Born in Light

by Kim ten Tusscher

  Lilith ruffled his hair. Startled, she looked at Ébha. She smiled. “You wouldn’t have done that if you had felt that he could make you sick,” she whispered. Then she indicated the next patient that Lilith could help.

  They worked on together until the afternoon. Ébha took Lilith to the place where Az-Zhara was lying. Lilith looked at him, but his situation hadn’t changed.

  “Why haven’t you healed your leg?” Ébha asked after examining Az-Zhara.

  “I couldn’t,” said Lilith.

  “You can heal burns, can’t you?”

  “Oh, those.” Lilith pulled up her trousers. Her leg was bandaged.

  “Those wounds are dangerous, Lilith. They can easily get infected and infection is one of the few things we can’t heal. But I also don’t understand how you could stand the pain.”

  “I have no feeling left in that leg,” Lilith said. “I got burned in dragon form, so later the burns were covered by my clothes and I didn’t see them. I was much too busy taking care of Az-Zhara to notice.”

  Ébha shook her head. “You need to listen to your own body. Your gift could have told you that you were injured. If you don’t take good care of yourself, then ultimately you won’t be able to help other people either.”

  Lilith tugged at the blankets and moistened Az-Zhara’s lips. She only listened to her body when she wanted to torment herself. When she was feeling good, she didn’t want to feel the pain of the scars on her back or of the wounds she had made herself.

  Over the next few days, Lilith helped Ébha. She loved being able to help others. The room was slowly getting less crowded. At night, they sat at Az-Zhara’s side and talked together. Az-Zhara was still unconscious.

  “You’re in a village in the south-west of Merzia,” Ébha explained. “Just before you arrived, a Jakobinian army attacked and pillaged this village. Most of the men have been killed, and others have left to join Ferhdessar’s army.”

  “What are you going to do when you’re finished here?” Lilith asked.

  Ébha shrugged. “Time will tell.”

  “You’re not going to Nadesh to help the people over there?”

  “You know how they feel about us, Lilith. I don’t think there’s room for me in Nadesh.”

  “But they let you help here.”

  “I’m their only choice if they want to survive. I wouldn’t be allowed to do anything in Nadesh.”

  Lilith looked at Almor and then at Az-Zhara. “I am going to Nadesh,” she said. “I want to defeat Kasimirh.”

  “Be careful, Lilith,” said Ébha. She lowered her voice. “A lot has happened in Nadesh.”

  “I know, Kasimirh captured the city. He killed King Yvar and the army has been driven out of the city.”

  Ébha nodded. “It is said that Kasimirh was helped by a dragon,” she whispered.

  Lilith frowned. Where had he found a new dragon that fast?

  “There’s only one dragon who has always obeyed Kasimirh,” Ébha said.

  Lilith nodded. A nurse walked up to them and deliberated with Ébha. The healeress stared after the woman. When she was out of earshot, Ébha whispered: “Everyone is convinced that you joined Kasimirh’s side again.”

  Lilith looked at Az-Zhara. Now she understood the words that the men had spoken during their attack on him. And why they had been so angry when they discovered that she was a dragon as well—the black dragon from the attack on Nadesh, no less.

  “Ferhdessar knows…” she shook her head. Ferhdessar had last seen her on the beach when she had chosen Kasimirh. Nobody knew what had happened to her after that.

  “They’ll attack you on sight,” Ébha said. “You’re their enemy.”

  All her plans were turned upside down. Lilith looked at Almor. “Now what?”

  He held her hand. “You’ll have to explain your plans to Ferhdessar. He won’t turn down your help in this war.”

  “But Ferhdessar will see me as a huge threat and won’t even give me a chance to speak.”

  Almor was thinking. “When will Az-Zhara be well enough to continue our journey?” he asked Ébha.

  “About a week from now.”

  “I can leave tomorrow. I can explain to Ferhdessar what has happened and why you have come. So that when you arrive, nobody will hurt you.” He gave her a reassuring smile.

  26

  Nigesanla took a bite of meat and chewed slowly. Today was the weekly fast, but not for Nigesanla. As her condition was still uncertain, she wasn’t obliged to obey the rules. On the contrary, while she was pregnant, she was served only the best food.

  Fasting was a way for the Merzians to keep their culture alive, but Nigesanla suspected that Ferhdessar had another reason for reintroducing this old ritual: it saved rations.

  Nigesanla stared out the small window looking out onto a street behind the headquarters in the fortress at the foot of Nadesh. Soldiers were returning from a service for Gaia. This room was her only connection to the outside world. Hidden away from everybody, she was left to ‘hatch her egg’.

  Her hand caressed her stomach. If the baby is still alive.

  Nothing had gone the way she had thought it would. She had been on her way to become queen as well as a mother, but now she was nobody. Yvar had promised to take care of her, but Ferhdessar had jeopardized her safety by cutting the marital ribbon before midnight. Now the Merzians saw her as a whore. That was what her attacker had called her and she knew why.

  Nigesanla stirred her food with her fork. Then she took a bite. She washed the food down with some milk.

  The night that Nigesanla had gone to Yvar, she hadn’t even known that it was considered a disgrace in Merzia when a man and a woman shared a bed together before their wedding. Yvar hadn’t held it against her that she had broken the rules. He had taken her into his bed and had only told her afterwards that they had violated the rules. When he saw her dismay, he had kissed her passionately.

  How different things were in her own culture. Having children was top priority. It didn’t matter much if you were married or not. It wasn’t even always a scandal if you had a child with another man, but that did depend on your position in the harem and the status of your husband. The first women of highly placed men were not given away, but it was not at all uncommon for women of lower rank to be used to speed up negotiations.

  Settling down in Merzia, Nigesanla had thought that she had escaped all of this. Because she was older than most girls who got married, she was certain to have gained a low position in a harem. Being the daughter of a pontifex didn’t change that. But now she knew that she’d been used for the exact same reasons. She was even less than the lowest woman in a harem. She had been given away to pull the wool over the eyes of the Merzians. So the Merzians had every reason to despise her.

  However, she would never have thought that their contempt for her went so far that they were willing to jeopardize the future of their own country.

  Nigesanla moaned and doubled up. She felt yet another stab of pain in her stomach. She dropped the cutlery onto her plate.

  “Saveya!” Panicking, Nigesanla called out for the nurse. She touched her stomach. And then she realized that the baby was moving. It had kicked against one of her wounds.

  “You’re still alive,” she whispered. A tear rolled down her face. She brusquely wiped it away. She couldn’t allow herself to get attached to the child.

  Saveya entered the room. “What is it, my lady?” Nigesanla stared out the window. “Get Rogan,” she said smiling. If Ferhdessar knew the child was still alive, he would treat her differently. She would regain the tiny bit of status she’d had before.

  Nigesanla sat down in front of the mirror and started to comb her hair.

  It took a long time before Rogan came. He bowed.

  “When I send for you, I expect you to come immediately,” Nigesanla said.

  “I’m sorry, my lady. I wasn’t expecting you to have need of me now that you can’t leave this room.”

  “I make my ow
n choices about wanting to leave this room or not. Take me to lord Ferhdessar, I’m sure he wants to hear what I have to say.” Nigesanla got up. As she wrapped a shawl around her shoulders, she looked at her bodyguard. “Have you heard anything about Ghalatea?”

  Rogan looked surprised. “No, unfortunately not.”

  “I’ll pray for her tonight,” Nigesanla said.

  “I appreciate that very much,” said Rogan. He held the door open for her and made a small bow as she passed.

  Rogan escorted her through the dark hallways. Small lanterns were attached to the wall, spaced ten yards apart. On their way, they encountered two soldiers. Nigesanla greeted them. The soldiers stared after her as she continued on her way.

  Rogan had turned a corner but immediately took a step back. He turned around to look at Nigesanla. “It’s best if we go back.”

  “It’s important that I talk to lord Ferhdessar.” She walked around the corner.

  Two soldiers were dragging a man along. They stopped as soon as they saw her and exchanged glances. “My lady?”

  The prisoner looked up. Both his eyes were black and swollen. When he saw her, he spat at her.

  Nigesanla recognized him immediately. It was the soldier who had attacked her. Ferhdessar had made him pay dearly for what he had done. His short tunic couldn’t hide the wounds all over his body.

  “I’m taking you to your room, my lady,” Rogan said.

  Nigesanla shook her head. “You’ve failed,” she told the prisoner. “As you can see, I’m not dead.”

  “And the child?” the man whispered.

  Nigesanla was surprised. His laughter changed into moaning. The soldiers turned around and dragged him away.

  Nigesanla pondered his words. Why was the child more important to him than her life? A Merzian wouldn’t attempt to kill the heir to the throne or would they? All that time, Nigesanla had thought that the child had been a victim of the anger towards her, but maybe it had been the other way around.

  She ran after the soldiers. Rogan wanted to stop her, which only confirmed her feeling that there was something wrong. She obstructed the soldiers’ way.

  “Why would you want to ruin your own country’s future?” she asked.

  “I’m not a Merzian,” the man said. He didn’t even bother to look at her. “I’m a Jakobinian. Kasimirh wanted me to kill the baby. That I got to attack one of Margal’s whores in the process was a nice reward from Jakob.”

  Nigesanla was shaking. She clenched her fists.

  “Did no one bother to inform you?” the prisoner whispered, unable to swallow his laughter.

  Nigesanla opened her mouth. She wanted to grab him by his hair, to make him look at her as she yelled to his face that her baby was still alive. Instead, she turned around to face Rogan. “Take me to my room,” she said softly. She stepped aside to let the soldiers pass with the prisoner.

  Nigesanla stood at the window deep in thought. She didn’t see the soldiers passing by. She also didn’t turn around when the door opened.

  “Lord Ferhdessar wants to talk to you,” one of the maidservants said.

  Nigesanla nodded. She’d been expecting him.

  “I heard that you want to tell me something,” Ferhdessar said. “Do you have news about the child?”

  Nigesanla shook her head. She had decided to keep silent about the child being alive for now. She had even briefly considered faking a miscarriage. The thought of leaving and building a new life for herself and her child somewhere far away was tempting.

  But who could she trust to help her fake a miscarriage? Nigesanla turned around. She pointed at a chair. Ferhdessar sat down, as she remained standing.

  “If only there were a priest with a pendulum to take away the uncertainty,” Ferhdessar muttered to himself. He leaned back and crossed his arms. “What was so important for you to go against my direct orders and leave your room?”

  “Why haven’t you been truthful with me?” Nigesanla asked. “Why did you wilfully hurt me?”

  “You shouldn’t have left your room; then you wouldn’t have had this information.”

  “And what difference does that make? Do you know how painful loneliness is? Feeling like everybody despises you?”

  Ferhdessar tensed up.

  “Being alone in a group that you long to be a part of?”

  Ferhdessar got up out of the chair. Before he left the room, he said: “You and I need to set our priorities. Your task in these difficult times is simple. You are to protect your child. That’s the only thing that matters.”

  27

  Someone threw open the door, and Lilith looked up from her patient. A soldier entered. He was followed by more men. The first man asked one of the nurses a question. She looked around.

  Lilith couldn’t hear what was being said, but she didn’t trust it.

  “Lilith, where are you?” The woman who had spoken to the soldiers was calling her.

  Lilith ducked. She crept to Az-Zhara.

  “There she is!”

  The soldiers rushed towards her. Lilith ran as fast as she could to Az-Zhara. She dragged him into the kitchen and pushed a table against the door. It wouldn’t stop the men for long.

  As Lilith opened the window, someone started pounding on the door. She heard the soldiers yelling. She doubted that she was going to be safe outside, but nevertheless threw her stick out the window. In here, she definitely didn’t stand a chance. She lifted up Az-Zhara together with the blankets that he was lying on. She staggered briefly and stumbled towards the window. She carefully lowered him.

  The soldiers were still pounding on the door. The table moved and the door opened slightly. Lilith pulled herself up on the windowsill. She let herself fall out the window at the same time that the soldiers stormed into the kitchen. Lilith grabbed her stick and the blanket, and hauled Az-Zhara into a narrow street.

  She stopped for a moment to catch her breath. When she looked around she saw the trail she was leaving by dragging Az-Zhara along. But she didn’t have a choice. Soldiers appeared at the window. Someone was pointing at her and shouting. Lilith grabbed the blanket and continued on her way.

  She walked as fast as possible but heard footsteps closing in on her. Lilith reached a square. She wanted to turn around, but the soldiers were behind her. She dragged Az-Zhara to the middle of the square. Without a simmer of a doubt she grabbed her amulet and spoke the incantation. The soldiers appeared before Lilith had even started to change. She was surrounded.

  “Hurry up with that gun,” someone shouted.

  Ropes were thrown at her. A noose fell over her head and was tightened. Lilith tried to break the rope, but the transformation wasn’t complete yet, so she didn’t have enough strength.

  There was a shot. The tranquillizer dart lodged in her belly. Lilith growled softly. She took a step forwards on wobbly legs. She wanted to spread her wings, but they were limp and drooped to the ground. Lilith took another step.

  In the meantime, more and more lassos were thrown at her. Lilith tried to get them off but kept missing them. A second shot. She fell down on all fours and crawled towards the soldiers. She collapsed in front of them and blacked out.

  Lilith came to with a splitting headache. She wanted to get up, but couldn’t. She opened her eyes and immediately closed them against the bright sunlight.

  A few moments later, she tried again. Even though her vision was still blurry, she saw why she couldn’t get up. The soldiers had spun ropes across her body and had attached them to wooden stakes in the ground.

  Lilith shook her head. The pain flared up again. She vainly tried to breathe fire. She swallowed. There was a foul substance on her palate and tongue. Swallowing didn’t reduce the vile taste.

  There was a sharp pain in her shoulder at the base of her wings. She saw the vague outline of a man. Lilith growled.

  “Did I wake you, lizard? It’s a shame that Ferhdessar gave instructions to capture you alive. I would have loved to have slaughtered you on the spot.
I hear that dragon meat is very tasty, and even though you’re all skin and bone, you could keep us going for a few weeks. Long enough to get through the war. Now that Kasimirh has lost you, he doesn’t stand a chance any more.”

  “It wasn’t me in Nadesh,” Lilith growled.

  There was laughter. Lilith moved her head and saw that more soldiers had come to see her.

  “Please, let me go,” Lilith begged. “I want to fight against Kasimirh.”

  More laughter.

  “We don’t necessarily have to kill her,” somebody said. “She can do without some of the flesh on her legs. It won’t kill her.”

  Some men drew their swords and walked up to her.

  Suddenly, everything went quiet. Someone made his way through the soldiers. He stopped in front of Lilith. She recognized him as the first soldier who had entered the community centre. “I’m commander Rodmer. Ferhdessar wants us to bring you to Nadesh. You have to change. If you don’t cooperate, we’ll have to chop you into pieces.”

  “Ferhdessar wants me alive…”

  “Preferably, yes.” He looked around. “My men are hungry. I don’t know how long I can hold them off.” He came closer. “Change, dragon. It’s your only chance to survive.”

  Lilith shook her head, but she still wasn’t able to breathe fire. Rodmer laughed. “We smeared some paste in your mouth to prevent you from breathing fire.” He turned around and walked away.

  Lilith clenched her jaws. There were two soldiers sitting on her head. They were stuffing cloths into her nostrils. A rope touched her lip. Lilith tried to hold her breath for as long as possible. When she raised her lip a tiny bit, the men pulled at the rope, helped by the soldiers standing on her back. Lilith growled. The rope grated her lip. The little bit of breath she managed to inhale through her teeth wasn’t enough.

  At long last she had to open her mouth. Immediately, two sticks were shoved against her palate to open her mouth even wider. Someone threw a rope across her lower jaw and tongue to keep them under control. The whole town had run out to behold the spectacle and to help.