“Liv, honey.” Antoni held my hand between his. “That wasn’t your fault. You have to know that. Sometimes these things happen. There’s no reason, and it isn’t fucking fair. I’m so sorry you went through that, and I’m doubly sorry that prick you were married to didn’t love you the way you deserved. For what it’s worth, I really do believe Jax loves you. I’ve certainly never seen him like this. That boy would go to the moon and back for you.”
“I know.” I sighed. “I know he would, but he said he wanted a family. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give him that, Antoni. He deserves to have everything he could ever want.”
“Sweetheart.” He squeezed my hand. “I think you’re forgetting one important detail.”
“What?” I asked.
“He wants you.”
“What if I’m not enough for him?”
“Hot damn, no ma’am.” He shook his head. “Don’t even let your pretty head go there. You’re worrying yourself sick, and that man, who is very much in love with you, has no idea what’s going on.”
“But isn’t it wrong for me to stay with him knowing I may not be able to give him what he deserves?”
“What would be wrong is if you didn’t let him decide what he deserves, honey,” he said softly. “You’ve got to let him know what’s eating at you.”
The door to the sauna opened, and a salon coordinator wearing all black appeared. “Olivia and Antoni, we’re ready for you.”
We followed the young woman through the spa and into the salon area where people were milling about, chattering over the sounds of hair dryers. Before she delivered me to my assigned stylist, Antoni grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear. “You’ve got to talk to him, honey.”
“I know.” I forced a smile and nodded.
I knew he was right, but I also knew I was terrified that once Jax knew the truth, he would realize I wasn’t enough for him.
Antoni and I arrived at The Palace right before the meet and greet. We wove our way through the backstage area until we found the dressing room where Cash was standing just outside.
“Hey, Liv,” he greeted as Antoni stopped to talk to Brady. “You look fantastic.”
“Thanks.” I smiled. “That was really nice of you, by the way. Thank you so much for sending us.”
“How are you feeling now?” He leaned against the wall to the side of the doorframe.
“A lot more relaxed,” I said. “Thanks to you.”
“Good.” He nodded. “You know if you need anything, anything at all, I’m here for you, right? I’ll do anything I can to help you.”
“I know,” I replied. “I appreciate you, Cash, more than you know.”
He gazed at me quietly for a moment as though he wanted to say something else, but decided against it. “Jax is in there. I know he’ll be excited to see you.” He gestured toward the dressing room behind him, and I knocked on the door.
“Yes?” I heard Dallas call.
“Are you guys decent?” I asked through the door.
Luca grinned wildly as he opened the door. “When have you ever known us to be decent?”
“That’s fair.” I laughed and entered the dressing room.
“You look great,” Luca appraised me. “Jax, your girlfriend is gorgeous. Why don’t I have a gorgeous girlfriend?”
“Maybe because there’s not a woman alive who’d be willing to put up with your shit,” Dallas challenged, raising his brow.
Luca paused thoughtfully and shrugged. “Yeah, that might be it.”
“Hey, beautiful.” Jax greeted me by pulling me into his arms. “He’s right, you know. I do have the most gorgeous girlfriend in the world.” He gazed down at me, and I saw a flicker of worry flash across his face.
“Brady has the first group here now.” Antoni stuck his head in the door as Cash slipped into the room and stood near the far wall.
“You guys good?” Derek glanced around at everyone before settling his eyes on me and Jax.
“Yeah,” I answered. Jax reluctantly released me from his grasp, and I crossed the room to stand with Cash.
I’d watched the meet and greets several times since being on the road with the band, and I loved watching the guys interact with their fans. Derek was always the more mellow one, but he still had quite an effect on the ladies. Luca ate up every ounce of attention that came his way, flirting with all the women. Meanwhile, Dallas was the one who made everybody feel at ease, joking and laughing with each person that came in.
Jax’s smile lit up the room and the heart of every woman who walked through the door of the dressing room. People often seemed completely disarmed by the fact that his warm disposition matched the genuineness of his smile.
Small groups of fans filtered in and out, much like Ella, Grace, and I had the first night we met the guys. I noticed Jax’s eyes search for mine as people filed in and out of the room. Finally, the last group entered. It was a young couple with their daughter who looked to be no more than about five or six years old.
“Who do we have here?” Jax smiled at the bright-eyed young girl.
“Cora.” She gave him a bashful smile, and he crouched down so that he was at her eye-level. She tugged at the hem of her ruffly pink dress.
“Cora,” he repeated. “That’s such a pretty name. A pretty name for a pretty girl.” She grinned again, hiding her face in her mom’s side.
“Thank you.” The mom smiled, ruffling Cora’s hair. “We love your music, but Jaxon, you are Cora’s favorite. When we found out you guys would be here, we knew we had to bring her to meet you.”
“Thank you so much for coming to see us,” Jax said, his eyes fixed on Cora. “May I have a hug?”
Cora looked up at her mom as though asking for her approval, to which she nodded. “Go ahead, honey. It’s okay.” She ran into his arms, and he expertly scooped her up, holding her on his hip. He took his time talking with Cora and her parents while the rest of the guys made over her. Dallas made silly faces at her, causing her to burst into a fit of giggles.
Antoni grabbed my hand and leaned into my ear. “You okay, honey?”
I nodded. I noticed Cash watching me, and I wondered if he could see right through me.
Jax was a natural with Cora. Seeing him interact with her caused sharp bolts of shame and guilt to shoot through me. How could I deprive him of having his own Cora one day?
After the guys took pictures with Cora and her family, one of the other guards showed them out, and Brady let us know it was showtime.
Jax put his arm around me wordlessly, and we walked to the side stage area, listening as Sam Corbyn finished his set. He stood with his arms around me until it was time for him to get plugged in and hit the stage.
“I’ll meet you here after the show.” He leaned in to kiss me on the forehead before disappearing backstage. I stood with Antoni and Cash as I had many nights before, watching the guys play their hearts out.
By the time the band began to play the melody to “Love You More,” a deep sadness had settled into my heart. Jax deserved someone that could give him the family he longed for. He deserved the whole world, and I knew that no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t promise him that. He deserved someone that loved him enough to let him go so he could still have that dream.
Tears blurred my vision as he sang the chorus. His eyes met mine once more, and I couldn’t control the sob that escaped me. Tears streamed down my face as I turned on my heel and backed away from the stage. I heard Cash call after me and Antoni’s voice telling him to give me a moment. I tore through the backstage area with my head down, running down the hall, and I didn’t stop running until I was outside the back entrance of The Palace. I gulped in the chilly night air, leaning against the wall outside with my hands clutched to my chest.
The pain felt as though it might drown me. I knew that tonight, I had to b
reak my own heart. I had to let Jaxon Slade go.
Chapter 24
Jax
“Liv!” I breathed a sigh of relief when I found her outside the backdoor of the venue. Under the lamplight, I could see her face was damp with tears. My mind whirled as I tried to figure out what could have happened to make her this upset. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
“I—” She started to speak as Brady came barreling out after me. “I just needed some fresh air.”
“Brady, can you take us to my apartment now?” I asked, not taking my eyes off Liv. “I’ll text Cash and ask him to grab the rest of my stuff.”
“Of course.” He nodded, his eyes awash with concern. We walked to the car, and even with her hand in mine, she felt a million miles away. The ride to my apartment was painfully silent as I stole glances of her grief-stricken face.
Brady pulled up to the kiosk outside my complex, and I flashed my card out of my window, opening the gate. We pulled to a stop outside my building, and I exited the car, helping Liv out behind me. Brady gave me a sympathetic nod before pulling away.
I led her to the door and slid my key in the lock, letting us inside. She stepped through the threshold as I closed the door, locking it behind us.
“So, this is it.” I flicked on the light, illuminating my spacious, but very empty apartment. The walls were stark white and completely bare. The sleek black couch and television looked comically small in the expansive space.
“I think someone stole the rest of your furniture,” she joked half-heartedly, stepping further into the living room.
I studied her as she walked around, her eyes on everything but me. So many questions tugged at the corners of my mind. Did she regret coming to see me? Had she realized being with a touring musician wasn’t what she wanted? Worse still, that I wasn’t what she wanted?
The sheer curtain was already pulled open when she walked over to the window and stared wordlessly out into the night sky. Liv was right in front of me, but I felt like I was losing her. I’d racked my brain all day trying to figure out what changed. My mind kept coming back to the interview we’d done in LA, and after what Cash told me earlier, I suspected I was right.
I steeled myself as I approached her, gently placing my hands on her shoulders. “Can we talk?” I felt her muscles tense beneath my fingers, and she cast her gaze downward. “Baby,” I pleaded, “please talk to me. What’s going on? You haven’t been yourself since yesterday.” I hooked my finger under her chin, gently bringing her eyes back to mine. “Please, Liv.”
She pressed her lips together and shook her head.
“I’ve been going over and over this in my mind. To figure out what changed. It was the interview we did yesterday. It’s because of what I said, isn’t it?” I scrubbed my hands over my face. “That you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and that I wanted to get married one day. It was too much for you, wasn’t it?” Her gaze fell to the floor, but I pressed on, taking her hands in mine. “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t say those things to rush you or push you into anything. You are the best thing that’s happened to me, and I do see a future with you, but I’ll be patient. I will wait as long as you ask—”
“It’s not that.” She wrenched herself from my grasp, turning away from me.
“But it is something.” My mouth went dry. “What is it?”
“I’m afraid I won’t be enough for you.” Her voice broke, her shoulders shaking as she wept into her hands.
“Baby, where is this coming from?” I closed the distance between us and took her in my arms. “You’re more than enough for me. You’re everything to me.”
“I can’t give you everything you want,” she choked out.
“Liv, you are what I want.” I searched her eyes, trying to understand.
“You want a house full of kids. You want children.” She looked at me wistfully. “And you should be able to have them.”
“So you don’t want kids.” My entire body felt heavy. “Okay. I get it, but that doesn’t change how I—”
“It’s not that. I’ve been down this road before. I’ve tried to have a family, but my body made it impossible, and I don’t think I can handle another miscarriage, Jax. I can’t take having my heart broken like that again.”
Finally, the words she’d said hit me. She wasn’t saying she didn’t want a family with me. She didn’t know if she’d be able to give me one. I felt a pang of disappointment deep in my gut. Admittedly, this wasn’t something I’d ever considered.
Crazy as it was, I’d pictured our future together a lot over the past couple of weeks, and in those visions, I’d seen myself carrying Liv over the threshold of a home of our own. I’d thought about the kind of parents we might be together. I wondered what our lives would look like many years from now when those children were grown, and I’d imagined we’d sit on our front porch, old and grey, reminiscing about the beautiful life we’d created together.
But what was most important to me about that future was her. The rest of it was nothing without her.
“Liv, look at me. I don’t think you understand. I want you.”
“But you want a family, Jax. You deserve that, and I’m being selfish holding onto you knowing I may never be able to give you that.”
“There are a million ways to make a family, baby. There are a million ways to make a home.” I took her beautiful face in my hands. “The only thing I’ve ever had to my name was that shitty apartment. Then, after things started to go well for the band, this slightly less shitty, but still empty apartment. I never had a person I belonged to. Don’t get me wrong, the guys are like family, but I never had a home. Home is where you are, Liv.” I wiped at the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. “I want to build a family with you. I want a future with you. Whether that means we adopt, foster, or just rescue a bunch of furry brothers and sisters for Mama. No matter what it is, I want it all with you.”
“You do?” Her voice was a hoarse whisper, and her face softened.
“I understand if you’re not there yet. I meant what I said. I’ll be patient.” I wrapped my arms around her. “I’ll wait as long as you need me to because you are what’s been missing from my life. You’re home to me. I love you, Liv.”
She looked at me through her tears, pulling my face down so that my forehead rested against hers. “I love you too, Jax.”
“Yeah?” I whispered.
“Yeah.” I kissed her soundly, my hands tangling in her hair.
I smiled down at her. “I donut want to live without you.”
She laughed softly, falling into my arms. At that moment, I held my entire world in my hands.
I groaned as the bus pulled to a stop in front of Liv’s house. Her two weeks with me had drawn to a close, and we were dropping her off before we finished the last few dates on the tour. I wanted nothing more than to get off this bus and stay with her, but I knew that in a few more days, I’d be home with her for the holidays. Home. After all this time, I finally had someone to call home.
“Girl, what am I going to do without you?” Antoni asked, throwing his arms around Liv. “Are you sure you can’t stay? I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’m going to miss you too,” she replied. “All of you.” The guys each took turns hugging her and saying their goodbyes. “And I’ll see y’all at Thanksgiving?”
“You know I’ll be there, Cupcake.” Dallas smiled.
Antoni propped a hand on his hip. “I’ll bring the yams, honey.”
“Count me in,” Derek added.
Luca pretended to be thinking hard about her invitation before breaking into a genuine smile. “I’ll be there.”
“It’s not going to be the same without you here,” Cash placed a hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Tell Ella and Grace we said hello, and I’ll be seeing you all for Thanksgiving.”
“
Thanks for everything, Cash.” Liv wrapped him in a hug. Finally, her eyes settled on me.
“I’m going to walk you to your door.” I grabbed her suitcase and duffle bag. “I’ll be right back,” I said to the guys.
“Take your time,” Cash said. “Bye, Liv.”
We quietly walked hand in hand up the walkway to her front door. She clicked the key in the lock, shoving the door open. I rolled her suitcase inside, placing the duffle beside it. Mama peered at us down the hallway before hissing and scampering off toward Liv’s bedroom.
“I think she missed us,” Liv joked, circling her arms around my neck.
“I don’t want to get back on that bus without you,” I murmured, pressing a kiss into her forehead. My entire body already ached knowing I wouldn’t get to hold her at night or wake up next to her.
“I wish I could have stayed longer,” she admitted. “I’m sorry about… everything. For freaking out like that and for not telling you what I was feeling sooner.”
I tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. “It’s okay, baby. I’m sorry too. That wasn’t something we’d talked about yet. Honestly, hearing it on some TV interview wasn’t the way you should have heard it for the first time either.”
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