Dance Like No One's Watching

by Vanessa Jones

  As the girls round starts, my nerves are electrified; I scan the audience roughly where I think Fletch should be sitting, but it’s too dark and I can’t see him. How must it feel for him right now, watching the last awards at his time at Duke’s, knowing he should have been part of them? Is he sad? Or has he moved on?

  I want him to be proud of me so badly it actually makes my stomach hurt. This song is going to be so difficult for me. I need to know he’s there, supporting me, loving me.

  Wow. All the emotions. I need to calm down. Or go method and try to channel it. ‘Think of Meryl Streeeeeep,’ or something.

  I meet Leon on the backstage crossover as I go over to stage left. There’s only a second to congratulate him as we pass; we’ll do all that later. Right now, I need to focus.

  My name is announced; I step out on to the stage knowing that the whole college, half the industry, and – later – several million people will be watching. My left knee’s trembling. It’s a hangover from last year, when I couldn’t sing at all without completely going to pieces – my body seems programmed to react that way now. But I can’t let it win this time. Steph’s watching from the third row; she nods her head slowly and puts her fingertips together. Kiki and Leon are in the wings – I can just make out the shape of their heads in the darkness. Alec’s on the other side . . . Where’s Fletch sitting? Will I make it through? All these thoughts are whizzing around my brain at once, shouting to be heard. For extra added fun, there’s a camera pointing at me from the front row. My cheek twitches. Mum’s face flashes before my eyes as I wait for the intro, and I feel overwhelmed.

  I can’t do this.

  I can’t sing this song about her, right here in front of all these people. Oh, God.

  Sam gives me an encouraging thumbs-up from downstage left.

  It’s the gift I need. Not because I’m suddenly instilled with a newly blossoming confidence I didn’t have a second ago, but because it makes me so angry that I forget to be nervous. Was that what she was hoping – to get me to break down mid-song? Well, fuck her. The fear and grief drain, like a plug’s been pulled, and are replaced with something more like fire. Don’t assume you know how I’m feeling, Sam. And don’t pretend to be my friend.

  I don’t remember much about my performance, apart from the fact that it’s the end now and I feel good. Kiki and Leon are mouthing ‘Smashed it!’ in the wings, and the audience seems to have liked it. I see Miss Duke slow clapping, like she’s all proud and moved, but I can’t take that as an indication of how good I was because Sam probably told her to do it. But there is one thing I am certain of: Sam wanted me out of control, in tears. She wanted all those moments from last year that she missed, when I was grieving for Mum and couldn’t sing. She tried to manipulate me by making me sing something she knew would be difficult. But unfortunately for her, I killed it. I took back control, and for a minute up there, it felt amazing.

  After everyone has performed, we all gather onstage in a line to wait for the results. I notice Leon is shaking next to me and I grip his hand in solidarity as the curtain goes up.

  The dancing is announced first. Alec smiles politely when his name is called out as runner-up, but I can tell the way his cheek is pulsing that he’s livid at losing out to a first-year fresh out of White Lodge. Ordinarily, I’d have been disappointed for him, and I am to some extent. He was amazing. But I also feel like maybe it’ll do him some good. Karma’s a bitch.

  When it comes to the boys singing round, I grip Leon’s hand tighter. Surely he knows what’s coming.

  ‘And the winner is . . . Leon Adigwe!’

  He freezes. I release his hand and give him a nudge. ‘Leon! Step forward!’

  He does, looking up into the light like he can’t believe what’s happened to him. I watch his silhouette, like a cut-out against the dazzle of light beyond him, join the front line with the other winners, and feel so happy that he’s had this recognition of his gorgeous talent.

  Then girls jazz is announced. I look at Kiki, and I can see that even though she’s probably picking apart her performance, she knows that she deserves this. Maybe this win will be the thing to give her back her confidence after the knock she’s just suffered.

  ‘Jade Upton!’

  No.

  There’s actually a gasp from the audience as Jade’s name is called out. Kiki flashes Sam the quickest of looks as Jade steps forward looking every bit like she knew all along that she was going to win. Surely Kiki can see what’s going on here? Anger wells up inside me and suddenly I’ve got an urge to run to the front, grab the mic off the stand and tell everyone that it’s all a fix. No one deserved to win more than Kiki. She’s diligent, dedicated and so, so talented. How dare Sam do this to her?

  I’m so busy thinking about Kiki that I’m not listening to the judges and I miss the next thing they say. Poppy McAllister steps forward, smiling to be runner-up.

  And then my name is called.

  I did it. I’ve won.

  A cheer goes up, and I tiptoe to the front, hardly daring to believe it.

  But only for a moment. As I take my bow, everything suddenly feels fake. Sam thinks I make good telly. It’s clear Jade’s victory was a fix – what’s to say Sam didn’t have a hand in me winning? Is this whole thing just a charade now? Leon smiles and takes my hand as I return to the line and take my place next to him. I scan the audience, hoping for a glimpse of Fletch. Just to feel his arms around me would be everything right now. Something real, not this circus I’m starring in. To know that we’re still good, that he’s proud of me. To know that he still loves me. But my desperately searching eyes can’t find him . . .

  After the results, backstage is chaos. People dash everywhere, congratulating each other. Alec hangs back, hiding from the cameras. I hug Leon but then quickly lose him to a crowd of adoring fellow students. I leave him to his newfound fame and follow Kiki as she heads up to our room.

  ‘Well done, babe. You were brilliant.’ She’s halfway up the first flight of stairs, already pulling off her costume straps and tucking them under her arms.

  ‘You too,’ I say. ‘How do you . . . feel about Jade?’

  I notice she speeds up slightly. ‘She must have been better than me.’

  ‘Are you kidding? She wasn’t even close.’

  ‘Well, she won.’

  ‘Yeah. About that.’

  Kiki stops so abruptly that I almost crash into the back of her. ‘If you’re going to use this as a way of dragging Sam, forget it. Honestly? She probably did suggest Jade should win, and I’m sure Miss Duke went for the idea, providing they could make Jade look good onscreen. That’s just how show business is, Nettie. And, no, I’m not going to ask her about it. It’s her business. The exposure I’m getting from the TV show is enough for me, and I don’t want to jeopardize that, especially when Sam was so good earlier about letting me get my side of the story over with the clothing line, which she didn’t have to do. People will see my dancing on next week’s show. They can make up their own minds.’

  I take a moment to let it sink in. It’s Kiki’s moment that got stolen, not mine. I guess it’s up to her how she reacts.

  ‘Look, I get it,’ I say eventually, extending a placatory hand to Kiki’s arm. Kiki smiles. ‘I just don’t like it. You’re the winner I choose.’ I take her hand, and her strap dislodges from under her arm. We both giggle.

  She puts it back in her armpit. ‘Thanks, babe. You’re mine, too. Forever.’

  The after-show party’s in full swing front of house by the time I get back down. Fletch hasn’t messaged me, and he wasn’t at stage door. Not that I expected gushing adoration, but he did just watch me win a competition. A ‘well done’ might have been nice. All night I’ve been desperate to see him, and now I can’t find him. A little put out, I get myself a drink and sit down at the stalls bar on my own, trying to channel Patti LuPone in any of her Company incarnations but feeling more like the party loner.

  Fletch and Alec appear together
from the empty auditorium. I slide off the barstool (not at all like Patti) and walk over to them, ignoring Alec as much as I can.

  ‘I couldn’t find you,’ I say to Fletch. ‘Where’ve you been?’

  He doesn’t hug me like he usually does. ‘I’ve—’

  ‘I just found him, talking to Michael about how amazing you were,’ Alec says.

  ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d made it,’ I say again to Fletch, turning my back on Alec. Why won’t he get the message? I don’t want to talk to him.

  Fletch opens his mouth, but Alec jumps in again. ‘Got here just in time to see you perform. Didn’t you, Fletch?’

  ‘Nettie, you were amazing,’ Fletch finally says, kissing me, although I notice his eyes flicker to Alec, who shrugs and walks out. ‘God, I’ve missed you.’

  He cups my face in his hands, as if trying to block out everything else, and kisses me again. It’s like the stress and angst of the last few weeks disappears, and we’re just us again. Like this is how it really is between us, and everything else was just a bad dream.

  I realize how much I’ve missed him.

  A couple of hours later, Alec’s downing the gin and tonics alone on a barstool at the stalls bar like Mary in Merrily We Roll Along, Kiki’s dancing with Leon, and Fletch and I are snuggled in the corner together.

  ‘Kiki was amazing, wasn’t she?’ I say to Fletch, watching her party with Leon. Fletch gently pulls my face back to his, like he wants all my attention. It’s cute.

  ‘You’re amazing,’ he says, and kisses me.

  ‘But don’t you think she should have won?’ I say, backing away so that I can see his face properly. ‘It was definitely a fix.’

  He’s not biting. ‘I think you’re beautiful, is what I think.’

  He kisses me again, and this time I don’t pull away. It’s the perfect end to the evening. I know that Fletch and I have got things to work through, but tonight is proof that we’re still worth fighting for. We’re going to get through this.

  I put my forehead against his. ‘Thank you for coming tonight. Knowing you were watching made me feel braver.’

  He doesn’t reply; he kisses me instead. For a second I’m distracted by the softness of his lips and the feel of his arms around me. Then I try again.

  ‘Fletch, I’m sorry I haven’t involved you in all the stuff about Mum as much as I could. I was trying to keep everything simple because you were so busy and stressed, but I should’ve been more honest about it. As long as we’re truthful with each other, even if we’re miles away and stressed and missing each other, we’re going to be fine.’

  ‘Exactly.’ He holds me closer. ‘I’m going to do better from now on,’ he murmurs. ‘Nettie, you’re everything to me, and I’m not going to let you down again.’ His lips brush mine, and I feel like I never want to let him go.

  Jade bursts through the door at midnight like Maleficent, looking a little worse for wear.

  ‘Hi,’ she says. She’s smiling, but it’s coming over as a snarl. ‘Well, isn’t this nice?’

  Why do I get the feeling this has something to do with me?

  Jade staggers over to us, grabbing Leon’s shoulder on the way for support. She reaches the bar, puts her hand out to lean on it and misses, making her stumble on to the floor. Fletch offers his hand to her, which she takes.

  ‘My prince,’ she says.

  ‘Erm, do you need some water, Jade?’ says Fletch warily.

  ‘Oh, Fletch. Always so caring. Shame it’s wasted on that.’ She looks pointedly at me. ‘I’m surprised you’re still talking to him, after he missed your little song.’

  I stare at her, a little foggy from the booze myself. ‘What?’

  Alec steps in. ‘Shut up, Jade.’

  ‘You’re cute.’ Jade smiles at him spitefully. ‘I heard you guys talking after the show.’ Alec swallows. She turns to me, her eyes flashing maliciously. ‘He was so cut up about missing your performance. Didn’t know how he was going to tell you. Alec came to the rescue, though – didn’t you, sweetie?’

  ‘You’re vile,’ says Alec to Jade. ‘Just fucking get out of here.’ He glances at Fletch, who’s speechless.

  ‘Gladly,’ she says happily. She reaches across and ruffles Fletch’s hair. ‘Shame. We could have been so good together.’ And with that, Jade sweeps out.

  I look at Fletch in confusion.

  ‘What’s she talking about? You saw me sing, didn’t you?’

  ‘I—’ Fletch puts his hand through his hair and grabs at it. ‘I’m sorry, Nettie. I missed you.’

  ‘What?’

  His eyes shift to Alec briefly, before settling back on me. ‘I watched a recording of you on Alec’s phone. I meant what I said about you being amazing – even on the small screen, I could tell that.’

  Everyone’s staring at us now. I can’t get this straight in my head.

  ‘But you said – You told me you were there.’

  ‘I’m sorry – I didn’t want to unnerve you by saying I was running late. But then the A3 was closed, and I got diverted, and it was wet . . . I’m sorry. I should have been there.’

  He’s missing the point here. ‘It’s not that, Fletch,’ I say, stung. ‘You lied to me. Again.’

  I pick up my bag and reach for my coat on a nearby barstool, and Alec goes to stop me. ‘Don’t you fucking dare say a word, Alec. You’ve done enough. Get out of my way.’

  He freezes. I’ve never spoken to him that way. I push past him and start to move.

  ‘Where are you going?’ says Fletch, standing up as I try to button up my coat with shaking fingers.

  ‘Home, Fletch.’

  ‘But you’re meant to be coming back to mine.’

  ‘Well, you’ll just have to pretend I did. Shouldn’t be hard – you’re good at making stuff up.’ I turn and leave the theatre bar, ignoring the cameras that have appeared out of nowhere.

  I feel utterly betrayed.

  This is the second time Fletch has lied and hidden something from me – and with Alec, too. How could he say he’d watched me, when he hadn’t? He knew how angry I was after he’d lied about the placement in Chichester. He promised he wouldn’t do that again, but here we are again. And there I was, saying sorry for not being upfront about the stuff with Mum while he was literally lying to my face. If Jade hadn’t overheard them, they’d both still be lying to me. I wouldn’t expect any less of Jade – but my boyfriend? What the fuck is with him?

  I march up Tavistock Street, the wind pushing hot tears back to my temples. My phone buzzes with a notification.

  00:17

  Kiki:

  Are you OK, babe?

  I reply to let her know I’m headed home and that I need some space. But when I get to the flat, I discover that I don’t have my keys to get in, only my key to Fletch’s flat. For fuck’s sake, what do I do now? Going back to the theatre isn’t an option. Even if I could find Kiki or Leon without bumping into Fletch or Alec, I’m not ruining what’s left of their night by asking to stay at theirs.

  00:29

  Missed calls log:

  Fletch (7)

  00:29

  Fletch:

  I’m sorry, Nettie.

  I’m too angry to accept his apology.

  00:30

  Fletch:

  I didn’t want to disappoint you again.

  Ugh, I’ll have to go back to Fletch’s. Hide in Seb’s old room – I don’t know. This is a disaster.

  00:31

  Fletch:

  I fucked up. I’m sorry.

  I put on Do Not Disturb and order an Uber, which arrives almost immediately. The driver can see me crying in the back, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s probably seen loads of drunk girls sobbing their way home. Fletch calls me nine more times. Why won’t he just leave me alone?

  I’m such a pathetic teary mess that I don’t even notice the lights on in the flat.

  On the doorstep, I fumble with the keys and let myself in.

  ‘Nettie!’ Luca�
�s in the living room, sitting on the sofa calmly with a cup of tea, everything about him a complete contrast to the chaos I’ve just left. He’s such a welcome, warming presence that I’m able to calm down a little in the doorway.

  He stands up. ‘What are you doing here? Are you . . . OK?’ he adds, staring with concern at my face.

  I catch a glimpse of my mascara-stained cheeks in the mirror. My teeth still chattering from the cold (and the adrenaline), I rub under my eyes outward towards my hairline and sink down into the sofa. ‘I had a fight with Fletch. Why aren’t you at the party?’

  ‘Didn’t feel like it,’ he says with a shrug. ‘Whole thing seemed like a circus tonight.’

  ‘Yeah – with Kiki losing out to Jade? I couldn’t believe that.’

  ‘Miss Duke made a big mistake letting the cameras in. Sam’s fucked with everything . . . Kettle’s still hot. I’ll make you a tea. Here.’ He grabs a blanket from the back of the sofa and throws it around my shoulders.

  I clutch it gladly, realizing how cold I am. ‘Thanks.’ I get up and follow him out to the kitchen to wait while he makes the tea. Then we sit down at the table together.

  ‘Want to talk about it?’ he says.

  I give him a grateful smile. ‘Fletch didn’t make it in time to watch me,’ I say. ‘But that’s not the problem. The problem is that he and Alec concocted some story and lied to me. If Jade hadn’t taken great delight in telling me that she’d overheard them scheming, I’d still be none the wiser.’

  ‘Oh. Yeah. I get why you’d be upset,’ says Luca, nodding, his eyes full of concern. ‘I mean, I think it comes from a good place, but that was a bad choice on Fletch’s part.’

  ‘It’s not just that,’ I say, feeling warm new tears pile on top of the cold ones clinging to my eyelashes. ‘We haven’t been good for weeks. I know he’s trying to hide it, but Fletch is really bothered about . . .’ I trail off.