Dance Like No One's Watching

by Vanessa Jones

  A low murmur becomes excited chatter as people head back to the party.

  ‘Right, let’s get wrecked,’ says Alec, scooping up four glasses of champagne. ‘Miss Duke’ll be gone soon. We need to get started.’

  ‘What about the cameras?’ says Leon.

  ‘They’re set up in Studios Three and Six right now.’ Alec looks up the central staircase. ‘And one at the top, there. We can stick together and avoid them until they’ve gone.’

  I don’t much feel like drinking. All my plans have gone to shit. I smile at Alec, and take the champagne he’s offered me, but I don’t drink. What I really want to do is go home.

  Predictably, Alec is the first to disappear to a different part of the party. Kiki heads over to Sam and the crew not long after. Leon and Taro find a table in the corner of the foyer and are deep in conversation in minutes. Maybe Leon’s having ‘the talk’. I don’t want to encroach, so I go and listen to Luca and some of the third-year musos playing jazz versions of musical theatre songs upstairs in Studio Four. The tables are decorated with lanterns, each containing a flickering candle – you know, the kind of place that would be perfect to be with your boyfriend.

  As I watch Luca play, I wonder what I was thinking downstairs. Maybe I was just confused and angry about Fletch not being there, and then Luca turned up all handsome and talented and complication-free and my brain went straight to snogging? That’s reasonable, right? He’s a nice boy who I just happen to have kissed, not someone I’m crushing on. I need to give myself a break. Yeah, OK – Luca and I are spending more time together, and we really bounce off each other at rehearsals, and he’s attractive and talented . . . but we’re friends. I can appreciate all of those things but still know where to draw the line, right?

  ‘Watching your boyfriend?’

  ‘Awww, so sweet.’

  Lucinda and Florinda – aka Jade and Natasha – have crept up behind me, a mass of hair and feathers like Strictly on acid. A bad trip.

  I don’t turn around. ‘I’m not in the mood.’

  ‘Was Princess Nettie feeling lonely while her real boyfriend was away?’ says Jade nastily.

  ‘Can’t bear not to have all the attention all of the time,’ Natasha adds, sitting down next to me and fingering my sleeve. ‘Nice dress, Nettie – although . . .’

  ‘What are you doing?’ I say, shrugging her off violently.

  ‘I was just thinking about that beautiful yellow gown you wore last year,’ she says, smirking. ‘Much nicer than this pathetic effort.’ Says the girl in neon marabou.

  ‘Such a shame it got spoilt,’ says Jade. ‘If I remember correctly, there was some kind of silly little accident involving wine . . .’ She holds her glass dangerously over me.

  This is ridiculous. I don’t even know what’s going on. Last year Jade was under the false impression that she and Fletch were about to become an item and was furious that I’d been talking to him all night. What’s her excuse this year?

  ‘What – you’re gonna do it again?’ I say. ‘Go on, then.’

  As I stand up to face her and Natasha, I realize they’re wearing mics. Not only that, but there’s a camera pointing directly at us through the studio doorway. Suddenly it all makes sense.

  ‘Just leave me the fuck alone.’ I push past them (and the camera) and go downstairs. This is turning out to be the worst night.

  I plonk myself at the champagne bar in the foyer and take a glass from the waiter, who has carefully plucked it from the beautiful tower he’s zealously tending to. All of this is so amazing – like what party has a champagne bar, for God’s sake? – and I can’t even appreciate any of it because I’m so angry. At Jade, at Sam, at Fletch . . .

  The night before we started back at Duke’s, Fletch asked me if we’d be OK if one of us went away. I answered yes without even considering that it might be difficult. I thought that being in love with each other would be enough, that it was our protection against all those external things that split couples up – growing up, growing apart, having separate lives . . . But now? The minute we burst our bubble, things got hard. It shouldn’t have to be like this.

  I spot Alec on the other side of the foyer, flirting outrageously with a handsome guy who I think works for one of the big casting directors, India Lovejoy. From what I can tell, he’s doing all his best moves, but the guy just smiles politely and excuses himself. I watch as Alec furiously drains his drink and reaches for another. He downs that, and then, swaying slightly, heads over to where Leon and Taro are talking.

  I should intervene, shouldn’t I? But Alec’s been so great lately, I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything to damage the progress he’s made with Leon. But his tongue does loosen when he’s drunk. Oh, you know what? I’m not getting involved. I’ve got enough of my own shit going on. Avoiding them, I go back up to Studio Four, where the jazz has finished but some of third-year musicians are still playing, joined by some second-years on strings.

  ‘Nettie!’ Luca calls me from over by the bar. ‘Where did you go? They’re about to start a reel.’

  He points over to where the musicians have gathered. A third-year is lifted on to a chair and shouts to the fifty-strong crowd. ‘OK, everyone – find your partners and get into groups of four. We’re going full-out Pride and Prejudice tonight, and I want everyone to end up with their Mr Darcy.’

  ‘Shall we dance? I won’t embarrass you, I promise.’ Luca smiles at me.

  ‘I’m not really in the mood for dancing, Luca.’

  ‘Yeah, but listen! First one sounds like a polka. Perfect for bad moods.’

  The band does sound ridiculously jolly. It would be silly to stand in the corner. ‘Oh, go on, then,’ I say with my first real smile of the evening. I let Luca lead me to the middle of the room.

  One couple at a time gallops down a centre aisle. It’s quite energetic, and I’m sure the only thing in the room shinier than my face right now is the disco ball suspended from the ceiling. Just then, Kiki appears, dragging Leon in by his tie. In an uncharacteristic fit of aplomb, he sweeps her into his arms and carries her on to the dance floor. She giggles and throws her head back. Wow, I guess the talk with Taro went well, and Alec must have behaved. I beam at them and wave.

  Luca and I take our turn, laughing as the rest of the dancers clap us down the aisle in time to the music. He was right – it was perfect for my bad mood.

  ‘You’re good!’ I shout, as he takes my arm and skips around me.

  ‘Turns out I’m better suited to galloping than Fosse,’ he yells with a wink.

  Watching him dance across the floor so full-out-with-feeling, honestly I’m laughing so much that it’s hard to get air. It’s such a riot that we miss hands at one point and my bracelet breaks and falls on the floor.

  ‘Oh no!’ I say. ‘This was Mum’s.’ I stop to pick it up.

  ‘Let me see if I can fix it,’ says Luca. I hand the bracelet to him. ‘Yeah, it’s just the clasp. I can do that at home for you.’

  ‘Thanks, Luca.’ Last year Mum’s dress got ruined; this year her bracelet’s broken. It’s hard not to see that as a sign.

  ‘Watch out.’ Luca pulls me out of the way of the next couple.

  We go back to dancing and I try not to feel sad about ruining yet another thing of Mum’s at a Duke’s ball. The next reel is much slower, and couples are required to weave in and out of each other elegantly, returning to their original partners. Luca smiles his cutely awkward half-smile at me.

  ‘I’ll probably step on your foot,’ he says.

  ‘Wrong and Strong,’ I say, smiling. ‘It’s OK.’

  The violin starts up and we walk around each other, our hands pressed together. Luca’s about to say something but is cut off by a familiar voice.

  ‘Excuse me – do you mind if I cut in?’

  I turn to see Fletch standing behind Luca, smiling at me, his brown eyes twinkling. He’s still wearing his leather jacket and jeans, looking every bit the James Dean in a roomful of suits. The turmoil of
the last three hours melts away; our argument fades. As I smile back at him, it’s like the rest of the room has disappeared.

  Luca steps back, patting Fletch on the back with a grin. We circle each other, sparks flying as our palms touch.

  ‘I thought you weren’t coming.’

  He laces his fingers through mine, sending a thrill down my spine. ‘And miss being here with you?’

  ‘How did you get away?’

  ‘I just . . . told them. Turns out they’re just humans, like us. We got most of it down before I left.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re here.’ We’re dancing much closer than is proper for a Georgian reel. I can feel the heat from his body.

  ‘Sorry about how I look,’ he murmurs. ‘I’ll go and get changed in a minute. I just wanted to see you as soon as possible.’

  ‘You’re perfect just as you are,’ I whisper.

  We’ve stopped dancing now, our faces almost touching, our breathing synchronized.

  ‘Only when I’m with you,’ he says, and as his lips touch mine, I forget about everything else.

  CHAPTER 16

  Fletch looks so cute when he’s sleeping. Sometimes, when he’s lying on his front, arms relaxed over his head and his face a little squashed on to the pillow, the temptation is real to get my phone out and start snapping. I wonder if he’s staying for the whole day. We didn’t talk last night; we both knew there was stuff we needed to say but didn’t want to spoil the moment. Now it feels like the moment’s passed.

  It’s only eight o’clock. I can’t go into the living room. Kiki and Leon stayed over last night and they won’t appreciate being woken up. Maybe I could sneak past them, grab a juice and get back to bed without disturbing them.

  As I slip through the nearly closed door (it’s old, and creaks if you open it past about thirty degrees), I notice that the living room is empty. That’s weird. Fletch and I left the ball before the others last night, but Kiki had a key for her and Leon.

  I grab my phone from the table and start flicking through it while I put the kettle on. I’ve got so many messages, the first from Leon at about midnight.

  00:03

  Leon:

  I’m not coming back now.

  Going home. Call me when you’re awake x

  Why would he go home? All his stuff’s here. Maybe Taro went back to the flat with him?

  Alec’s messaged me on Snapchat about sixty-seven times. There are several photos of him pouting with various drinks in his hand and a slew of messages starting at about 2.30 a.m.

  02:36

  Alec:

  Not coming home tonight babe wink wink

  Can’t find Kiki

  Can you tell her she can have my room

  It’s ok, found her

  What the hell happened? With a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, I call Leon.

  He answers straight away. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hey. I thought you were staying here?’

  ‘It’s – it’s complicated. I’m outside, actually. Can you come down? And bring Kiki?’

  Fletch is still asleep. I want to creep back to bed and snuggle back down in the nook of his shoulder. But something in Leon’s voice worries me. I don’t even know if he had the talk with Taro last night, but something’s wrong. If I don’t at least go down and make sure he’s OK, I can’t keep calling myself his friend.

  ‘Er, sure.’ Hastily, I scribble a note for Fletch explaining where I am and leave it on the pillow, quietly throw some trainers on and knock on Alec’s door.

  Kiki’s just finished getting dressed. ‘He called me.’ She looks as worried as I feel.

  Together, we slip downstairs. Leon’s sitting on the steps of Pineapple. His eyes are unusually puffy. We run over to him.

  ‘Are you OK?’ I say. Leon’s usually so level-headed, and as he shakes his head, I realize I’ve never seen him like this before. What could have happened that was so bad?

  ‘I need to talk to you both.’

  ‘OK,’ says Kiki. ‘We’re here for you.’

  Oh my God, I feel nervous for him, and I don’t even know what it’s about. We sit either side of him and each take one of his hands, which are cold and shaking.

  He takes a deep breath. ‘Right. So Taro and I were having a great time last night – but I wanted to give him a little space to be with the third-years, it being their last ball and all that, before I tried to talk to him about our relationship. Then, Kiki, you dragged me upstairs to dance, remember?’

  ‘Yes,’ says Kiki, her eyes fixed on his anxiously.

  ‘Well, I thought I’d just catch up with him later. How long were we up there? An hour?’

  ‘I think it was more like two,’ she says. ‘Way after Nettie and Fletch left.’

  ‘Right?’ he says. ‘So when I came back downstairs, he wasn’t there. Obviously – It’s not like I expected him to be there waiting patiently or anything. I’m not Alec. But it was so loud and busy, and full-on with all the industry people, that the thought of going into the crowd to look for him kind of filled me with dread. I just needed five minutes on my own, to recharge.’ He takes in another deep breath. ‘So I went up to the library. It was piled high with all the crap from every room they wanted to hide for the Duke’s party, like a big Les Mis barricade at the far end of the room, you know?’

  Always appreciative of a musical theatre reference, I nod enthusiastically, wondering where any story can possibly be going that finishes in a deserted college library. ‘Just to clarify – you were in the library in the dark?’ I say. ‘It’s kind of eerie up there at the best of times.’

  ‘It was completely dark,’ he says. ‘The only light was from the lamps in the square. I went round the pile of tables and boxes to the window. Then the door opened and I heard . . . something. I peered through a gap in the barricade and saw Taro.’

  ‘Taro?’ says Kiki. ‘What was he doing up there?’

  Leon takes a shaky breath in. ‘He was with Alec.’

  I nearly choke on the cold December air. ‘With Alec?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘Were they . . . ?’

  ‘Of course they were,’ he says bitterly. ‘And I was trapped beyond the fucking barricade. I had to stay there until they’d left.’

  We’re both stunned to silence. I never thought Alec would stoop that low. After a moment I say, ‘I’m really sorry, Leon. I don’t know what to say. Alec’s got a lot to answer for.’

  Kiki nods angrily. ‘He knew you were into Taro.’

  ‘Do you know what, Kiki? I like Taro – he’s cute and we have a nice time – but I’m not sure I’m really into him. I know I was going to have the “boyfriend chat”, but I wasn’t a hundred per cent sure. Alec didn’t know that, though, when he slept with him.’

  I’m furious with Alec. He knew exactly what he was doing. What is going on with him? Not just last night, but generally lately? I take Leon’s hand. ‘Have you . . . heard from Taro?’

  ‘I messaged him. While I was in the library. Said I thought it was getting too intense and that we should cool things off. I didn’t want to lose face. He just said, “OK, cool” – I mean, later, obviously, not while he was shagging my best friend.’ He lets out a hollow-sounding laugh. ‘I suppose at least I didn’t try to have the talk with him. That would have been really humiliating. God, what a mess.’

  Leon insists he doesn’t want to come up, so Kiki and I hug him goodbye. He heads off down to Covent Garden, after arranging to meet Kiki there later, once she’s grabbed all her things from the flat.

  ‘What a fucking shitshow,’ says Kiki.

  ‘I’m so angry with Alec, I don’t even know where to begin, to be honest,’ I say.

  Alec appears round the corner, dressed in an Arsenal hoody and joggers. Not his.

  ‘Hi, chickens,’ he says. ‘Early class?’ He slings a carrier bag full of clothes on to the steps of Pineapple.

  ‘Where have you been?’ demands Kiki, even though her voice says she knows full well
where he’s been.

  ‘Out, Mum,’ says Alec.

  ‘Do you mean at Taro’s?’ I say.

  Alec sighs, like he’s been waiting for this. ‘I’m not going to apologize for being horny,’ he says. ‘We’re both free agents.’

  ‘But you knew Taro was seeing Leon!’ I say.

  ‘They’re not exclusive,’ replies Alec. ‘Taro told me that last night. Anyway, Leon finished it with him.’

  I know for a fact that Leon didn’t message Taro until after he’d seen them together, but obviously I can’t say anything that will give this away. Ugh. I can’t believe the nerve of him.

  While I’m formulating the right words, Kiki basically explodes. ‘And what about Leon? The fact that your best friend has been seeing this guy for nearly three months? It didn’t occur to you that maybe – just maybe – you shouldn’t be going there? Did you check how he felt about the whole thing?’

  ‘I did,’ said Alec. ‘Last week. I asked Leon if it was the big L.O.V.E. He told me not to be so ridiculous, that it was just a bit of fun. Basically gave me the green light.’

  ‘You think that’s a green light?’ says Kiki irately. ‘You’re disgusting. I’m going after Leon.’ She storms into the flat.

  Alec looks at me like he’s expecting me to back him up. I mean, what the actual hell?

  ‘Alec, I don’t know why we’re having to explain this to you, but you don’t just sleep with someone who’s involved with your friend, however casual they may make it seem,’ I say angrily. ‘You betrayed him.’

  He genuinely seems taken aback by my reaction. ‘I think that’s a little strong—’

  ‘Leon was about to ask Taro to be his boyfriend,’ I say, cutting off whatever bullshit he was about to come out with.

  Alec shrugs. ‘That’s not what he told me last week.’

  ‘So? You’ve known him for ten years, Alec!’ I yell, causing the studio receptionist to look up in alarm from the foyer. ‘Surely even you must know that Leon doesn’t always broadcast his feelings? How can you be so insensitive?’