When Snowflakes Never Cease (Crossroads Collection)

by Amanda Tru

  Just because I forgive him doesn’t mean I have to open up for him to hurt me more. It just means I can be free to be who I am instead of the bitter, mean person I am allowing the hurt to make me.

  Ok, Lord. I’ll try it your way. But I’ll need a little strength to actually get it done.

  With a deep breath, she held the paddle out to Carter, and she didn’t even try to smack him with it. “Here you go, Carter. It’s your turn now. I’ll trade you places.”

  Carter looked at her in surprise. “Tired of paddling already?”

  “No. Paddling is more fun than just sitting there, but I want to make sure you get a turn.”

  Carter’s hand clasped around the paddle, and Geneva stood to maneuver around him. Just then, the raft took a dip, and Geneva landed quite ungracefully right in Carter’s lap. His hands came around her, preventing her from spilling out and possibly tumbling overboard.

  The same awareness from earlier immediately spun a web of tension around them. The points where his hands touched her burned. She scrambled, trying to right herself. She gained enough balance to get away from him, but the jostling only brought her closer with his face next to hers and her arms around his neck. Now, feeling as if her whole body were on fire with his proximity, she rolled off him, bumping into Josh’s arm in the process.

  The impact shot Josh’s own paddle out of his hands and into the water.

  Josh made one desperate lunge for it, his fingers just tickling the yellow shaft enough to tip it completely into the river where it quickly parted ways with the raft.

  Wordlessly, Josh, Carter, and Geneva watched the paddle’s final ride through the white-laced gray billows of the churning river. Soon, the waters swallowed the bit of yellow up completely, the current moving as it always did, pretending as if the brightly-colored intruder had never trespassed to begin with.

  Without a single word, Carter handed Josh the paddle he still carried in his hand.

  Josh accepted it but waited until Geneva and Carter took their seats. Geneva meekly took the middle seat, and Carter perched on her vacated seat at the edge, not that it did him any good without a paddle.

  Scolding both of them with a disapproving stare, Josh finally took his position to stroke the water with the remaining paddle.

  The rest of the raft trip passed uneventfully with a very subdued Carter and Geneva. Though they didn’t speak another word, Josh recovered quickly and was soon back to laughing and hollering in tune with every bump of the raft.

  When the raft turned a bend, and the dock finally came into sight, Geneva felt such relief that she really wanted to jump and swim for their destination, just to get off the raft two minutes sooner.

  Instead, she waited patiently for her turn to disembark, and then she trudged up to the raft office and paid for the missing paddle. When she got back to the raft, Josh was still chatting up the guide, but Carter was nowhere in sight. Relieved that he’d left with everyone else, Geneva waited for Josh. When he finally bid the guide farewell, Josh threw an arm around Geneva’s shoulders as they walked back up to the parking lot.

  “I’m sorry about knocking the paddle out of your hand,” Geneva said.

  “No worries!” Josh said, his naturally positive personality already fully restored. “Normally, you don’t want uneven paddling, but that lady in front of me had no idea what she was doing. It was like she was giving the paddle a bath instead of actually moving the water, so it worked out all right.”

  Geneva sorted through her thoughts, trying to find the words to explain the weird situation with Carter, but before she could find a way to admit their messy history, Josh turned to her, and with eyes sparkling, he said, “How about rock climbing next weekend? Do you have time off, or are you on call?”

  Geneva paused, staring at him in surprise. So, it didn’t bother him that feelings were so obviously volatile between her and her ex? Was Josh really so clueless that he didn’t notice the tension?

  Interesting. Then she had a realization. Josh isn’t interested in a relationship at all. He just wants to have fun!

  This was new territory for Geneva. Typically, the guys she dated always wanted more, while Geneva was never really interested in a relationship. Then she’d be forced to very quickly end things before they really even began. Could it be that she’d found someone who really would be okay with doing fun things with no icky relationship strings attached?

  Hmmm… Shouldn’t she be thrilled?

  Then why does it all feel so… hollow?

  Pushing aside her unease, she sidled a flirty look up to Surfer Boy’s blue eyes. “That sounds like fun! Let me check my schedule. This week, we do water. Next week, we get hot and sweaty. I like it!”

  Josh quirked his eyebrows up and down and pulled her close. “When you put it like that, do you have any time to get hot and sweaty before next week? What are you doing tomorrow?”

  Geneva laughed. She put her arms around his neck, but only planted a chaste kiss against his cheek. “Waiting will do you good, Surfer Boy.”

  Then she wiggled out of his embrace. With one last coquettish look over her shoulder and a matching wave, Geneva headed for her car, and Josh hopped in his open-topped Jeep. She fumbled around in her fanny pack, trying to dislodge her keys when a voice stopped her.

  “Four years and you haven’t changed at all.”

  Geneva frowned, looking up to find Carter leaning against the driver’s door of her Camaro.

  “What do you want, Carter?” she asked wearily. “As I said a few hours ago, I am not discussing any of my patients right now. We will do a thorough consultation on Monday.”

  “What about your friends?” Carter asked in a clipped tone. “Are you willing to discuss a friend who’s in trouble, or will that have to wait until regular business hours, too?”

  He was obviously angry and disappointed with her. None of that was really new. It was just fresh, and combined with the stress over Allie, it created a combination that was way more than Geneva felt prepared to deal with.

  Lifting her eyes to him bravely, she willed him to read her mind and feel the turmoil. She wanted him to understand, even if she couldn’t put it in words. “I’m sorry, Carter. If that friend happens to be a patient as well… I can’t.”

  Carter nodded briskly and moved away from her car door. “I don’t know why I expected any different. Thou shalt not interrupt Dr. Geneva Hutchin’s all-important playtime. Like I said, you haven’t changed at all. See you Monday morning.”

  Carter brushed past her, and Geneva didn’t turn.

  Same as always. He never understood before. Why should he now?

  In a quiet voice, she spoke to his back. “I’m not sure you can really assess whether I’ve changed or not. It’s kinda hard to do that when you never knew me to begin with.”

  “May I go ahead to the exam room and wait there?” Geneva asked the receptionist. “I know I’m early.”

  “Sure, Dr. Hutchins! Exam room number four isn’t occupied. I’ll send Dr. Solomon and Allie your way.”

  “Thank you,” Geneva said, relieved. Quickly, she found her way to the exam room and shut herself inside.

  She had purposely arrived early for the appointment to avoid both parties she was supposed to meet with. She didn’t want to be forced into smiles and pretending with Kara and Allie when she knew the devastating news that would be delivered in minutes. And she didn’t want to run into Carter because she hadn’t actually called him and discussed Allie’s case like she should have.

  In her defense, it had been a busy morning. Then Kara had called and told her they had a same day 4:55 appointment with Carter to discuss Allie’s test results and asked if Geneva could make it. Of course, Geneva couldn’t refuse, and by the time given, she knew Carter was staying late to give Geneva the best possible chance of being there. Geneva moved her late afternoon appointments, even double-booking herself so she could leave Crossroads and make it to the hospital a few minutes early to the appointment, but performing
the gymnastics to get there hadn’t left her time to call and discuss strategy with Carter.

  Unfortunately, she knew any excuses wouldn’t matter to Carter. He’d just be angry with her.

  Although she’d hadn’t talked to Carter, she had reviewed Allie’s test results first thing this morning. She’d gotten to her office in Crossroads early, before anyone else, sat in her office with only a single light illuminating the darkened room, and pulled up Allie’s complete record and test results. As she scrolled through the pages of lab work and countless numbers that would be meaningless to most of the population, Geneva desperately wanted to shut her eyes and stop the information from implanting in her mind. Her heart twisted painfully for, as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t deny the truth.

  Carter was right.

  Allie’s numbers didn’t look good. She wasn’t willing to throw in the towel and call her terminal, but it would take a miracle to save her.

  That same sick feeling hadn’t improved at all since this morning, and Geneva breathed deeply and prayed, trying to prepare herself for the moment the exam room door opened.

  Lord, I’m asking for a miracle. It doesn’t really matter what those test results say. You’re the one in charge. Give me the words to say to Kara and Allie, and help us save Allie’s life.

  Unfortunately, peace remained elusive, and she found no comfort. In her line of work, she knew God didn’t always answer with miracles and healing. What if He said “no”?

  She couldn’t handle that thought and mentally began reviewing treatment options, wondering what Carter would recommend. In her desperation, a steely resolve birthed. She would save Allie. Whatever she needed to do, she’d do. She’d pray hard, find trials that Carter didn’t even know about, and go with Allie to make sure the doctors were doing absolutely everything to give her the best care. She couldn’t depend on anyone else. She couldn’t depend on Carter’s knowledge or God’s “yes” to prayer.

  But, she could depend on herself. She wouldn’t give up. If it took everything she had, she would save Allie. Failure was not an option. Geneva wouldn’t let it be.

  The door opened, and Geneva’s heart startled. Kara and Allie came into the room with Carter right behind them. At the sight of Geneva, Allie’s pale face broke into a smile, and she rushed forward for a hug. Kara took a seat, and Carter positioned himself on the doctor’s stool.

  “As you know, we got Allie’s test results,” he said directly. He shot an uneasy glance to where Allie perched on Geneva’s lap. “I haven’t discussed with you or Dr. Hutchins what your preferences are. If you would like, I can ask my office manager to stay and take Allie to the play area while we talk.”

  Kara’s voice paled to match the white pillow on the exam table beside her. “Is the news not good?”

  Carter looked at her steadily. “No, it is not.”

  Kara looked at Geneva, her face lit with sheer panic.

  “You’re fine to go ahead and explain the numbers, Dr. Solomon,” Geneva said calmly.

  With a nod, Carter gave a comprehensive scientific explanation of all of the numbers gathered through their testing.

  “But what does all of it mean?” Kara asked shakily, her anxiety not lessened even a little.”

  His warm, brown eyes shining with empathy, Carter explained. “Allie’s cancer has relapsed, but it isn’t the exact same type as before. It is still Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, but the T-cells are involved, and it has relapsed in the bone marrow. While childhood leukemia has a high survival rate, that rate is lower if there has been a relapse. Also complicating things is that Allie’s cancer wasn’t as easy to get into remission the first time. Most patients go into remission very quickly after starting treatment. As I’m sure you remember, Allie’s cancer did not. It took chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant to get the desired result. We aren’t yet two years out from that remission. With the bone marrow transplant so recent, we might not get such a good result with a second one, and Allie may not even be considered a good candidate to try.”

  “What are you saying?” Kara whispered brokenly.

  Carter’s gaze shot to Geneva. This was part of his job. He was an expert at delivering bad news and conducting difficult conversations, but this wasn’t just any other case.

  “Am I going to die?” Allie’s soft whisper was the first she’d spoken. Though she’d silently perched on Geneva’s lap, clearly, she’d taken in all the boring numbers and explanation, and she was smart enough to realize what they meant.

  Geneva took a deep breath and stood, clasping Allie’s hand tightly and leading her over to the exam table. She lifted the little girl up to sit on it and then looked her directly in the eye.

  This was Geneva’s responsibility. Carter was only here at Geneva’s request. Allie was her patient. And her friend. Allie’s question deserved an answer. From Geneva.

  “Allie, I don’t know if you will die from cancer,” Geneva explained honestly. “I do know that everyone dies sometime. This cancer that you have is a mean one. Many times, people with this kind of cancer live for a while, but they don’t live to be grown up and old. You know, though, that when people die, those who believe that Jesus died on the cross to save them get to go to heaven and be with Him forever. I know you believe, so I’m not worried about that. But I do want to wait a good, long time before God decides He wants you in heaven. Allie, it’s going to take all of your strength to fight it, but you’re strong, and you aren’t going to fight it alone. Dr. Solomon, your mom, and I will do everything we can to fight, too, and get you better, but I don’t know if we will win. I do know we will have two weapons, like really strong swords that we will use to fight. We will have some medicines and procedures that we will use, and we will pray. God is the strongest superhero ever, and He’ll be on your side the whole way, too. I will pray that He heals you and that you’ll get to grow up and be a wrinkled old lady before He takes you to heaven.”

  Allie nodded. “But I might die.”

  Geneva nodded seriously. “Yes. But anyone might die at any time. This cancer won’t win today, and it won’t win tomorrow. We’re going to make sure we enjoy every minute, and if you get close to heaven, I promise I will tell you.”

  Allie looked up at Geneva, and a small spark lit her gray eyes. “I want ice cream today.”

  Geneva grinned. “You know what? I want ice cream today, too! Let’s do it right now. Even before dinner!”

  She turned to Kara. “Dr. Solomon can explain to you the first steps. It will be the standard you are familiar with. With leukemia, we first need to eradicate the leukemia cells before we can build up the good ones. Allie and I will run down to the cafeteria and get some ice cream. I hear it’s pretty good!”

  She helped Allie down from the table and clasped her cold hand once again. On the way out, she turned to Carter. “So, we’ll start with chemo ASAP, then decide the best clinical trial to go with, or, if her numbers are improving, we can talk about another transplant. I did see a new trial that looked promising, and I wondered if she’d be a candidate.”

  “The Seiver trial?” he asked.

  At her nod, he responded. “That’s the one I was thinking about as well.”

  Geneva held Allie’s hand all the way down to the cafeteria, where she chose a chocolate ice cream cone. With sprinkles on top. Being a hospital specializing in many childhood illnesses, the cafeteria, fortunately, represented ice cream well.

  Geneva chose a bowl of berry sorbet, really not feeling like dealing with the stomachache she’d get from the lactose in regular ice cream. With treats in hand, they found a seat in the corner of the cafeteria.

  “So today we do ice cream, Allie. What should we do tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow?” Geneva asked lightly.

  “Hmm…” Allie said, obviously giving the question a good deal of thought as she daintily licked the ice cream.

  Geneva watched her, imagining how the little girl would look in a few weeks. Chemo would quickly pluck her dark hair away
and drain the already pale face of any color. Geneva forced herself to keep eating the ice cream, but she really wanted to throw the thing away, lay her head on the table, and weep for the days of torture she knew lay in Allie’s immediate future.

  One day at a time… she told herself. If she tried to handle any more than that, she would suffocate under the stress and hopelessness of watching someone she loved walk through the evil tunnel of cancer.

  She really wanted Allie to confess some big dream that she could grant. Anything to make the coming days a little brighter. Even as the idea floated through her mind with the contact information of different foundations specializing in granting the wishes of ill children, she recognized the hopelessness of even this. Allie would likely be too sick with treatment to make a big trip, at least for a long time, and with the cancer so aggressive, they couldn’t wait to start.

  Ice cream every day. We may not be able to do big, but we can do little things just to make her smile.

  Geneva suddenly realized that Allie had stopped eating and looked as if her thoughts had taken a turn for the worse as well.

  The troubled gray eyes came up, and her lower lip trembled. “Dr. Gen, I don’t know what I want tomorrow. All I know is that I don’t want to die.”

  Steady, Geneva coached herself, battling the instant tears that sprang to her eyes. Slowly, Geneva set her spoon down in her cup and knelt beside Allie’s chair. She gathered up those little hands in hers and looked at her with sincerity, willing strength into every word she spoke.

  “Sweetheart, I can’t promise you that you won’t die. I can’t make anyone that promise. But I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to make sure you live as long as possible. The very first thing I’m going to do is to pray with you right now.”

  Then she bowed her head. Before she knew what to say, she started speaking. “Dear Lord, Allie is scared, and I’m scared, too. Please help us. We really want you to heal Allie and take every bit of cancer away. We want Allie to live a very long time and grow up to do amazing things. In the meantime, please come and comfort us. Give us wisdom for how to best help Allie, and give us all strength. Let us know that You see Allie, You have a plan, and nothing will ever happen to her that You won’t carry her through. Make Allie’s life something special. Amen.”