Dance Like No One's Watching

by Vanessa Jones

  ‘Nettie?’ Luca’s voice echoes from down the hall. ‘Er, you might want to come here.’

  ‘No need, Antoinette.’

  I turn around to find my grandmother standing in the doorway of the kitchen, still wearing her hat and coat.

  ‘Auntie.’

  ‘You can’t take those boxes.’ She marches past me and closes the fridge door. ‘They were Anastasia’s.’

  ‘Exactly. And now they’re mine.’

  Luca’s appeared in the doorway now, looking awkward. ‘Everything OK?’

  I nod. Silently, he retreats back into the corridor. ‘I don’t know why you’re so insistent on digging up matters that don’t concern you, Antoinette.’

  The familiar rage bubbles up, starting in my stomach and travelling up to the top of my head where it explodes like a volcano. ‘What is it with all of you? Miss Duke won’t talk to me, and neither will Michael. What are you hiding? She was my mum. I have a right to know.’

  ‘If your mother didn’t tell you these things, it seems quite self-explanatory that she didn’t want you to know.’

  Her comment hits me straight in the chest. I hurry past her out of the room, gesturing to Luca, who’s hovering by the front door, to run.

  Auntie follows me. ‘You’re not taking those boxes, Antoinette. Come back!’

  We fly down the path and scramble into the car. Luca throws the last box on to my lap, starts the ignition and drives. ‘Whew,’ he gasps, checking his mirror as we speed down the hill. ‘That was a close one!’

  After the initial shock, Luca and I laugh and laugh, almost all the way home, I think out of relief more than anything. When we arrive back at the flat it takes us a few trips to get all the boxes up the stairs and into the living room. After the last one, I hug him.

  ‘Thanks. I don’t think I could have faced her on my own.’

  He waggles his phone at me. ‘No worries. I’m here if you need me – Oh, hey.’

  Alec has surfaced from his room. His face still has bed creases down one side; it’s clear he’s been asleep all day.

  ‘I thought you were out,’ I say in surprise.

  ‘No,’ Alec replies bitterly. ‘I’ve been lying in my own bed on Sunday afternoon, alone. The shame of it.’

  Luca opens the front door. ‘I gotta head – let me know if you find anything.’ He hugs me.

  ‘Will do,’ I say. I turn my head to catch Alec behind me making obscene gestures with his mouth. I give him the finger as Luca leaves.

  Alec follows me through to the living room and balks at the sight of Mum’s boxes. ‘Holy fucking Bernadette Peters, Nettie. What’s all this?’

  ‘Mum’s stuff.’

  He smiles slyly. ‘Well! Luca’s turning out to be quite the prince, isn’t he? Helping his damsel in distress.’

  ‘Alec, you’re starting to annoy me.’

  ‘Nettie, the mess in here’s starting to annoy me.’ Alec mimics my tone so well that I laugh in spite of myself.

  ‘I’ll put it all away when I’ve finished looking through it.’ I look at the pile and suddenly feel overwhelmed. What if this is it – the moment I’ve been waiting for, the information I crave? And what if – what if I can’t handle it?

  Alec puts an arm around me. ‘You’re not doing this alone. I’m calling in the cavalry.’ He pulls out his phone.

  ‘Oh, don’t bother them,’ I say. ‘Kiki’s been so busy lately. And Leon’s probably with Taro . . .’ What I really mean is that Leon’s been reluctant to spend any time with Alec lately while he asserts himself and takes ownership of his new direction. So I feel uncomfortable asking him over.

  ‘Are you kidding?’ says Alec, overly enthusiastic, even for him. ‘They’re your best friends. Of course they’d want to be here for this. Plus – rummaging through years of unseen documents to uncover the truth about a mysterious star of the ballet world? What could be more fun than that?’

  By the time Kiki and Leon arrive, Alec’s whipped up a load of macaroni cheese and a huge salad. We get them up to speed while we eat.

  ‘Seconds, Leon?’ says Alec.

  Leon shakes his head. ‘It was lovely, but I’m so full. I had a late breakfast.’ His eyes flit to Kiki, whose mouth tilts upwards in a tiny smile.

  I’m not the only one to notice.

  ‘Er, what’s that supposed to mean?’ demands Alec.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Yes it does. A “late breakfast” means just that – but a “late breakfast” accompanied by a smirk means something else. Oh my God, Leon – did you have sex last night?’

  Leon smiles. ‘Actually, Taro stayed over.’

  Alec looks genuinely shocked.

  Kiki’s grinning along like she’s watching someone watch her favourite bit in a movie. ‘It’s not the first time, either,’ she blurts out. ‘Sorry, Leon.’

  ‘That’s OK.’ He laughs, rolling his eyes at her. ‘Kiki’s basically planning our wedding.’

  ‘You never said anything,’ said Alec. ‘I had no idea you two were an item.’

  ‘Oh, we’re not,’ said Leon. ‘It’s just a casual thing.’

  ‘Ah well, I suppose you’ll be keen to practise, now that you’ve actually done it. Get yourself up to Taro’s level, as it were.’

  Why does he always have to spoil things? No wonder Leon’s been avoiding him if this is how he treats him. Kiki and I both open our mouths to bollock Alec, but surprisingly, Leon gets there first.

  ‘Oh don’t worry. He’d say I’ve already done that.’

  The best thing about the comeback is that Leon’s not at all bothered – the opposite, in fact. Alec’s clearly ruffled. Kiki and I catch each other’s eye. It’s good to see the dynamics changing.

  Kiki stands up. ‘Shall we clear up? It’s getting late.’

  ‘Yes,’ says Leon. ‘Are you ready, Nettie?’ He takes my hand, and I suddenly do feel ready. It’s the first time we’ve all been together since the party, and I’m grateful that Leon put aside his own stuff to be here for me. Maybe we can all start getting back to how we used to be last year, when it was us four against the world. But us four against my mum’s boxes is a good start.

  Everyone grabs a box and starts digging. I find a bunch of Duke’s photos. Mum’s in most of them, sometimes alone, smiling or in a ballet pose, sometimes with friends.

  ‘Wow,’ says Leon. ‘Apart from the long hair, it could be you.’

  ‘Well, and the arabesque,’ adds Alec. ‘Nettie’s not known for her lines – a fact of which I’ve reminded her on more than one occasion.’ He pokes me in the ribs, and for once, I’m grateful for the piss-take. Despite everything, he always knows how to make me feel lighter.

  ‘Where do you think this one was taken?’ I ask, pointing to a group shot taken midway through a routine.

  Alec squints at the background. ‘It looks like King’s.’

  ‘King’s?’

  ‘Duke’s has only been called that since Miss Duke took over,’ he says. ‘Before that, the school was split in two. Drama and music at the music hall; dance at the studios in Bermondsey. They’re not there now – I think they were condemned. Miss Duke managed to get some makeshift premises closer to the music hall for a few years until she acquired the new building. Then she merged the lot and started the up MT and stage managers courses.’

  ‘How do you know all that?’ I say.

  ‘Babe, everyone knows that,’ he says.

  Kiki and Leon nod in agreement.

  ‘Oh,’ I say, surprised that there’s all this secret history to Duke’s that I’ve never heard of. ‘I thought it must have been taken at college, but I don’t know exactly when she was there.’

  We continue searching through the boxes for several minutes, until I find something that almost makes my heart stop. It’s a letter, addressed to Mum.

  My dearest Ana,

  Thank you for your letters. I cherish each and every one. It feels like such a long time since we were together.

  Congratulations!
I cried when I heard your happy news. I’m so glad you’re embracing this baby for the miracle it is.

  Jerry sends his love. Ana, we’re together! After all that time being friends – I can’t believe it. I think he might be the one. I think it may be time to share my love with the world. ‘I’m ready now,’ to quote a man we both love.

  I’m so glad you’re getting better. The view from the gardens in the photograph you sent looks absolutely stunning. May your stay be short but nourishing.

  Do let me know when I can come and visit you.

  Until then, my love

  xxxxx

  ‘Who’s it from?’ says Alec, when I show him. ‘They haven’t signed it.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I reread the letter.

  ‘It sounds like maybe she was in hospital?’ says Leon.

  ‘Or . . .’ Something connects in my brain. The video. The comments from Millicent Moore last year about Mum drinking and sleeping her way to the top. The fact that I never saw Mum take so much as a sip of alcohol. ‘Rehab.’

  No one answers, but I can tell it makes sense to them, too.

  Kiki holds up the letter. ‘Who do you think it’s from?’

  ‘Well, I thought it was a boyfriend or something,’ I say, ‘but then they talk about Jerry, so it must be a woman.’

  ‘Er, excuse me?’ Alec demands. ‘Gay people did exist then, you know.’

  ‘Omigod! I didn’t even think of that! Sorry, Alec. You might be right – listen: I think it may be time to share my love with the world – “I’m ready now” – it could be a man. Like, coming out, or something?’

  ‘Yes, maybe,’ he agrees.

  I sigh. ‘Well, now it could be anyone.’

  An hour later, after finding mainly bills and a few photos of Mum dancing that make Alec shriek with joy (‘Dear God, those feet!’), Leon comes across a small bunch of letters, held together with a green elastic band.

  ‘Nettie, I think these might be worth a look.’ He waves one he’s extracted from the pile. ‘Doesn’t say who it’s from, but I think it’s the same handwriting as the one you showed us.’

  I take the letter from him and read it aloud.

  My darling Ana,

  Hope this week has been a little better. I can’t tell you how proud of you I am for tackling this head on.

  I was sad to read your latest reply. You say, quite vehemently, that you ‘will never forgive her’. Do you not think there’s forgiveness to be had on both sides? It would be devastating for it all to come to an end, after everything you’ve been through together.

  Will you let me confront her? Ask her if it’s true? What if this is all just miscommunication? If I can help salvage your friendship at all, I will. You’ve been close for too long just to give up on it.

  Love from Jerry, too. We can’t wait for you to be out. I miss your smiling face.

  All my love to you x

  ‘Seriously, who writes a letter and doesn’t sign it?’ I say. I’m almost tempted to rip it up.

  ‘Someone you’re so close to that you don’t feel the need to bother,’ says Alec, squeezing my shoulders.

  ‘Who do you think she won’t forgive?’ says Kiki.

  Long before my brain’s even connected the dots, my body has put two and two together, and I have to fight to keep the letter from shaking in my hands. But before I can vocalize my suspicions, Leon’s on to another letter.

  ‘There’s more here,’ he says, having now untied the entire bundle of letters and scanned at least half of them. ‘Read this one, Nettie.’

  My dearest A,

  Well, I did it, just as you said. I confronted her. Her first response was to ask me why you didn’t just ask her yourself, said it was between you and her, that she’d rather not air her dirty laundry with the whole theatre world. She thought you were too afraid to speak to her. She was angry, Ana – there’s no dressing it up.

  When I pressed her, she didn’t deny it. She just said, ‘Well, didn’t I have good reason?’ But I don’t think it was her, Ana. I just don’t think she’d stoop so low as to betray you like that.

  When I told her where you were, she seemed to soften. She said, and I quote, ‘I’m glad she’s dealing with things, but until she takes responsibility for her actions, I can’t make peace with her’.

  How is it going? Please reply as soon as you can. I can’t stop thinking about you.

  Yours,

  B xxx

  Air her dirty laundry – I’ve heard that phrase before. There’s only one person it could be. My heart’s racing now as I grab the letter from Leon and read through it again.

  I look up. The others are all staring, enthralled.

  ‘The person she won’t forgive . . .’ says Leon.

  ‘You think?’ says Alec.

  ‘Uh-huh,’ agrees Kiki.

  ‘Cecile Duke,’ I say. ‘It has to be. What do you think about the sender?’

  ‘At least you’ve got an initial,’ says Kiki. ‘Can you think of anyone your mum knew whose name began with “B”?’

  I shake my head. ‘I’ve no idea who she was friends with back then. I knew her friends from her book club and the mums from primary school she was close to, but that’s it.’

  The other letters are vague, more conversational. There’s one more that mentions the person we think could be Miss Duke, but only to say that ‘B’ has told her about Mum’s pregnancy, and that she had a ‘funny look in her eyes’. It’s bizarre. There’s so much I never knew about.

  ‘Must’ve been quite serious for them never to speak again.’ Alec looks at the last letter. ‘Anything else in there, Leon?’

  ‘I don’t know. Help me, will you, Alec? It’s heavy. Feels promising.’

  Leon and Alec take the box over to the sofas.

  ‘Nettie, look,’ says Kiki, sitting down next to me and putting her feet up on the sofa. ‘It’s a load of congratulations cards from when you were born! There might be something here.’

  ‘To Ana, so happy for you and your bundle of joy, much love, Sadie and Jonathon,’ Alec reads aloud. ‘Know them?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘How about Ling? Matt and Sean? Debbie?’

  ‘Nope, none of them.’

  ‘Ooh, here’s another letter!’ says Kiki, jumping up off the sofa. She passes it over to me – it’s written on expensive cream notepaper.

  Dear Ana,

  Congratulations on the birth of little Antoinette. A fitting name. I am very happy for you.

  I hope this joyful new beginning can help us put the past behind us. I am ready. Let me know when you are.

  Love,

  Cecile x

  ‘So, your mum did something to upset Miss Duke, and Miss Duke in turn betrayed her?’ says Kiki. ‘Then Cecile tried to make peace, but they never spoke again? It’s like a soap.’

  ‘Allegedly betrayed her,’ says Leon. ‘“B” thinks that she wouldn’t have, remember?’

  I lie back against the cushions. What could Mum have done that was so bad? And what was Miss Duke’s revenge? It all sounds so . . . sordid.

  ‘We’ll get to the bottom of it, Nettie,’ says Alec.

  He walks behind the sofa and rubs my head. I’m more confused than ever – finding these letters has opened up as many questions as it has answered – but knowing my best friends are here for me makes all the difference in the world. I couldn’t have opened those boxes without them.

  As the conversation drifts to other things, I watch a couple in the studio opposite being coached for their ‘first dance’. They just look so in love, the way he’s holding her, the way she’s looking at him, that it makes me ache for Fletch. I should have told him everything about Mum. He’s away, sure – and I wanted to keep things simple, but this is part of me. If I keep it from him, it’s only going to put a wedge between us.

  I text him.

  18:48

  Found out some intriguing stuff about Mum . . .

  Missed you today x

  He doesn’t reply, bu
t I can see he’s read the messages. I know he’s busy, but would a kiss be too much effort, or a ‘cool, speak later’? I’m trying really hard to stay positive, but I feel like he hasn’t got time for me any more.

  Fletch finally calls at ten past midnight.

  ‘Sorry, Nettie. The producers came in and didn’t like half of it, so we’re doing rewrites. They’ve already binned two songs that I thought were brilliant. Then they wanted to take us all out for dinner, which was awkward because the writers were pissed off about the songs being cut.’

  ‘Sounds intense.’

  ‘It was – I mean, it’s amazing being here, don’t get me wrong – but sometimes it’s hard to sit there and watch them throw away weeks of work.’

  ‘Mmn. I bet.’ A message from Luca pops up while I’m talking. I’ve been screenshotting all the letters to him for the last hour. I put Fletch on loudspeaker so that I can see what Luca’s said.

  00:10

  Luca:

  I think we need to find out who ‘B’ is. That’s our best bet.

  ‘I just . . .’ Fletch trails off. ‘Hey, you still there? I didn’t wake you up, did I?’

  ‘No, not at all. I was watching TV.’

  00:10

  I just don’t know where to start.

  ‘You OK, Nettie?’

  ‘Yeah, fine.’

  I reckon it’s someone she worked with. Narrows it down a bit. We need to find out what shows your mum was in and look through the cast lists to see if there’s anyone with that initial.

  ‘You sound a bit distracted.’

  I realize I’m not really listening to him. ‘Sorry. Long day.’