Love, Laughter & Happily Ever After: A sweet romantic comedy collection

by Ellie Hall

  I went to go find the bingo cage and put it on the arm of the couch before returning to studying. Rob would be home any minute, and his new hobby was going to make me lose my mind. I had to find a way to talk him out of the concert thing he wanted to do next weekend.

  3

  Melissa

  Like clockwork, I got two letters from Damien in the mail on Monday, with no return address. This time, they were postmarked from Louisiana. I wasn’t sure how Damien managed to change up the postmarks every time, or why he bothered to go to all that trouble.

  Did he think I was so stupid that I still believed he was in the witness protection program? I sighed. Yes, yes he did. The fact that I’d once been that gullible filled me with the same deep embarrassment it always did. His lie was now my lie. Because I’d told people. Because his fiery, yet deeply loyal granny still believed it.

  That was why, after coming home from work to feed, love on, and walk Damien’s dogs—no, my dogs now—I took the letters and drove over to the retirement home where Granny lived. We had three hours before visiting time was over, and she’d want to make the most of it.

  Sure enough, Granny was all dressed up and waiting for me in the foyer when I arrived. She had her sunglasses on and a flowery scarf around her head to protect her new hairdo. She never missed Makeover Mondays, and today must have been no exception. With her fire-engine-red lipstick and newly blonde hair, she looked sassier than ever.

  I gave the security guard at the front desk a little salute and held open the door for Granny, who was always in a hurry, with only a walker and stiff legs to hold her back from whatever it was she’d set her mind to.

  “Did Damien write?” she asked, glancing around as if we might be overheard.

  “He did. I’ll give you the letter in the car. But right now, we have more important things to deal with.”

  “Oh.” Granny’s eyebrows raised, her interest piqued.

  Technically, I wasn’t even supposed to take Granny out of the retirement home at all, and I’d almost been arrested the first time I did it. They let me go after a long discussion with both the police and the staff of the retirement home. I was her only visitor, and Granny needed adventure, and mystery, and family ties. I could provide all those things safely. So, as long as I had her back by eight p.m. nobody bothered us about pesky things like felony endangerment and kidnapping anymore.

  I got Granny into the passenger side and folded up her walker, stuffing it into the backseat before getting in on the driver’s side.

  “What’s this about important things?” Granny asked while perusing her letter from Damien. She smiled as she read. He always had such sweet things to say, the louse.

  “An anonymous client has asked us to pick up a package for her and deliver it to a home at this address.” I put a finger to my lips before handing her a folded piece of paper with an address. “We’ll need to make sure we’re not followed,” I whispered.

  Bless Natalya and her willingness to go along with anything I asked, no matter how bizarre. She had prepped the package and left it for us, and if all went as planned, she’d be the mysterious sedan following us from two cars back while we made the delivery.

  I’d learned the hard, embarrassing way that it was better to plan out an adventure than let Granny interrogate people about unsolved crimes she’d read about in the newspaper. Okay, so I’d almost been arrested twice. At least life was never boring with Granny involved. Her grandson, and her son, for that matter, were way missing out.

  “I loved your latest romance novel, Granny,” I said. “You sure you’re not ready to publish?”

  “Don’t push me on this. I want them published anonymously after I die, and the money goes to charity. That’s the deal.”

  “Of course. It’s just, you might have a new fan.” I wasn’t sure why I wanted to bring up Connor so badly. Maybe it was because he was a mystery I couldn’t solve, especially if I was banned from discussing him with the one person qualified to give me information. All Natalya would say was that he deserved to be alone, and I should avoid the man like the plague. I was avoiding him, at least physically. Now if I could just get him out of my thoughts…

  “You let people see my manuscript?” Granny frowned at me before going back to checking the mirrors for tails. I probably shouldn’t encourage her suspicious nature, but she just enjoyed these adventures so much.

  “My new neighbor picked it up and read some. He thought I wrote it.”

  “The neighbor who doesn’t take care of his yard and peered at you through his windows while you moved in? You let that loser in your house?”

  I laughed. Okay, maybe I had talked about Connor before. “My mother let him in. Don’t worry, I kicked him right back out.”

  “After he read my book.” Granny’s eyes narrowed. “And he said he liked it?”

  “He did.” I hid a smile. “Although he didn’t get to read all of it. I could send it over to him, I guess.”

  “Don’t bother.” Granny glanced around. “Are we here? Where’s this package we need to pick up?”

  I pulled into the parking lot of the public library and parked in the northwest corner as Natalya had instructed. Granny didn’t know, but inside the package were comic books, new underwear and socks, and several DVDs of Marvel movies. We were delivering it anonymously to a group home in Phoenix. If Granny thought we were part of a rogue offshoot of the CIA, even better.

  I got out and helped Granny get her walker before we slowly approached the art wall on the north side of the library. Symmetrical lines made up cement squares of all sizes in a pattern that jutted out like a 3D image. Natalya had tucked our cardboard box in one of the squares.

  “Hold on,” Granny barked out as I went to reach for it. She pulled an old Kodak camera out of her big leather purse and began taking pictures of a confused mother walking with her kids nearby, their arms laden with books.

  “That’s right, lady. Keep on walkin’.” Granny moved a shuffle closer to them and took more pictures.

  “Sorry,” I mouthed really big, earning me an irritated and bewildered look from the mom. Thankfully, Granny looked like the least threatening spy ever, and they moved along.

  After that, everything went according to plan. Natalya followed behind us, I used some evasive maneuvers to “ditch” our tail, and the package was successfully delivered to the group home’s doorstep. Crisis averted. We’d saved the world again.

  “I could use a ladies room to freshen up,” Granny declared. She was too much of a lady to ever admit to actually needing a bathroom for its true purpose. So, I drove us back toward my house to kill the last hour before Granny needed to be back for her meds and bedtime. That way, I could cook us dinner, rather than stopping off for the fast food garbage Granny preferred.

  “Is that your good-for-nothing neighbor?” Granny asked, holding up her trusty Kodak when we pulled up.

  Sure enough, it was Connor taking his garbage can back to his side of the duplex. Click. Click. Click. I wondered how many confused faces Granny had captured with that thing. Probably a lot.

  4

  Connor

  Nothing was going to ruin my good mood today. One quarter of my finals were over. Everyone from my study group had shown up last night, and we’d hit the books until nobody could focus on the page and I sent them all home.

  Dental school had been a long, grueling slog of exams that came in never-ending waves. I’d been memorizing and cramming so many facts into my brain for so long, I couldn’t remember life before it. Not to mention the lab work and clinicals. Year four had been as brutal as everyone said it would be, but it was almost over, and I was not about to fail my final exams.

  I did well today, and I’d do well tomorrow, and by this weekend, all I’d have to worry about was picking which dental practice to join up with so I could start paying off my student loans.

  That was why I smiled at the wrinkled prune who stared me down while snapping pictures of me from the passenger seat of
Melissa’s car.

  Would Melissa get out and approach me? The two times I’d seen her since her birthday party had been brief and one-sided. Basically, I waved, and she pretended not to see me.

  It would be a little bit harder to keep up her avoidance right now, considering the company she was keeping.

  “Young man, you get over here,” the lady called out.

  Oh yeah, there was no avoiding me now. Melissa knew it. She was chewing on that gorgeous bottom lip of hers like it tasted good. I bet it did. I loved her wild curls, and her curves, and her innocent brown eyes that had filled with fire when she spotted me reading in her arm chair. I had a hunch it was her favorite spot in her whole house.

  Yeah, Melissa was off-limits, but Natalya wasn’t here, my roommate, Rob, wasn’t here, and didn’t I deserve a little bonus for all my hard work today? Besides, I’d been summoned.

  I went to take the walker out of Melissa’s hands once I realized what she was doing and why her companion hadn’t gotten out of the car yet.

  Melissa pulled the walker closer. “I got it. I know how it unlocks.”

  “Okay.” I held my hands up in surrender.

  “Is this Granny?” I asked.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know.” The woman slowly stood when Melissa placed the walker in front of her and then she pointed a long, bony finger at me. “Are you the young man who didn’t help Melissa move in? She saw you watching through the window. What are all those muscles for if you can’t lift anything with them?”

  “Granny,” Melissa murmured, turning red.

  She wasn’t any redder than I was. I ducked my head. “I’m sorry. I had to study that day.”

  “Hmph.” Granny waved me aside and slowly made her way towards the door off the carport. “Are you going to do anything about this yard, or were you too busy studying to notice how terrible it is?”

  My good day was losing its goodness fast. In less than a minute, this woman had managed to poke holes in places I couldn’t defend like she was a high-powered prosecutor taking down a defense witness.

  “The yard was like this when I bought it.” It sounded weak to my own ears, but it was all I had. Putting in a yard was expensive and time-consuming. So, I just hadn’t done it.

  “And when was that?”

  “Last year. Well, it was nice to meet you. I’ll see you two later.”

  “Going so soon?” Granny cackled. “That’s good because Melissa here isn’t single, and I know that’s the only reason you came over with that hopeful look in your eye. She’s engaged to my grandson. He’s a hero, you know. He witnessed a robbery and had to go into hiding.”

  “Into the witness protection program?” I asked, goosebumps raising up all over my arms.

  Melissa’s chin raised a little at my mocking tone. “Yes.”

  Oh, this was bad. I’d read the situation all wrong. The fiancé wasn’t Natalya’s jealous lie, but Melissa’s own ghosting story. I was suddenly seeing Melissa in a whole new light, one not nearly as flattering. Warning signs were going up everywhere. Melissa had been ghosted by a desperate, desperate man. He’d wanted away from her badly enough to ditch his own grandmother.

  I knew first-hand what that kind of desperation felt like. I had never known someone so wholly tone-deaf to the word ‘no’ as Natalya. At first, needing space had been a matter of not failing out of year two of dental school. But then, I’d needed space because the more I pulled away, the harder she held on. She was jealous of every woman who talked to me. We had the ‘I’m-breaking-up-with-you’ talk four times, and it never stuck. I finally told her I was moving and never coming back. I blocked her number and swapped apartments with a friend for the semester. I stopped going to the same place for coffee. I changed my pharmacy and grocery store.

  Three weeks later, she pulled up behind me in the drive-thru at Taco Bell. I’d been betrayed by my need for tacos and the person ahead of me who couldn’t decide what to order.

  Natalya had left her car and stalked over to mine. “Visiting Arizona again, Connor?”

  I was too tired to lie. Too tired and too hungry. “I just want a hard taco supreme, Nat. Okay, actually, I want four of them. And I want extra mild sauce to take home. It’s good on burritos.”

  She’d blinked at me and then her face turned tomato red and angry. “I never want to see you again, Connor Harwood.”

  “Fine by me.”

  Those were our last words to each other. Until Melissa’s birthday party—the one thrown by Melissa’s mom. Another red flag I’d almost ignored.

  Maybe being a bad neighbor was exactly what this situation called for. Being un-neighborly had saved me from another clingy relationship. What a relief.

  “You called it, Granny. I’m no catch. I don’t volunteer to move stuff if I can help it, and I don’t care about my yard. There’s no H.O.A. here, so it makes no difference to me.” I gave them a salute and jogged back to my house.

  The sad thing was, I’d totally been planning to put in a yard as a graduation present to myself. I’d even talked my brother and sister into coming to help once they were on summer break. Now it would look like I did it all out of guilt. Whatever. That would be even better. Another reason for Melissa Cooke and her granny to look down on me. I’d make sure they had lots of reasons.

  5

  Melissa

  I stepped out of the shower on Saturday night and dried off on autopilot. I’d been in a funk for days. My mind kept going over and over Granny chewing out Connor and the way he’d looked at me when Granny told him about Damien.

  There were two types of people in this world, I’d decided. And I could sort them out based on the way they reacted to my fiancé’s story.

  Trusting, good-hearted people immediately sympathized with my plight. People like my parents, who I could tell were quietly concerned, but supportive. People like Natalya. She’d cried with me, taken on helping with Granny, and had even taught Buster and Sarge to not pee on everything and to sit and stay.

  And then there were people like Connor. He had seen the truth right away, because he was cynical, and pessimistic, and understood what was wrong with men. It was because of his criminal nature, I was sure. There had to be a sinister reason for all the cars coming and going from Connor’s house. Scalping tickets? Drugs? Selling organs? My mind was going wild with possible answers. Then there was the fact that I’d never seen Connor’s roommate. As far as I could tell, the guy came and went at odd hours. They were both probably doing weird illegal things. Good. I’d make them move far, far away.

  I yawned. Tomorrow, I’d do some investigating. The real kind, not the fake investigating I did with Granny. Buster was waiting for me when I climbed into bed in my most comfortable pajamas. I turned off the lamp and rolled over, hugging him closer as I tried to fall asleep. It wasn’t sad to go to bed at nine o’clock on a Saturday night. It was sensible. Connor was the sad one, even though I could hear what sounded like a party going on next door. It was probably a drug dealer party. I wondered if the other drug dealers were as good-looking as Connor, and that was the last thought I remembered having before shooting up out of bed with a start.

  Buster was awake too. He cocked his ears and gave a little whine. Was that? Yes, it was the sound of bongo drums coming through the wall. Bongo drums! How did I know? We did a six-week unit on them in music class in the sixth grade. We watched videos of people playing the bongo drums. We made home-made bongo drums out of oatmeal containers. If you were really, really good in class, you could get a turn on the real things. Then my brother wanted a set, and because it was Christmastime, and my parents were out of their minds, they bought him one. Even at age twelve, it had been bongo overkill, and ever since then, when I got really stressed, the bongos would play in my head.

  But this was no anxiety-induced illusion. It was right next door. I threw off the covers and slid into my slippers, not really sure what I planned to do, but knowing I couldn’t listen to that racket all night. Maybe Connor was doing it o
n purpose. Maybe he had mined my background to find the exact thing that would torture me because Granny had been mean to him. Newsflash: Granny was mean to everyone, except me.

  Buster followed me, so I picked up the little guy and warned him to let me do all the talking. Sarge was still passed out on the floor. As guard dogs, these two failed.

  I channeled all my bad thoughts about Connor into determination as I marched over there, starting with the memory of him watching us empty the U-Haul and not daring to step outside. He had probably been afraid someone might get ideas about him being friendly, or decent, or assume his nicely-built body could have real-world use. Jerk. Gym rat. Hot loser.

  I knocked firmly and waited. The drums continued, but I heard someone shushing someone else, and then the door opened.

  It was Connor, of course. He leaned on the door frame, casually taking me in, and then cocked his head. “Can I help you?” No remorse. No regret. He was happy I was annoyed. Happy, happy, happy.

  Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, dum, dum went the drums behind him. Between my rising anger and the ceaseless rhythm, my brain conveniently dropped everything I’d planned to say. I stared past Connor at the blond guy sitting in front of the bongos in a wife-beater tank top. His face was the picture of bliss, like he could drum forever in his own personal heaven. He had a microphone trained on the drums. That’s why the sound had pulsed through the wall like they were right next to me. A few people sat around him on folding chairs, bobbing their heads along. I needed to pack up and move immediately before this weird vibe infected my side of the structure. No, they needed to move I reminded myself, and take their drums and stupidity with them.