Home Is Where You Are

by Melissa Grace

  “But… why?” The reasons he’d seemed so uncomfortable earlier, when Cash mentioned him writing, began to come into focus.

  “I haven’t told anybody about this yet, but it started after Carrie passed away.”

  “I’m sorry, Jax,” I said softly. “A loss like that would make it difficult for anyone to write.”

  “Well, it’s not only because of Carrie.” He chewed his lip thoughtfully. “I told you last night that I lived in the foster care system. My mom signed me over to the state. She didn’t even put up a fight, Liv. She disappeared, and I’ve spent the better part of my life being angry and bitter. After Carrie got sick and found out she didn’t have long left to live, we spent a lot of time talking. We talked about life and how fucking unfair it all is. All Carrie and Cash ever wanted was a family, but Carrie got sick, and that was no longer a possibility. It made me angry that two people so deserving of love, so deserving of every dream to come true, were being denied the chance, you know? Meanwhile, my mom chose drugs over her own damn kid.”

  “Jax…” I covered his hand with my own.

  He looked down at our hands, his hair falling into his pensive eyes. “One of the last times I saw Carrie, I was just so pissed at the world. I was mad that one of the only people who understood me was dying.” His eyes shined in the soft glow of the room. “Carrie told me I had to let go of the anger. She said it was like I was beating my own head against a wall, but expecting my mom to feel the pain. She understood because when she was first diagnosed, she was angry too. But if she’d stayed angry, she’d have missed out on so much love.” He frowned, his head hung low. “After she died, I couldn’t stop thinking about what she said. All I’ve ever wanted was a family, and I started thinking that maybe my mom was somewhere out there. I thought maybe we could have some sort of relationship. So, six months ago, I started trying to find her. I started searching for her online, and that got me nowhere. I talked to the state, and there was no record of her after she turned me over to their custody.”

  I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to say something that would make him feel better, but I knew there were no words to ease his pain. Instead, I squeezed his hand, waiting for him to continue when he was ready.

  “I finally hired a private investigator, but he still hasn’t been able to find her. For six months this has been going on, and I don’t know why, but it’s like I’m broken. I’m afraid I may never find my mom, and I might not ever have a person in this world I belong to. Now, the one thing I’m good at, the one thing that was mine, I can’t seem to do anymore. If we don’t get something new for the label soon, they’re going to force our hand and make us record something we don’t want to. I feel like I’m letting the band down, and they’re all I’ve got.”

  “I’m sure they’d understand if you told them what you’ve been going through,” I tried to reassure him. “I know you can trust them.”

  “It’s not that I don’t trust them, but it doesn’t come as easily with them as it seems to with you.” His eyes pleaded with mine. “We have this crazy connection, and I feel comfortable telling you things about me nobody else knows. Maybe you can help pull the words out of me.”

  “Jax, I haven’t written a song in ages.” I sighed. “I don’t even know if I can anymore.”

  “I’m asking you to try,” he murmured. “For me.”

  He looked at me so hopefully, there was no way I could tell him no. I didn’t know if I could help him, but what did I have to lose in trying? “I’ll go get a notebook and a pen.”

  He threw his arms around me, and the butterflies took flight in my chest. “Thank you.”

  I was amazed at how easily it all came back to me. Maybe it was the wine that allowed my guard to come down, or maybe Jax was right, and it really was like riding a bike. Somehow, the words and melodies began to pour out of me.

  Jax and I worked well together, bouncing ideas off each other as if we’d always written together. For hours, he opened up about life without his mom, while we passed the guitar back and forth. I loved watching him work. I loved the way his brow furrowed as he softly sang the words, trying to perfect the melody. I loved how excited he got when it started to come together and the way his eyes constantly found mine in the flickering candlelight.

  I had to shift my gaze downward for fear that the lightning in his stormy eyes would strike me dead right on the spot. I grabbed my phone off the coffee table to check the time only to see a text from Ella.

  Ella: Soooooo??????

  I stifled a laugh as I tapped out my answer.

  Liv: Soooooo far soooooo good. ;)

  “I take it that’s Ella checking in to make sure she doesn’t need to come rescue you,” Jax joked, taking another drink and emptying the contents of his glass.

  “Something like that.” I chuckled.

  He placed the glass on the table. “I believe I promised you dinner. What sounds good to you?”

  “You know what? The weather is still pretty crummy. Let me take a raincheck, and I’ll take care of dinner tonight.” I stood, placing my guitar back in its case.

  “Are you sure? With the power out, that might be a little difficult. I could at least order a pizza or something.”

  “I’m positive. Besides, isn’t necessity the mother of invention?” I grabbed our empty wine glasses and my phone, unlocking it so that it illuminated the space around me. “Grab the candle and come with me.” He followed me into the kitchen curiously, setting the candle on the counter. I placed our glasses beside it before plucking another bottle of red wine from the rack on the counter. “Will you do the honors?” I passed him the bottle and a corkscrew.

  “Of course,” he said, setting to work on opening the wine.

  I slid open the patio door and pulled the screen door closed, allowing the sound of rain to fill the room. Standing on my tiptoes, I pulled the wooden cheese board from one of the top cabinets. As I began putting together my hodgepodge charcuterie board, I became aware of his thoughtful eyes following me, watching me work with intrigue. I moved through the kitchen, cloaked in darkness, pulling items from the cabinets and a couple from the fridge, placing them artfully on the board.

  “Okay,” I said, carrying the board to the small rustic grey dining table next to the patio door. “Dinner is served.”

  I moved the candle to the table and he followed, grabbing the wine and glasses, placing them on the table and taking his seat beside me. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Pop-Tarts on a charcuterie board before.”

  “They’re strawberry.” I grinned, plucking one from the board and taking a bite. I’d piled together a smorgasbord of snacks including almonds, grapes, pretzels, string cheese, Goldfish crackers, some cookies from the bakery, some leftover pepperonis from pizza night with Ella and Grace, and iced strawberry Pop-Tarts.

  “This might be the best dinner I’ve ever had.” His lips curled into a smile as he grabbed a Pop-Tart.

  “You might need to raise your standards a little bit.” I smirked, taking a sip of my wine. My hair blew lightly around me as the breeze flowed through the screen door.

  “I think my standards are just right.” Thunder rumbled and we fell quiet for a moment, taking in the sounds of the autumn storm.

  I glanced over at him to find him already looking at me. I quickly looked away, taking another sip of my wine.

  “What do you say we play a little game?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “What did you have in mind?”

  “Well, we have some wine. How about a little getting-to-know-you drinking game?” He raised his brow at me. “Maybe Never Have I Ever?”

  “Sure,” I said cautiously. “What are the rules?”

  “You’ve never played before?”

  I shook my head.

  “We each take turns saying something we’ve never done. If the other has done that thing, they take a drink.�
�

  I shrugged. “Sounds simple enough.”

  “Ladies first.” He smiled over at me, taking another bite of his Pop-Tart.

  “Okay.” I pressed my lips together, suppressing a laugh. “Never have I ever played Never Have I Ever until today.”

  “You dirty cheater.” He clutched his hand to his chest, feigning shock.

  “Drink up,” I teased.

  “Alright.” He took a drink of his wine. “I see how this is going to be. Never have I ever baked a cake.”

  “Jaxon Slade,” I said with mock surprise. “The audacity.” I took a long sip of my wine. “Fine. Never have I ever been arrested.”

  “Me either.” He took a handful of almonds off the board. “Now, if we had been playing this game with Luca, he would have had to drink.”

  “Oh really?”

  “Yep. He got mouthy with a bodyguard once when he was acting like an idiot at an afterparty a couple of years ago.” He tossed a couple of the almonds in his mouth. “Disorderly conduct. Cash convinced the guy to drop the charges, though.” He paused thoughtfully for a moment. “Never have I ever gotten a tattoo.”

  I took a long swallow of my wine.

  “You have a tattoo?” His eyes widened with surprise.

  “One.” I pulled my T-shirt down and brushed my hair to the side, exposing the back of my left shoulder to him. “I got it for my birthday last year.”

  “It’s beautiful.” He leaned in, the roughness of his fingertips sending chills down my spine as he lightly traced the outline of the rose that was drawn in a crisp black line. “Does it have a special meaning?”

  “It was kind of my gift to myself after Ben left,” I admitted. “He gave me the divorce papers a month before my birthday, and I felt lost. I guess I still feel lost sometimes.” My eyes met his over my shoulder. “Anyway, he hated tattoos and never wanted me to have one. He always said they were unattractive on a woman. So, this was one of the first things I did for me. It symbolizes my new beginning. The thorns represent the hurt I’ve been through, and the three leaves represent the constants in my life: myself, Ella, and Grace. The rose itself is the new beginning. It’s where I hope I end up, and they’re my favorite flower.”

  “But not the red ones,” he said matter-of-factly.

  “How did you know that?” I analyzed him.

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged and popped a grape in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “Red roses seem too basic. You’re different.”

  “You’re not wrong.” I grinned. “I love tequila sunrise roses. They’re a lot harder to find, though. They’re yellow at the center, and they fade out into shades of peach and orange and fiery red.”

  “A lot like a sunrise.”

  “A lot like that.” I picked up a pretzel from the board. “Never have I ever lived outside my hometown.”

  “Really?” He took a pull from his glass.

  “True story. I mean, I do enjoy traveling when I’ve had the chance to do so. Ella, Grace, and I take a yearly girls trip and that sort of thing, but I’ve never really seen myself living outside of Nashville or at least not outside of Tennessee. I love it here.”

  “I feel like I’ve done nothing but live on the road,” he replied. “I’ve still got a place in Louisville, but I’m hardly ever there. I would love to settle down and stay somewhere for longer than a couple of weeks at a time.”

  “I can’t imagine how hard that is.”

  “It’s not like I have much to go back to. Louisville is the place I live,” he said, “but it’s not home.”

  “Where is home?” I looked at him thoughtfully.

  “That’s to be determined.” A solemn expression settled on his face before he grabbed a cookie, taking a bite. “Snickerdoodles are my favorite. Did you make these?”

  I couldn’t help but notice how swiftly he changed the subject, but I didn’t want to press the issue. “Of course.”

  “Damn, Liv,” He took in a deep breath. “Is there anything you can’t do?”

  “Change a flat tire,” I answered flatly. “There was an incident this past spring. You can ask Ella. It ended with both of us covered in dirt on the side of the interstate, and we still had to call AAA. Almost put my eye out with that wrenchy thing.”

  He choked out a laugh. “Could you mean a tire iron?”

  “All I know is it looks like some sort of medieval torture device.”

  “Don’t worry. I can change all your tires,” he said easily. “Okay. Never have I ever had a surprise party.”

  “Me either.” I shook my head, taking a cracker from the board. “I’ve never really done a lot for my birthday.”

  “Because you don’t want to?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I don’t feel real comfortable being the center of attention. Besides, I’ve always been the one that enjoys planning stuff for the people I love. Like this year, for Ella’s birthday, I threw a hair metal party complete with leather skirts and a KISS cover band.”

  “Please tell me there are pictures because this is something I will need proof of.” He took another bite of his cookie.

  “Oh, there are. Ella dressed up like Bret Michaels, and my hair was teased up to the heavens. The higher the hair, the closer to God.” I giggled. “It was a good time.”

  “You said you don’t feel comfortable being the center of attention. Why not?”

  “I guess Ben was the one who was always in the spotlight.” I ran my finger along the rim of my glass. “I got used to being in the background, you know?”

  “No, I don’t.” He shook his head, and his eyes met mine. “Liv, you deserve to be so much more than in the background of someone else’s story. You deserve to be center stage.”

  My cheeks blushed, and I shifted my eyes to the darkness that extended beyond the patio door. “Never have I ever played on stage at The Ryman.”

  “Cheap shot,” he teased. He threw back the remainder of his wine before pouring himself another glass and topping off mine.

  “Yes it was, but I just have to know what that feels like.” I picked apart a pretzel, gazing at him thoughtfully. “The Ryman is kind of the dream for a lot of musicians or at least it was for me back in the day. Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, Elvis, all of the greats have played there. So, what’s it like? Had you played there before the show last night?”

  “One other time.” He polished off the rest of his cookie. “It’s pretty incredible. The sound in that place is unreal, and there’s something intimate about it. You can look out and see the faces in the crowd, unlike so many other venues where they all sort of bleed into this backlit blur. There’s an energy there that’s indescribable. It’s almost…”

  “Spiritual?”

  “Yeah.” He smiled. “That’s exactly it. There’s a connection that happens on that stage that’s unlike any other venue.”

  I sighed. “It sounds magical.”

  He looked over at me sincerely. “You deserve to be on that stage, Liv, and I believe it will happen one day.”

  “I wish,” I said incredulously. I popped a grape in my mouth, eager to change the subject. “Your turn.”

  “Hmmm…” He sipped his wine contemplatively for a moment. “Never have I ever been in love.”

  I raised my eyebrows and picked up my glass, swirling it in my hand a moment before taking a long drink. “Really?”

  “Nope.” He shook his head. “I’ve dated a couple of girls over the years. They were nice and all, but none of them were serious girlfriends. It’s never been high on my priority list before. I guess part of me has been scared.”

  “Scared of love?”

  “Scared of losing it.”

  I nodded. “It is scary.”

  “But is it worth it?”

  “I’m probably not the right person to ask.” I placed my elbow on the table, resting my ch
in in my hand. “I’d probably do things differently if I knew then what I know now.”

  “Because your feelings for him changed?”

  I sighed and picked up my glass, studying the way the wine lightly sloshed in the flickering light. “Because how I felt about him changed how I felt about me.” I threw back the rest of my wine and poured myself another glass.

  “Liv… I—” He started, but I shrugged him off.

  “It’s okay,” I assured him. “I made my choices, and they were the wrong ones. That’s the way it is sometimes.”

  “But you get to make new choices now.” Jax reached out, gently touching my arm. “You get to rise from the dirt and thorns and become your own tequila sunrise.”

  “You’re sweet, Jax.” I gave him a small smile before clearing my throat. “What do you say we take the rest of this back in the living room and pick up where we left off? I really think we were onto something.” I rose to my feet, feeling his eyes on me as I tucked the wine bottle under my arm, grabbing the board and my glass. “Do you mind grabbing the candle?”

  He peered at me as though he wanted to say something more, but decided against it. Instead, he gathered his glass and the candle. “Lead the way.”

  Chapter 10

  Jax

  We continued working through the evening and that second bottle of wine. I found myself seduced by the way she ran her fingers through her hair when it fell in her eyes and how she chewed her lip when she was deep in thought. Her voice cut right through my soul, breaking me wide open.

  I couldn’t get enough. I wanted to know all of her stories, and I wanted to tell her mine.

  Hours later, I placed the guitar back in its case, and we settled into a contented silence. She curled into the couch facing me, her feet tucked beneath her. I’d managed to sit close enough to her that I could easily reach out and hold her hand. I didn’t, but God did I want to. I looked into her eyes, which were hazy with exhaustion and wine. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe she was getting more comfortable with me, but she didn’t try to look away. “Thank you for doing this with me, Liv. I don’t know what it is about you, but you seem to get me. I know I’ve got a ways to go, but today felt good.”