Needlemouse

by Jane O'Connor

  Saturday 21 May

  Crystal came to help out with the hedgehogs today as she often does now at the weekend. I used to bring her here sometimes when she was little and foisted on me for babysitting duties while Millie and Kamal were busy in the shop. She used to love drawing the hedgehogs and feeding the animals, but she lost interest when she became a teenager and preferred hanging out with her friends. Now, though, she has a new-found enthusiasm for helping us in the sanctuary, and we like spending time together in a way we never have before. Jonas is delighted, because we are so short of volunteers, especially young ones, and Crystal has a lovely, gentle way about her and isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. I’m very proud of her, actually. We seem to have turned another page in our relationship since the night at the gallery. Millie and Kamal no longer loom so heavily between us and this seems to give us room just to enjoy each other’s company.

  Saturday 28 May

  An emotional day today, in so many ways.

  I went to Jonas’s by myself this morning as Crystal had some coursework to finish. Walking down to Hartland Road I heard the hum of lawnmowers and the smell of cut grass and noticed with joy the first signs of spring turning into summer. Daffodils are turning brown and tulips and bluebells have begun springing up in front gardens. The warmth of the day made it seem impossible that it had ever been so cold or that anything bad could ever happen again. When I arrived, Jonas made tea in the two new mugs that Crystal had made for us in her ceramics class.

  We sat with our drinks, warm on the bench at the back of the house looking out at the garden buzzing with bees and new life and I felt more relaxed and companionable than I had for a long time. Jonas sensed it too and he patted my knee. ‘It’s all changing for the better, lass. The hogs are out of hibernation and summer’s on its way.’

  He offered me a toffee out of a crumpled white paper bag and I shook my head out of habit. Then I found myself taking one anyway, luxuriating in the sweetness of it as I rolled it round my mouth. Igor, deeply asleep in the forget-me-nots, suddenly jumped up from his slumber and stared unblinking at the side gate, indicating that someone was coming, but it was half a minute or more until Jonas and I heard the motorbike’s mellow growl and saw it slowly pull up in the driveway.

  I watched a figure in black leathers get off the bike and kick down the stand, and wondered who on earth it could be. I knew Jonas’s youngest daughter rode a motorbike, but this person was too large to be Carrie. Someone bringing hedgehogs to the sanctuary on a motorbike would be a first, but stranger things had happened. I got up and went over to investigate our mysterious visitor. I reached the gate at the exact moment Neil pulled off his helmet. He grinned at me sheepishly as he rubbed his hands over his damp hair. The smell of him, sweat and leather, was quintessentially masculine and he undid his black jacket to reveal a white T-shirt and silver St Christopher necklace that I recalled he used to wear when we were teenagers. He stood there awkwardly as I gaped at him through the wrought-iron bars and finally said, ‘Millie told me where to find you. Can I come in?’

  Jonas was getting curious by now and shouted out, asking who it was. ‘It’s nobody, Jonas, he’s just leaving,’ I replied, removing my hand from the gate and taking a step back.

  Neil reddened and fiddled with his necklace. ‘I’m sorry, Sylvia. Let me explain. Please?’

  The memory of that evening he left me in the restaurant all those months ago flooded back and I felt the anger rising at the humiliation and upset he had caused me. I bit my lip and took a deep breath.

  ‘No need for apologies, Neil. I’m afraid you have had a wasted journey. Goodbye.’

  I turned to walk back to Jonas, dignity restored, a small victory won. Hearing the clank of the gate opening I spun round in disbelief. Surely he had not just let himself in after I had asked him to leave? In fact, it was Crystal, coursework obviously abandoned for the day, shyly edging round Neil to get into the garden and politely asking him if he’d like to come in.

  ‘I’m here to see Sylvia,’ he persisted and walked in with Crystal, who looked at me with exactly the same quizzical expression and arched eyebrow as Millie would have done. Jonas introduced himself and the two men shook hands.

  ‘Well, I need to see to the hogs,’ Jonas announced abruptly, heaving himself up from the bench. He tottered momentarily and Neil stepped forward, grasping his arm to steady him. Jonas nodded his thanks and set off towards the garage, asking Crystal to come with him to help with the cleaning out.

  ‘So, this is what you like to do,’ Neil said, glancing around approvingly, taking in the disorderly vegetable patch, blooming herbaceous borders, and various animals in hutches and runs that characterise Jonas’s garden.

  ‘It’s a hedgehog sanctuary,’ I said indicating the garage. ‘We look after sick hedgehogs and baby ones – hoglets.’

  I felt silly. Exposed. Why had he come here? If it was to laugh at me and add more spice to his story of the sad old spinster who used to spy on him then I was not going to give him any more grist for that particularly unpleasant mill. But there was something gentle and honest about his manner that made me sense that wasn’t why he had come.

  ‘That’s so cool. What a great thing to do. My little boy would love it here. He’s always wanted a pet but his mum hates animals.’

  I ignored the flutter of gratitude I felt at his approval and shifted the conversation back to its essence. ‘What is it you want, Neil?’

  ‘May I sit down?’ He pointed at the bench and I nodded, although I remained standing, holding on to the power position that Prof always aimed to achieve with his extra-high desk chair.

  He sat down and leant forward with his elbows on his knees. He ruffled his hair again and then sat bolt upright and looked at me levelly. ‘This isn’t easy for me. But I needed to come. It was unforgiveable of me to leave you like that at Stones. I would like to explain what happened.’

  ‘There’s really no need.’ I wanted to end this awkward situation. I didn’t want to be pitied or patronised or to have to make him feel better for being badly behaved.

  ‘No, there is a need, Sylvia. What happened was that my daughter’s friend called me on my mobile as I was on my way back from the bathroom. I don’t know if you remember the layout of that restaurant, but I was right near the front door at this point and our table was way at the back.’

  I looked at him, bemused, and he shook his head. ‘This isn’t making any sense I know, just hear me out. Holly, my daughter, she has panic attacks, Sylvia. Really bad ones. She thinks she’s dying; she can’t breathe, she shakes all over. She’s delicate, you know? She’s a fragile girl. She’s grown up without her mum and I’ve done my best but … Anyway, she tries hard to have a normal life. She works in a clothes shop and she goes out with her friends, but sometimes she has a meltdown and I have to get to her and look after her and take her home. And that’s what happened the night we were having dinner. She had been with her friend in a tube train that had broken down and they’d been stuck in a tunnel for twenty minutes. I know it doesn’t sound that traumatic to us, but she was in a terrible state and her friend called me and told me to come and I just dashed out so I could get to Oxford Circus and look after her. I didn’t have your number to text or ring.’

  ‘But you had time to pay the bill?’ I wanted to believe him, but this part didn’t make sense.

  ‘I literally shoved a fifty-pound note in the waitress’s hand as I ran past the front desk and said it was for table twenty-three, and to say sorry. Didn’t she tell you that?’

  ‘No, she just said you had paid the bill and left.’

  ‘I did think about coming back afterwards, or calling the restaurant after I had calmed Holly down and got her home and safely into bed, but it was so late by then, I assumed you would have left.’ I waited for him to continue, not knowing what to think.

  ‘I’m sorry it’s taken so long to get back into contact. I had to go to Japan the day after and then work went crazy. I asked Mum to
talk to Millie next time she was in her shop, but she doesn’t go to Streatham very often, only when she’s visiting her brother.’

  He was rambling now, which I took as a good sign. In my experience, people who lie tend to be economical with what they tell you, as the less they say, the less chance there is that they will expose themselves.

  I sat down next to him on the bench and he visibly relaxed.

  ‘Am I forgiven?’ he bit his knuckle in the most endearing way and I found myself laughing.

  ‘Am I forgiven for spying on you?’ I asked playfully.

  ‘What, that? I was flattered, Sylvia. I should have asked you out at the time. I was too busy perfecting my “too cool for school” image – and that was my problem: I was actually terrified of girls.’ I laughed again and he took my hand. ‘Will you let me take you out again? I will stay for the whole evening this time. Promise.’

  The invitation hung in the air as Crystal appeared out of the garage and ran towards us shouting, ‘Jonas has collapsed! He’s on the floor.’

  Neil sprang into action immediately, leaping over to the garage in two or three huge bounds. By the time I got there he was already leaning over Jonas, putting him in the recovery position and instructing Crystal to call for an ambulance.

  ‘What’s happened?’

  I stood back, horrified at the sight of Jonas prostrate on the grimy floor, his body convulsing every few seconds, his eyes half closed, mouth drooling open.

  ‘He’s having some sort of fit. Is he epileptic, do you know? Or a diabetic?’ I was grateful that Neil was taking control of the situation.

  ‘No, not that I know of.’ I racked my brain for any clues. ‘No,’ I answered more firmly this time, ‘I would know if he was.’

  Crystal looked at me imploringly after she had made the call. ‘Is he going to die, Auntie Sylvia?’

  I took her hand and held her close to me. ‘Let’s hope not, sweetheart. The ambulance will be here soon.’

  Neil continued ensuring Jonas was safe and spoke reassuringly to him until the ambulance crew arrived at the gate. I ran to it, cursing myself for not thinking of having it opened already, wasting another few seconds when Jonas was in such a terrible state. The professional urgency of the medical crew spun the scene into a surreal yet familiar trope: the oxygen mask, the barked questions, the stretcher.

  ‘I’ll go with him in the ambulance,’ I stated. ‘Crystal, can you stay here and hold the fort until I get back?’

  ‘I can’t, Auntie Sylvia.’ She looked pained. ‘I promised Dad I would help in the shop this afternoon. He has to go to the wholesalers.’

  I glared at her and was about to tell her what I thought of her priorities when Neil interjected, ‘I can stay and look after the dog and look after things here. You go.’

  I had no choice, I had to trust him. Igor was cowering under the hedgehog cages in the corner of the garage and Neil said, ‘He’ll be fine. You go with Jonas.’

  I phoned Katie from the ambulance and she met us at the hospital with Sophie and Natalie in tow. They must have been pulled out of a dance class as they were dressed in pink tutus and ballet shoes, faces anxious for news about their grandad.

  ‘Thank you, Sylvia, for coming with him. Is there any news?’ Katie squeezed my arm and we sat down on the plastic seats outside the treatment room.

  ‘They think that he’s had some sort of stroke. They are running tests now to find out for sure.’

  ‘How bad is it?’ She held her huge handbag to her chest, like a shield.

  ‘I don’t know, Katie. The doctor will be out soon. She’s assessing him. Have you rung your sisters?’ She shook her head. ‘Do you want me to?’

  She nodded slowly and handed me her phone for the numbers.

  I didn’t get back to Jonas’s until late afternoon. Carrie and Harriet had both been miles away when I called them, and Katie’s husband, Mike, was on a stag do in Prague. I couldn’t leave her and the children to deal with it alone. Eventually, Carrie dashed up the corridor in a fluster, having ridden back from a music festival in Dorset, and I slipped away with a small wave to Katie as they were hugging outside Jonas’s room. As I was waiting for a bus in the car park I saw Harriet pull into a parking space in her Range Rover and run over to the main doors, locking the car over her shoulder with an electronic fob as she went.

  The bus came almost straight away but took a torturously slow route back to Sydenham, seemingly going up every side road to pick up non-existent passengers. A large, elderly woman got on at one stop and sat right next to me, squashing me against the window, although almost every other seat on the bus was free. She launched into a monologue about her bunions playing her up and the cost of raspberries, which were her favourite fruit, and I let her go on, smiling and nodding every now and then. I recognise loneliness when I see it.

  I turned down the side path to Jonas’s back garden with bated breath, but surely Neil wouldn’t still be here? And then I saw the motorbike and my stomach jumped.

  I opened the gate and glanced around the garden. He was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he had gone, after all, but left the bike here for some reason? I went into the garage but he wasn’t there either. I would have to feed the hogs at five, I reminded myself, and tidy up the garage for the night before going home and getting my journal and the other things I needed so I could stay here for a while. I stood in the garden and called for Igor. Nothing. I sat down on the bench wearily and closed my eyes, clueless as to what to do next.

  Igor’s cold nose pressing into my hands brought me back to the moment and I opened my eyes to see Neil standing in front of me with a concerned expression on his face. ‘I took him for a walk. I hope that’s OK? His lead was in the garage.’

  ‘That’s great. Thank you. And thank you for staying,’ I was touched at his kindness and the fact that he had given up his whole Saturday to help us. ‘You can go now, Neil. You must have somewhere you need to be.’

  I wanted to release him, was embarrassed by his generosity, but it came out sounding unpleasant. He flinched and picked up his jacket from the other end of the bench where it was still sitting from this morning.

  ‘How is he?’ he asked as he zipped it up.

  ‘They think it was a stroke. They’ll know more in the morning. His daughters are there now,’ I replied.

  ‘I was happy to stay, you know. It wasn’t a problem.’ He rubbed Igor’s head and the dog responded by licking his hand and pushing against his leg.

  ‘You’ve made a friend there,’ I commented and smiled at Neil, trying to recapture something of our earlier rapport.

  ‘I’ll call you,’ he said decisively as he turned and went out the gate. I watched him put on his helmet and kick-start his bike, turning it carefully in the narrow passage before roaring off. I listened as the noise of the motorbike faded away – and then realised that he hadn’t asked for my phone number.

  Sunday 29 May

  I was woken at midnight by the ringing of my mobile and I snatched it up, expecting it to be Katie with bad news about Jonas. When Mother’s brisk voice came on the line it was something of a relief, momentarily at least.

  ‘Why are you calling so late, Mum? Is everything all right?’

  ‘No, it most certainly is not.’

  Mother was furious and I sighed as I struggled to sit up on Jonas’s saggy sofa and locate my glasses on the coffee table. ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘The man next door has been playing his music for hours at full volume. I can’t get to sleep. You have to come and tell him to turn it off.’

  ‘Have you called the police? Have the other neighbours complained? Is he having a party?’ My mind was sorting through possibilities as I tried to avoid the trip across town to come to her aid.

  ‘No, it’s not a party, and no, the others haven’t complained. I haven’t called the police. He is doing it to get his own back at me.’

  I was sitting up by now, looking out at the moonlit garden, trying to get my bearings on the con
versation and feeling a growing sense of unease. ‘What do you mean “get his own back”? For what? What did you do?’

  ‘I reported him and his vile family to the social services and the immigration office and I told him so.’

  ‘Dear God, Mother, why did you do that? What happened?’

  ‘His children were very rude to me and so was he. They were running all over my garden.’

  ‘You haven’t got a garden, Mum, you live in a flat—’

  ‘Then they pulled down all my washing and threw it in puddles.’

  I was wide awake now and standing bolt upright. ‘What are you talking about? That was something that happened years ago, when we lived in Harrow.’

  ‘I know what I saw, Sylvia. They are a bad lot, I tell you, and he is the worst of all.’ Her voice was rising to a hysterical pitch.

  ‘Mum.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I can’t hear any music.’

  She started to cry then and I told her to stay exactly where she was and I would be there as soon as I could. I dashed round getting back into the clothes I had only taken off an hour ago and splashed some cold water on my face. I needed to call a taxi, but I had no number, no internet connection, and, paralysing realisation, no cash on me. I had to ring my sister. I had no choice and I braced myself as I dialled her landline, knowing she turned her mobile off at night. Eventually it was answered by a sleepy, cross-sounding Millie. I cut straight to it.

  ‘It’s me. Mother is having some sort of confused episode; she’s in a terrible state. We need to get over there.’

  She arrived in her Mini less than twenty minutes later, a mac pulled over her purple onesie and her hair in a scruffy ponytail on top of her head. I was waiting for her outside Jonas’s, having left out food and water for Igor in case he woke up before I got back, the spare keys Katie had given me tucked in my jeans pocket.

  She unlocked the door for me and I climbed in gingerly, trying not to look her in the eye. As soon as the door had closed she sped off without a word and we drove all the way to Mother’s mansion block of flats like that, in strained silence. When we got there we stood outside the front door, each looking expectantly at the other.