I finally found the bathroom and ducked inside for a moment, grateful to not be sandwiched between a sea of sweaty bodies. It was hard to believe it had only been a month since I saw that photo of Ben with Jessica Rabbit and felt all the hurt come rushing back. But now? I felt grateful. If all of that hadn’t happened, I never would have met Jaxon Slade. I hadn’t wanted Ben to recognize me because I truly had nothing left to say to him. Except perhaps, thank you for ending a relationship I should have ended a long time ago. I couldn’t wait to get back to Jax, so I started my trek back through the club to get to the entrance.
As I shouldered through the horde of people, I caught a glimpse of Luca’s deep-green tux. He was off to the side, alone, standing by a small circular table with some sort of mixed drink in front of him. Though he was looking in my direction, he didn’t seem to see me. When I approached, I saw him reach inside his jacket pocket and pull out what looked to be some sort of small bottle. He popped the top off and poured more than a couple of pills into his hand before knocking it back with whatever concoction was in his glass.
“Luca?” I touched him lightly on the arm. For a moment, it was as though he was looking right through me. When his eyes finally focused, I could see they were hazy and bloodshot, even through the mask. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m good.” His words came a little slow and slurred. “Just letting off some steam.” He took another drink, draining the glass in one last pull.
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay? I thought I saw you taking something on my way over here. Are you sick?”
He shrugged me off. “Had a little headache is all.”
I held up his now empty glass. “Maybe lay off of this for the rest of the night. Whatever was in this little glass certainly won’t help that headache. You want me to get you some water? I can run over to the bar for you.”
“Nah, I’m good.” He shook his head and turned his attention to a beautiful blonde a few feet away, wearing something lacy and see-through who seemed to have set her sights on him. She beckoned him over with the curve of her finger, and Luca practically salivated. “And I think I’m about to be even better.” He turned to me with a wink before grabbing my hand and placing a kiss on top of it. “You really do look gorgeous tonight, Liv.”
Before I could say another word, I watched him stumble in the direction of the blonde and whisper something in her ear. She grinned slyly before letting him escort her away. I stared after him a moment, unsure what exactly I’d witnessed. Something felt off, though I had no reason to believe Luca would lie to me either. I was probably just being paranoid.
I sighed and set out for the entrance where Jax and Brady were already waiting for me.
“Everything okay?” Jax asked as I approached. I considered telling him about seeing Ben, but decided against it. Running into him had been a little jarring. It was like finding a photograph of someone from your past buried at the bottom of a shoebox of memories, but what it showed me was that Benton Wyatt was my past. My future was with Jax.
“I had kind of a weird interaction with Luca on my way out here,” I said.
“Sounds like typical Luca.” Brady rolled his eyes. “He has a tendency to get a little out of hand at parties. I’ll keep an eye on him when I get back. Don’t you worry about it.”
I nodded thoughtfully and decided to drop the issue as Jax laced his fingers through mine, and we made the trek back to the suite under Brady’s watchful eye.
Chapter 20
Jax
The day after the party, Liv and I took advantage of room service as we lazed about in bed, watching movies and talking. I wondered if it was possible we’d ever run out of things to say to each other. I loved her easy laugh and the ways she took care of me without even knowing. I loved the way she drew little circles on my chest with her fingertips as we drifted off to sleep each night, and how she was always waiting for me with a bottle of water and a kiss when I came off stage. She made me feel like I finally belonged to someone.
We broke out the guitar and worked on one of the songs we’d started from the comfort of the king-sized bed, dressed in our matching white robes from the hotel bathroom. These were the moments that reignited my passion for songwriting. For months, I’d been in a drought, but ever since Liv had come into my life, I’d had an abundance of creativity. We wrote song after song together, and I knew when it came time for us to cut a record, the hardest part would be deciding which songs to put on it.
Liv’s phone dinged from the nightstand, and she set the guitar down on the bed before reaching for it. She burst out laughing as she looked down at the screen. “Look at this.” She turned her phone to show me a picture of Ella and Grace making silly frowning faces in Liv’s kitchen. Ella held her arm high above her head, capturing Mama on the floor giving them the side-eye. Grace held up a piece of paper with the words ‘we miss you’ printed in big bubble letters.
I shook my head and chuckled. “I kind of miss that hostile kitty.”
A soft smile lit up her face as she pulled the phone back, gazing at the screen again. “God, me too. This is one thing I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to.”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed. “I’m used to seeing Ella and Grace all the time. And Katie and Mama. I miss them.”
“I know they miss you too.”
“This is one part of the whole music thing I don’t really know how to navigate,” she admitted. “I know tours and events get scheduled months, and even years, in advance sometimes. I hate the idea that Grace or Ella might need me, and I’m somewhere across the country. Or even across the world. I don’t want them to ever feel like they can’t count on me.”
I looked down at my hands and thought about how I’d felt the week I’d been on the road without Liv. Until her, I didn’t know what it really felt like to have someone to miss or someone waiting for me at home. I was always with the people I considered family, so I never had to worry about whether or not I’d be able to be there for them if they needed me.
“Hey,” she said, reaching out and touching my arm. “What is it?”
“I was just thinking about how foreign the idea of missing someone was until I met you. The guys and I are always together. Honestly, sometimes I wish I could have a chance to miss Dallas.” I snorted out a laugh. “Even when it comes to my mom, it’s not like I miss her, you know? I don’t have a catalog of fond memories from my childhood. I guess I miss the idea of who she could have been.”
“I’m sorry, Jax.” She placed her hand on the side of my face, her thumb stroking my cheek.
“I’m not.” I shook my head. “You’ve given me something worth missing.” I placed my hand on top of hers, cupping her hand with mine. “I feel lucky that I have you and that you decided to give this music thing a shot. Even though I have someone worth missing, maybe I won’t have to very often because we’ll be together.”
“I feel lucky too.” She leaned in, kissing me deeply.
My heart swelled, overcome with gratitude. I took her hands in mine. “Look, I know how important Ella and Grace are to you. No matter what our commitments are for the band, you come first, and that means the people you care about come first. If they need you, no matter where we are, I promise to get you home to them.”
She smiled.
“I never want to take you away from Ella, Grace, and Katie. We’ll fly them out to visit. I’ll do anything I can to make sure you guys always feel connected.”
“Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
“And whenever we start touring, we’ll just have to bring Mama with us.” I winked at her.
“Can you imagine Mama on a tour bus?” She snorted. “That’s one way to ward off any nosy fans.”
“With Mama around, we wouldn’t even need security.” I laughed, but the wheels in my mind had already started turning. “I have an idea.”
I grabbed the guitar and started strumming a soft, sorrowful melody.
She studied me while I played the tune over and over, working out the words in my mind.
Finally, I started to sing. “What’s it like to have half your heart on the other side of the world? Thousands of red lights, nothing but long nights, keeping a boy from his girl.” I continued to play the melody as I looked over at her. “What do you think?”
“I love it. I’m going to write it down.” She grabbed the notebook we’d been working out of and started scribbling the words.
“I feel like that could be a verse, but it needs something more.”
She nodded and jotted something else in the notebook. “Okay, what about this?” She swayed slowly, and her voice filled the air. “What’s it like to always wanna go home? Because you know every city you’re in is the wrong one when you have someone worth missing.”
“That’s it. This is why I love writing with you. It’s like you read my mind.” With one last strum of the guitar, I placed the instrument on the bed, leaning over to kiss her. I grabbed the notebook and tossed it aside. “I think it’s time for a break. What do you say we make use of that Jacuzzi before we have to get back on the bus tomorrow?”
Her eyes shimmered up at me in the warm light of the room. “I like that idea.”
I held my hands out to her and pulled her from the bed, guiding her into the bathroom. I turned the faucet, and she sat on the edge of the tub as the water began to fill.
“Thank you,” she said, her voice low and sweet. “For being so understanding and for caring about what makes me happy.”
I sat beside her, my fingers grazing her cheek. It occurred to me that this wasn’t something she was used to. She hadn’t really known what it was like to be supported in a relationship. I remembered my conversation with Grace on Liv’s birthday. She’d told me that Benton never really approved of her closeness with Ella and Grace. I thought about how her ex had let her believe she was somehow not good enough. He’d been the reason she’d ultimately let go of her dream of a music career.
“All I want is for you to be happy.” And I did. I silently vowed to never let her feel stifled or unimportant another day in her life. Liv had given me the greatest gift of all. She’d given me a person to belong to, something worth missing. The least I could do was spend my life making her happy.
Chapter 21
Liv
Over the next couple of days, we traveled through Phoenix and Salt Lake City. By the time we made it to Denver, I could tell the guys were exhausted. It was easy to see how road life could take its toll on you. We’d been eating a steady diet of takeout and gas station snacks. The room service menu was the closest any of us had gotten to anything home-cooked and, truth be told, I was fairly certain home-cooked meals were rare for the guys. While watching the band start their show that evening, Cash and Antoni inadvertently gave me an idea.
“Honey, I’m so hungry I might eat you if you stand still long enough.” Antoni pursed his lips, crossing his arms across his chest. “If I have to eat another Filet-O-Fish, I’m gonna turn into Nemo.”
I scrunched up my nose. “You actually eat those things?”
“You know what sounds so good?” Cash asked. “Some spicy chili.”
“Oh, yes,” Antoni purred, “and some piping hot cornbread. Honey, all this food talk is like soft porn for me.”
“Hmm.” I turned toward Cash. “What are the chances we could sneak out unnoticed right now?”
He eyed me curiously. “Pretty good, I’d say. What do you have in mind?”
“I’m going to cook dinner for everybody,” I said. “I could use some help since we’re on a bit of time crunch.”
“You’re gonna cook on the bus?” Antoni asked incredulously.
I nodded. “Homemade chili and cornbread.”
“You know all that’s on there is a hot plate and a toaster oven, right?” Cash questioned me with his eyes. “Is that even possible?”
“I didn’t say it would be easy.” I laughed. “I think it can be done, but I’ll need some help.”
“This girl is about to feed beans to a bunch of grown men trapped in a tin can with one bathroom. You know what that is?” Antoni raised his perfectly arched brow at me. “Bravery, honey.”
Cash rubbed along the stubble on his chin. “Antoni, can you hold down the fort tonight?”
“In my sleep, boss.” Antoni waved him off.
“Let’s do this,” Cash said to me. “Why not?”
“Y’all have fun,” Antoni called after us. “I’ll see you in time for dinner.”
I pulled out my phone and searched for a store nearby as we wound our way through the venue to the side entrance where the bus was parked. “There’s a Target a couple of miles away. Want me to call an Uber?”
“Why do that when we can take the bus? We’ll need all the time we can get to prepare. Might as well get started on the drive back.” Cash grinned, unlocking the door of the bus. He gave a wave to the driver, an older gentleman with grey hair, who sat working on a crossword puzzle. “Hey, man. You mind giving us a lift to the store?” He took my phone from my hands and showed him the address of our destination.
“Sure thing,” the driver said. “Hop in.”
I pulled up the notes app on my phone and made a list of everything we’d need as we made the short drive to the store. The driver dropped us off at the front, instructing us to text him when we were finished so he could pick us up at the door. We walked through the automatic doors, and Cash grabbed a cart.
I took in a deep breath through my nose. “I love the smell of Target. Smells like everything I never knew I needed.”
Cash laughed as he pushed the cart beyond the dollar section and the cash registers.
“Let’s start over in housewares,” I said as he steered the cart down the aisle, past the greeting cards and office supplies. “We need a few things to cook with, starting with something to actually put the chili in.”
Cash looked around as we strolled through the store. “This was Carrie’s favorite thing to do on date night. We’d go out to dinner, and she didn’t care about going to the movies or to a concert or anything. She wanted to come to Target.”
I smiled over at him. “Sounds like my kind of girl.”
“I’m sorry.” He cleared his throat, and I noticed his eyes looked misty. “I just realized this is the first time I’ve even been inside a Target since she died.”
“I didn’t realize…” I placed a hand on his arm. “We can leave. I’ll find another store.”
He shook his head and laughed softly. “No, it’s okay. Really. Grief is just weird like that. It sneaks up on you and makes you do weird stuff, like cry in the middle of Target.”
“That’s not weird,” I assured him.
He followed me down an aisle with cookware, and I started putting the few items I needed into the cart. “You’re too sweet to tell me the truth.”
I laughed softly. “No, I mean it. After Ella’s husband Craig died, she couldn’t go into a grocery store for six months. That was their thing. They went to the store together every Sunday morning. Then when Grace was born, she went with them too. But after Craig passed, she couldn’t do it. She tried a couple of times, but the closest she got was the parking lot. So, I took over her grocery shopping for a while. I told her that when she was ready, we’d go together. It was about six months later when she decided she was ready to give it a try. She ended up breaking down in the middle of the frozen food aisle over a DiGiorno pizza because those were Craig’s favorite.”
Cash furrowed his brow. “Poor Ella.”
“I’ve never lost a spouse, but I lost my parents. The thing I remember being so painful about grief was that for so long, it felt like my entire world stopped, but everyone around me kept going on as though nothing even happened. Holidays st
ill came and went, and the days passed like normal when it was anything but.”
He pushed the cart around the corner toward the grocery portion of the store. “I know that feeling well. I’ve tried to stay busy because if I keep going, I won’t have time to feel it. Now, I’m coming up on the one year anniversary, and the holidays and Thanksgiving were her favorite. I could go back home to her family’s house because that’s what we always did for Thanksgiving, but the idea of being there without Carrie on her favorite holiday makes me feel… overwhelmingly sad.” He swallowed hard. “But the idea of being alone makes me even sadder.”
“So, don’t be alone.” I grabbed his arm and stopped in the middle of the canned goods aisle. “Come to Thanksgiving at my house this year.”
He looked down at his feet a moment, his cheeks flushed. “You really don’t have to do that.”
“I know, but I want to. I was already planning to invite all of y’all. And listen, there’s no pressure. It doesn’t have to be the start of a new tradition. It can just be a day with people who care about you. Jax will be there, and Ella and Grace will be there because we always spend Thanksgiving together. I know they’d love to see you too. Grace adores you, you know.”
A smile spread across his face. “I really like her too. And Ella… she’s great.”
“Good. Then it’s settled. You’ll be spending Thanksgiving with us.” I nodded emphatically before moving down the aisle and plucking a few cans of chili beans from the shelf.
“Jax is lucky to have you, Liv.” Cash said, catching my eye as I dropped the cans into the cart. “Hell, we all are. I mean, who else would make these jokers dinner on a tour bus?”
I nudged him as we fell into step beside each other and continued toward the produce section. “I’m not here alone, am I? Besides, somebody had to do something. We could not let Antoni eat another Filet-O-Fish.”
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