Now and Again

by Natasha West

  As Riley handed her a hot cup, she was hit by a sensation of déjà vu. Riley. Coffee. A pool. When was it…

  Oh. Yes. She remembered now. That party. The kiss.

  It was like the memory hit Juliet over the head and the next thing she did was drop the entire cup all over the floor with the loudest smash. So much had changed, and yet some things clearly didn’t. ‘Oh, Sh…ugar!’ Juliet cried, getting down on her hands and knees, grabbing up pieces. ‘Mia! Stand back!’ she warned the girl, who stayed exactly where she was, which would also do fine.

  ‘I’ll get some kitchen roll, you get the cup bits,’ Riley said, snapping into action.

  They were both on their hands and knees, cleaning the mess. Juliet leaned over to snag a particularly evil little shard when she bumped heads with Riley, hard. ‘God sakes, I’m an idiot today,’ Juliet said apologetically. Riley, rubbing her head, grinned forgivingly. ‘It’s fine. I’ve got a pretty tough nut.’

  Juliet smiled at her. That’s when she saw the situation from a distance, her and Riley inches away from each other, on all fours, grinning at each other with Mia looking on. She got up quickly, opening the bin, trying to stop the tingling that was happening all over her skin. She wasn’t sure what her body was trying to do to her, but whatever it was, Juliet wasn’t having it.

  Riley kept mopping up coffee with her back turned to Juliet, so she couldn’t read Riley’s feelings on the funny little moment. If she had to take a guess, though? Riley probably hadn’t thought twice. She was just being friendly, trying to stop Juliet from feeling like the fool she was.

  She went back and picked up the remaining shards of the cup, careful not to look at Riley. Between them, they had the mess dealt with pretty quickly. Once it was done, Riley stood and put her hands on her hips, looking around. ‘That’s that. So, shall I pour you another one?’

  Juliet laughed. ‘If the cup’s trying to jump out of my hands, maybe caffeine isn’t the greatest idea. Perhaps next time.’ She turned at the sound of the door. ‘Oh look, there’s Amanda,’ Juliet cried with relief as Mia’s mother walked in. Mia flew to her, and Juliet said, ‘Hi!’

  ‘Hi,’ Amanda said, looking a little baffled as to the level of enthusiasm her arrival had elicited from the nanny. Almost as much as her daughter. But Juliet didn’t care if she was being weird. She needed a reason to leave, and now she had it. ‘Right, well, I hate to dash, but I have to get back. Got a… thing.’

  ‘Oh, sure,’ Amanda said.

  ‘Bye,’ she said to the room, careful not to say it to anyone in particular. And she ran.

  As she left, she was annoyed with herself. She wasn’t supposed to be like this anymore, sprinting from the Powell residence, trying to avoid Riley. So why was she doing it again today?

  She shouldn’t have been asking herself that question like she didn’t know the answer. But she’d gone into self-protective mode. It required a healthy dose of denial.

  She told herself she was crushing on a phantom, that she didn’t know Riley anymore. If she ever had. Ten years could be a lifetime. But the thing was, she still felt like Riley knew her. When Riley looked at her, she felt like she was looking right into the heart of her, seeing everything. Because that’s how Riley was, observant and sharp. She always had been. And there wasn’t very much to dissect. Juliet was still the same girl she’d always been.

  THEN

  ‘Paul! You can’t do a handstand in a pool when you’re fucking smashed, mate! I’m too drunk to save ya!’ yelled a voice, and Juliet stepped back from Riley with regret.

  Juliet turned to see several drunk boys spilling out of the house, but they were pretty focused on their well-oiled buddy and his desire to become a party legend and maybe die in the process. They didn’t seem to notice what they’d broken up. A kiss. Juliet’s second-ever, but quite an improvement on the first one. Was this what kissing was supposed to be like? Because if so, wow. Riley certainly knew how to make a girl swoon. Juliet was drowning in confusing social cues one minute, then drowning in Riley’s lips the next.

  But now some morons had broken it up, and she and Riley were standing in the reflective light of the pool, looking at one another. Juliet didn’t know what was expected of her now. She had this instinct to run before anything could ruin the moment. But she knew that if she ran, she was the one ruining the moment. This wasn’t just about what she wanted. This was happening to both of them.

  ‘Well,’ Riley said, and she looked away with a touch of shyness that Juliet had never seen her display before. ‘That was…’ She left the sentence hanging for about a thousand years before she finished. ‘…Nice.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Juliet managed to reply through an outrageous and sudden case of dry mouth. Then she started nodding, for quite a long time. She felt her feet take two small steps backwards. ‘Nice.’

  Riley’s face dropped. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Who me?’ Juliet said. ‘I’m absolutely—’

  The end of that sentence was going to be ‘Fine.’ But she never reached it. Because Drunk Paul still had every intention of doing his underwater acrobatics and he came running at the pool, fully dressed, his friends still begging him to stop. But his focus - if not his vision - was strong, and he sprinted, his arms spreading into eagle wings. Juliet caught one of those arms across the chest and was clotheslined right into the pool.

  For whole seconds, she was underwater, sputtering, choking. Eventually, she felt a hand on her arm. ‘Shit!’ she heard Riley yell from a distance as she broke the surface. She realised Paul had tried to correct his error and was the one pulling her up. ‘Are you alright, dude?!’ he was asking her. ‘Not a dude,’ she coughed, a bit of water coming up. People were coming out of the house now, the party becoming an alfresco affair. Riley was around the other side of the pool, walking round to help Juliet, who’d ended up at the side of the pool closest to the house. Juliet couldn’t believe it. Why did these things always happen to her? Still, it had cut an awkward moment short, so there was that to be said for it.

  ‘Don’t read anything into him calling you dude. Everyone’s his dude. I heard him call his mum dude once,’ said a girl at the edge of the pool, grabbing hold of Juliet’s hand and trying to drag her out.

  But when Juliet rose out of the pool, something happened. Something from a nightmare. Her sister’s top, which hadn’t been a perfect fit to start with, was ripped down by the water. Worse than that, Juliet’s bra, which was strapless and therefore had nothing holding it up beyond her actual boobs – which, unlike her sister’s, would come many to the pound - flew down with it. Juliet was briefly topless in front of around forty people. She jumped back down below the line of the water to get her wardrobe functioning correctly. She squeezed her eyes shut as she pulled the clothes back in place and prayed that no one would comment, a prayer of the most desperate kind.

  It did nothing. Paul, next to her, let out this big guffaw and then mumbled something drunkenly and released from the shock of the sudden nudity, the group heartily laughed at whatever mean joke he’d made. Juliet couldn’t bear to look at him, the heartless bastard.

  Before long, the laughter had spread like a contagion, being passed to people who were still coming out of the house, no doubt quickly informed of history’s worst faux pas.

  It got worse as Juliet watched Riley run around the pool. Juliet heard her laughing too. It was only briefly, but Juliet knew it was at her. It was like a slap around the face. She thought Riley cared about her. Now Juliet was just a joke to her?

  By the time Riley had reached her, she was pretending she wasn’t laughing at Juliet’s humiliation. ‘Oh my god! Are you alright?’

  Juliet looked up, utterly mortified, though, now dressed. Everyone was laughing their arses off. This was the most shame Juliet had ever felt in her life. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t her fault. ‘Yeah, I’m OK.’ Riley held a hand out, and Juliet pretended not to see it, climbing awkwardly out of the pool by herself. Once she was poolside, she stood and chec
ked her watch. It didn’t work anymore. ‘Is that the time? I’d better get home.’

  Riley looked surprised. ‘Oh, er, OK.’ Juliet supposed she thought someone like her would put up with being laughed at and shamed. It was shocking, this turn in Riley. One minute, Riley had seemed like a good person, a decent person. Juliet felt seen, cared for. But then Riley laughed at her, and Juliet knew she’d been a fool. Riley was only amusing herself with Juliet, and now this was simply more amusement at Juliet’s expense.

  Juliet turned away and headed for the back gate, dripping as she walked. As she let herself out of the garden, she wondered if she could run her clothes around the dryer without waking anyone. If her sister saw these clothes, she was going to hit the roof.

  By the time she got in, she’d stopped dripping. She headed for the bathroom, where she made the mistake of looking into the mirror. All the makeup that her sister had applied had melted down her face, and now she looked like she could front an eighties heavy metal band. No wonder Riley had laughed at her.

  Juliet didn’t know if she was angrier at Riley or herself. Because Juliet half believed that going into that pool had been her own fault. One step to the side and the whole thing could have been avoided. The kiss wouldn’t have been ruined. Then again, hadn’t it already been ruined before Juliet embarrassed herself?

  It had. Because Riley hadn’t meant it.

  NOW

  Juliet could still feel that decade-old embarrassment. It had burned beyond any mortification she’d ever felt. She’d thought she might die of it. She’d half wanted to. Though, of course, that wasn’t the end of the story…

  But it was better not to get into that because she was letting it all go. Turning all those memories over in her mind, rolling them around like they were on a mixed fabrics cycle in the washing machine, it was no good. She couldn’t clean it. There was no such thing as Tide for unwanted emotions. Even if you ran your mind through a boil wash, it couldn’t get out stubborn crushes either. Juliet simply had to decide to get over it. And then wait until her stupid brain caught up. In the meantime, she would be super cool, distant, removed. Riley would never find out about this.

  ‘Mum?’ Juliet called as she let herself into the house. ‘Are you in?’

  Her mother popped her head out of the kitchen. ‘Oh, good. I need a hand with something.’ The head vanished.

  ‘What?’ Juliet said, going to find her mother in the kitchen.’

  ‘The man’s coming tomorrow, so I need to clear out your sister’s room,’ she said, dragging flattened boxes out of a cupboard. ‘Her old clothes, for a start. God knows how many boxes they’ll fill. That’s what happens when a fashion addict goes to work in a clothes shop. She brings half the bloody stock home with her. I swear, by the end of the week, every week, she had about five quid of her pay left—’

  ‘Why do we need to clean out Becca’s room?’ Juliet interrupted.

  Her mother raised an eyebrow as she began to assemble the first box. ‘For the man to take the snaps.’

  ‘Man? Snaps?’

  ‘Of course. They can’t sell the house without photos, can they?’

  It should not have been hard to understand what her mother was saying. Only, there’d been no lead-up. Not once had her mother mentioned that she was selling the house.

  ‘Mum, we’re selling?!’

  ‘Yes, I said, didn’t I?’ her mother replied, assembling the second box.

  ‘I think not, Mum.’

  ‘I did,’ her mother stated dismissively.

  ‘I reckon I’d remember my childhood home being sold out from under me,’ Juliet snapped.

  ‘Watch your tone,’ her mother said.

  ‘Mum,’ Juliet said, trying to be calm. ‘You never mentioned that you were selling.’

  Her mum tutted. ‘I could have sworn I did. Well, anyway. We’re selling. We’re making the last payment on the mortgage this week, and the Singh’s down the road just sold theirs for a lot more than they paid. This area is worth something now, getting gentrified. I reckon it was that coffee place opening on the corner. Dreadful coffee, but the staff all have tattoos, and apparently, that’s something you’re expected to pay through the nose for now,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘So, if we sell up and me and your dad move into a smaller place, we could retire a lot earlier. We found somewhere last week and put an offer in.’

  Juliet frowned. ‘And where exactly will I be sleeping in this smaller place?’

  Her mother rolled her eyes. ‘God, Juliet. You’re twenty-eight! Isn’t it time you moved out, anyway?’

  Juliet wanted to swing for her mum. ‘I’ve been paying into this home since I could earn money. Didn’t you think I at least deserved a conversation before you made me homeless?’

  ‘I’m pushing you out of the nest. There’s a difference. And anyway, when me and your dad kick the bucket, you’ll get the house and any savings. Split with your sister, of course. So don’t act like we robbed you, Juliet.’

  ‘I wasn’t saying that…’ Juliet protested.

  But her mother wasn’t paying any attention, she’d gone back to putting boxes together. Listening had never been her strong suit. ‘This is a three-bed and I’m about to turn sixty. I’m sick of cleaning this much house,’ she announced passionately. ‘And you make good money now, looking after all those rich kids. You could get a place of your own.’

  ‘Don’t act like I’m rolling it in. And I don’t look after rich kids,’ Juliet said, not liking that description. ‘They’re kids with rich parents, Mum.’

  ‘I don’t see the difference,’ her mother said.

  Maybe there wasn’t one. But Juliet had sort of thought there was. At least at one time. ‘Well, anyway… I don’t feel like my job is that stable.’

  ‘I thought they liked you?’

  ‘The mum does. The dad doesn’t.’

  Juliet’s mother waved a dismissive hand as she went into a cupboard and pulled out more flattened boxes. ‘Oh, I wouldn’t worry about him. As long as you’re in with the mum, you’ll be fine. Start putting these together, would you?’ She dropped a load of cardboard on the floor and walked out carrying two erected boxes, apparently considering the small matter of evicting her daughter dealt with to her satisfaction.

  Juliet began to construct boxes on the kitchen lino and tried to take this news in. She couldn’t.

  Twelve

  Riley put a hand down on the kitchen counter, and it was immediately sticky. She tried to remove her hand from the filthy surface as surreptitiously as she could while maintaining eye contact with her potential new housemate. ‘Yeah, so I kicked him out. And we were using the spare room as a playroom for the dog, but it’ll definitely, probably fit a double bed in it,’ Daniel explained. He was tall and skinny, wearing a t-shirt with an egg stain down it. He seemed nice enough. Maybe not much of a housekeeper, but compared to Riley’s last housemate’s controlling style, Riley thought that was preferable.

  Riley pondered the flat as Daniel explained about the hot tap that worked about seventy percent of the time and the cooker that only had two functioning hobs. The place was a bit on the small side. And clearly, housework was not a priority for Daniel. But Riley thought she might be able to make it work. She could pick up Daniel’s slack if she was bothered by his slobbishness. And if it got really bad, she’d suggest a cleaner. The place was cheap, so she might be able to cover that herself. None of this was ideal, but Riley needed out of her dad’s. Stat. She was sick of walking on eggshells every time he had a bad day at work. It brought back too many bad memories.

  ‘So, err, how long have you been living alone?’ Riley asked, trying to make conversation.

  Daniel checked his watch. ‘Err, about three hours.’

  Riley raised an eyebrow. ‘What?’

  ‘Yeah, I mean, why mess about? If Oscar would rather have all these long, late sessions with his trainer, he’s gonna come home and find I can replace him too.’

  Riley didn’t have a chance to r
eact. The front door opened, and a chubby guy with a scruffy beard walked in, the ill-famed Oscar. He gave Riley a confused glance. ‘Daniel, who’s-’

  Daniel smiled bitterly at the arrival of his boyfriend. ‘Oh, good. Glad you’re back. You can fetch your stuff. It’s in a suitcase next to the door. I wanted to put it in a bin liner because it’s trash. But we’d run out,’ he admitted.

  Oscar looked as shocked as Riley felt. ‘Daniel, what are you on about?’

  ‘This is my new housemate…’ Daniel spat, gesturing to Riley.

  ‘Well, I mean we hadn’t actually—’ Riley sputtered.