s something you can do about it.”
Hollis sipped his beer and eyed me with interest. Andy was far more up in arms, but I didn’t have much of a response for either of them.
“We’ve been over this before. I did Harley a favor. I did both of us a favor. How is this any different than Mom?”
Hollis hung his head and got up from his stack of hay, grabbing another beer and handing one to me as well. Andy made a sound like a horse, apparently incapable of believing I could think something so foolish.
“First of all, your accomplishmen
ts were Mom’s accomplishments. You can’t say the same for Harley because it was your job to share them with her. Second of all, Mom wasn’t going with you no matter what you did. You have no way of knowing you were right about you and Harley being incapable of making things work. Honestly, you’re an idiot if you think she wouldn’t have followed you wherever you asked her to.”
I tried to cut in and argue, but Hollis overrode me. “Third, and most importantly, Ryan, all the evidence suggests that you weren’t right. In fact, you were wrong. You didn’t save either one of you from wasting time, pointlessly. You did the exact opposite. Neither one of you moved on to something better. You both stayed right where you were, incapable of being happy because you’re still in love with each other. You fucked up, but based on what I saw at the viewing, you can still make it right. You should ask her out. Harley is the same girl you knew and loved. And she loved you back when you probably kissed like a goldfish. I’d say she’d be perfectly fine with taking you back, now that you’re a billionaire and all.”
Once again, I was prevented from speaking as Andy stood, ready to release a tirade.
“Are you kidding me? Haven’t you hurt that poor girl enough for one lifetime? Sure, she still loves you, but she’s not a kid anymore. She’s a grown woman with a life. What’re you going to do, say, ‘Sorry, Harley. I know I broke your heart ten years ago, but now that I’ve got my head out of my ass, I’d like to take you away from your job, away from your friends, away from your parents, and drop you off at my condo while I spend twenty hours a day slaving away for more money. I’m sorry, Ryan, I know there’s more to your motives than that, but I don’t see how you even have room in your life for any kind of relationship. Unless you make some other kind of change, I say you leave Harley the hell alone.”