Cash grimaced. “Truly, it was our civic duty to make this dinner.”
I laughed as I pulled some pre-cut onions from one of the refrigerated shelves.
“And Antoni was right. Beans and onions on a tiny bus with a bunch of dudes? Brave.”
I laughed. “Maybe we should swing by the pharmacy for some Pepto on the way out.”
“I know we should. And some Beano and Imodium. There’s a reason Dallas isn’t allowed to eat at Taco Bell when we’re on the road. I’m just saying.”
We giggled as we forged ahead through the paper products, retrieving some bowls, flatware, and napkins. “Okay, I think we’ve got just about everything. Let’s hit up the pharmacy on the way out.”
“Roger that,” Cash said, stopping with one finger held up. “Actually, maybe I should go grab a plunger. You know, just as an insurance policy.” He broke into a big grin, and even hundreds of miles away from Nashville, I felt at home.
The next day we were in Kansas City, and after the show, we drove through the night to Chicago where the guys went straight into a full day of press. We were at the last interview of the day for a nationally syndicated talk show. Cash, Antoni, and I waited in a separate greenroom where we could watch the interview on a big, flat-screen television.
“So Liv, have you and Jax thought about when you may want to get in the studio to record some tracks? I could even set up a few showcase gigs for you guys.” Cash said, pouring himself a cup of coffee from the expansive refreshment table. “Before long, you guys will be doing shows like these together.”
“Trash tv.” Antoni pursed his lips disapprovingly. “The American dream, honey.”
“Yeah, it pretty much sucks.” Cash chuckled. “Unfortunately, it’s a necessary part of the machine.”
“I don’t know.” I laughed awkwardly. “It’s been years since I’ve been on an actual stage.”
“Well, you’re a natural. That much is for sure.” Cash sat beside me on the plush sofa. “The songs you and Jax have been working on are some of the best he’s ever brought to me. You’ve got a real gift.”
“If Cash Montgomery says you have a gift, girl, you’ve got it,” Antoni informed me. “That means you are the whole enchilada and nacho bar, baby.”
I shook my head and laughed, shifting my focus to the television as the interview continued. The pretty blonde host set her sights on Jax. “Let’s start with you, Jaxon. There’s been some reports floating around from the show you did a few nights ago at Microsoft Theater about a new song you sang for a special lady in your life. Can you tell us more about this mystery woman?”
Jax blushed, a smile sweeping across his face. The live studio audience cheered their approval. “She’s… well, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“By the looks of this photo floating around the internet today, you’ve even had your first public appearance with her,” she said as a grainy photo of the two of us appeared on the screen. It was the photo that had been taken while we were dancing at the Halloween party. I noticed Jax’s jaw clench as he saw the photo in question, but thanks to the mask Antoni selected, my identity remained concealed.
The host continued to press for more information. “Can you tell us who she is? Is she a singer too?”
“She’s a talented woman, but you wouldn’t know who she is just yet.” He grinned, and I found myself smiling too. “I’m going to protect her privacy until she’s ready to have her name out in the world. Right now, I’m pretty happy keeping her all to myself.”
“That’s so exciting! It sounds like things are getting pretty serious,” the blonde continued. “Do you see yourself settling down and starting a family?”
“I’d love that.” A look of surprise flashed across his face as though he’d been caught off guard by the question. “Honestly, I’d love to get married and have a house full of kids. That would make me pretty damn happy.”
I felt my heart sink right into the floor.
Before the host could probe him any further, Luca spoke up and redirected her attention. “In case you’re interested, I’m still single.” The crowd cheered as the host shifted her focus to Luca.
I felt my stomach churn and the color drain from my face. Of course, he wanted kids. Why wouldn’t he? Why hadn’t I thought of this before? I knew how important family was to him.
“Liv?” Cash’s brows knitted together, and he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Are you alright?”
“You need me to get you something to drink?” Antoni asked. “You look like you’re about to toss your cookies, girl.”
I mumbled something about not feeling well and stumbled out into the hallway in search of the bathroom.
I pushed through the door to the ladies’ room and into a vacant stall, shutting the door behind me. Tears threatened to form in my eyes. I didn’t know if I could ever give him the family he wanted, and above everything else, didn’t Jax deserve that? I’d been unable to give Ben the family he wanted, and look how that turned out. What would happen if I couldn’t give Jax his dream either?
I heard the bathroom door open and close, followed by Antoni’s voice. “Liv? You okay in there?”
“Yeah. One second.” I took a deep breath, bracing myself before I exited the stall.
“You sure? Honey, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He patted my back as I moved to the sink, splashing some cold water on my face. He grabbed some paper towels out of the dispenser and handed them to me.
“I’m okay. I think I’m just tired,” I lied.
Antoni eyed me suspiciously, and I got the feeling he didn’t believe me one bit. “Sweetheart, if you need somebody to talk to, you’ve got a friend in me, okay? I know you got kinda dropped into this life, and it’s a whole lot to process. I’ve been working for these guys for three years now, and it’s still a lot. Don’t feel like you’re swimming out there all alone.”
“Thanks.” I gave him a small smile. “I appreciate it, but I’m alright. Really.”
Antoni studied me a moment as though he could sniff the truth right out of me. “Okay.” He nodded, gesturing toward the door. “After you.”
I pushed through the door, and when I turned the corner, I walked smack into Jax, who gripped me by the shoulders. “Baby, are you okay? Cash said you were sick.”
“I’m fine.” I forced a smile. “I think I’m just exhausted. Really, I’ll be fine.”
“Let’s get you to the bus.” He pulled me to him, kissing the top of my head. “You need to rest. Come on.”
I felt a pang in my heart as I wrapped my arm around his waist. What if I couldn’t give him what he wanted? What he deserved?
What if I wasn’t good enough?
A couple of moments later, we boarded the bus along with the rest of the guys, who all shared their concern over me. I tried to wave them off, but they fawned over me as though I was an injured animal.
After I managed to shake them off, Jax took me back to his bunk. “Do you mind if I lay down with you? I just want to hold you.”
I nodded. “I’d like that.” In fact, that was all I wanted. To wrap up in his arms for as long as possible because there may come a time when I no longer could.
We curled up in his bunk together, and I buried my face in his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me. Jax’s words from the interview reverberated through my mind as he gently stroked my hair. I thought about the family he dreamed of having and wondered if I was selfish for holding on to him when I may never be able to give him what he deserved.
Chapter 22
Jax
We fell asleep in Chicago and woke up in Louisville, our last stop before we’d drop Liv off in Nashville a couple of days later on our way to Atlanta. The band had some local press lined up at one of the big radio stations in the city before we were to head to soundcheck. I looked out from the booth
to where Cash, Antoni, and Liv stood in the hall waiting. The DJs had already attempted to ask me about my ‘mystery girl.’ Once again, Luca jumped in and deflected the attention back to him, and I was grateful.
I’d barely said a word the entire interview, too distracted by the far off look in Liv’s eyes. She’d clung to me a little longer than usual in my bunk that morning. I asked her if she felt better, and she’d said she did, but I could tell she was lying by the way she smiled. It didn’t quite reach her eyes, as though she’d forced it for my benefit.
Cash had pulled me aside and asked if there was anything he could do to help cheer her up. Even he’d noticed something was off with her. She’d seemed to be enjoying her time on the road with me just days before. I knew she missed Ella and Grace, but she’d seemed happy. At least, I thought she had.
I asked if she was sure she was okay, and she’d said she was just tired and that sleeping on the bus was starting to get to her.
The band would be staying in their respective homes while we were in Louisville, which meant I would finally get to take Liv back to my apartment. I was a little nervous for her to see how empty it was, much like my life had been without her in it, but I’d been anxious to bring her here for some alone time. I was hoping that once we had a little time to ourselves, I could get her to open up about what was bothering her.
We stopped at The Palace for an early soundcheck, and then we were planning to take the afternoon to relax before heading back for the show. Sam Corbyn was wrapping up his soundcheck while we, minus Cash and Antoni, waited in the dressing room.
“How does it feel to be back knowing you’re about to move to Nashville?” Liv asked Dallas, taking a sip from her water bottle.
“It feels good,” he said. “Louisville will always be home, but Nashville has kinda captured my heart.”
“It’s captured mine too,” I said, leaning over to kiss Liv on the cheek.
Her eyes sparkled with warmth as she gazed up at me for one blissful second. But once the moment passed, the despondent look on her face returned.
There was a knock on the door, and Antoni entered with a flourish.
“Hey, Antoni. What’s up?” Luca asked.
“I’m here for Miss Liv.” Antoni strolled into the dressing room and reached out his hand to her. “You and I have a date at the spa, honey.” He gave a little shimmy, and I furrowed my brow in confusion. “Courtesy of Cash Montgomery and the dashing gentlemen of Midnight in Dallas.” That’s when I realized this must have been Cash’s doing, and I made a mental note to thank him later. “You need an afternoon of relaxation and beautification, and God knows I need less of this.” He looked back at me apologetically and made a sweeping gesture at us. “No offense to you boys. You’re great and all, but the bullshit is strong with y’all.”
“Antoni’s right,” I assured Liv as she looked back at me, her head tilted slightly in confusion. “You deserve some pampering.” The guys backed me up, encouraging her to go enjoy herself.
“Okay,” she said, letting Antoni take her hand. “Thank you, guys. This is very sweet of you.”
“Now, kiss lover boy goodbye because I’m not bringing you back till we’re all decked out for the show tonight.” Antoni propped a hand on his hip. “I took the liberty of calling up a couple of boutiques in town, and we’re getting something cute to wear for the hometown show.”
I stood and gave Liv one last lingering kiss.
“Alright. Save it for later, Romeo.” Antoni waved me off, pulling Liv toward the door. “She’s gonna look like the queen she is, and so will I.”
“Have fun,” I called, and Antoni pushed her out into the hallway. My heart sank as the door closed behind them. Our talk would have to wait.
After soundcheck, I was walking out the back door of The Palace with Brady when Cash jogged out to catch up with me.
“Hey, Jax,” he called. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Sure.” I stopped walking and waited for him to catch up.
“I’ll be waiting in the car.” Brady gave us a respectful nod and continued to the SUV.
“What’s up?” I asked, shoving my hands in my pockets.
“I’m sorry I didn’t clear the spa thing with you first,” Cash said. “It was a spur of the moment thing. Liv seems like she’s feeling really down, and I was talking about it with Antoni earlier. I remembered Ella took her to a spa for her birthday, so I thought maybe that might help cheer her up. Antoni wanted to go with her because he thought maybe she might need someone to talk to since Ella’s not around. You know he loves her to death. We all do.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for. I appreciate you doing that for her, and honestly, I wish I’d thought of it. I don’t know, man.” I shook my head and ground the toe of my Chuck Taylors into the pavement. “Something’s off. Maybe she realized the touring thing is too much for her?”
Cash folded his arms across his chest. “Something happened yesterday when we were in the greenroom, Jax. We were watching your interview back there, and she bolted.”
“Fuck.” I scrubbed my hands over my face. “Maybe she’s not ready for this… for us.”
“I don’t think that’s it.” Cash sighed. “I really don’t. I know she cares about you. Seeing the way she looks at you...” He trailed off, and his eyes fell to the ground. “It reminds me of the way Carrie used to look at me. It’s something special, Jax.”
I knew Cash deserved to know the real reason I hadn’t been able to write. He deserved to know the impact Carrie had on my life and everything leading up to now. “I need to tell you something, Cash.” I cleared my throat. “I didn’t tell you the truth about why I wasn’t able to write for so long.” I told him about the numerous conversations I’d had with Carrie leading up to her death. I filled him in on beginning the search for my mom and what Carrie told me. If I’d stayed angry, I would have missed out on so much love, she’d said. “But more than that, I realized if I kept living the way I was living, I may never get to have what you and Carrie had. I was so damn mad at the world. I was going through the motions, and now that I’ve found Liv…”
“You’re not angry anymore.” He squeezed my shoulder and gave me a faint smile.
I sucked in a deep breath. “Not even a little.”
“That’s love, man.” He ran his hand through his hair. “It has this weird way of driving all the anger out of your heart. It’s like it takes up so much space that there’s no room for it anymore.”
“But… how do you live without her?” I hated myself for asking the question because I knew it wasn’t the same. Carrie was gone, and even if I lost Liv, I’d still get to live in a world where she existed.
“I don’t know that I’d call what I’ve been doing living so much as existing,” he admitted. “I was so angry when Carrie died, or at least I thought I was. Really I just had all this love that had nowhere to go anymore. The truth is, I’ll never stop loving her. But listen, you’re not going to lose Liv. I truly believe that.”
“I hope you’re right.” I looked down at the asphalt and blinked back the tears that threatened to form in the corners of my eyes.
“And Jax?” I lifted my gaze to look at him. “Carrie would have loved her. She would have been so proud of you.”
“Fuck, man. I miss her.”
“I miss her too,” Cash confessed. “Every day of my life. Though I have to admit, things have felt… lighter since Liv came into our lives. And Ella and Grace. They’ve brought a lot of happiness to my life too.”
“I can’t lose her, Cash.” I shook my head adamantly. “I can’t.”
“I know.” He clapped me on the back. “I’ll see you back here this evening.”
“Thanks, man.” I nodded as he turned and started back toward the door. I steeled myself and walked to the car where Brady waited.
I wasn’t sure what was
going on in Liv’s mind. I just knew I had to let her know, that no matter how much she tried to push me away, I wasn’t going anywhere.
Chapter 23
Liv
It turned out that a spa day with Antoni was exactly what I needed. We got massages and facials first, which gave me some time to decompress. I hadn’t been able to tell Ella about the interview or how I was feeling because there wasn’t much privacy on the bus. I was careful not to let her think anything was wrong. I knew how much she’d worry, but I longed for her advice.
Antoni and I drank champagne as we got manicures and pedicures, and the next thing I knew, I’d pretty much spilled not only all the details about how Jax and I got together but everything that happened in the seventeen years before that.
After a refill on our champagne, we were escorted to the sauna to wait until our stylists came to get us for our final stop of the day in the hair and makeup chairs.
“Okay, missy. What happened in the greenroom yesterday?” Antoni asked, his hand stroking the stubble on his face. “And you better not even try to give me that ‘I’m tired’ bullshit again, or I will smack you upside your unfairly beautiful face.”
I sighed and leaned my back against the wall, taking a sip of my champagne. “Remember when they asked Jax what his hopes were for the future? If he saw himself settling down and having a family?”
“Oh my God.” Antoni gasped, placing his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t know if you’ll ever want that?”
“No, it’s not that at all,” I assured him. “I care about him so much. Honestly, after Ben and I split, I didn’t really know if this was a thing that would ever happen for me. I didn’t know that I’d ever find someone, but then Jax came along. He’s everything I could have hoped for.”
“And he’s head over heels in love with you,” he added, “so what’s the problem?”
I ran my fingers through my hair, drawing in a deep breath. “I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was twenty-nine. At the time, my doctor told me it was possible that pregnancy wouldn’t ever be in the cards for me, but Ben and I kept trying because we both wanted a baby so badly. When I turned thirty-two, those two little lines finally appeared on the pregnancy test.” I looked down at the bubbles in my champagne, watching them rise to the surface before bursting into nothing. “For eleven weeks, it was like the wind had been put back in our sails, and I thought maybe there was hope for me and Ben. We were shopping for baby clothes and making plans for the nursery. Then, one night I woke up with these intense cramps and…” I wiped away a tear that had escaped down my cheek. “We lost it. After that, talks of a family came to a screeching halt. My relationship with Ben became transactional at best. He seemed to blame me for what happened. I’ve gone over it again and again in my head for years, and I can’t figure out what I did wrong. I took the vitamins and ate all the right things. I did fucking yoga. I thought I did everything right.”
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