by Amanda Tru
No sound came from the other side of the door. It didn’t open, but neither did they detect the sound of footsteps the other direction.
Hoping that he’d heard and that he still stood only two feet away from them, she bravely continued, “Allie is sick and wants to see you. Kara didn’t know where to find you, so we’ve been searching all over. Please, Jimmy. Allie needs you.”
A tiny squeak announced the door opening just a crack.
“Allie? She’s sick?” the gruff voice spoke, though Geneva couldn’t see any part of the person it belonged to.
“Yes, she is,” Carter said, speaking for the first time. “We are Allie’s doctors, and her friends. Her cancer returned.”
Geneva hesitated. She didn’t want to deliver such news through a door, but she may not have another chance. Allie’s cancer had sent Jimmy running the first time. It seemed very likely that knowing it had returned would promptly shut the door with a similar response.
“Jimmy, Allie isn’t going to make it,” she breathed, her voice catching on the first time she’d actually uttered the phrase into the world. “She wants to see you before she passes.”
“Nooo!”
For as long as she lived, Geneva would remember Jimmy’s cry. It was shock, grief, denial, and utter heartbreak packed into a sound that ripped from the depth of his soul. It sent chills down her spine and infused every inch of her body with a horror too immense for a single moment. It carried an energy beyond the sound that was part groan and part shriek. Though audible to the entire apartment building, it seemed as if the reverberations should impact for much farther as people’s breath paused or their foot slowed for just a fraction of a second in their body’s collective empathy for a fellow human being.
The door slowly swung open of its own accord, released from Jimmy’s hand as he stumbled back and fell to the floor.
Great sobs shook his shoulders, and soft moans of agony emerged from where he sat with his back braced against a wall and his knees drawn up to his face.
Geneva and Carter hesitantly stepped into the meager apartment, not knowing how to respond. With his face pale, Carter went to the wall beside Jimmy and sat down next to him, drawing his legs up in a similar position.
Then he started praying aloud. “Lord, please reach down and help Jimmy in this moment…”
Emotions cascaded through her own body in such turmoil that Geneva didn’t catch every word, but she did feel the subtle sense of peace that slowly emanated the room. Jimmy’s sobs slowed, and he began attempting to wipe the moisture from his face and clean himself up. Geneva located the restroom in the small apartment, grabbed a wad of tissue, and presented it to Jimmy.
“Tell me about my girl,” he finally managed brokenly.
Geneva didn’t know if he was requesting the medical report, but she interpreted his request in the broader sense.
So, she told him about Allie.
She gave a beautiful monologue detailing the wonderful little girl, her likes, dislikes, antics, fears, and everything she could think of. All of Geneva’s anger toward the faceless man of Jimmy Drew melted away at the reality of seeing his grief-strained features hanging on every word about his daughter. She even earned a few meager smiles with humorous tales of the sweet, spunky little girl and her love for plush kitties.
“When did the cancer come back?” Jimmy finally asked, bringing Geneva’s report back to its inevitable conclusion.
“Last summer,” Carter answered. “This form of cancer is more aggressive than her previous bout. We’ve tried everything, and nothing has been effective.”
“How long does she have?” Jimmy’s voice cracked heavily with emotion, making him difficult to understand.
His handsome features even and professional, Carter replied, “We’ve been looking for you for a while now, but the reports we get from Kara and the hospice staff indicate that this is the end. Allie’s time is down to days.”
Jimmy’s hand clenched into a fist, and he pounded the floor beside him. “I should have… I didn’t…” His eyes slid shut as he breathed deeply.
Then, the words burst forth into the room in a gut-wrenching confession meant for them and the universe in general. “You knocked on the wrong door. I’m not Allie’s dad. A real dad wouldn’t do to her what I did. I left Kara and Allie when she was ill the first time. I said I wanted to go earn money for her treatment, but I was really just a coward. I didn’t want to watch my girl suffer. I intended to go back when she got better. I really did. But Kara knew why I’d left, and I was afraid Allie would figure it out, too. What kind of dad would I be if I took off when times were tough and showed back up when times weren’t, pretending that nothing had happened? I still intended to go back, but I wanted to prove myself. If I could earn a bunch of money, I could prove that I had been useful while I was away. I could give Allie a reason for my absence. I could finally be the dad she deserved.” Jimmy looked up and gestured miserably to the small, sparse apartment around him. “Obviously, my ship hasn’t come in quite yet.”
“Jimmy, Allie doesn’t care why you were away,” Geneva said with compassion. “She just wants you back now. Allie and I talked about what she wanted most before she went to heaven. She wants Christmas and snow. And to see you. She wants you to sing to her one more time. It’s her dying wish.”
Jimmy shook his head adamantly, tears filling his eyes once again. “Maybe I can give her a call on the phone, but I can’t… I can’t go see her. She deserves better than me. I’ll just screw it all up worse.”
“Jimmy, a call isn’t the same as Allie knowing you’re there beside her. It’s not like holding her hand or kissing her cheek.”
Jimmy shut his eyes, still shaking his head. “You don’t understand. I don’t deserve… I already told you. I wasn’t there when she needed me most, for the bad times or the good. I can’t show back up at the end.”
“But this isn’t about you!” Geneva burst out. “It’s about Allie. She doesn’t care about any of that. She wants you. The time that she needs you most wasn’t then. It’s now.”
Jimmy finally stood to his feet and began pacing from one end of the room to the other. The apartment was so empty that he didn’t need to dodge around anything in his straight line back and forth. A single couch and chair stood in the living room facing a large flat-screen TV mounted on the wall. There was no table, but a single wooden bar stool stood up to the counter. There were no knickknacks in the apartment. No pictures of Allie or anyone else. The only decorations were fast-food wrappers, empty soda cans, and other varieties of trash that congregated in corners around the kitchen and living areas.
“I know what kids are like when they’re dying of cancer,” Jimmy finally said, his eyes taking on a wild glow. “When Allie was first diagnosed. I couldn’t stop torturing myself with research. They sleep a lot, and then they eventually drift off and don’t wake up. If she really only has a few more days to live, Allie won’t even know whether or not I’m there.”
“But you will know,” Carter said tightly. “You can’t accept the fact that you abandoned your wife and child. Do you really think you can accept letting your little girl die without you?”
Jimmy bowed his head, obviously struggling. Then, quietly, he admitted the truth at the core of his turmoil. “I can’t watch her die.”
His words lit anger like a match in Geneva. There it was. This didn’t have anything to do with Allie. It had everything to do with his own selfishness.
“You may think me an awful person, and I will certainly agree whole-heartedly,” Jimmy continued, the words falling over themselves as he rushed to explain. “But I couldn’t watch her then, and I can’t now. I can’t change the awful person I already know I am. It took me a long time to come to terms with myself. I can’t go back and fix the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve finally moved on and tried to get on with my life. I’ve worked at the River of Lights for over a year now, which is the longest I’ve ever held a job. It’s not just seasonal work. After
my work last year, I was hired on as a full-time permanent employee, and it takes us the entire year to prepare and put on the show. I even have a girlfriend.”
“So, if you and your girlfriend have a kid and that kid gets cancer, will you take off again?” Carter asked cuttingly.
“I hope I’m a better man than I was, but I can’t go backward. You don’t understand what I’ve been through—how I’ve hated myself and have worked to move past my mistakes.”
Though Carter’s eyes blazed, he kept his tone firm and even. “Yet, you’re okay with making another mistake now?”
Geneva clenched her hands together and tried to convince them that shaking the man would not bring any sense into his selfish head. He didn’t want to see Allie because he was afraid that it would make him feel guilty!
To Jimmy’s credit, it didn’t appear that any of this was easy on him. His features were tortured, and he appeared to be much older than he actually was. In Geneva’s mind, that in no way excused his reprehensible actions.
“I will call and talk to Kara,” he finally offered reluctantly. “If Allie is awake, I will talk to her. I love Allie. I love her too much.” Jimmy swallowed with difficulty, struggling for control. “Seeing her like that will bring back everything. I know you don’t understand, but I can’t do it. They are better off without me.”
Geneva gritted out angrily, “You’re lying to yourself to justify what you want. They aren’t better off without you. You are better off without them.”
Geneva’s words hit their mark, and he bowed his head as if the blow had been physical. Yet, his despondency didn’t change in the least. He just accepted the words and owned their truth, never considering the possibility of changing what he’d already decided was as impossible to alter as the color of the sky.
“Thank you for telling me about Allie,” he said quietly, pointedly walking to the door. “I’m sorry I took off when I saw you last night. I thought you were cops or some other enforcement after me for back child support.”
“Ah, that must be another one of your ‘past mistakes,’” Carter threw out.
Jimmy winced but merely said. “Give me Kara’s number, and I’ll call.”
Geneva took out a card and wrote down a number. “It’s the same number she’s always had. You already have it. You just haven’t chosen to call in two years.”
“Thank you,” Jimmy said, accepting the card and opening the door for them to leave.
Geneva looked at Carter desperately. They had to do something! They couldn’t just leave! His eyes mirrored her own in their anger and desperation, and yet they held no more answers. They had no other options other than to step through that door and leave Jimmy to his own choices.
The fight left her. Like a leaf finally relinquishing its last hold of autumn and drifting to the ground in one long, graceful sigh to the ground, the pain and anger whispered away on the breeze, and she landed softly in a blanket of despair.
Completely broken, Geneva could no longer look at the man so undeserving of his daughter’s love. “Excuse us,” she said quietly. “We need to catch a flight back so we can go spend Christmas with Allie and give her a good send-off to heaven.”
She’d flung the words out in one last attempt to pierce through to Jimmy’s heart and guilt him into doing what was right. But it didn’t work. Jimmy didn’t respond. He just sat staring at the card in his hand.
“Come on, Gen. It’s no use,” Carter said, tugging her hand toward the door.
Waves of shock rippled through her as she allowed Carter to lead her out. They got in the car, and Carter started the GPS directions to the airport.
“Are you okay?” he asked after Geneva still hadn’t said a word five minutes later.
“Yes, I’m fine,” Geneva responded, telling an outright lie.
She was not fine, but she couldn’t think past the words echoing in her head. They were going back to Crossroads where she’d have to tell Kara and Allie that, though they’d found Allie’s dad, he wasn’t coming to say goodbye.
She didn’t blame God. He’d obviously worked miracles just so they could find him. He’d obviously kept up His end, while she’d dropped the ball on hers. She blamed herself. She’d done something wrong. She hadn’t convinced Jimmy to come.
It was her fault.
Just like with Allie. She should have caught Allie’s cancer sooner. She should have chosen a different trial before the little girl lost all her strength. She should have saved her.
Over and over, her mind screamed a truth that she could no longer escape.
You failed. You failed. You failed.
Geneva plopped Big Kitty on the tiled airport floor beside her and reached into her backpack to find her ID for the woman at the ticket counter. Thankfully, Carter was handling the arrangements for the flight. The drive to the airport accomplished nothing in chasing away the strange feeling of numbness mixed with utter despondency.
She heard Carter talking with the ticket agent as if hearing the murmurings from another room. No part of the conversation penetrated her fog. When her fingers didn’t immediately latch onto her wallet, she reached deeper, finally connecting with an unfamiliar object. She finally zipped the top of her backpack open more and peered down inside. Seeing a rectangular book, she lifted it out, discovering her wallet below. Armed with both items, she absently handed Carter her wallet and took the book in both hands.
She’d never seen it before. It clearly wasn’t hers, but why was it in her backpack?
Curiously, she opened to the first page of the book. In the center of the page was written a verse:
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows” Matthew 10:29-31
At the bottom of the page was written the words,
For Cossette
Love, Mom
Geneva’s eyes widened. Cossette! That was the name of the young woman she’d met in the airport restroom back in Seattle! They’d both had the same backpack. Was it possible that Cossette had put this book into Geneva’s backpack by mistake?
Geneva closed her eyes, trying to remember exactly what had happened. She seemed to recall Cossette holding something in her hands when Geneva spouted off the reason for her travel. In her mind, Geneva saw the object tip from Cosette’s startled fingers.
It must have landed in my backpack!
Hurriedly, Geneva flipped through the book, quickly realizing that it wasn’t a book at all but a journal.
Carter finished with the ticket agent and handed Geneva her wallet and a boarding pass. Geneva absently accepted the items, awkwardly picking up her backpack, suitcase, and Big Kitty. She followed Carter through security, all the while juggling her belongings and trying to hold the journal with one hand while she read passages and felt a growing alarm.
This was special. It wasn’t the diary of a young girl, but a prayer journal of sorts shared between a young woman and her mother.
She would want this back! Geneva thought with certainty. If she’d had such a treasure with her own mom, Geneva would feel completely heartbroken to have it go missing. It was a testament to love, history, and faith, and it couldn’t be replaced.
But how do I find her?
After they made it smoothly through security, Carter led her to some seats, not seeming to mind her distraction. Maybe he realized that in Geneva’s state, any distraction was a good one and prevented her from overthinking what had just happened and what was still to come.
Geneva set Big Kitty in the chair beside her and flipped through the journal several times. Page after page was crammed full of Bible verses and personal notes written in an elegant scrawl. While she didn’t feel right about reading something obviously so personal, she scanned every page for something that looked like an address or clue that would let her know how she might contact Cossette. She found nothing.
Finally, Geneva shut the book in frustration.
Lord, I must get this back to Cossette.
There was no request about it. It was simply a statement.
I’ve failed at everything else. Everything big. I can’t fail at the little things, too!
She set her jaw and stood. “I’ll be right back,” she announced, moving Big Kitty over to the seat next to Carter. Even though transporting the large carnival prize on the plane was a hassle, she’d already lugged it from L.A., and they hadn’t even made her purchase Big Kitty her own seat. Making sure she completed the journey to Allie seemed more important than ever now that Allie’s dad had no interest in delivering the present in person. “Can you keep an eye on Big Kitty? I need to ask an airline employee some questions.”
“Don’t be gone long,” Carter replied.
Geneva didn’t hear what he mumbled after that. She’d already taken off for a nearby gate counter. She specifically chose one that did not seem to have an upcoming flight yet was still manned by a person either making preparations or finishing up tasks associated with a recently departed flight.
The agent proved surprisingly helpful, informing Geneva about what procedures may be followed if someone reports a lost item in an airport. Geneva was soon on the phone with the airport in Seattle, making her way through to the department that may have a record of a journal reported missing within the last two weeks.
Just as she finally connected with the right official to check reports on any lost items, Carter came up to her, looking rather ridiculous with a large, white plush cat in his well-muscled arms. He tugged on the sleeve of Geneva’s jacket, trying to get her attention.
She held up her hand for his silence, not even sparing a glance at him in her intensity.
Still, he nagged her, trying to talk to her while she kept her ear glued to the voice in Seattle. If she lost this call, it would take her forever to find her way back to “Lost Leon” and his reports. Communicating with the man had already proved difficult enough since he seemed to be a little lost himself. Geneva carefully repeated her request for a third time, convinced that the man on the other end of the phone call fully earned his “Lost Leon” nickname in her mind.