Think of it as a pre-meal prayer request… for yourself!
13.
Negativity
“A negative mind will never give you a positive life.”
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Yesterday we talked about the Law of Attraction and the power of positive thinking.
But equally important and parallel to fostering positive thinking is eliminating negative thoughts from your life.
That’s right, folks. In a week of learning dedicated to developing and maintaining a Positive Mental Attitude, we’d be remiss not to bring up negativity.
Negativity is a virus—once you let it seep into your life, it spreads and compounds easily. And it’s all too easy to find yourself in a negativity spiral—think about one thing that’s upsetting you, and another thought arises all too easily.
The good news about negativity though, is that it’s 100% controllable. We are in charge of our outlook; we are in charge of whether our first response to a potential problem is optimistic or pessimistic.
According to Brian Tracy, another wonderful self-improvement thought leader, and my personal mentor, 95% of your emotions are determined by the way you talk to yourself as you go through your day. If you talk to yourself in a positive and constructive way, you will have an optimistic attitude. If you think about things that make you unhappy, lower your self-esteem, or cause you worry and social anxiety, you will have a pessimistic, negative attitude.
To be positive, you must deliberately replace negative thoughts and self-talk with positive thoughts.
For example, instead of dwelling on a physical flaw or something you wish you could change about yourself, make the choice to repeat to yourself throughout the day: “I like myself. I like the way I look. There is no one out there quite like me. I am special, and good things will happen to me.”
Or, one I like to say all the time, even out loud: “Today is a great day.”
The internal dialogue can be whatever you want it to be, it just has to be positive.
So, the next time you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts—choose to replace the dialogue. Turn “I can’t” into “Of course I can.” Turn on your internal positive soundtrack!
Another great way to stop your internal negative self-talk is with the “friend test”. Picture one of your dearest, closest friends. The next time you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself, or doubting your own ability, ask yourself: “would I say this about my friend?”
As women, we have an unsurpassed ability to think the worst about ourselves. Worse than we would EVER think about those who are dear to us. We would never tell our best friend “Oh you’re not good enough for that job,” or “you’re not pretty enough,” or “you’re not brave enough…” And if we wouldn’t say those things to someone we love and care about, we certainly shouldn’t be saying them to ourselves—the most important person of all! Remember, you are the leading lady of your own life—and leading ladies don’t take crap from anyone (including themselves!)
Another way to cut off negativity before it manifests in your brain is to remove external sources. Negative people fuel negative thoughts. Identify the negative influences in your life and make a conscious choice to avoid them.
Let’s close out this chapter on eliminating negativity with a quote from the ultimate bombshell herself, supermodel Gisele Bundchen:
“Having the strength to tune out negativity and remain focused on what I want gives me the will and confidence to achieve my goals.”
Be like Gisele—tune out negativity and focus on the good!
Here is your Day 13 Challenge:
The key to eliminating negative thoughts is being able to pinpoint when they appear. Being able to identify what I like to call “negative thinking triggers”.
Dr Daniel Amen talks a lot about the idea of ANTs, or “automatic negative thoughts” in his book, Change Your Brain Change Your Life. ANTs are one of the most harmful things for your brain and your self-esteem.
We are especially vulnerable in the morning, when we’re still waking and shaping our mindset for the day ahead, so this is an ideal (and typical) time for ANTs to set in.
One of the best things you can do to fight them off in your waking minutes is refrain from checking your phone. Yup, you heard me. When your alarm goes off, resist the urge to check your email, check your social media, check your texts—it’s too much of a risk that you may read or click into something that causes you stress and anxiety… before you even get out of bed. And that’s no way to start your day.
Plus, think of all the time you’ll save in your morning routine by cutting out the 5, 10, 15(?!) minutes of mindless scrolling-and-tapping.
Instead, when you wake up, say out loud to yourself, “Today is going to be a great day.” Repeat it as many times as you wish. Resolve to hold off social media and email checking until at least 1 hour after waking. By then you will have had time to do your repeat your “today is going to be a great day” affirmation, create your daily Gratitude List, and frame your mind for a positive day ahead.
14.
Selflessness
“Your greatness isn’t what you have—it’s what you give.”
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We’re closing out Week 2 of #35DaysofConfidence with a curveball topic—which is why I love it so much and wanted to end our Positive Mental Attitude week with it.
Ready? Here we go:
To be self-confident, you must also be self-less.
…I know. It’s tricky.
You’re probably thinking, “If I think I’m awesome, shouldn’t I be doing everything in my power to nurture and fuel my awesomeness? Why should I focus my time and energy on anyone other than my awesome self?”
Consider this: It takes a truly confident and self-assured person to be able to bestow a selfless compliment to another person.
Plus, giving a compliment empowers you. It raises you up. By giving a compliment (or better yet, making a habit of bestowing compliments regularly to those around you), you naturally become a person in a position of positive power. In short: it makes you a better person.
As the quote above says, your greatness isn’t what you have, it’s what you *give*.
You can better others on the journey to bettering yourself. And it will only elevate your own self-esteem and self-confidence as a result!
Here is your Day 14 Challenge:
One of my favorite challenges when I’m having an off week—or feeling generally crappy—is to make a goal of complimenting five people each day. This is what I want you to do today.
Compliment five people over the course of the day. They could be friends, family, work colleagues, or—even better—total strangers.
And once you do it for one day, can you do it for another day? Can you do it for a whole week? A whole month?!
Give away your goodness and see how it comes back to you in spades. Lifted spirit and increased positive attitude pretty much guaranteed with this one!
Week 3: Self-Improvement
Welcome to Week 3! This week, our focus is Self-Improvement.
And what role does “Self-Improvement” play on our road to confidence, exactly?
One of my favorite definitions of confidence goes a little something like this:
“A feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities”
If you notice, there’s a theme to that statement—yourSELF, and your own abilities and qualities. No one else’s. YOURS.
Up until this point in #35DaysofConfidence, we’ve talked a lot about vision and making ourselves better. We’ve thought hard about the things we want in this world, our dreams and goals and aspirations, and we’ve begun to train our brain to think positive, helpful, uplifting thoughts. We’ve started in the mind for a reason—because change happens from the inside out.
But now we’re READY to take our change up a notch, and focus on self-improvement practices.
The nature of the relationship s
elf-improvement and confidence is cyclical. When you invest time in self-improvement—when you commit to becoming a better version of yourself, when you overcome challenges, define your values, invest time in your passions and your relationships—you become more confident.
As you become more confident, you are then empowered to take on more challenges. You are motivated to go after your goals, to push yourself, and to continue growing into a better, stronger, smarter person. You feel like a winner. You feel unstoppable!
And this feeling is accessible to ANYone. All you have to do is start working on yourself. So, let’s do that now!
15.
Growth
“Are you better than yesterday?”
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Over the next 7 days we’ll be focusing all that falls under the “Self-Improvement” umbrella. And we’re starting today with growth—specifically, how to start a habit of growth, become comfortable (or as comfortable as possible!) with change, and commit to it consistently.
And why growth? Well, as the saying goes, if you’re not growing, you’re standing still.
One of the best things you can do for yourself (and for everyone around you) is commit yourself to lifetime of learning and growth.
Richard Branson has this wonderful quote: “Every success story is a result of constant adaptation, revision and change.”
But change isn’t always easy. In fact, it rarely is.
But change is also necessary. It’s inspiring! It Is the key ingredient in any success story.
Think back to the last “success story” you heard, the last nonfiction book you read, the last speech you heard. The most impactful stories never happen because the storyteller “kept doing the same old, same old”. They happen because those people who inspire us made changes to make their lives better. They made the choice to take responsibility and ownership for the own life, and to DO something to improve themselves and their surroundings.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—you are destined for too much greatness to be a passive participant in your own life.
And the first step towards change is commitment. So, let’s do that now!
Here is your Day 15 Challenge:
Make the decision right now to commit to positive growth for the next seven days. Look ahead at your calendar and block off 30 minutes each day that you will spend investing in yourself and your growth. If you need to put it on your work calendar, do it now. If you need to set your alarm for 30 minutes earlier each day, do it now.
Make the time for the work, and the work will happen.
16.
Values
“When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.”
-Roy E. Disney
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As we’ve previously discussed, true confidence can only come from having a strong, sure sense of who you REALLY are.
A big component of what makes you YOU is your values. What do you believe in? What do you stand for? What virtues do you hold in the highest regard?
Unlike many other things, your values have a tendency to not change drastically throughout your life. Of course, there are exceptions, and life-changing events may in turn change your values, but for the most part—the things you believe in and the personal rules you abide by will stay relatively consistent throughout the course of your life.
And this is why values are so wonderful, especially when it comes to self-improvement and confidence.
Values play an integral role in the self-improvement process because they act as the compass that will help guide you down the path towards your best self. Especially in this crazy, chaotic, ever-changing world in which we live in, your values help ground you and keep you rooted in what makes you, you.
Staying true to your values and your beliefs has the simple, but profound effect of making you feel like your most authentic self. Staying true to your values creates inner peace, which radiates out from you, like a warm beam of sunlight.
When you have clarity on who and what you believe in, and you live your life in accordance with those values, you will feel confident, assured, and PROUD of you are. This is one of the many keys to true happiness and fulfillment.
But this can be hard to do if you’ve never spent the time to recognize what it is that you do and don’t believe in. I think of the challenge of uncovering your values as a similar endeavor to the fun, flippant exercise we all went through at one point in our adolescent lives: dreaming up our perfect man/woman/significant other.
Surely, at one point in your life (don’t leave me hanging here!) you rattled off a list that went something like: “tall, good sense of humor, loves animals, blue eyes…” And the list goes on.
And if it was so easy to list out the obvious traits we desire in a future spouse or significant other, it should be even easier to list out the traits we desire in ourselves—the things that are the MOST important to us in determining who and what we value.
So, let’s take a crack at that in today’s challenge, shall we?
Here is your Day 16 Challenge:
Your challenge today is to spend 3-5 minutes writing out your key values. What qualities do you aspire to have?
Make this list as long as you can—don’t hold back!
When you finish, go back and circle 5 that are the most important to you. How do you want to be viewed and perceived by others in the world? What do you want your legacy to be?
From then on, the “challenge” becomes more of a consistent, active exercise in making choices that align with these values.
When you are presented with a choice, reflect back on your core values. Which decision will further you along the path towards those values? Which decision will lead you astray from those values?
As Brian Tracy says, whenever you decide between alternatives, you invariably choose the alternative that you value the most.
Be conscious about your choices today, and your future self will thank you for it.
17.
Character
“Who are you when no one else is watching?”
* * *
Legendary basketball coach, John Wooden, once said: “The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.”
Although self-confidence has a lot to do with how others perceive you, and your ability to present yourself assuredly in front of others, TRUE self-confidence is being 100% okay with who you are when you’re with no one but the most important person in the room: yourself.
The reality is: who you are when no one is watching is vastly more important than who you are when they are.
But this is hard to remember, especially in a technologically-centered, smartphone-loving world that glorifies ALWAYS sharing what we’re up to! And not that I’m knocking it—hey, I love Instagram Stories as much as the next female millennial—but it does shift our perception of “reality” quite a bit.
As in… if I wear this outfit, but I don’t post it/Snap it/share it on Instagram… does anyone really see it?
As in… if I go on this vacation, but I don’t share a beautiful, wanderlust-inducing photo… will people know I went?
You get the picture (no pun intended). What I’m getting at is that it’s so easy to become caught up in making sure that everyone is looking at us, that we lose sight of what’s way, way more important: making sure we like the person we are when they aren’t.
So, how do we address this? How do we make sure we’re paying as much attention to the quality of our private life as we are to the judgment of our public life?
Well, mindfulness is a great place to start. (For a quick refresher on that, thumb back to Day 10). Spending time by yourself, with yourself (read: not distracted) is important. After all, no one’s opinion of you is more important than your own.
And if you don’t necessarily love the person you are when you’re alone—without filters, without gifs, without any sort of editing? That’s okay. After all, that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? We a
ll have things about ourselves we wish we could change. We all make mistakes, and look back on certain choices we made thinking, “Man, I wish I had done that differently.” It’s normal. It’s HUMAN!
The important thing to latch onto here is the growth factor—making sure we learn from our mistakes. That we take time to process them, and reflect on what we can do differently next time to change and become better. That’s pretty much the definition of character, wouldn’t you agree?
I’m going to end this chapter with another John Wooden quote, because they’re just so DARN good, and applicable to pretty much any aspect of life:
“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”
Stay focused on your character, not your reputation. After all, it’s the only one of the two you can control!
Here is your Day 17 Challenge:
Sometimes the best place to start in improving your character and your feelings of self-worth is with a little bit of kindness.
Today’s challenge is simple, and maybe even one that you’ve done before: complete a random act of kindness. Pick up some trash off the street. Hold the door open for someone. Buy coffee for the person in line behind you… It doesn’t have to be grand, and it certainly doesn’t have to go noticed by anyone (in fact, that’s kind of the point). It just has to be kind.
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