Home Is Where You Are

by Melissa Grace

  She looked up at me with sad eyes. “If you did that you’d be no better than me, and if I let you, I’d be no better than Benton. Music is a part of you, Jax. It’s in your soul. You can’t stop. I won’t let you.”

  “So, you want to quit?” I steeled myself, the tears in my eyes causing her to look out of focus. “You want to just give up? Liv, I love you. I can’t let you go. I won’t.”

  “I can’t allow my identity to be swallowed up by another man,” she said softly.

  “Is that all I am to you?” My heart twisted, and I felt as though the wind had been knocked right out of me. “Some other man?”

  “No.” She shook her head vehemently. “I love you, Jax, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”

  “Not enough? Liv, it’s everything.”

  “I used to believe that,” she admitted. “Love is enough until it isn’t. You think it’s enough right now because maybe right now it is. But what happens when this starts to affect your career? The band’s career? What happens when you realize you want a child of your own, Jax? You say adoption will be enough for you, but what if it isn’t? What if you realize it isn’t enough for you?”

  “Liv, I—”

  “I fought too hard to get here, Jax.” Her voice sounded small and defeated. “To have what semblance of a life I have on my own with the bakery.”

  “The bakery isn’t your passion, Liv!” I shouted. “It isn’t even what you want to be doing!”

  “But it’s mine,” she countered. “Maybe it isn’t what I most wanted to do in life, but it belongs to me, and nobody but Ella and I made it what it is. Now, that’s being threatened. That’s been my livelihood, and it’s the livelihood of a lot of other people too, people who count on me. I can’t… I can’t do this, Jax. It’s too much.”

  “You don’t mean that. You don’t.” I clenched my fists at my sides, digging the tips of my fingers into my palms. I’d have taken a punch to the face or a kick in the stomach, anything to distract from the pain that settled into my chest. “You’re scared. Somehow you still think you’re not good enough. You still think you don’t deserve to be loved.”

  “I’m so sorry.” She pulled herself from my grasp, and I felt her warmth leave me all at once. Her mouth fell into a hard line as she crossed her arms protectively over her body.

  “Please,” I begged. “Don’t do this. I love you.”

  “I know,” she whispered, walking past me toward the bedroom door.

  “Turn around.” I was pleading, desperate for any last shred of connection with her. She paused in the door frame but didn’t turn. “Liv, please. Turn around.”

  She braced herself against the door frame, but still didn’t face me. “I’m going for a drive, Jax. When I get back I need you to not be here.” She started down the hall, and I went after her.

  “Please turn around.” My voice and my heart broke. “That’s all you have to do. Turn around, and we can fix this.” By the time I caught up to her, she’d grabbed her purse and keys. She had one hand on the door, and I had one hand on her. “Please, Liv. I love you.”

  “If you love me, you’ll be gone when I get back.” She didn’t look back as she sprinted down the walk—the same walkway where she’d jumped into my arms many times before. I watched as she jumped in her Jeep, and in seconds, she was gone. I closed the front door, and it felt like the walls were caving in as I slid to the floor.

  Liv, the only home I’d ever known, was gone.

  I finished packing my things in a fog of despair. My stomach felt sick when I realized I was about to leave Liv’s for the last time.

  Every moment leading up to this one replayed in my head, an excruciatingly painful montage of everything I’d lost in a matter of moments. I folded her Aerosmith shirt and held it for a moment, picturing how she’d looked the day she’d given it to me… how beautiful she’d looked, even soaked from the rain.

  I laid the folded shirt on the bed and dug her house key out of my pocket, laying it on top of the shirt. I took one last look around before rolling my suitcase into the foyer, placing it beside the large duffle I’d already set there. Mama watched with curious eyes from her spot on top of the couch. I moved to sit on the sofa, and she perked up, unsure what to think about my emotional display. I had about five minutes left until Dallas would arrive to get me. I hadn’t even told him what was happening yet. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. That would make it feel too real.

  I closed my eyes a moment and took in her orange blossom scent one more time.

  When I opened my eyes, I found that Mama had inched closer to me, her golden eyes gazing at me intently.

  “I know you didn’t like me much, Mama,” I said to her, “but I guess I came to love you and your ornery ways. I need you to look after Liv, okay? I love her so much, Mama. She’s my whole world, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live without her.” Mama tilted her head as though she was considering what I was saying. I dropped my head into my hands, my shoulders shaking.

  I felt a soft thud beside me followed by the touch of a tentative paw on my leg. I looked up to see Mama’s knowing eyes searching mine. I reached my hand out to her, and for the first time, she didn’t run. She didn’t flinch. Instead, she leaned her face into my hand, rubbing against my fingers.

  I stroked my hand down her back softly, and without warning, she put her front paws on my arm and reached up to nudge my face with hers.

  “I’m gonna miss you too,” I whispered. She purred her reply as my phone pinged with a text signaling that Dallas was here. The pit in my stomach grew because I knew that meant it was time for me to leave. I placed a soft kiss on Mama’s head. “Take care of her, Mama.”

  I stood, and Mama watched as I gathered my bags and gulped back a deep breath. I opened the door, turning the bottom lock. With one last look inside, I closed the door, leaving behind everything that mattered most to me in the world.

  Chapter 31

  Liv

  I pulled into the driveway of my bungalow and cut the engine of the Jeep, gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. Part of me hoped he hadn’t listened to a word I said. That I would walk into the house and he’d be there, but I knew that wasn’t what was best—for me or for him.

  I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the rearview mirror, my eyes swollen and red from crying. I’d only driven down to the park a few blocks away from my house because I could hardly see through my tears. I’d sat there for the better part of two hours. Ella called, and I was so hysterical I could barely tell her what happened. She wanted to come to me, but I needed to be alone.

  Part of me wanted to get Benton Wyatt on the phone and call him every name under the sun, but I knew that wouldn’t help. I couldn’t believe he would do this to me. He’d moved on with Jessica Rabbit. Why did he get off on ruining my life and hurting me?

  The more I thought about it, the more I realized it didn’t matter. If it hadn’t been Ben, it would have been someone else. Journalists dig up dirt on people all the time. I’d been living on borrowed time, and I knew it.

  Jax made me feel things I’d never felt before. I was more alive in his presence than I had been for nearly two decades, and that caused me to stop thinking clearly. My past was like a grenade, and now that it had exploded all over the internet, all I could do was try to minimize the fallout.

  The last thing I wanted was to ruin Jax’s career, but if I’d stuck around that’s exactly what would have happened. People would stop looking at him for his talent and start remembering him as the guy who took on the middle-aged charity case. Anything that reflected badly on Jax also had the potential to affect Dallas, Luca, Derek, and even Cash and Antoni.

  Then, there was the bakery. There was Ella, Grace, Katie, and everyone employed by Livvie Cakes. My name had been something I’d grown to be proud of, but no
w it tarnished the entire business.

  I spent so long trying to find even the tiniest amount of happiness in my life, any shred of normalcy. I’d been trying to find my footing now that I no longer resided in Ben’s shadow, only to find myself in Jax’s. I could have been happy there, but not at the cost of everything else. Not at the expense of Jax’s success and happiness. I knew he was devastated. Knowing how much I hurt him crushed me, but I knew that in the long run, I was doing him a favor. He would meet someone else. Someone who didn’t complicate his life. Someone who could give him everything he ever wanted and everything he deserved. He would fall in love again, and he would be happy.

  Sometimes love just wasn’t enough. I was selfish to have held onto Jax as long as I did, but dammit, being loved by him felt so good.

  Tears streamed down my face as I heard Jax’s voice in my mind.

  Turn around.

  I couldn’t turn around because if I had, my resolve would have broken. I’d have run back into his arms, and where would that have gotten us?

  Jax would have settled for a barren, middle-aged mess of a woman who would have undoubtedly ruined his entire life. I would have been the selfish bitch who placed her own happiness above so many others’ wellbeing. It was better for everyone if I disappeared from sight for a while. I’d let the media circus die down, and then I’d go back to my quiet existence. It wasn’t a bad life. I had Ella, Grace, and Katie. And Mama, of course. I’d be happy.

  Well, happy enough.

  The thought of going inside that empty house made my stomach churn. I contemplated grabbing Mama and burning the entire place to the ground. Every corner of that house was now littered with memories of Jax, but the last thing I needed was the paparazzi showing up because I’d gone nuts. Besides, no matter how painful it would be to see Jax everywhere, I couldn’t imagine not seeing him everywhere.

  With trembling hands, I gathered my keys and purse and made the short trek to the front door. Before I’d even reached the porch, I heard a yowling noise that sounded like an injured animal, crying out in pain. I paused a moment and looked around, trying to discern where it was coming from, only to realize it was coming from inside the house.

  I shoved the key in the lock and sprinted inside to find Mama howling on the other side. “Mama!” I tossed my bag and keys on the floor as I crouched down to her. She paced wildly in front of me, meowing frantically as I inspected her. There was no blood. She was moving freely and nothing appeared to be broken. “Mama, what is it?” Jax’s guitar was gone from the foyer, leaving mine looking lonely.

  She wove her little body between my feet as I stood. I looked over at the Christmas tree. Surprisingly, all of the ornaments were still intact. My old guitar was leaned against the wall near the sofa as though it were waiting for me and Jax to return to our living room writing sanctuary. I went to the kitchen to make sure she had food and water, careful to avoid stepping on her as she tried her best to entangle herself in my feet with each step I took. I looked down to see her bowls completely full, untouched even. “What’s going on, girl?” She continued her yowling as my feet carried me unwillingly to the bedroom.

  I had to see it. I had to see for myself that he was gone. Better still, I deserved to see it.

  Mama trailed my every move, her paws inches from my feet as we passed through the door. The bed was made as though we hadn’t been laying together just hours before, blissfully unaware that our world was imploding while we slept.

  My eyes immediately settled on the foot of the bed. The Aerosmith shirt I had given him was folded neatly on the comforter with my house key laying on top.

  There was no note, though it wasn’t like there was anything left to say. I’d broken his heart right here in this room only a couple of hours before. I picked up the shirt and clutched it to my chest, causing the key to fall onto the bed.

  I brought the soft cotton to my nose and breathed it in. It still smelled like him. His scent had been ingrained in the fibers of the fabric, and that was all it took to bring me to my knees. I collapsed on the floor beside a yowling Mama, sobbing with the shirt clutched to my chest.

  I almost wished the universe had never put him in my path. That I’d gone on unaware love like the kind Jax showed me existed. I almost wished I never knew what it felt like to be held by him. To be loved by him.

  Almost.

  Mama’s yowling subsided, and much to my surprise, she crawled onto my lap. She gently climbed her two front paws onto my chest, pressing her tiny head to mine. “Mama…” I brought my hand to her back, stroking her soft fur. She pulled her face away from mine and peered up at me. “You miss him too, don’t you?” She nudged my chin with her head, her unspoken answer. She curled up in my lap, and I felt the soft vibration of her purr on my legs. “I miss him too, Mama. I miss him so much.”

  I didn’t know how I was ever going to be okay again without Jax.

  All I knew was, I had to be.

  Somehow, I had to be.

  I don’t even know how long I’d been sitting there when I heard the front door slam shut.

  “Liv!” Ella called frantically, but I was weeping so hard I couldn’t answer her.

  “Aunt Liv!” Grace’s panicked voice shouted. I felt their footsteps vibrate beneath me as they ran into the room to find me and Mama in a heap on the floor. Their faces fell as they took in what a mess I was. My body trembled, physically aching to feel Jax’s arms around me again.

  Without a single word, Ella and Grace sat beside me on the wood floor. Ella had tears in her eyes as she kissed the side of my head. They bookended me and held me tight, leaning their faces into mine. I felt like I was splitting in two, and for several moments, they were the only things keeping me from falling apart. We’d all taken our turns holding each other together over the years, and I knew I’d never be able to get through this without them.

  “Have you eaten anything today?” Ella asked softly, and I shook my head in response. “Grace, would you go make something for your Aunt Liv? And pour her a glass of water. We need a minute.”

  Grace nodded and hugged me hard. “I love you, Aunt Liv.” She gave Mama a gentle scratch on the head before disappearing out of the room.

  “Guess Mama isn’t a hostile kitty after all. A standoffish little shit maybe.” Ella chuckled softly, but I couldn’t even bring myself to smile. She smoothed her hand over my hair. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Can you tell me what happened?”

  Ella wrapped me in her embrace as I wept and explained every soul-crushing detail, down to Jax begging me to turn around. I heard her sniffle as I cried in her arms. “I love him so much, Ella. I love him so much it hurts.”

  “I know, honey. I know.”

  “I don’t know what to do,” I cried. For several moments, Ella held me and let me cry. She didn’t try to fix it. She didn’t push me to talk anymore. She just sat with me and let me cry until I felt like I couldn’t cry anymore. When my breathing slowed and she felt my shoulders start to sag, she stood and extended her hand to me.

  “Come on.” She pulled me to my feet and wrapped an arm around my waist. “You don’t have to have it all figured out today. First things first, we get some food in you and maybe a few glasses of wine. We watch some horror movies because love is dead. Grace and I will make some cookies that won’t ever make it into the oven because we’ll eat the dough out of the bowl with spoons like the heathens we are. And I’m not going to leave your side. Not now, not ever. No matter what you do, you’ll never have to do it alone. Now. Food.”

  She guided me to the kitchen where Grace was making grilled cheeses. I leaned against the counter as Ella busied herself opening a bottle of wine.

  Then, I caught a glimpse of a box of Strawberry Pop-Tarts on the counter, and I felt the hot tears spill down my cheeks once again.

  I forgot he was gone as the light filtered through the blinds early the next morning
, my eyes still hazy with sleep. I forgot for one blissful second that my entire life had gone up in flames. I thought I would open my eyes to see him as I’d done so many times before.

  Only when I opened my eyes, it wasn’t Jax’s face I saw.

  Ella, Grace, and I had fallen asleep, all of us piled in my bed along with Mama sometime after the fifth Halloween movie. Thankfully, the wine had allowed me to fall into a dreamless sleep, my body finally giving in to the exhaustion. As I laid there in the early morning light, I replayed the previous day over and over in my mind.

  I leaned over Mama, pulling my phone off the nightstand. I illuminated the screen to see no missed calls or messages from Jax.

  My heart sank, even though I knew he had no reason to ever talk to me again. I knew I’d done the right thing for him. But knowing I’d never hear his laugh or look into his storm-cloud eyes again was enough to make me feel like my chest was caving in.

  My inbox and social media platforms were thousands deep with messages, probably about the dozens of press pieces I’d seen the day before. I couldn’t bring myself to look at any of them. Instead, I locked my phone and placed it back on the nightstand.

  “Hey,” Ella said, turning over to me.

  “I should go to the bakery today and try to start sorting through this mess.” I wiped at my cheeks with the back of my hand.

  “Nope,” Ella said flatly. “I’ve got it under control. You’re going to stay here. Sleep, take a bubble bath, watch more Michael Myers, whatever you need to do, but you’re not coming to the store. Grace and I are going to go home and change for work. We’ll take care of things there, and then we’ll come back over tonight, or you can come to our place if you need to get out of here. Whatever you want to do.”

  I knew she was right. Truthfully, I was of no use to anyone like this. The last thing I needed was for the paparazzi to be camped outside the store only to get a glimpse of me looking like a mess. I needed to lay low right now and let Ella handle things at the store. “I think that’s a good idea. I’ll stay with you guys tonight. I’ll need to get out of this house.”